I shifted slightly in my spot, trying to get more comfortable in the crook of the huge tree Nolan and I were nestled in. A few minutes earlier, he had piggybacked me up into the tree, completely freeing me from the effort of climbing.

He leaned away as if to give me some space.

"Sorry," I said. "Bad angle."

"Don't worry about it."

Finally, I settled on a position that wasn't putting excessive strain on my back.

"I'm good now," I said.

He returned his arm to rest around my waist. The sturdy weight of his arm felt reassuring on my back. I never wanted him to retract it.

Letting out a sigh, I looked up at the dark sky. I couldn't remember the last time we sat in a tree, only that it had to be a few years back.

"Today," Nolan said, "the guy who's been absent at all our project meetings—the one I told you about—showed up to class for our presentation."

I snorted. "Are you serious? What did you guys do?"

"We ignored him and presented on our own. Someone in my group had been informing the professor about his lack of contribution, so he only graded the rest of us."

"What did he say?" I asked, curious. "The guy, not the professor."

"His face got really red because we snubbed him in front of everyone, but he couldn't say anything. The professor asked him to stay back after class."

"That's got to be embarrassing."

"For sure," Nolan said. "How about you? How was your day?"

As I rested my head on his shoulder, I said, "Nothing eventful happened. It was a good day."

"Good."

The forest air was damp against my cheeks. Despite hearing some scurrying noises beneath our tree, I couldn't see anything that was making them when I peeked down.

"There's this café I want to go to," I said, turning to Nolan. "I know we don't really go to food places, but their pancake special looks really good."

There was a medley of fruits placed on and around the tall stack of pancakes in the menu illustration, and the sight of it had me drooling.

"We can go next week," he said. "You don't have to avoid restaurants when we go out for my sake, you know."

This wasn't the first time he'd said that. Nolan reminded me of this every now and then, insisting that I should get to sit down for a meal too.

"I know."

"I can enjoy the atmosphere even if I don't eat."

In the past, I had wistfully thought about how nice it would be if we could go to restaurants or cafés and try different foods and share them like every other normal couple. I had wanted to go in the day, when the lighting would be nice for photo-taking, although I didn't mind having to go out only in the evenings because of Nolan's condition.

To be honest, now I preferred just hiking in forests and parks after sunset. At least in these secluded spots, I could hold his hand without fear of other people looking. I didn't have to endure that awful spike of anxiety that pierced through my entire being every time he put his arm over my shoulders.

"I know. Thanks, Nolan."

His other arm circled around me from the front, pulling me into a tight embrace. His action had my face pressed up against his collar bone, and I inhaled the deeply comforting scent emanating from his soft T-shirt.

"I'm just stating facts," he muttered. "Don't thank me."

As I pulled back to check his expression, I couldn't help the frown that tugged at my lips.

"What's wrong?" I asked.

He looked like he was thinking about something.

"Huh? Nothing's wrong," he said. "Why?"

"I don't know. You're acting a little weird. Or maybe I'm just imagining things. Are you okay?"

"Why wouldn't I be okay?" he asked instead, which deepened my suspicions.

Nolan never answered a question with a question. He always gave a direct reply, even if it was a negative one.

"I never said you weren't okay. I was asking if you were."

"Yeah, of course I'm fine."

"Okay," I said, squinting at him. "If you're sure. You know you can tell me anything, don't you?"

"Yeah," he said. "I know."

I waited, but Nolan didn't say anything else. He merely hugged me to him again, enveloping me in his strong arms.

------------------------------------------------

The semester was almost over.

Over the last few months, Nolan had basically 'downgraded' himself to a friend when we were in public.

He minimized all forms of physical contact and putting a bit more distance between us, all without me having to say a word. It was like he'd read my mind and realized how afraid I was of people looking at us.

Was I really that easy to read?

It was painful to walk alongside him, whether we were on campus or not, and not be able to take his hand whenever I wanted. Sometimes I found myself reaching for his hand or beginning to lean my head on his shoulder before realizing it and stopping myself halfway.

We no longer held hands in public, and the casual touches on the face or head we sometimes gave each other ceased entirely.

It felt like our relationship had become a secret, even without coming to a verbal agreement on it.

We didn't talk about it.

I was too afraid to bring it up, and I thought Nolan didn't want to talk about it anyway. He never mentioned it.

At least we still behaved like a couple when we were alone. It hadn't gotten to the point where we were awkward with each other even in private. That was good, wasn't it?

This winter break, it was my turn to visit Nolan's hometown for a few days. I wasn't sure if I was more excited or apprehensive about it. I didn't want people to look at us as we were walking around and judge us for the apparent age gap between us.

The thought of this situation worsening as time went on completely dashed my hopes for future vacations.

Upon sensing someone's presence behind me, I lifted my head to see Nolan placing a hand on the back of the chair beside mine.

