【 CHAPTER SIX】
the wazzock
( GO, LEAVE ME ALONE
CUT ME DOWN, BUT I WON'T FALL
I'M NOT A PAPER DOLL )

▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬

By the time dessert was concluded, Miri felt drowsy from the entirety of the day and Professor McGonagall's speech about who's-it's and what's-it's made about as much sense as Maths which was to say, not at all. In fact, if it weren't for the prefect that herded all the First Years like sheep, Miri would've happily slept in the Great Hall. As it stood, it was pure habit and the thought of sleeping in anything other than her comfortable PJs that made her rush through her bedtime routine.

Exiting the bathroom, Miri stopped short at the sight of the other girls staring unabashedly at Jamilah, who was standing on her tippy toes hanging something on the side of her bed. She raised her eyebrow at one of the other girls, silent question evident. The girl shook her head.

Taking matters into her own hands, she said, 'Ummm... Jam?' Jamilah hummed in acknowledgment. 'What are you doing?'

'Hanging my dream catchers.'

'Ah.'

Miri put her worn clothes into a plastic bag and laid out her uniform for the next day, all the while absent-mindedly noting that Jamilah was still hanging her objects.

'Is it legal to own that many dream catchers? I don't think it's legal to own that many dream catchers. Where do you even get that many dream catchers?' a redhead wondered, slightly horrified. Miri thought her name had a good chance of being Jane. Or Mary. She had a classic English name vibe.

Finally having enough, the last girl, a blonde girl whose name might've been Diana or Liana or Raina (there was definitely a 'na' in there somewhere, of that she was certain), asked, 'How many do you have?'

'Twenty-five or so.' Jamilah secured a purple dream catcher at the corner of the bed.

'Why?' Maybe-Ariana asked, perplexed.

'Why not?'

Maybe-Hanna opened her mouth but figured that none of her arguments were logical and chose to turn over in her bed instead, grumbling.

Jamilah smiled. Satisfied, she hopped down and strode to the bathroom to change.

'Wake me up at eight?' Miri asked to her friend's retreating back. Jamilah shot her a thumbs up. 'Thanks!'

▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬

There were few things that Miri regretted in her short life - begging for a younger sibling when she was younger and when she broke the car radio three hours into a week-long road trip by shoving a disk into the cd player even though there was already a disk inside, to name a few. 

But none of that could quite compare to when she had tossed herself onto the ginormous four-poster bed her new school provided, mostly because it was so damn comfortable and the temperature of the room was just the right degree of coolness that she entered a mild hibernation. Except her spring came in the form of morning and she was not at all happy to deal with.

'You need to get up!' said Jamilah, shaking her friend's shoulder. 'It's already eight-fifteen and you told me to wake you up at eight!'

'Five more minutes', Miri muttered.

'No!' Jamilah's shakes became more aggressive. 'You said that fifteen minutes ago. It's time to get up!' Her last two words were punctuated by the girl hitting Miri with a pillow.

'Nooooooooo...'

The shakes continued for a few more seconds but stopped abruptly. Though confused, Miri was never one to look a gift horse in the mouth and snuggled into her comforter, smiling. This soon turned into a high pitched shriek when ice-cold water was flung onto her body. She heard a metal clang like someone had dropped something on the floor.

'What,' she spat, 'the hell?!'

Jamilah, hands clutching her ears, ignored the murderous look Miri shot her and smiled. 'Finally. We've got to go. Breakfast ends in half-an-hour and you said you wanted to take a quick shower.'

Miri screeched incoherently at Jamilah, vowing vengeance. Luckily for Jamilah, a hot shower was provided just enough time for Miri to calm down and be put into an agreeable mood, which was ruined when she caught sight of the traitor that had said that there was going to be pancakes in the Great Hall for dinner.

'You lied!' snarled Miri. She lunged at Kenneth but was intercepted by Taliana.

'Not here,' she said, struggling to keep her friend from hurting her other friend, who was cowering behind Jamilah and was absolutely no help at all. 'There are witnesses.'

