Picture: How my baby Alex sees himself atm T.T (I think it looks more like a dementor than a ghost but oh, well)

Warning: suicidal thoughts. 

It's been three weeks already since I got there. 

I thought I would feel stressed, tired, excited, and most probably all of them at the same time,  being on the Island. I'm usually an oversensitive person, so I expected this new life to create a turmoil inside my head. I was bracing myself for the never-ending thoughts and feelings that would necessarily come. I was ready for the fight. 

However, nothing of the sort happened. I just feel empty nowadays and I don't know if I should be relieved of concerned by my lack of emotions. I have never felt like this before: I used to feel excruciating pain, I have endured loneliness, self-hatred but not this... void. The same void that is reflected in Malik's eyes whenever he looks at me -which, let's be honest, doesn't happen much but what was I expecting? 

Maybe I'm turning into a ghost. Maybe this Island does have some magical effects on people, turning them into their true forms. Cunning people would turn into witches, hot-tempered folks would turn into dragons, and I would turn into a ... ghost. 

I don't think I exist.

I'm glad for Angus's presence. If it wasn't for him, sometimes I would spend entire days without talking to someone. I almost miss the stern Serena, she isn't one to stay quiet for too long, but she's busy now and I haven't seen her much lately. 

It's laughable, how I thought I would need to be careful and hide my true nature from people here. I don't have to hide anything, since nobody is paying attention to me anyway. 

I also used to be afraid to go to the steam baths at night, but here again, I got used to it, especially since everyone is too busy trying to attract Malik's attention.

They all want a piece of his beautiful body but the Young vampire only ever chooses the same men, Thomas and two other twinks I don't know the names of. He doesn't sound too happy either, I guess he has problems of his own but that's none of my business. He is the one who stopped having small talk with me. 

Now I'm starting to sound like a whiny pup. I should stop having that kind of thoughts. I'm a grown man, after all. I don't need anyone to take care of myself. Especially not a young, bratty vampire. 

Is it bad that I just want him to talk to me, even though he is a spoiled brat? 

I used to be a guy people could talk to. Kyle told me numerous times that I for some reasons, he trusted me more than anyone else. He wasn't a trusting person, but he let himself go a little with me. 

That is, before I betrayed him. 

I am a good listener but for once, I wish I too had someone I could confide in, even though I am a bad person who has nothing but terrible mistakes to confess.

I don't know what it would take for Malik to notice me. I have no clue how to be beautiful, funny or charming. I don't think I can be any of that. 

He is better with Thomas anyway, althought I hate this man to the core. They look so handsome together. They're young, confident. They're shining. 

Yesterday someone told me that Malik means "King" in Arabic. How fitting. 

"Kyle, have you been polishing furnitures the whole day?"

They're both looking at me. The brother and the sister-in-law. Equally beautiful, although in a different fashion. 

Rose looks like Snowwhite, with her pearly white skin, her curly dark hair and her grey eyes. She is very tall, taller than Malik and I guess she loves blue, as most of her outfits have blue in it. 

Malik is a complete different story. He is a bit shorter than me, and although he has a slend figure, you can tell how strong and energetic he is just by the way he moves. He also has brown eyes, dark hair and a tanned skin. His plump lips makes him look angelic when he smiles, evil when he smirks and terribly dangerous when he looks at you and his expression betrays nothing.  

Sometimes he wears elegant, pricy-looking chemises and other times he opts for more casual clothings, even if he has important meetings to attend. Just because he can. 

He looks like a King. 

Well, maybe not like a King just  yet. More like a prince. A haughty yet naughty prince, full of youth and mischief. 

"Kyle, did you hear what I just say?" she insists, her musical voice taking a slightly annoyed edge. 

Oh, right. She asked me a question.

 I bow in submission, because the last thing I want is to appear rude, especially to Rose, because although she has only be very considerate toward me so far, I have a feeling that it's better not to antagonize her. She is a bit like Monica, Malik's grandmother, in that respect.

"I'm very sorry, Mistress. I was lost in thoughts. Yes, I have been polishing furnitures the whole day." I reply politely. 

"Really, but why?" she exclaims. "You could have done different tasks, you know. Most of our Servants here prefer multitasking. It keeps things more interesting."

"I don't mind doing just one task. I prefer doing one thing properly than doing an half-assed job at everything - pardon me for my language" I tell her truthfully. 

"That might be true if you were working on a very important project that requires all your attention" she persists, "but we're talking about housecleaning here. There's so much else you can do! You can also wash the sheets, help in the kitchen, clean the steam baths -" 

"Yeah, because that sounds sooo much more interesting" I interrupt her, before biting my tongue. Crap! Me and my big mouth!

