I finally went to the therapist, and i've been making progress she says. Um, god it sucks yanno? Like, i dunno how to word this and i'm unsure of anything. I turned to a very dark path to forget my own suffering. The pain i would feel was replaced with the buzz of alcohol in my veins, the mirror became a shattered piece of glass from my fist hitting it.

    I- I should be able to over come this, but at this point I feel like I can't... i've ignored it so long I feel like I can't do so anymore, some times I wonder late at night if he feels better about himself because he took something so precious? That he ruined me completely.. i changed so much that it scares me, I barely show emotion any more and, i hate it.

  This will not define me, I keep telling my self, yet is it true? Is what i'm feeling really a side effect of the mental anguish I went through as my body stopped being my body? Or is it because i'm not strong enough to let what happened go?

I tell myself i'm fine.
I'm fine I say, as my eyes continue to dull.
I'm fine, is what I tell myself as sleep becomes a foreign concept.
I'm fine, is what everyone heres after another break down.

But i'm not fine, i'm not fine at all, but i need to be. Because I need normalcy. I need it so much, I can't stop until I achieve it. I can't let past emotions go, because I need to feel something, anything.

So I decide to stop talking to people, and I become numb to everything around me, days past and I remain a shell. But that isn't me, I'm not that type of person. So days pass and I drown myself in work, and sleep, so I forget everything. Thats my life, and thats how it will remain, until I'm finally able to let go.