【 CHAPTER EIGHT】
prank war
( 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9
IT'S THE TEN DUEL COMMANDMENTS
IT'S THE TEN DUEL COMMANDMENTS )

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RULES OF THE PRANK WAR
by Isla Bronx

1) WINNERS WILL BE DECIDED BY A NUMBER OF FACTORS
INCLUDING (BUT NOT LIMITED TO):
a) CREATIVITY
b) AMOUNT
c) PRESENTATION

2) EXAM SEASON IS OFF-LIMITS. NO EXCEPTIONS.

3) THE WINNER WILL BE VOTED BY THE STUDENT BODY
IN THE DAILY CREEVEY (PROTEAN CHARM)
AND COUNTED BY ISLA BRONX (NEUTRAL THIRD PARTY).

4) IF ANYONE IS HURT BADLY ENOUGH TO BE ADMITTED TO
THE HOSPITAL WING IN THAT PARTICULAR PRANK,
IT WILL AUTOMATICALLY BE DISQUALIFIED.
CONFUSE, DON'T ABUSE.

5) A TRUCE CAN BE INITIATED AT ANY MOMENT
WITH CONSENT FROM BOTH PARTIES.
ANY PRANKS PULLED DURING THE TRUCE
WILL NOT BE COUNTED IN THE FINAL RESULT.

6) PRANK IDEAS MUST BE SUBMITTED TO ISLA BRONX SO
SHE CAN DOCUMENT THE SUCCESS OF THE CONCEPT
AND EXECUTION FOR THE DAILY CREEVEY FOR THE STUDENTS
TO CAST VOTES AT THE END OF THE YEAR.

7) THE WAR WILL LAST UNTIL
THE END OF THE SCHOOL YEAR.
MORE SPECIFICALLY: UNTIL EVERY STUDENT
LEAVES THE CASTLE FOR THE SUMMER.

8) BOTH PARTIES MAY USE A VARIETY
OF MAGICAL AND MUGGLE PRANKS.
THE GOAL IS TO MAKE ITS EXECUTION
AMUSING AND MEMORABLE.

9) BOTH PARTIES CAN ENLIST THE HELP
OF FRIENDS FOR A MAXIMUM OF FIVE PRANKS.
ANY DISCOVERY OF A PARTY GOING OVER
THE DECIDED AMOUNT WILL FORFEIT IMMEDIATELY.
THE OTHER PARTY WILL AUTOMATICALLY BE
CROWNED AS THE WINNER OF THE WAR.

10) TEACHERS ARE-

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'Hang on,' interrupted James. 'Only five?'

'What? Scared you can't win against little ole me all by yourself?' sneered Miri, even though she already had at least 7 prank ideas that require more than just her effort.

'Course not!' he backtracked. 'I was worried about you. After all, I come from a line of pranksters and my uncle owns the top wizarding prank shop in the world! Whereas you are just starting out bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. I wouldn't want my 'competition' to crash and burn too badly too quickly, now would I?'

Miri narrowed her eyes at him, knowing full well he was goading her to change that aspect of the rules.

'You're right,' she said finally, deciding the risk was worth it. 'I am a newbie at this. Shouldn't we both have the exact same opportunities?'

James frowned, narrowing his eyes at her.

'Which means that it would be unfair if you roped in your uncle who is the owner of the, what was it you said? Most successful prank shop in the world?'

James nodded very reluctantly.

'Why,' she fake gasped, 'that means that you could get more sophisticated prank products than I ever could! For free! I would think that that would give you an advantage over me, no? And how could you possibly bear to watch me crash and burn too badly too quickly?'

She batted her eyelashes, using the tone she would tell her mom that no, she did not eat the last of the chocolate chip cookies how dare she and How could she possibly accuse her darling angel daughter of such a crime and Why didn't she ever ask Maria over there if she'd done the Very Bad Thing™?

