On our last night together maybe part of me knew. The signs were there that he was lying to me. With each kiss in those quiet moments, the front of my mind knew what the back of my mind was hiding. I can't lie to myself. I practiced the song. I knew. But I never got to sing the song now, did I?

"Mike Choo," the dean calls out and a young guy walks across the stage. He shakes the dean's hand. Heat bakes down on my brown skin under my graduation cap. I lean my head back and stare into the clear blue sky as if I could see the stars and settle my mind. But I can't. I kept going over the time before I found out again and again.

The dress rehearsal before the last show. Asher pulled me into his thick chest as soon as the door closed in his trailer.

I knew we probably weren't going to win, and it was an end of sorts. But I felt like we could maybe make it work or at least stay friends. Friends who might do more things together from time to time. I wasn't looking for forever. He's not that kind of guy. If he was even remotely that type he would have more than rumors about girlfriends. Those girlfriends and hookup rumors would stick with one girl and they never did. So, I wasn't naïve or fooling myself. Forever wasn't one of the few notes Asher knew how to play but I was perfectly ok with right now. If it was coming from a place of honesty. That's all I asked honestly. I didn't need him to love me back. What my heart does is what it was going to do. It wasn't on him to return anything to me but honesty.

He lied though.

A lie of omission but it was a lie all the same. It hit the mark for causing me pain just as efficiently. But that night was unforgettable. I put my hand over my eyes to shade my gaze. A plump white clouds that won't ever drop rain in California pass slowly by.

His hand touched the side of my neck over my bird tattoo and was soon followed by his lips. It was feather-soft. Just a brush of sensation. A hint at things to come. I shuddered at his touch, my whole body dancing just for him. That all too familiar feeling of him reaching out to me. With the hints of whiskey and burnt sugar. A little sweet and smokey at the same time. I lean into his lips, my hot breath coming in pants. He pins me against the door. Asher's lips at my neck never change his pace. He lifts my leg and I lean back into the door. I want so much more so much faster but he's slow. In that same way, he was when we were together the night after he told me about his addiction. It's as if he's trying to prove to me he's here with me. That this isn't just a fuck that it's more.

That it's...

Love him...

I bite my lip keeping every word I want to say in. A nice safe place that won't end up hurting me. The pain pulls me back to just the two of us cocooned in this little space and his hand moving along my body in a languid caress.

I shut my eyes as his hand slips under my t-shirt. Asher cups my breast and over the thin lace of my bra his thumb brushes across my stiff nipple.

But when I open my eyes, I'm not there. The blue sky minus one fat white cloud.

"Alice Dender," says the dean. This time a small part of the audience claps. I can't figure out if that blue sky is a blessing or a curse. The graduation carries on with or without me. The tassel from the square cap tickles my forehead but I couldn't laugh even if I wanted to. That hollowed-out feeling carries with me. It's like the moment of finding out he lied to me and that emptiness is stretched out.

Looking back when I think about it. How big was the lie? He knew my reason for doing this contest was to spend time with Zoey and hopefully help her win. He knew. Did he know that Zoey won then? Did he know that Paulie would try and make us battle for some dumb grand prize? Did he know all this and didn't bother to tell me? All I wanted from him was honesty. It wasn't much. Might seem dumb to other people but for me it was heartbreaking. I wasn't going to get into a situation with someone who couldn't be honest with me again. It hurts too much. And I didn't want to be in a cockfight against my best friend. The way Paulie goes about anything he's an underhanded piece of poo. Whatever his big plan wasn't going to be fair because the man hated me. It wasn't going to be pleasant, and he'd try to extract extra pain from the both of us if he could.

Paulie might have liked Zoey when she wasn't connected to me but he has his own agenda. That agenda magically found ways to always screw over the artists. He controls people and yes maybe that's what happened with Asher in a way but I needed him to tell me. There's a distinct difference between me letting him tell me things about himself if he did or didn't want to. That was personal information, and I understood him not sharing it. But everyone always wants to know everything about Asher. Every tiny bit of him seems to be something they monetize to the point he's more bar code than a person. Even from our first meeting, I saw that, and I didn't want to be a part of it at all. I was happy when he opened up about it but I told him he could tell me in his own time. I wanted the truth though if it affected me or my family. Zoey is my family, and it had to do with both of us.

He knew.

HE... KNEW...