Miri stopped clawing at thin air and adopted a sugar-sweet smile instead. 'You're right,' she crooned, her innocent demeanor making her just that more terrifying, 'there are. But there will be a time where there won't. And I am very patient.'

Kenneth whimpered while Jamilah took several steps back.

'No, you're not.' Taliana let go of her and began smoothing down her robes. 'You know, you've really got to stop threatening people.'

'Ah, they know I'm joking.' She barred her teeth. 'Right?'

'Look, Miri, we had to get you up and into your uniform somehow,' Kenneth defended. 'And if lying about pancakes was the easiest way to do it, then so be it.'

Miri shot him a look.

'But I'll never do it ever again,' Kenneth added quickly.

Jamilah looked on with concern. 'Is this a regular occurrence?' she asked.

'Miri trying to kill someone? Pretty much.'

'Miri trying to kill you,' Taliana corrected. Taliana was beloved by children and adults alike and whoever went after her had a storm coming their way and Miri would like to not die before getting her first major role, thank you.

She turned to Jamilah. 'I am perfectly safe because she's not stupid enough to go after me and so are you for the next two weeks.'

Jamilah looked at Miri weirdly. 'You have friendship trials?'

'More like those two weeks are used to decide what sort of role you'll play in my life and how close we'll be,' Miri clarified. 'Of course, there are other circumstances that could change your standing, lying about pancakes for one.' 

Kenneth waved.

'No pancakes,' repeated Jamilah. 'Gotcha. Also, I still don't know your names.' She pointed at the non-Slytherins.

'Oh! I'm Taliana Ward,' she smiled, 'and this is Kenneth Murphy.'

'Hi,' he said through a mouth full of food.

'We knew each other from primary school,' said Miri, 'same class and friend group.'

'Oh...' Jamilah paused, chewing, 'that explains why you guys are so close.'

'Yeah. Miri's a parasite and we're all her unwilling victims,' joked Kenneth.

Said parasite smacked him across the shoulder.

'Ow!'

'Miss Cheng,' came a sharp voice, 'we do not resort to violence to solve our problems.'

'Sorry professor.' Miri turned to face her Head of House who was handing out class schedules. Looking over Jamilah's shoulder, Miri grinned when she saw that their schedules were an exact copy. 

'Nice.' They high-fived.

'And what,' spat a familiar voice, 'could possibly be nice about this wretched day.

'Morning, Liam! Sleep well?' Miri made sure to grin extra bright at a decidedly not cheery Liam.

Hey, just because she was in this exact same situation not thirty minutes ago didn't mean that she couldn't laugh at her brother's misfortune.

Liam collapsed and thunked his head on the table. 'I hope you die a very painful death.'

'He hasn't had his coffee yet,' Miri translated to a bewildered Jamilah. 

On her right, Blue-Boy took a seat and began preparing a cup of coffee. She was pleasantly surprised that he knew her brother's preferences for coffee (two lumps of sugar and just a dash of milk). Soon, the 'nectar of the gods' was ready and Blue-Boy fanned the smell with his hands to waft it over to Liam, who raised his head, bleary eyes staring at the heavenly brew. 'Thanks.'

'No problem.' Blue-Boy started on his breakfast, not noticing the stares he was getting from her three friends. Unfortunately, since Miri had oh so conveniently forgotten his name, she couldn't introduce them. Yay memory problems.

So, she settled for the next best thing, the zombie fate had bestowed upon her lap. 'Tal, Ken, you know Liam; Jam, this is Liam, my older brother who should've slept earlier like our mom told him to-'

Liam let out a loud groan.

'-and should have also outgrown his toddler tantrum days by now but here we are. Will, this is Jamilah Rahal, my new friend.'

'I'd say that it's a pleasure to meet you but I can't feel happiness before I've had at least two cups of coffee.' Liam downed the last few drops and slammed his cup onto the table, already looking more alive. Blue-Boy dutifully produced another cup. Miri furrowed her eyebrows and leaned over to check that, yes, they were sitting at the end of the table and there was no possible way for him to have gotten the cup from anywhere. Blue-Boy caught her eye and winked. Miri decided that being better than Liam did not mean that she was the best in the morning and so, this matter was tabled for another day.

