"I never thought I can find such beauty in a place. The moist grass against my bare feet, the whistle of the trees—it was beautiful. Even more so because he was with me and he was holding my hand in his."

- From Corazon's Diary

Father Guevarra was as old as my grandmother, maybe older. Was he the man who gave his shoulders for my grandmother to cry on when Antonio left?

He walked and talked like he had all the time in the world but whenever he opened his mouth, everyone was not sleeping. Everyone had their attention focused on him. He shared with us his own time with my grandmother, how she used to visit him in church and talk about almost everything.

"I know everything about Corazon but I'm sorry to say that I am not allowed to tell you all. What I can share with you though is how she changed the way I see things. I know it should have been the opposite. Corazon, or Cora as what most of us call her, had a life that most of us may find not so dramatic but let me tell you, my dear brothers and sisters, that Cora lived a life that was full of love..." as he said the last word, Father Guevarra's eyes darted toward me.

I wasn't sure if he meant anything by it.

"When she was feeling down, she would always say that the Lord would understand even if others couldn't. She was a happy woman and we all love her greatly for pouring all the love she had in her heart in every word and action that she said and did..."

As Father Guevarra continued his words, I couldn't help but feel that same feeling of longing. I was not among those who nodded their heads in agreement because I never knew her.

🌳🌳🌳

"When I was young, my mother told me stories," I said, looking up from my tab to stare at the crowd of mourners who gathered for my grandmother's funeral. "She told me stories of a great woman who I soon learned was my grandmother. Unluckily for me, I never had the chance to meet her for reasons I am no longer interested to find out. I have thought for a long time that Wawa didn't care for me until I found out days ago that she actually constantly talked to my Yaya, asking how I was doing. I don't know why the two of them had to keep it a secret, but I want to believe it was her way of reaching out to her only grandchild."

I took a few moments to breathe before I continued.

"Today, to be surrounded by people who knew her more than I, makes me feel a great deal of regret, jealousy and longing." I didn't look at anyone in particular as I roamed my eyes at everyone before me. "Regret that it is too late, that I thought I still had a lot of time to take the courage to reach out to her. Passing thoughts would come to me. Should I reach out now? Nah, it's late. Perhaps tomorrow, or the next day... next month? Oh, I'm so busy, maybe next year." I smiled bitterly and sighed.

I cleared my throat and continued. "Jealous. I'm jealous of all of you because I never felt her love like you all did. Was it warm? Tender? Every little good things combined? I would never know, would I?" I saw a few wipe their eyes. I bit my lower lip from doing the same. "And I long. I long for even just a little of that love."

My voice cracked at the last word and I swallowed to compose myself.

I was about to end my speech. I could hang in there for a few more seconds.

But the impetuous me did something that changed everything.

At the last moment, I closed my tab and delivered something fresh from my mind. I was no longer in full control of my words. After everything I have read from my grandmother's diary and the more I was yet to read, after all the things that everyone said about her, after my very own speech, I wanted to do the only idea that had been running around my mind since yesterday. It was just a tiny thought lurking in the corner of my mind and I never bothered to entertain it until this very moment.

With my mind made up, I continued, "All may be too late for my Wawa and I—too late for the us. We can never do things together. But as someone said the other night, even when two people have never met, it doesn't mean they don't have a story together." I saw Erik smile from where he was seated. I sighed. "I believe it's not too late for me."

With no more lines to read but my own made-up mind to control me, I added, "Just two nights ago, I found two things of my grandmother's that gave me just a little hint of what she really was, from her own self. From them, I learned about a part of her life that not even my mother knew and I don't intend to stop there." I smiled. "As Wawa said, 'I laughed, I cried, I fought, I loved...and now I surrender...' I promise to start a journey of discovering the reasons for her laughter, her tears, her battle, her love and her submission. Wawa..." I looked at her picture beside her closed coffin. "I hope to get to know you soon."

🌳🌳🌳

My decision was final and my father didn't like it. I talked to him right after the funeral where I grabbed him and we walked to the back of the chapel. He never thought that I would take my eulogy seriously.

I finally convinced him to respect my decision after I promised that I would call every day and tell him I was not dead.