Hmm. It seemed that the tone invoked the exact same expression on the faces of people who have never had a single conversation with one another.

He opened his mouth to protest. Miri quickly dealt the final blow. 'It would simply hurt your chivalrous Gryffindor prankster image if people were to point out that the prank war was an unfair one, now wouldn't it?'

There was an audible snap coming from James' jaw. Now it was his turn to glare at her smirk she hid (badly) behind a concerned expression. It seems she'd stumbled upon one of his secret weapons. And now he was mad. Oh, dear. How shall she ever defend herself against the mighty prankster who tripped on his own shoelace so much that people were betting on the final number at the end of the year?

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'What if we got Uncle George to sponsor the prank war?' Teddy said, breaking the tension. 'It would help him advertise his new products and if you have any specific products you need that hasn't been invented yet, well hey! He gets a new invention to sell too!'

James turned his glare at him and hissed, 'You're supposed to be on my side!'

'I'm not even supposed to be here!' he hissed back. 'I had a nice relaxing afternoon planned with Liam before you two dunderheads decided to drag us into watching you compare your-'

He stopped, cheeks turning absurdly red as he faced the two First Years.

Liam bit his lip, fighting a grin while feeling relief his best friend had enough sense not to finish that sentence. He would've decked him for using that sort of language in front of his little sister.

'Compare our what?' Miri asked, looking unfairly doe-eyed at the moment.

'Never mind. Just... hurry up.' He returned to his seat besides Liam as the First Years continued their 'civilised debate'. Teddy dropped his head onto his shoulder. 'Why-'

'I don't know.'

'They're both eleven.'

'I know. One's my sister. Nice catch though.'

'Whyyyyyyyyy-'

'I don't know but that train wreck was hilarious to watch.'

Teddy flipped him off.

'Not in front of the kids, dear.'

Teddy groaned.

Liam chuckled but he couldn't say that he didn't share the sentiment. He could very honestly say he wasn't sure how he ended up here. He thinks he heard Miri say something about moral support. It's more likely that it was so that she and James didn't tear each other apart. He might've not been the strongest person in the castle but he was the person who knew her best.

He looked at the shouting pair. Yup.

He vaguely remembered marching towards the Hospital Wing yesterday, full of righteous anger, Teddy hot on his heels, ready to give his stupid sister the dressing down of her life.

And then said sister had snatched him away from his friend by just... pulling his ear and storming away? He still wasn't quite clear on the how. She was like 20 inches shorter and weaker than him in the physical strength department.

Just as she was going to turn down the corridor, she'd turned and yelled, 'You're going down wazzock!', forming a L on her forehead with her free hand.

When he'd looked back, he saw James Potter sticking his tongue out at her, Teddy looking between the two, bewildered.

Flash forward around 15 hours and they were now in the classroom the Daily Creevey newspaper crew met up in every to discuss article ideas because it was the only place they knew for certain wouldn't have any teachers.

And as for students, one look at Isla Bronx's eyebrow raise and the couple who'd been making out on the desk practically sprinted out the door.

Liam looked at the desk and grimaced. He was going to report that as soon as he could. And possibly sue them for the therapy bills.

Once they'd settled, Miri and James told Bronx about what each of them wanted on the very official-looking document. Which was also very not legally binding because contracts drawn and signed by minors held no power in court.

'Not that I'm gonna tell them that,' she'd told him, winking. 'Honestly, I'm kinda excited to see my second prank war.'

And it might've been a pleasant experience. There are many things that might've been a pleasant experience. Listening to Liam sing, for instance, might've been a pleasant experience.

Unfortunately for his roommates, the keyword in the sentence was 'might've'. And might've always meant that reality is disappointing.

In a matter of nature vs nurture, he'd followed in the Chengs' footsteps and always sang in the shower. Quite horribly too if any of the frequent complaints he got had a kernel of truth in it.

