The stage lights came up. Paulie was on stage announcing the third-place team. His normal slick suit and slick smile were in place. But there were cracks behind his affable smile. I could tell by his clip voice he wasn't happy. But the second those lights came up, and he walked on stage that mask went right in place perfect for the audience. I doubt the arena or the people at home could tell. Not to mention everything was off tonight. A part of me needed Asher so bad and even being with him wasn't enough. It was the first time in a very long time that we came together and became more distant. It made no sense.

At every applause line, the audience was with Paulie. He had that 60s tv show host vibe, but it worked for him. It smoothed out all the snakeyness in him and you had a habit of looking past his shallow smile. With all the teams waiting on the side it was a weird lineup. Team Pop with the two blondes Roberta and Brenda were bouncing in their fine dresses. Robi smiles at me and I have to admit whatever they tried to make her into she didn't go with it. Brenda is still a gossip but like the one you know but not the bitch who gossips. I like her, hell I like both of them. Team Broadway with Lucia and Kyle on our left side were just as happy. It had to be the first time I saw Kyle not on his phone hyping up his TikTok audience. Lucia was radiant. I am so happy I met her. She's a new friend and I am not great at making new friends. But Zoey right next to me wasn't into it. The shadow of her tears wasn't hard to miss. Something broke in her. Whatever she wanted to be as a professional musician changed. Whoever and however she wanted to interact changed totally. I've made it a point to stay offline and not check anything. It's sometimes better not to tempt the internet. I know Zo hasn't been checking it either. But the sadness of that broken dream was palatable.

I take Zo's hand in mine. It felt like I was reaching across space. The normal warmth in her hand was completely absent. It was cold, chilled without any of the normal bounce to her. Even when Paulie screwed us over in the first contest, there was optimism in Zoey. Whatever was there was gone. I wish she realized that no matter what happens here, win or lose, she can be whatever she wants to be. Zo had one dream to be a professional musician. It's always been that way. She and I would put on little shows for my mom. She's always been like this and it's the only thing that carried her through high school. Even though she ended up doing home school her last two years.

A part of me expects Zoey to move forward just a little bit from the night before. But when I stopped and thought about it I realized the truth. For her, it was the death of something that was a fundamental driver for her. People always tell gay kids and trans kids it gets better but bi kids they don't bother. No one notices them. I remember when we stopped at the help center for LGBT youth and there was L, there was G, and T helped but Bi not so much. The Bi outreach was at best an afterthought. I went with her because she was so alone and I'd already left school and was going to college classes. I didn't know what to do, so we went and it was a mistake. It was a monumental mistake. It resulted in her feeling even more alone and isolated. It wasn't like she could talk to her older brother about it because he is... a different kind of guy. I was it and I couldn't because I was straight. I could only look from the outside looking in when it came down to it. It felt like I was failing. Then one day it was like she shut the door on certain parts of herself. She didn't go near some people. She even kept her distance from me and I had to physically enter her space to get her to connect with me again. It was like her mind created a plan. Music or nothing. Maybe a part of her figured that it doesn't get better like they say for people like her. Then she could just act like that part of her was split off from the rest. That maybe no one would notice. She never hides that she was bi, but it was never something that was broadcasted either.

I don't think Zoey is going to break apart like the other night but a part of me wants her to not feel so alone for once.

"Zo, I love you." She looks at me like I'm crazy as I throw that bit of random at her. "You, my bitch..." The cluelessness on her face shifts into a smile.

"I love you too B." She lifts our hands and kisses the back of my hand. I was a little shocked and tried my best not to show it. Open signs of physical affection weren't always a regular thing with her. Especially where someone might see is something that she is very careful with. It doesn't get lost unless she's inebriated in some way.

In this moment it felt like we stood together. Standing for our family, and friendship.

