When I was a child
There were so many things I wanted to be, to do, to see
There was a black hole inside my chest that ached for more
The void that could never be satisfied
I wanted to say things
I wanted to write things
I wanted to read things
But I don't want your pity

I looked to my mother
She was the light in my dark, self loathing, confused life
I looked to her because she always seemed to be right
But there was an ache and I tried to fill it
Because I didn't want your pity

I'd always ask if I could do something before I did it
I craved her permission, her approval
I craved knowing that I had done something right

And the thing is, with people we look up to,
They don't know how much power they hold over your life
When you come to them with an idea that you hold close to your shattered glass heart
And they shoot it down with words that you know to be all too true
Who are you to complain?
They have the higher knowledge, they hold the cards

When you are told for so long that you aren't worth it
Or that you can't do something
You truly believe it
Because how wrong can a father be?
How wrong can everyone else be?
Because who would want stupid?
But I don't want your pity

When the ache
The collapsing star pulling in dreams and crushing them
When that ache overwhelms you
You want nothing more than to say
"I could do this"
Because that's all you want to believe
You want to believe, no.
Convince yourself of the lie
That you are worth it
Or that you still have potential

When life looks you dead in the eye, poker face in place
And hands you the cards that it has just dealt
You want nothing more than to tear out the darkness pulling you under
Into the void
Into the black hole
Into the supernova of self doubt
But I don't want pity

Money has always been a problem
We were never rich
But we always made it though
Sometimes I tried to forget that even if I wanted to make the most of everything
I couldn't
Because things need money
And money is work
And work doesn't pay well
And food costs money
And the family need to eat
And bills need paying
And clothes need fixing
And children need toys
And adults need entertainment
And children have birthdays
And houses need fixing
And everything revolves around the paycheck coming weekly
There is no wriggle room

I don't want your pity

When it seems like the storm swirling around the bottomless pit
Can finally be contained
The opportunity that lights up the sky, even through the clouds
It gets shot down, a blanket covering any attempt to escape
Because there's more than you in your family
There's you and six other dependants
And when your endeavours cost more than the bills
Your family isn't giving up electricity

I had dreams
And like to think I still do
But the hole, the echoing void
It still aches
Because I yearn for more than what I can ever have
Not because I want earthly possessions
Not because I want to boast what I have
Because I want to believe that I am truly worth something, even if it's only to myself

And I don't want your pity,
I give myself enough of that
I want your approval
I want opportunity to broaden my horizons
I fear the past far more than I fear the future
Because, looking back, when the bread on the table was the bread for the week
You don't stare a gift horse in the mouth
You take what you can get

Sometimes I forget that life isn't easy
I get caught up in my own make believe world where
If I want to do something
I can
I get caught up in fantasies where
If the ache of the black hole can be soothed by learning or doing the best I can
I do it

Because I don't want your pity
I want to live

~ MallaHarkness04