Accusations, insults and passive-aggressive comments were just the start of it. It had been three hours. Three. And they had only managed to agree on 10 - he leaned over to look at the parchment in front of Bronx - Unbelievable! 9 and a half rules.

Some of these were common sense! Exams were off-limits? Well of course they were!

Miri spat saliva at James. He screamed and retaliated by rubbing it in her hair. She started slapping him. 'Ew, ew, ew, gross absolutely not!'

Okay, so maybe not common sense to some people. I.e.: Wazzock Potter and Miriam the Buckethead.

At this point, both of them were standing, probably to assert dominance. Quite unfortunately for James, (who had stood first), Miri was taller than him by 2 good inches. From the look in the boy's eyes, he was certain that the only reason he hadn't throttled her yet for that fact alone was because of the desk separating them. And quite frankly, 1 of the 3 people present didn't care if he had to hold a funeral for his sister soon if it was the fastest way he could get some caffeine into his system.

Bronx, being of absolutely no help at all, looked as though she had some popcorn. And a video camera that worked inside of Hogwarts.

'Wazzock!'

'Erumphant!'

Miri blinked. 'Bless you?'

'That was an insult!'

'You can't insult me if I don't know what the insult is!'

'Of course, I can! I just did!'

'That's enough!' he cut in. 'May I see the list?'

Bronx dutifully handed it over.

He tilted the parchment so that Teddy could read it too. After a few minutes of blessed, sweet blessed silence, the two of them exchanged a look and nodded.

Teddy handed the parchment back. 'This should do for now. If you two have any more rules you want to add later, do not contact us. We will not help you. We will not attend. We will not sit here numbing our butts for three hours ever again, do you understand?'

'But-'

'Miri.'

'We didn't-'

'Mims.'

'We just-'

'My darling Miriam.'

'We actually did nee-'

'Cheng Shi Ting, look at me,' said Liam, ignoring how his sister scowled at her birth Chinese name.

'Shi Ting?' mumbled James in confusion. However, hearing it for the first time, he butchered it and turned it into, 'I'm sorry, shitting?!'

Liam was almost impressed by the amount of hatred directed at him from his sister's eyes. Almost.

He pointed at her. 'Nope. No, you don't get to look at me like that. Look me in the eye. Both eyes. Look at them. Look.'

Miri did not look. She glared.

'My bags look like I've been in a fight. I am living off caffeine because that is the only way I can get everything done on time. My arm is practically useless. I have not had a good night's sleep in a month. Today was going to be the first time since we arrived at this school where the two of us could actually relax. We have N.E.W.T.S. We have them this year and the teachers are sadistic little demons. Do you realise what you two have stolen from us today?'

Miri broke their eye contact, still glaring but not as much as before. 'I'm sorry.'

'Yeah,' said James, her guilt mirrored on his face. 'We shouldn't have dragged you two into our mess. It wasn't fair of us.'

Liam's face softened. 'It's fine.'

'But do this again and I will kick you into the Forbidden Forest and I will fall asleep with a smile on my face,' threatened Teddy, still lying resolutely on his chair.

The two nodded.

Bronx clapped to get their attention. 'Right. Since that's settled, I just need the two of you to sign here and here,' she said, pointing to the bottom of the paper. 'And then our lovely witnesses may sign right under them.'

James snatched up the pen, signed and handed it to Teddy before Bronx even finished. Then, taking the pen from his godbrother, he held eye contact with Miri and deliberately passed the pen to Liam. He signed as fast as he could and held the pen in her direction. She didn't take it.

His sister's eyes were blank, unblinking. It was a front. He could see the thoughts whirling inside her tiny brain.

He groaned mentally. I just want my coffee.

Seconds turned into minutes. The tension grew. Everyone in the room was silent. They stared at the source, paid attention to each micro expression she let appear on her face. James looked like he had a wedgie. Teddy inched behind Liam. Liam wanted to scream at her. He settled for a disapproving look.

