"When?" I attempted not to make it sound like an accusation but that was the first word on my lips. Asher flinches on top of me as if when was weaponized against him despite my effort for it not to sound that way. But I wanted to know when it started, I had to know. The spicy scent of our sex-saturated the air. Blinking the haze of sleep away through all the tiredness that still remains inside of me was a battle.

My fingers lazily comb through Asher's thick locks. Asher's head on my chest and my nails scratch through his scalp slowly calming us both down. Sleepiness pulls at me again but his words "I'm a sex addict," ring in my mind. Tonight was too many emotions and way too much stress. Fuck, even after cumming my brains out, my body was nothing more than a limp noodle.

Asher's massive body crushes me into the bed with his weight. His breathing was harsh with fast inhalations that were out of control. Asher's hardness against my thigh was a complete contrast to his emotional state. Did he stay hard when I fell asleep? My gaze is drawn to the floor-to-ceiling window. The city night stretched out so long that not even a hit of the coming day is in the sky. Houses below us in L.A. are nothing but tiny blinking lights that appear like the stars I love.

The bubble burst... The bubble didn't just burst, it got blown the fuck up with a bomb. I couldn't even ... Yeah, I came a lot. It was a massive amount of sex but the wrongness of it stuck. It stuck so much that it made me fucking uncomfortable. I knew he needed it but... He's a sex addict. Asher just dumped that on me all at once. His arms lock around me, caging me again. As if I'm that Birdy he calls me and I'm going to fly away at any second.

Well, Sabali aren't you? This is pretty fucked up. You fucked a guy for hours who would have stopped if you wanted but was completely unconnected in the sex. Which basically broke your heart. Hell, you're still crying. Shocked... my other hand on Asher's back lifted to my cheeks feeling the wetness there. I guess my brain knew I was crying and the rest of me didn't. My self admonishments circle my mind like carrion birds. Every doubt and red flag moment flitters past me in my mind. If Tucker and Paulie controlled his brother Dustin through drugs, how did they control Asher...?

...sex...

So, what we did wasn't right? Was I enabling... I don't even know what to do. It's too big. Addiction is a big thing. It was too many thoughts and falling asleep with all those thoughts made it worse somehow.

I wiggle a little for a more comfortable position under his enormous frame. But the burn coming from my center was a bit much. My whole body felt exhausted. Plus, for kiss mark bruising to show up on dark skin like mine, you got to put in the effort. Every time Asher moved it exposed more of my sweat-soaked body. And my eyes were drawn to the purplish marks retelling the night's exploits all over my flesh. The contrast between his ink and my marks was stark in the hint of the city light. Come morning it was going to look worse.

When I woke up all I wanted to know was when but mentally the coward in me is avoiding the answers I need to know. Because not knowing them would mean I don't have to make the hard choice like possibly ending things.

"Asher...Oorun," his head pops up at the Yoruba word. My grandmother only gave me bits and pieces of language. She got those pieces from her great-great-grandparents. The words surviving a stolen sea voyage and the slave trade. But I lavished the precious words on Asher. Maybe a part of him knew he was the star I think of him as. The sun I see and the nebula I call him. "I need to know when it started." I had to know, I needed to understand what the fuck was going on. "No, more secrets," without saying the rest of it out loud before one of us gets hurt. If Asher only knew how much power he had to hurt me.

"My brother was in town with his band. I was thirteen, and I had sex with three women. They were fans of my brother's band and they didn't care about me." His hold tightens on me as if he expects me to be angry at him. "I think Tucker thought he was doing me a favor. My new song was going nuts online. It was just before my brother got kicked out of his band."

I held Asher as tight as he held me while he told me about the sex. How Tucker got him his hookups before shows so he wouldn't be nervous on stage. As if women were a shot of blow and they were hyping him up. He told me about going to rehab and not knowing sex addiction was a thing but he was out of control. He couldn't work without having multiple hookups. How sex took over his life, and he saw his brother spinning out next to him. How helpless it made him feel. The more he told me the sicker I got. The more my stomach turned and the angrier I got at Tucker and Paulie.

Sober? I thought sober was for drinking. I didn't know whether sex addiction had sobriety or not.

Asher's been sober but his brother wasn't. Even though he told me his brother's story the two stories laced so much of his own that it all made sense. The hits kept coming, the relapse and promises from Tucker and Paulie. But he didn't tell me what those promises were... But I didn't want to stop him now that the dam of information burst out. Triggers were the worst. That certain things can get him upset, and he fucks his problems away. I did notice the difference between when Asher was all there in sex and Asher Kells. It was like two different people. The more he talked, the tighter his hold got on me bit by bit. He had not had an episode in almost six years but that just raised more questions for me. What happened six years ago? But I couldn't interrupt and let him stop because I needed to make the right choice for me. As much as I cared for Asher and wish to always be his friend at the very least. I had to make sure I survived him. That my existence the way it was in his life didn't turn into what happened before again and the wrongness of it.