"Hey," he said, sliding into the seat. "You're not hungry today?"

He placed the plate of cheese fries in his hand on the table.

I flicked a glance back at the bowl of salad sitting on the cafeteria table before me. "Nah."

As he studied my face, I swiftly diverted my attention back to my salad and picked up my fork.

"You haven't had much appetite lately," he said. "Are you okay? Is it stress?"

"I guess you could say that," I mumbled, biting into a cherry tomato.

Technically, that was correct. I simply didn't clarify what I was feeling stressed about.

"I thought you were doing well in your classes."

"But, well, you know, just because I'm doing okay doesn't mean I can't feel stressed."

I ate another cherry tomato I'd speared onto my fork, savoring the crunch and slight sour tang to it.

"You got some tomato juice on your face." Nolan reached out with his thumb towards my cheek but stopped right before he made actual contact.

Painfully conscious of the thoughts that were probably running through his mind, I stared right back at him. I didn't want to stop him from wiping it off my face. It would only take a second. At the same time, the fact that he was clearly hesitating on this, something that he would never have given a second thought about in the past, bothered me.

In the end, Nolan dropped both his hand and gaze.

"Thanks," I said.

I used the back of my hand to feel for the sauce on the part of my face he was about to touch.

He grabbed some fries and shoved them into his mouth. Coldness gripped my body as I watched him chew and swallow them like it was nothing, like it wouldn't hurt him. Then he picked up a few more.

Stunned, I grabbed his wrist. "What are you doing?"

His green eyes shifted from his plate to my hand.

"Eating."

He didn't take his eyes off it.

"You're not supposed to—you promised me you wouldn't—" Choked by the words that wouldn't leave my throat, fearful of being overheard by others around us, I could only peer desperately at him. "Why?"

"I just want to."

"But why?"

Gently, he used his clean hand to pry my fingers off him.

"We're in public," he said softly, still without looking at me.

"I-I don't care," I said, aware that I was lying through my teeth. "I don't care if they see it."

Friends could do this. Casual touches between friends were normal. Nolan's health was more important. I couldn't comprehend why he was doing this out of nowhere. He'd clearly told me before how bad his body's reaction was to normal food. Even if he wanted to try an interesting dish, he would only ever have a tiny nibble of something. He would never have a second bite.

In the same bland tone, he asked, "Really? You don't?"

Suddenly, his beautiful green eyes met mine. Nolan drew closer, angling his face in the way he usually did when he was about to kiss me on the cheek. I swallowed, conscious of just how crowded the dining room was at the moment. It was likely that someone who knew me would see us.

Right before his lips could touch me, I moved my face away, my heartbeat louder than thunder in my ears.

I immediately flinched upon realizing what I'd done.

At my reaction, Nolan drew back. A faint smile crossed his face, but his expression was otherwise unreadable. He said nothing as he leaned back in his seat.

I opened my mouth to apologize, to tell him that it wasn't an unwanted advance, that I didn't mean to do it, but all that my vocal cords could squeeze out was a pathetic squeak.

"I ..."

What could I say? That I moved on autopilot to evade his kiss because I was so afraid of everyone else judging me?

It didn't seem like Nolan was waiting for a response from me anyway. He had already turned back to his fries. The moment I saw him putting some fries to his mouth, my hand moved on its own to snatch his wrist away again. Something in my chest ached. If he were a normal person, this would have been a perfectly normal action. In fact, I would be the abnormal one for stopping him.

He flicked a dismissive glance at me.

"Don't," I pleaded, not willing to let go. "Please don't. Didn't you say before that you wouldn't?"

Why are you doing this?

His jaw clenched, and Nolan tossed the fries back onto his plate.

"Fine," he said.

"What's wrong?" I asked, keeping my gaze on him despite his avoidance of eye contact. "Why are you doing this?"

"I'm tired, Chelsea," he said, covering his face with one hand.

What are you tired of?

I didn't ask the question that swam around in my mind, in part because we were in public and in part because I was afraid of the answer.

There were a lot of things he could say in response to that. I wasn't sure I wanted to hear it. I knew I was selfish in thinking that, but my heart had sunk so far down that I couldn't muster the strength to ask him.

My heart felt hollow, like someone had carved out its insides and left me with the husk. I mechanically ate my salad, trying to look normal.

A burning sensation began at the back of my eyes, so I forced myself to keep looking down at my meal.

I couldn't let any tears fall in front of him. It would be proof that not everything was fine, and everything had to be fine.

It had to be.

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AN: i'm going to be ramping up my writing soon, guys. for like, my other stories as well. look forward to it! thanks as always  for reading, and if you enjoyed it, please leave me a vote and comment! really love you guys for all your support and comments!! ≧('▽｀)≦

p.s. follow me on insta @lottestarburst guys! I'll be posting sneak peeks of my upcoming chapters for my various works + share (not that good) doodles of my characters :D