Finally, near the five-minute mark, what she probably thought was a small unsettling smile broke through her stone mask. Liam thought she looked like an idiot who was taking up too much of his time.

She picked up the pen and signed the parchment, drawing a smiley face right next to it, all the while singing Twinkle Twinkle Little Star. Except she modified the lyrics.

Twinkle Twinkle Little Star
Hope you get hit with a car
Throw you off a cliff so high
Hope you-

'Well, no.' She giggled. 'I don't actually hope you break your neck and die. Then there won't be anyone to make me look good.' Turning to the frozen shell that was once James Potter, her smile widened. 'May the best prankster win.' And then she skipped out the door.

He rolled his eyes. She was such a drama queen. Though, he supposed it worked.

James collapsed into his chair. Silence reigned over them like a dark storm cloud, broken by Bronx's low whistle. 'I like her. I'm making her my apprentice.'

'Do not!' Liam snapped, his mind providing him with a technicolour vision of the two breaking Hogwarts. He suppressed a shudder. 'I forbid it!'

'Well since you disapprove...' The sly smile on her face was convincing absolutely no one. She glanced at her bare wrist. 'Oh, dear. Is that the time? I'm afraid I'm late for an appointment. Buh-bye boys!'

Liam dropped his head onto the table, forehead ricocheting twice. He heard James take a few deep breathes and stood up.

'I,' he announced, halfway to the door, 'am going to start planning.'

'Good luck,' he called out. 'Don't die.'

The footsteps stopped then hurried away in earnest.

Teddy settled beside him. 'She wouldn't-'

'She might,' he said. 'Although, the chances of it is significantly lower since she can't do anything to him physically. Honestly, the only thing that she can really do is scare him to death. Although in my opinion, she won't be able to accomplish that either.' Honestly, he had no idea why people were scared of his sister's amateur attempt at becoming Regina George.

Teddy's head dropped beside him. 'He's fucked.'

'If you say so.'

'He's fucked.'

'Hmm.'

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Miri hummed as she skipped around the castle, trying to find a certain pair of students.

She loved skipping. Preferred it to running actually. With skipping it seemed like she could fly, even if it was only just for one second. Plus, she actually travelled faster and further when she skipped, as long as she kicked the ground hard enough.

She pictured James' face as he gave the pen to Liam and kicked.

She started skipping when she took ballet as a kid. And then she stopped because it was too time consuming and she wasn't that invested anyway. The only reason she started ballet lessons anyways was because Barbie and the 12 Dancing Princesses was her favourite movie (the opening credits song was to die for).

She still liked the ballet songs and occasionally she would burst into a weak imitation of the dance but that wasn't the life she wanted.

(Also, she wasn't sure if the fact she could still touch her toes with her fingers was because she was still flexible or because she had long arms.)

However, no matter how many benefits skipping had over running, the one thing they shared in common was that she couldn't do it for long without tiring.

Panting, she reached the library, the final destination she would look for them. If they weren't here, Miri would simply catch them at another time. She really did have to plan her pranks out and prove to darling Jamesykins that she could pull off an epic prank without hurting anyone.

Miri moved from row to row, scanning the seats for them. Finally, near the middle of the library, she spotted them with another girl.

Quietly, so as to not give away her presence, she tiptoed behind them.

'I have had it up to here!' Rebekah whispered-screamed at what Miri presumed was her homework. No matter how frustrated she was, she was still in the library.

New Girl frowned. 'Your head is still bothering you?'

At Rebekah's nod, Lorna said, 'Let's just go to the Hospital Wing. I bet that Madam Edgecombe has a potion that will help your head.'

'Absolutely not. One nasty potion per month is all I can stand from her.'

'Then at least get some painkillers,' pleaded Lorna.

New Girl jumped in. 'Please. For me if not for you.'

'Yeah, I've had to hear you complain about it at least fifty times since yesterday. And poor Dom here had probably heard it a hundred times.'

'Make that a hundred and fifty,' Dom muttered.