"...and third place goes to... " Paulie milks the audience drawing out the answer on stage for every second of drama. Peak Paulie. Zo's hand tighten around mine as she starts to walk forward toward Paulie. "Team Pop with Brenda and Roberta and led by Judge and Pop Princess Camilla." Brenda and Roberta have mirror looks of shock. Huh? What just happened? They both get themselves together and walk out on stage with Camilla. She walks out on the opposite side of the stage to join them. The video of their journey in the show starts with Brenda going first. When her video ended, she sang her prepared song with tears rolling down her eyes. And then Paulie handed her flowers, and she waved and walked offstage. The same thing happens to Roberta. A video played, but the difference was when she sang her song she did it without tears. Because of that her song was better than Brenda's, less snot. Roberta was handed flowers by Paulie and waved while she was walking offstage. Paulie hypes the crowd as he takes them to a commercial break.

Zoey puts her fingertip under my mouth, catching me off guard. The slight clip sound with it seems so loud in my ears. Zoey's green eye gaze was upbeat though. She had a smile, and I got it at least we weren't in the last place. But still what the fuck?

Megumi talks to the other team next to us. Team Broadway with Kyle and Lucia. She whispers to them and both Kyle and Lucia look shocked. Worry turns my stomach. Not again... Another backstage surprise. After the last backstage surprise, this wasn't something I wanted to deal with. Megumi ended her conversation, and her heavy footfalls headed in our direction. Zoey's eyes were glued to the performance on stage and she didn't see the Megumi time bomb walking towards us. Like any good backstage manager, she had a hive of productivity around her. With small nods at people as she flips through her clipboard.

"Change in plans," she says to us. Zoey turns to us and I breathe a small sigh of relief. At least it wasn't some new video leak from Drama Kiss. "The Tour will have a grand winner."

"Grand winner?" Zoey says.

"Yes, from the winning team the grand winner will be the best from the winning team."

"That wasn't in the original rules," I state.

"It was Paulie's last-minute idea to add spice." She shrugs.

Like a fucked up fairy Megumi walked away leaving that bomb in her wake. How long did Paulie know he was going to pull this crap? Calm down, it's not like you have to worry about it right this second. Right? We could get a second then get the send-off like Brenda and Roberta. Watch the video, see us off no big deal. It's fucked up though. All this time we're working together for the same goal then poof we have to fight it out for the prize. Very reality TV bullshit. My stomach stays on the track of going weird on me and I breathe in and out to control my inner peace. I really didn't come to fight out the top spot against Zoey. It feels like doing it will only give Paulie what he wants.

"B!" I lift my head at Zoey's call.

"What?"

"I've been trying to talk to you this whole time."

"Oh."

"About the grand prize..."

We got interrupted, and the show was back from commercial break. We head on stage before Zoey gets to finish what she's going to say. The audience was so different from the first time. I barely looked up last time. It's so bright and the world around me goes in and out. I concentrated on breathing.

"... and second place goes to..." Paulie drags out the moment. "Team Broadway... and that makes the winner, Team Rock." Paulie says team Rock as if he was passing a dirty diaper to the audience. His smile was all toothy for Asher when he turned to shake his hand. Adam from Team Broadway shakes Asher's hand. Lucia jumps up and down and hugs Zoey. The word narrows and becomes white.

So bright...

They have Team Broadway with Kyle going first to do the video of his journey on the show. They keep all of us on stage together but the world is so bright I blink the light out of my eyes but it doesn't get clear. Kyle sings and they do the same for Lucia. They wave and with Adam go off stage left. I feel the touch of Asher on my lower back but the touch was so fleeting it could have been ephemeral.

"This is for the grand prize," Paulie says and the carnival barker places the mic on the stand in front of me and walks off.

It was time to sing.

***

The arena light shines brightly in my eye. Black, then white...with each blink the brilliance clears from my eyes. I was dazed in that light. Mesmerized by it as time slowed around me. And with each blink, the brightness went from basic black, then white to a stage with people. A dark audience and Paulie standing next to me. His hollow toothy smile gleamed as always. He hands me the mic. The video of my The Tour journey shows on the big screen behind me. With all my performances and some backstage stuff. The mic is heavy in my hand and I should be getting ready to sing, right? But the only words on repeat in my mind are Megumi's. The big surprise is that I am now competing for the mega prize against Zoey. It's not a team win anymore it's 1 on 1.