More talk of triggers, therapists, healthy patterns, and behaviors. Writing in his journal regularly, his struggle to get, and stay sober. I was proud of him. Not many men in their 20s have to drag themselves into sobriety. The more he talked, the more I realized I missed all the red flags. So, many times he stopped us from having sex. How even I could feel how uncertain he was that first time we had sex together. Oh god, I completely ignored the red flags, my mind was blown.

His arms grew tighter around me after shifting under him for a better spot. I didn't say much to him.

"Rux can drive to the airport? I have a private plane that you can take back to Sacramento." The way he said it was so deadpan my heart broke for Asher. He's so accustomed to everyone leaving him. So, accustomed to being left behind or hiding from people who should have given a fuck about him. His tight hold slowly releases me. My hand never stops moving through Asher's hair.

"I'm staying." He keeps talking over me as he gives me my options for leaving. He missed what I said to him completely. Asher's head slips from my hold as he begins to sit up. Then his back is to me as he keeps talking. The distance between us grew as he pulled away from me emotionally, and physically.

"Rux can also drive you back in my car or the tour bus." He shuts down more and reaches around for his shirt. "I'm sorry," he says again to me.

"Oorun," I say to him loudly. It wasn't said in anger, no, the word dripped care. The sun, stars, a nebula that I loved. And my star was pushing me away because he was scared. I touch his back reaching for him even with bone-deep tiredness. He finally stopped and his shoulder hunched at my touch. "I'm staying, we're ok Asher." He turns back to me, big nebulas eyes with all that gold mixing with the blue.

"Really..." he said the word with such distrust.

"I'm ok, you're ok, we're ok. Remember? I got you. But no more secrets. No secrets between us at all. You need to tell me when you are having an episode. We have to communicate. I don't want to be part of the problem." I refuse to be part of the problem. He smiled, and it was one I knew too well. At his back the night sky with the Hollywood sign framing his shy and cautiously happy smile. I love that one, Oorun. "Are you going to get back into bed with me?" The bed was a fucking mess, but I wasn't moving and I needed to feel him. I was fucking done for the day. Ibuprofen was needed, and maybe some ice for my crotch. The realist of the real, fully worn out.

His smile widened and I liked that too. Everything wasn't fixed but maybe we were on the way to something more. I want to punch the shit out of Paulie and Tucker. Who does that to a fucking teenager? What kind of sickos treat sex like candy bars for a teenager to get them to work more? Even the flash of the thought had me wanting to throw things that wouldn't help at this moment. Asher got back into bed with me. He slides his arm under my head. His shoulder was so cool against my overheated head.

I took inventory of myself as if I was some prize fighter that just got done with the fight and barely won. The number of kiss marks added up and all I could think was Asher Kell was thorough as fuck. He fucked me to an inch past exhaustion. It's weird that I separated the one man into two but it was night and day. I wanted to lighten the mood even if it was only for myself.

"Pusszy is beat up to hell," I said with a laugh. He checks her out. A little bit of our mixed cum leaks out of me as if she gave up the last fight. Ew. He laughs which is what I was looking for out of him.

"It's kind of hot, but she's seen better days." I slap his shoulder.

"Wait, shouldn't you tell me I'm beautiful anytime you see me? Isn't that how these things are supposed to work? I'm the chick, you're the guy, and you tell me-"

"You're beautiful, absolutely beautiful." He cuts me off. I waited for his laughter but the joke didn't come. When I catch his expression, it's a sad smile like one of those goodbyes. Maybe a part of him didn't believe me. I kiss that sad smile.

The kiss bloomed, and the spiciness in my mouth had me moaning. We traded that kiss and our dance was back in full force. We fit and I missed the fit so bad. He slid back between my legs but this time his touch was totally different. The stars in his eyes were there. But my tears didn't stop. I needed him to wash everything away about that night. The wrongness hung inside of me in the worst way. When he touched my lips, I hissed in pain. I was so swollen and well past ripe. He took it slowly rubbing his thick head again through my creamy messy folds. My core clenched in anticipation.

He was slow with the way he entered me. And we both watched his thick cock so slick and messy pushing out what was already there. We were both fascinated. Couldn't look away even as we tried our best to go slow. The involuntary moans slipped from our mouths together like a symphony. I was so covered in both our pleasure and he got deep.

It was slow sex filled with feather-light touches hesitant but present with me. The frantic disconnection was gone. When his lips touched my tattoo, my heart broke all over again. And in the best possible way because that piece that was missing slid back into place. My Asher was back.

He lifts up to watch himself inside me, and it's so sexy. Our eyes meet drinking in the stretch of him inside of me. The way my hips twitched up to meet him. So, helpless and uncontrolled to fuck his thick cock back. I couldn't stop my overtaxed body, he owned it. And it knows every time he comes calling and brings that fuck back out of me.

Asher's hand moves to my neck, his thumb against the birdy tattoo on my neck. The words I want to say as we climb higher together hang off my lips. The fragile words are as precarious as his house hangs off the cliff overlooking a L.A. It was I love you... but it wasn't said. Instead, he says birdy while he cums into me and I join him saying, Asher. The emotional turmoil was still in his gaze and the thought that it was still probably in mine too. But sleep dragged me down again. Yet again... the little birdy tries to reach the star and fails. And the Starboy gets just a little further away.

Darkness.