Being awake during the night and sleeping during the day was my new routine. my mental health has been slipping and for a while I've felt stuck, so instead of writing my life out like a story (which I had done for previous chapters) I'm just going to treat this as a journal. I have depression, most people say that to help fight against depression you eat well, sleep well, exercise and socialize. which helps most of the time but not all the time. I play volleyball so that covers my exercise and socializing, two birds with one stone. but I've noticed or at least, felt like I'm not a part of the team when it comes to volleyball. and during our last game a comment that our coach made, solidified that in my head. 

for weeks i'd been trying to prove myself as part of the team when I was elected team captain because no one else knew how to be captain and the responsibilities that come with the role but because we are a social team, it's not a big deal that I'm captain. so I've been trying to prove myself as a worthy member of the team. during our last game, between rounds, our coaches would give us a team talk and point out things we can work on during training. the coaches pointed out that the other team was cheating and breaking rules which I had noticed and they had called out to the ref. As a team, we can call these things out to the ref, I didn't know that, so the coaches called the ref on it and turns out if the team captain doesn't call out to the ref and the coaches do, we run the risk of being seen as disrespectful and being kicked out of playing for the season.  and to quote the coaches "usually the team captain is responsible for calling on the ref but you guys don't have a captain" 

my heart broke, i'd never felt so disrespected before. 

in my mind, I'm not a part of the team. and if I'm "not a part of the team" then why the fuck do I bother going to practise and games to try better myself as a player? at this point, I just want to play because I enjoy volleyball but I can't enjoy a team sport when I don't feel like I'm in the team. there are a lot of other things that single me out on the team which have been nagging me in the back of my head but I keep trying to tell myself that it doesn't matter but it feels like it does. I'm the youngest in the team, I'm a first-year and no one else in my halls or classes plays volleyball. i have nothing in common with my teammates and I'm one of the only males in the team, sometimes the only one if none of the other boys shows up to games or practice so I commonly get misgendered by other teams. 

i have practice today in two hours so I'll update after practice if I manage to convince myself to go to practice. 

I feel slightly better, I had fun at volleyball. maybe if I just focus on having fun I'll forget about why I'm depressed. just gonna sit in my room and idk maybe make a hot chocolate and listen to the rain.