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Chapter 61 - Make Sure of It

Tobias

I finally make it back to the hallway my apartment is in from after the meeting. I fiddle with my keys in my pocket, making them quietly jingle as they bump together as I stroll down the quiet halls. It makes it a little more comforting with just the smallest jingle adding the smallest bit of noise making it echo off of the quiet stone walls.

All that can be heard is my footsteps and the keys. Everything else; dead silent.

It's still kind of early, well, at least for this compound it is. In another hour, so around noon, people will begin to crawl from their apartments and get out for the day.

I'm one that is kind of okay with the silence.

Silence gives me the time to think; the time to prepare; the time to wonder.

But silence also haunts me.

Silence was the sound after my father would finish beating me; silence was the sound of the coat closet upstairs.

Silence was when everything would go from good to bad; and from bad to worse.

Silence is a very strange topic.

Silence is half of my childhood.

More than half.

Every day I would wake up; silence.

I'd go down stairs and make my father and I breakfast, in silence.

I'd walk to school, in silence.

I'd sit in school, being silent.

During lunch I'd sit by myself, still silent.

Back to class, still silent.

Walking home, in silence.

It wasn't that it was selfish to talk to others in Abnegation; actually, it wasn't rare. Others would talk to Abnegation and Abnegation would talk to others; it wasn't an act of selfishness.

It was that no one wanted to be friends with or even associated with the "Abnegation Leader's son".

Ha. Like I was ever even his son.

Then I'd be home alone before my father was done with work; still silence.

The only time there really was noise was if he had a bad day at work. Then he'd come home yelling and cursing to just about no one in particular.

Those nights usually ended up with him over me with his belt.

Then... Oh boy was there noise.

After that I would clean up; mostly in silence.

Then I'd go to bed, where the voices in my dreams were just about the most pleasant noise I have heard.

Except for when I'd have nightmares.

At that point in time I was told that my mother was dead; and I believed them. I mean seriously, who wouldn't?

I use to have nightmares with her in them, right up until I was fifteen or sixteen. I would watch her get murdered or die in the worst possible ways.

I would wake up in a cold sweat and bite my tongue not to scream; if I did Marcus would've gotten tipped off. I would usually pull out the clothing box my mother gave me and remember the times I had with her.

This was before we had our differences; before she met me the day before I transferred to Dauntless. Before I potentially hated her.

I was just a teenager who was grieving the loss of his mother.

I did love her when I was younger; right up until she left; or shall I say, 'died'. She was my mother and she was; for as long back as I could remember, the only parent I had who would actually look in my direction, show care, love, and basically all of the characteristics both parents should give to a child.

She made up for Marcus's hatred with all of the love she showed me. I loved her back.

She would always tell me how Marcus wasn't always like that; how he loved me somewhere deep inside of him; how much he loved me as a child; how he just had a bad day today.

I remember asking her why he'd come home like that every day if he just had a bad day that day; and why he didn't care about me now; and if is this how everyone else gets treated in the neighborhood if the father or male in the house had a bad day; if my mother and I weren't the only ones.

She always would just shake her head and say, "He loves you somewhere deep down, Tobias. He's just struggling right now to find it through all of the other things going on; it has nothing to do about you personally. I know it's hard to believe sometimes, but he really does love you."

And that story ends there and turns into my mother's story of her leaving or so called 'dying' because your son is better with his abusive father than his mother who actually loves him'.

As a young child, I was upset that she left me with him, well, to die and leave me. I didn't understand death, and I guess that didn't matter, considering she wasn't dead, but I thought she was, so I guess it does matter, or does it? Eh, I don't know.

I was upset right up until the day after I became a member of Dauntless; then she met me that night on the train. Then I hated her even more for actually leaving, and not being dead.

Yes, it was shocking that she was actually alive. Yes, I was glad she wasn't dead.

No, I was not happy to find out that she was lying to not only just about everyone for years, but me. Me, her own son.

I felt like I could never forgive her.

I didn't want to.

Then the whole war broke out, I was with Tris, and Factionless was the only option.

Then that's a whole mother story leading right up to leaving the Bureau and coming back to Chicago with way less people than we originally went to.

But now, those people are going to be saved.

All of them,

They're alive.

Unlike my mother, they couldn't control that they faked their 'deaths', because David did it for them.

First chance I get,

I'm killing that man.

I'll do whatever it takes.

As long as Tris and everyone else is safe.

He will be dead.

I will make sure of it.

A/N-

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