What the fuck...

The music for the video is coming to an end. They even put Paulie announcing us as the winner and that only happened less than a few minutes ago. That's a pretty fast cut. At the end of the video, the audience claps and then settles down. That heavy mic only gets heavier in my hands. I should be starting, right? My eyes like gravity turn stage left looking for Asher with the other judges. He's nodding his head at me. I guess that means I should go. I bring the mic up...

"... thank you, I quit." And with those few words, I walk off stage. The audience doesn't even have time to catch up to my statement. Zoey looks at me like what the fuck. I smile at her and give her the thumbs up. With my eyes, I tell her everything is ok. It reminds me so much of when my mother would tell both of us. Just sing. It would be like we were flying. She won, this is her moment. I am not letting her have it. She won. That last performance she gave was fucking magical, and we didn't win in spite of it, we won because of it. I stayed in the competition because we were a team. I came to win a team talent competition. We won it. I'm done. If they want a solo singer competition now, fine. Good, I found your winner. Her name is Zoey Jude, and she's already a star.

Asher grabs my arm stopping me from leaving backstage. He talks in my ear fast. I don't hear him. I see Zoey singing the song we came up with together last night. The crowd holds its breath at her performance. You could feel them lean forward to catch each note. It's a simple song but so much more.

"What the fuck was that?" He rips through my inner thoughts. Carefully, I step back creating space.

"I'm doing the right thing," I responded.

"It's not right, it's running," he says.

"No, it's not. I want to finish my degree, she wants this life."

Like I've just thrown water into his face and anger washes over it. He looks back, Zoey is playing. Paulie is power walking to us behind the curtain. It's like a slice of two worlds on each side of the curtain. Zo, onstage playing and the audience loving it. Paulie stomps around like an angry moose. He gets into Asher's face.

"That isn't how this is supposed to go." Enraged Paulie screams. It catches all the backstage hands' attention. Megumi frantically waved to up the music volume. This wasn't a surprise for Paulie, this was always part of the show?

Something passes in Asher's eyes. Unconsciously, I feel my head shake back and forth. Deep rejection of the thoughts skipping across my mind and in the wake of the knowing tears roll down my cheek. The silent tears you want no one to hear. The pieces to the puzzle tumbled into my mind unbidden. Totally unwanted Paulie's talk with Asher last night...

I could yell. I could tell him that I knew he withheld information from me. I knew he lied by omission because he knew how this contest was ending. The big surprise where the two contestants battle it out for some super grand prize. They told us to have a goodbye song ready. I picked "Like a Bird," by Nelly Furtado. Unwittingly picked the right song it seemed. Asher has that panic look in his eyes. The look he gave me when he thought I was going to leave him after he told me he was an addict. That scared little boy with all the talent in the world so few ways to reach out. The boy that needed to get out of a bad situation and got into the worst one. That need for protection, love, and stability. Everything he doesn't want and everything he wants. He grabs my upper arm in a firm hold, keeping me in place. Keeping me there with him connected for just a few seconds more. I think maybe he thought that he had the perfect thing to get me to stay. For this one time to be something, he doesn't ruin. When he spoke he almost had me fooled.

"Don't you want to know who won?" This is it...? Those were his big words. Not sorry, I hate this business, let me come with you. Nope, nothing about us or forgiveness. I wondered once which of us was the caged bird that I always thought about with Asher. I got my answer.

I place my hand on his precious cheek. His eyes are always my favorite nebulous. All broken stars and beautiful hazel space clouds. But this time those whiskey gold eyes were filled with fear. My thumb grazes over his five o-cock shadows. It makes him look a little dangerous, his slick back hair and business suit never matches his tattoos. Not in a clashing way but always a striking contrast that somehow magically works. He was still my Asher. But my hand drops from his cheek and I break his hold. Then I look back at the stage and I can't help the smile however sad. I see Zoey being her amazing self.

"I already know my best friend won." Then I walk out without looking back. Firm in the knowledge that the beautiful train of my dress is following gracefully in my wake.