She looks shocked now and for a second I'm afraid I'm going to be fired, or worst, but then I hear a deep, warm laugh. 

"You find it funny?" she turns to her brother, looking confused. 

"I do" he admits, wiping his eyes. He looks at me with a softer expression and for a few, blissful seconds my heart melts. "I know it's hard to believe, but we might finally have found ourselves a servant with a backbone. He might be painfully quiet most of the time but I can assure you he's a sarcastic one" he adds, before winking at me. 

Finally, finally, there's approval in the way he looks at me. Obviously, I shouldn't seek his approval this desperately, but I can't help it, it just feel too good. It feels right.

Rose huffs, before she finally declares: 

"Alright then, Kyle. If my dear brother finds it funny, I guess I won't punish you for this blatant lack of respect this time. Don't think I'll always be so forgiving, though " she says in a stern voice and I don't know if she's really mad or not. Like I said, I don't want to count her among my enemies. I would never win. 

"I thought you liked gardening, though" she suddenly declares with a questionning tone and Malik's attention is on me again. This time, the playfuness is gone, as he looks more thoughtful. 

What am I supposed to tell her? 

I can't tell her that although I see no point in doing simple, repetitive tasks at least it keeps my mind out of things. 

Besides, I don't know why but lately, I haven't any inclinations for the things I used to love doing. 

Because I can't tell her - them - any of that, I opt for the evasive answer:

"I really don't mind polishing furnitures, Mistress, but I can take care of the garden now if you wish"

"No, that's okay, Samia did water the flowers today" she shrugs with an indifferent expression but something tells me that Malik isn't fooled. His dark eyes are still on me, after all, and he isn't smiling. 

Maybe I'm just overanalyzing everything. 

"Malik" she then turns to her brother, her voice turning mischevious and I understand that I'm being dismissed. I bow one last time before I start walking away. "Your pet is waiting for you upstairs. He seems impatient"

I unconsciously slow down, my newfound light of hope already flickering.

"Tell him I shall see him shortly" he replies happily and Rose giggles before nodding and heading towards her own bedroom. 

It's dark again. 

Just for the extra fun, I polish the old cupboard in the kitchen reserved to the staff. I'm about to leave, but that's when I hear the same voices than last times, coming from the basement. 

I hesitate, remembering how Serena creepily told me that early birds don't last long here. 

I tell myself that I should mind my own business. 

I beg my curious self not to go. 

I think of how I have a bad feeling about it. 

Then, with all of that in mind, I head toward the basement. 

Once I arrived next to a big wooden door, I carefully approach it. Two women are whispering. I only recognized Serena's voice. She sounds tense. 

"This time it was a werewolf" she says and I almost jump at that. 

What?

How does she know about werewolves? 

Are they talking about me? 

Does it mean I am in a more imminent danger than I thought? 

There's a short moment of silence and then a broken cry. 

"They killed him, Serena!"

"Hush, don't be so loud! How can be so sure, Juliette?"

"I know a witch who's working for the Stuttgart family - God only knows how long this poor girl will be working for them. She said it was a bloodbath"

"Jesus Christ."

"I'm pretty sure the Masters know about it, too." Juliette sniffes.  They're just turning a blind eye, like they always do. At least Malik is different from the rest of them"

"I wouldn't be so sure, Juju. You know he hates werewolves to the core. Plus, he must at least have an idea of what exactly his lovely family is doing"

They keep talking after that, about a certain event coming soon but I am already fleeing away from this awful mansion. 

I go to this secluded place, at the other end of the Island, where I Always hide whenever I can't keep a straight face any longer. 

They're killing werewolves.

And witches. 

They said Malik probably knows about it. 

They said he hates werewolves. 

Everthing hurts and at this point, I'm barely thinking. 

The pain is too much. The pain is back in full force. 

I walk on the edges of the cliff. I'm standing dangerously too close to the abyss but I'm not afraid. 

I think it would be nice to end it all, to not feel the pain any longer. 

I would not have to wake up in this place the next morning, or any mornings that'll follow. 

I would not have to wake up at all, in any places the world has to offer.

"KYLE!"

I didn't want to die today I think, not really  anyway but in the end it doesn't matter. 

I startle  when I hear my name being called and it was a wrong move, my mistake. 

I'm falling. 

I'm back! Sorry for the delay! I'm having a hard time getting used to my new life, I guess Oo

Anyway, take risks, talk more and have an excellent week-end sweets ! 

Much love xx