"I need to do this, Dad," I told him. "I need to understand her, you know? Is she really the evil queen that drove you and Mom away? Is she the woman her students look up to and adore? Is the great friend everyone in the funeral talked about? Mom loved her until her last days and I never understood that. How could she love someone so... so distant and proud?"

My father sighed in surrender. I knew that deep inside, he agreed with me. And I knew he was doing it for my mother as well. That was what she would have wanted after all.

After I left Dad with the other visitors, I looked for Erik. Now it was time for us to make that deal. I found him talking to Rock. They were deep in conversation as they held their food with one hand. Slowly, I made my way across the room where the dinner was being held. My black pumps clicked on the tiled floor, stopping just about a meter away from them.

I cleared my throat and both of them turned their heads toward me.

"Stephanie," Rock said with a smile. She was wearing a sleeveless, white dress that stopped just above her knee. I didn't know that apart from being really pretty, she was also sexy. I wouldn't blame Erik for always finding his way to her. "Your eulogy was touching. It was different and original and that's what made it so touching."

I gave her a small smile. "Thanks." My eyes went to Erik who was wearing a white polo shirt that perfectly fitted him. There was enough evidence of muscles, but not enough to content one's curiosity either. I didn't know why I even wondered about that for a second. He had on a pair of denim pants and his hiking shoes which reminded me that he was not my type. "I need to talk to you," I told him. I turned back to Rock and added, "If that's okay with you, of course."

She shook her head and smiled widely. "Don't worry. I was actually thinking of a way to get away from this guy." She playfully planted her hand on Erik's arm as she backed away with a wink.

Erik just laughed her off before he finally faced me with a questioning look. "Are you ready to ask for my help?"

I frowned. "No, I'm ready to hire your help."

"What do you mean?"

"I want to hire you as my driver."

His brows raised a notch higher. "I thought I already was." His tone was mocking, which was confusing.

"No, I mean officially." I rolled my eyes. "Well, for the next few days."

Then his brows fell in confusion. "Aren't you going home tomorrow?"

"No, I'm not. I'm going to stay for a while."

"I thought you don't like me."

"You're a good driver. You know Negros well. All you have to do is drive—and perhaps keep me safe when it's needed. And it's not your job to get me to like you."

"Does this have anything to do with your 'I hope to get to know you soon' speech?"

"Sort of," I retorted with a shrug. "So?"

"How will you pay me?"

"I'll pay you handsomely."

He pretended to think. "I'll have to think about it."

"I thought you were ready to say yes?" I asked in frustration. If he didn't take my offer, I had no one else in mind to hire for the position and I didn't trust myself driving around places I didn't know.

"I was—yesterday. Now, I don't know. I may have a lot of things to do."

"Such as?"

He shrugged. "Stuff."

I snorted. "You don't have any other work."

He chuckled before he sighed. He shrugged again. "I'll consider your offer."

"When will you give me your answer?"

"Later," he said, winked and turned away just like that.

The nerve of the guy!

🌳🌳🌳

For a few hours, I had to forget about Erik's possible refusal. I had to attend to the guests and then I had to take my father to the airport the next day.

Yaya Sana went with me as I drove us to the airport. Erik was not able to do the job because he was still asleep in his room and no one even bothered waking him up, saying he was tired. I wanted to yell at everyone that they were giving the driver way too much leeway.

"Yaya, are you willing to stay with me for a while as I go about my business here?" I asked her, thinking of an alternative plan. Dad was checking in and both of us were waiting for him outside in a coffee shop.

"I thought you are planning to travel around Negros?"

Last night, I told her of my very vague plan. "Well, not the entire Negros. I won't have the time for that. I just have a few places in mind and I don't have anyone to show me the way. I don't know the province that well."

The way Yaya Sana looked at me made my shoulders drop. She couldn't stay. "I left my wards in the care of their mother who took a vacation to look after them full time as I grieve for your Wawa. I have to go back to them, dear."

I smiled. "That's okay. I can find someone else."

"I'm sure Erik will be willing to accompany you." She sipped her cup of coffee and grimaced at the taste. "I like the native coffee in Burgos market better."

Chuckling at her last remark, I went back to the subject of Erik. "I already asked him. I said I am willing to pay for his services."

Yaya Sana looked shocked. "For his services?"

I nodded. "I asked him to be my driver."