Meanwhile, her three friends watched, wide-eyed, as her brother tipped the scalding hot liquid back without flinching. As the last of the coffee disappeared, Liam smiled. 

'Ah,' he said, content. 'Much better.'

Kenneth raised a hand to his throat and let out a sob while Taliana looked as though he had kicked a puppy. Jamilah just stared, whispering, 'I think I'm going to be sick.'

'Jamilah, was it?' Liam turned his smile onto her poor terrified friends. 'And Taliana! How wonderful it is to see you! I saw you yesterday at the ceremony, of course. Shame you weren't sorted into Ravenclaw though. Then I could've welcomed you like Kenneth here. Still, Hufflepuff's a great house! And you've got Teddy here if you need help with anything.'

'You haven't even introduced me yet,' said Teddy. 'Also, I don't think I'm the ideal person to go to for help.'

Liam rolled his eyes. 'Fine, fine. Teddy Lupin, everyone. He's terrible at pretty much everything but that's what he's got me for.'

'Hey! I'll have you know that getting straight As every single year is an art.'

'Whatever you say.' Liam looked thoughtful. 'Although, we'll be studying for our N.E.W.T.s this year so I'm not sure how much time we can actually spare.'

But Miri's brain was still stuck on something Teddy said. 'I'm sorry, As aren't the highest grade here?'

Teddy looked surprised. 'I mean, yeah.'

Miri spun to meet her brother. 'Explain.'

'The system is O-Outstanding, E-Exceeds Expectations, A-Acceptable, P-Poor, D-Dreadful, and T-Troll. In that order.'

Miri stared. 'Why?'

He shrugged. 'They wanted to be dramatic and stand out or something. I don't know.'

Miri tried to wrap her mind around it but it seemed to reject the notion every time she tried. No matter. She'd just get used to it slowly.

'Oh look!' Taliana said to Kenneth, pointing at her schedule. 'We have Charms together for the first period.'

'How strict is the teacher?' he asked the older students.

'Professor Horn?' Teddy asked. The First Years nodded. 'She's really nice but don't you dare mistake her for a pushover or you'll suddenly be doing three weeks of toilet scrubbing with no magic.'

'That is very specific information,' Jamilah noted. 'What exactly did you do?'

To their surprise, the boy's blue hair turned red.

'You're a metamorphmagus!' exclaimed Kenneth. 'I've read that those are really rare.'

'Yes, they are. My mother was one and she passed her ability to me.' Teddy smiled before frowning. 'But how do you know that I'm a-'

'Hair,' Liam coughed very subtly.

Taliana pulled out a mirror and gave it to Teddy, who swore violently. 'I thought I was getting it under control!'

'You were,' Liam reassured. 'But since it's linked to powerful emotions and all...' He smirked.

Cheeks as red as his hair, he let out an embarrassed 'Ah' and closed his eyes. Soon, the firetruck red turned back to its original blue. He checked in the mirror. 'Much better.'

'What about the other teachers?' asked Jamilah, pulling them back to their original topic.

'Longbottom's a tattletale,' Teddy said immediately, scowling.

Liam rolled his eyes. 'Just because he tells Ginny whenever you get detention does not mean that he's a tattletale.'

'Is too,' he countered. 'There's being best friends with my mother figure, and there's gossiping. And then there's writing to her about whether I'm eating a healthy breakfast with a balanced diet or not.' At this, he waved sarcastically at Professor Longbottom who was, indeed, spying on them from the teacher's table. The teacher whipped his head to the other side, caught.

Miri and her friends snickered.

'So he cares about your health. Big deal. You'll only have to endure it for one more year-'

'One more year till freedom!' Tedy punched the air in victory.

'One more year of exams.'

Teddy shrugged. 'Still only one year.'

'Next teacher,' Taliana interrupted.