I close my eyes, and that waking dream welcomes me back. My legs wrap around Asher at the center of me. My greedy hips shift trying to find just the right spot. His lovely tattoo chest is bared to me. I need to lick every single tat on his body at least once. My brain function barely tracks his hard hands squeezing my thick thighs. He bites my neck right on my bird.

"You like that... don't you," he asks me with that chuckle in his voice. Hell yes, I liked when he bites my neck over the tattoo he made. My legs can't get wider and my clit is so greedy against my wet panties. I grunt instead of answering, searching to place my wet clit as hard as I can get against that thick bulge. The kind of one-minded determination to see stars as quickly as possible. He holds me in place pushing me hard against the door. Asher made it tough for my eager hips to move the way I want to towards that building spot in my center. So, badly wanted, so badly needed.

"No, tell me if you liked it or not out loud." The son of a bitch said while keeping me from getting to that place to relieve the building pressure.

"Yes, I like it you fucking bastard," I tell Asher. He gets like this wanting to mess with me. Teasing the hell out of me when he knows damn well I like it. He bites my neck and chuckles against my bird. His bruising fingers sting nicely against my thighs when he releases me to move again. "You know you're a bastard. Fuck you."

He chuckles into my neck, "I want something else." A callus thumb slides into my panties grazing against my hard clit. I hiss at the contact, my center clenches at just that little touch. Oh, and how he knows how to give me what I need so easily. His big thumb skims through my wetness. But that little whine couldn't be helped. My body needs just a little more. I need him I need him to center me before it was the end. I need to lean against him, even just a tiny bit, just this one time. When I gaze up at his hazel eyes so like those golden nebulous of stardust. It felt like he was reaching for me too. That he wanted something inside of me more than the physical contact. Because this time, like that time in LA, felt like so much more. More than either of us should be expecting.

He licks my lips then kisses me and that wavering connecting sparks. I open for his taste and his taste trickles into my mouth. Whiskey and burnt honey always follow him. My hips track that thumb working me over like my life depends on it. That building in my center overwhelms me slowly when I wanted it fast. Not slow, strong, and...

...don't think loving Sabali is anything but hurt and pain with that.

Don't...

I close my heavy eyes, and everything explodes.

"John Foon," claps follow the dean's words. Blink, darkness, then blue, darkness, then blue. The blue-blue sky lost all its clouds. My heart can't escape him and I'm not even sure I want it to. But sometimes you have to save yourself. Asher told me his father, his brother and himself destroy everything they touch. I could have stayed with him after he lied to me. I could have but eventually enabling that would have destroyed me. I get up and line up with the L section waiting to be called. The optimism of the men and women surrounding me is palatable. But even as I come to a stop in line taking one step forward as each name is called I can't help but look at the sky. I wish the graduation was held at night so you can see all the stars in the dark night sky.

"Crystal Hines," I take another step forward at the dean's words. "Matt Jacobson," each name from the dean becomes a blur and we all take steps forward into the future. The academic regalia sways with our steps. I climb the stairs to the stage. "Rick Kenndey." The last step up to the stage. Professor Dennis Cloudon knew my mother. He was my mother's good friend. He said my mother would be so proud of me. The professor towers over the other professors his dark face smiles in such a warm smile at me. "Chan Ming Ki," the dean calls the person in front of me. They take their diploma.

"Sabali Lora," loud clapping from the audience follows my name. I walk across the stage, take my diploma then shake the dean's hand. Through all the noisy clapping I search the audience. In a small section on the top right side sits the people I care about. We are missing Noah Zoey's brother and his absence hurts but I understand why he had to go. Zoey was flying high above Florida to a sold-out show in Miami sold out for the Tour. But my new friend Jo-Lee, and her daughter Bonabell, clap with big smiles. Eve and Carly jump up and down. Tari, and her mother, Diola, clap and wave at me. Tari's mother, Diola, so reminds me of my mother it hurts to look at her sometimes. Tari's kids Sim, and Ade jumped up and down. And finally, the tall figure of my brother towers over everyone. He's not clapping but I don't think it has to do with him not being happy. I can see him even this far out. Maurice, all your sacrifices. I did it. I really did it. The day changed for me in that second. I felt myself not becoming free of Asher but finding a place in my heart for feelings of him to rest. Because those feelings of love weren't fake. It was a spot made just for him that I didn't know I was making that existed just for him. Maybe it has a hole in it now but I am glad that I got to love Asher. Even with everything that happens. I hugged the diploma tight to my chest.

"I did it, Maurice," I mouth to my brother onstage.