'Just go and ask for some paracetamol or aspirin or ibuprofen. I don't care. Just get something to numb your goddamn pain.'

Rebekah snorted. 'Do you honestly believe that a Magic school would have Muggle medicine? I'm not even sure the Wizarding World has vaccines.'

Rebekah and Lorna looked at a thoughtful Dom. 'Honestly, I'm not sure.'

Lorna groaned. 'Okay, but at this point, I'm less "in pain" and more "mad at whoever decided to saw off the legs of our freaking chairs". Like, just why. What did we ever do to you?'

Dom shrugged. 'Wrong place wrong time?'

Rebekah cracked her knuckles. 'They better pray I never find out who sabotaged our chairs. Or else...' She hit her umbrella against her palm.

Miri grinned at the opening and said, 'It just so happens that you are in luck, ladies.'

The three jumped and whirled around.

'What the hell?' cursed Dom. 'Who even are you?'

'Miri?' exclaimed Rebekah. 'What'd you do that for? You scared me so much, I think I saw heaven!'

'No way. We're definitely going downstairs for the Bishop Incident last year.'

Miri watched them smirk at one another. Seemed like James picked the wrong people to mess with. She nearly shuddered from the invisible knife in their pearly whites.

Lorna squinted. 'And what do you mean "we're in luck"?'

Miri's smiled wider, showing off her sharp canines. 'I know exactly who put you in the Hospital Wing. And I have a way for you to get back at him. You in?'

The three exchanged a glance.

'I'm in,' said Rebekah.

'Me too,' Lorna agreed.

They looked at the red-haired girl. She shrugged. 'Yeah sure. Why not. It's not like I have anywhere else to be.'

Eyes glittering, Miri said, 'Okay, here's what I need you to do...'

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In a townhouse facing Highbury Fields, Maria Cheng was bent over her science homework. After writing and erasing her answers for the fifth time, she muttered, 'I can't believe I'm saying this but I wish the donkey wasn't magic.'

It was unanimously agreed in the Cheng household that all the siblings had a certain area of expertise at school. Miri might've been the one who had the (objectively) best voice and Liam definitely had an eye for aesthetics but it was Maria who excelled at the arts (even if they both argued that technically, they were all tied for first, so technically, there were no real winners).

The most notable aspect of that statement was that she was the most musically talented out of her siblings. She was the only one that knew how to play her father's old guitar, the one that was the most interested when her mother used to play on her piano and the one that was slowly but surely honing a perfect pitch, simply to spite her tone-deaf siblings who said that she couldn't.

Liam's was languages, seeing as he spent nearly 11 years of his life in their old home in Singapore. The country had imprinted itself on his soul, moulding it so that whenever he spoke, he couldn't resist throwing out some Singlish phrases-slash-curse words. (Miri used them too for the occasional bilingual lapse on the English front. The difference was that she mostly used it around family members. And seeing as Maria had only been 3 when they moved to England, it wasn't a surprise that she couldn't really remember the country where she was born.)

And then there was Miri, who was rather average in Maths but better than everyone in Science. Privately, Maria and Liam believed that that's why Miri was so opposed to being forced to go to Hogwarts. There wasn't a single lick of Hydrogen Peroxide or Frog Dissection or whatever mad experiment Miri wanted to try at the very expensive school she was going to go to with its advanced scientific facilities.

Anyway, Miri being the prodigal scientific genius she was meant that anytime Maria hit a stump in her homework, their mother would force her to help with the assignment.

'Nei hai keoi ge zeze e. (You're her older sister.)' Caroline would say over Miri's protests. 'Nei bun loi ying goi bong keoi zho ge. (You're supposed to take care of her.)'

And Miri would help her. Grudgingly. Unwillingly. Resentfully. Muttering curses and giving Maria the stink eye the entire time.

Sharp knocks came from her window. Maria peered at the familiar Pygmy-Owl and smiled at the distraction. 'Speak of the donkey and she shall appear. Thank you, Mims.'