'I'll only tell you the immediate ones that you need to know, okay? No use in overwhelming the brain on the first day.' Liam hummed, scanning the teacher's table. 'Longbottom's Herbology, by the way. And Professor Horn is Charms, obviously. Umm...'

His eyes landed on a Japanese man. 'Oh! Professor Ichikawa teaches Transfiguration. He's a bit strict but he really does care. Don't let his 'I will kill you if you do something wrong' vibe scare you away. He's really a big softie. Professor Binns is dead and, no, I'm not exaggerating. He's an acetal ghost. Rumour has it that he fell asleep in his office and died but he didn't care so he's still here a few hundred years later, torturing students with his mindless droning tone.'

Kenneth snorted but Miri couldn't help but feel sorry for the poor man. 

'Professor Stacy teaches Potions and honestly, I can't imagine a more perfect job for her,' Teddy continued. 'She's always so bubbly and it just brightens up the dank dungeon by a lot. And Professor Creevey teaches Defense Against the Dark Arts. Or, you know, DADA because we're not masochists. He's honestly really good but he only came like two? Three?' He looked to Liam for confirmation.

'Two.'

'Two years ago. He's also the supervising teacher for our school newspaper - The Creevey Daily.'

Kenneth raised an eyebrow. 'He named a newspaper after himself?'

'After his brother,' Liam corrected. 'He died while the professor was still in school and Professor Creevey founded the newspaper to honor him. He said that his brother liked to take pictures and the professor would come up with a backstory for each of them.'

A blanket of silence fell upon the group and they all looked at the young, smiling professor.

'He looks so young,' said Jamilah quietly. 'He didn't deserve to go through losing a sibling.'

'No one does,' Miri agreed.

Unfortunately, classes didn't wait for anyone and all the food disappeared from the tables, indicating that classes would start soon. 

Taliana stood up, Kenneth mimicking her. 'Could you tell me where the Charms classroom is?'

Liam caught Teddy's eye before flicking them down to Miri's figure. 

'Sure!' said Teddy. 'In fact, I'm going in that direction myself. I'll walk you two.'

As the three left the Great Hall, Liam turned an apologetic smile onto Jamilah. 'Would you mind terribly if I stole my sister away for a while? I just need to tell her something. Won't take a minute.'

'Of course! I'll just wait by the doors.' Jamilah secured her books and left.

'Now what do you have to tell me that is so important that you had to shoo away all my friends?' joked Miri. When Liam didn't laugh, she studied him carefully and found to her surprise that he was being completely serious.

'You'll have to work hard, Miri,' said Liam. 'Your friends will have a bit advantage since they grew up with some of the terms they'll use here but you're a muggle-born. You'll have to do extra revision and pay attention in all the classes. Except for history since I've yet to meet a single person that can stay awake through Professor Binns' boring voice, but that just means that you'll have to do your own research on the subject.'

Miri hid a grimace.

'Just,' he looked into her eyes, conveying how significant he viewed his question to be, 'promise me that you'll try your best?'

'I will, Will.' They both snorted.

'Good. That's all I'm asking for.'

'But I'm sure it'll be fine,' Miri said, nonchalant. 'Besides, how hard could it possibly be?'

▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬

'I want to dieeeee...'

Liam raised an eyebrow. 'Weren't you the one that said it wouldn't be that hard?'

Miri groaned at the reminder. 'That was last week, Will, practically a lifetime of lost innocence ago. When I agreed to pursue magical schooling you didn't tell me how much it would kick my ass. Did you know, I actually blew up all the matches in Transfiguration class? All of them, Liam. Even the ones in the box!'

Her brother nodded. 'Right, right, right. You suck, I get it. Why are you on the floor?'

Indeed, Miri had been sprawled across the cold floor under the Slytherin table in the Great Hall for nearly eighteen minutes and counting. After multiple failed attempts of prying her off the floor, her friends finally recruited a newly arrived Liam, who just wanted to have his coffee in peace. (Though, he wouldn't object to a brand new camera.)

Miri stared absentmindedly at the numerous cravings the wooden table had acquired over the years. After some time had passed, Liam thought that she didn't register the question. 'Why-'

'I am one with the floor now. The floor is me,' she interrupted. 'The floor doesn't need to worry about things like getting the pronunciation of a dead language correct to turn a match into a needle that actually needs to be silver and sharp like literally if I needed one I would just ask my friends, professor.' 

The way she said the title left no illusion in Liam's mind just exactly what she thought of Professor Tatsuo Ichikawa.

'Honestly, if I actually manage to turn it the first thing I'll do is stab myself to put me out of my misery.' At the end of her tirade, Miri's expression became serene once more. 'I am one with the floor.'

From over his shoulder, Teddy and Jamilah shared a concerned look whilst Kenneth and Taliana continued eating, the two being far too used to his sister's antics by now. Liam rubbed his temples and sighed, a headache forming even though it was hardly ten in the morning. 

Coffee. He needed more coffee.

Luckily, Teddy knew him too well and procure a cup of coffee out of nowhere. Liam took a grateful sip. 

'Okay.' He let out another sigh. 'Right. This is what's going to happen. You are going to ask Professor Ichikawa to help you with the spell. You are also going to get off the floor right now because Māhmá might actually kill me if I let you catch a cold on your first week while I did nothing.'

Miri continued staring. 'Mom wouldn't kill you for anything and I won't catch a cold.'

'You're still getting up.'

'No.'

'Now, Miri.'

'Mǒi.'

Liam narrowed his eyes at Miri's switch to Cantonese. This... this wasn't going to end well. he just wasn't sure if it would be him or her walking away in defeat.

Alright then. Two can play that game.

'Léi 'mm kěi shióng lèi ge wá, ngo hiéw tòhng Máhmǎ góng g'ěi.'

Miri sat up abruptly, knocking into the table and making all the dishes on the table jump. 'OW!' She rubbed her forehead. 'You wouldn't.'

'Not if you just do as I say and stand up right now, no,' he agreed. 'I still haven't sent her the check-in letter yet and, really, how hard would it be to add in a few lines about how you're behaving at school. I'm sure Mom would just love that.'

The siblings glared at each other. Miri's eyes searched him, trying to find a chink in his armor. Suddenly, it landed on his near-full coffee cup.

'You haven't had your coffee yet,' she noted with surprise.

Irritated, he asked, 'And whose fault is that?' 

Miri thought about it and groaned. 'Fine, fine. Pull me up.'

Triumphant, he set his cup on the table and hauled his sister out from under the table before pulling her up to prevent her from getting another injury to the head. 

'Thanks. What did I miss?' Miri began shoveling pancakes onto her plate.

'Nothing much.' Kenneth shrugged. 'You're lucky you chose a Sunday to have your breakdown.'

'It was a strategic choice but also I regret choosing this over sleep.'

'Yeah, me too,' Liam grumbled, taking a sip. 'Couldn't you have waited till dinner? Or at least lunch? Or any time after I've had at least two cups of coffee?'

'What's done is done and I'm never going back.'

'The past is in the paaaassst,' Kenneth interrupted, singing very much off-key.

Miri pointed at Kenneth. 'Yeah, that. Also, I hate you.'

'Love you too.'

'That makes one of us,' Liam muttered.

Miri laughed.

And it was entirely in the realm of possibility that the conversation would've continued if orange juice hadn't suddenly appeared out of thin air and poured itself all over Miri. Cue screaming and covering of sensitive ears.

'What the-' Miri looked up and caught of glimpse of metal before she felt pain exploding on her forehead. Crumbling to the floor, she vaguely registered screaming and someone yelling for Miss Edgecombe, the school matron. It wasn't until she smelled the metallic tang of blood that she understood what happened.

'Where's the idiot that dropped a metal bucket on my head?!' she demanded.

As chaotic as the hall was, Miri really wasn't expecting an answer. But when hysterical laughter reached her ears, along with the panicked ramblings of, 'Shitshitshitshitshit Mom's gonna kill me! Wait no this isn't the big problem here are you alright?!? Do you need a Healer? I can get a Healer! I can get you the best Healer money can buy as long as you're not dead. You're not dead, are you?'