The owl hooted pointedly at her.

'And thank you, Gylfie.' Maria reached under her bed for the secret stash of owl treats she and Miri kept for any additional letters Liam would send them via Gylfie that their mother would disapprove of. Like the one about him decking the entire Quidditch pitch in glitter right before the last game of the year. Now that was a story for the ages.

'Here you go, girl.' She held out the treats, took the letter addressed specifically to her and zeroed in on her sister's horrid handwriting.

'Huh,' she examined. 'This is new.' Usually, Miri just let Liam take care of the penmanship. So exactly how illegal were the contents of this letter gonna be?

Finished with the treats, Gylfie hopped onto Maria's homework. Maria smiled. 'Bring the other letters downstairs now, would you? I'll give you more treats later.'

With an agreeing hoot, the Pygmy-Owl flew back out into the night. A few seconds later, Maria heard a loud clatter as something dropped onto the ground. Her grandmother thundered, 'GYLFIE! What do you WANT you stupid bird?! NO, I don't have any rats or guinea pigs or whatever the hell your diet is this week! SHOO!'

Maria sighed. It seemed that her grandmother still hated animals inside the house. Her dream of getting a Pomeranian seemed to be a little more out of reach each time Gylfie flew into their house.

The letter said, My sweet, darling Maria,

Maria narrowed her eyes. 'What do you want?'

As it turned out, quite a bit. The longer she read, the higher Maria's eyebrows climbed. Eventually, they greeted their old friend Mademoiselle Hairline. 'What even-'

Her eyes caught onto the last sentence. P.s.: Can you send me 5 stacks of foolscap paper and 10 needle-tip gel pens? The blue ones, not the black. It's like these people want to live in an age where people died at the age of 30 with their stupid candles and ink pots that shatter easily because it's glass and flimsy quills and parchment that my staple can't pierce and, oh yeah, an actual freaking castle for a school building. For God's sake, I sleep in the dungeon.

Maria scoffed. 'You probably deserve it.'

P.p.s: Don't tell anyone.

'Do you think I'm stupid or something?'

P.p.p.s: Yes. You can't even do a simple equation for photosynthesis without my help.

'Grr...'

Honestly, Maria was kinda flattered that her sister trusted her of all people to help her with this potentially lethal experiment to beat this 'wazzock'.

Oh, wait.

Huh.

Umm...

... Nope. Still flattered if a tiny bit insulted. Her sister was good at invoking that mix of emotion from people.

Also, what's a wazzock?

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a/n

i literally just keep giving miri the most embarrassing
names I can think of. fortunately for her (but unfortunately
for me), this is like the last name I can give her.

if you're a little confused, miri's name evolution is:

birth name: miriam cheng shi ting
(shi ting or 诗婷 translates somewhat to
graceful poetry. unfortunately, kids are cruel and
luckily, her parents saw sense and changed it.)

current name: miriam cheng yi yen
(yi yen or 以嫣 doesn't really translate to anything.
however, it does still have a significant meaning.

in the 嫣, the 女 part means girl. and maria's chinese
name is cheng ruyen or 郑如嫣. See, miri and maria both
have 嫣 in their names. however, miri's name only has
one 女 while maria's has two. this is because miri is
the first daughter while maria is the second daughter.)

(just to throw it in, liam's chinese name is cheng kai jie
or 郑凯杰 which very roughly translates to victorious hero.
yes, i spent way too much time on their names. sue me.)

also, i am pooped. i wrote like half of this in one setting
how the hell do people churn out 8000+ chapters
every week I feel like we need to study their brains.

welcome back, the pink-loving queen herself, maria cheng! (I love her your honour she's my
emotional support cinnamon roll.)

honestly I have like the quarter of the next chapter
already written so keep your eyes peeled for that
I'm not making any promises though I've been tryingto write this chapter for like the past 3 to 4 months