'James!' growled Teddy. 'What is going on here?'

'I don't know!' the panicked tone still evident in the boy's voice, though it was more subdued when he saw that she was sitting up. 'I was just doing the levitating charm like you taught me but something went wrong! I lost my concentration or something. It was just supposed to be a harmless prank, I swear!'

'Well, your 'harmless' prank just included a metal bucket ricocheting off my head on a Sunday morning so congratulations,' Miri snapped. 'Besides, pranks are supposed to be fun. Not involve bodily harm and potentially permanent damage to my brain, you... you...' She struggled to come up with an insult that wouldn't downplay just exactly what she thought of him.

'Wazzock,' Jamilah supplied.

'You wazzock!' Miri relished at how the harsh syllables enabled her to spit them out in fury. Then the word fully registered in her mind and she could see that she wasn't the only one confused, for the newly christened 'wazzock' also had no idea what the word Miri had just thrown in his face meant.

Miri curled her finger, silently asking Jamilah to come closer. 'And what,' she whispered, 'did that word mean, exactly?'

'A really stupid or annoying person.'

Miri glanced at the boy in front of her who was wringing his hands with anxiety. She nodded. 'Yeah that fits.'

The boy looked offended but before he could defend himself, Miri continued in a loud voice. 'Why target only one person? And what if that bucket had knocked me unconscious? What would've happened then? Why'd you use a spell you haven't even learned in class yet anyway? Honestly, if I were the one planning the prank, I would've accounted for everything and made sure no one got hurt.'

'Well, why don't you!' he said, finally getting a word in. 'Pranking is harder than it looks, alright? You have to account for the timing and supplies and all that stuff. You don't get to tell me what I did wrong if you're not even in the pranking business.'

'I don't need to be in the pranking business to have some common sense! Dangling a metal bucket with a spell that you haven't mastered yet practically spells the word 'disaster' in capital letters! Use a rope, for God's sake.'

The boy had the imprudence to sneer at her. 'And hang it where? The non-existent rafters on the ceiling? Oh, wait.'

'Then don't do it in the Great Hall! Find somewhere you can tie a rope onto. And haven't you ever heard of plastic buckets? I don't particularly want to find out how being hit in the head with one feels like but it would've been a preferable alternative to a freaking metal bucket!'

'Students!' boomed a voice.

'What!' Finally breaking her gaze from the idiot, she noticed that they had attracted a crowd and that Professor Ichikawa was looking very irritated. She shrunk back from his glare and noticed the boy doing the same.

'Mister Cheng,' he addressed Liam, 'you are going to take your sister straight to the Hospital Wing to get her head checked. No detours.'

'Of course, professor.'

He turned his cool eyes onto the wazzock. 'Mister Potter will be coming with me.'

'Yes, sir.' The two of them bowed their heads before separating, Miri following Liam; Potty boy trailing after the professor. Just before parting ways in the hall, Miri shot one last glare at the wazzock. It was only then that Miri noticed the guilt that plagued his eyes, which disappeared as soon as he caught her, a hard stare in its place. 

'Wazzock,' she hissed

'Buckethead,' he taunted.

Miri gasped, speechless at the sheer audacity he displayed. Well! He was going to get what's coming to him, that's for certain.

▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬

a/n

i don't think you guys can even come close
to guessing the exact number of times I had
to refrain myself from making the characters say fuck.
like literally I had to keep reminding myself
that the typical eleven year olds will not swear
in front of their older siblings and
vice versa.

also, i'm going to start sprinkling cantonese phrases
here and there because the cheng's grandmother
taught them when they were younger and
sometimes they fall back on it if they feel
particularly annoyed or want to have a private
conversation. it's only basic phrases though.
(btw I'm translating them by myself and let's
just say that i am desperate for a legitimate translator.)

bonus:

(dear jamesikins,

please learn how to prank better.

sincerely, 

an author who had the full intention of 
writing them as the ultimate brotp i really have
no idea wtf happened along the way.)