"But I thought you're only looking for someone to be your travel companion."

"Isn't it his job to get behind the wheel? I won't pay someone just to be comfortable in the passenger seat when he can do the actual driving." I crossed my leg over the other.

Yaya Sana looked at me with amusement. "What did Erik say?"

"He said he'll think about it. Can you imagine that?" I asked in disbelief.

"And what did you offer him as payment?"

"Money, of course. I told him I'll pay him good."

My former nanny waved her hand. "Don't worry, he'll say yes. And when he does, my mind will be at ease. I—"

"Yeah, yeah, I know. You trust him with your life."

Dad went back to catch another cup of coffee before boarding and for the last time, he asked me to go back home with him.

"Dad, I'll be home soon. Don't worry, once my curiosity is satisfied, I'll be back. And plus, I need a vacation. You always said so."

"I don't really like this idea of you going around the province alone."

"Don't worry, I'll be with Erik." It was a lie of course. I was not sure if the guy would say yes.

Slowly, he nodded. "That's good to know."

That's good to know? Did I just hear my father, the one man in my life who couldn't and wouldn't trust another when it came to his daughter's welfare, say that it was good I would be with someone he barely even knew?

🌳🌳🌳

Yaya Sana and I drove back to Bacolod and to my grandparents' ancestral home after my father's plane flew to Manila. When we got there and after I parked the van that used to belong to my grandmother, we found out that Erik had left.

"What? Where?" I asked Manang June.

She shrugged. "He left with a backpack. He said he'll be gone for a couple of days."

I turned around in frustration. "Why didn't he tell me?"

Yaya Sana touched my arm and said in a soothing voice, "Now, calm down, child. I'm sure he'll be back."

"Does he always do this?"

"I'm sure he has a good reason," my former nanny replied. "You must be tired. I'll prepare lunch."

"I already did. Erik asked to have an early meal before he left," Manang June interrupted.

"The balls!" I cried out in frustration. "Someone should start taming that man!" I looked at the distant black pick-up truck parked in the darkness. "At least he didn't take the truck. One would think it was his!"

The two ladies looked at each other with confusion. "Steph—" Yaya Sana started, but I held up my hand.

"Fine, fine. He is like family. He grew up around Wawa. He is entitled to everything." I stormed into the house without another word. Well, if they didn't understand my frustration, it was not my problem.

My problem came later that night when Erik was still missing and Yaya Sana told me she had to go back to her wards early in the morning. I spent the night thinking of a way to do the task I had set up for myself alone, without a driver to guide me. If Erik wouldn't show up, I had to come up with a plan B.

I woke up the next day to bid Yaya Sana goodbye.

"I hate leaving you this way. Are you sure you're going to be okay?" She was looking at me with great concern.

I nodded, but at the same time I wanted to beg her to stay. Now that she was leaving, I was regretting my decision. But I was being selfish. I knew Yaya Sana had a life of her own and I wouldn't want her worried for her wards. She had to go on her way and so did I.

"You have my number in case you really need me," she reminded as she grabbed her bags, ready to leave.

I hugged her tight. "I'll see you before I go back to Manila."

She touched my face with her calloused hand and said, "Okay. Take care of yourself."

🌳🌳🌳

The moment she was gone, I attacked my breakfast, ready for battle. I asked Manang June for directions to the closest bookstore. I found it after making three wrong turns, one of them into a one-way street.

Don't think I didn't ask Manang June to be my guide for my planned trip because I did and she refused, saying she couldn't leave the home unattended. Yeah, like she had to prepare food for ghosts.

The future of the estate was to be determined by my father and I once I return to Manila. Maybe that was the reason why Erik left. For all I knew, he was already looking for a new permanent work. I wouldn't blame him.

My grandmother's attorney said he would meet me when all was set. He could take all the time he needed. Since no other family member showed up to do the work, I took it my responsibility to make sure that the house would not crumble to the ground due to lack of maintenance until we figured out what to do with it.

When I entered the small bookstore which smelled of old, drafty pages, I went straight to the counter and asked in Tagalog, "Do you have a big map of Negros?"

The girl behind the counter put down the book she was reading. I stole a glance of the cover and shrugged. It was a historical romance, the type which has a woman barely covered in cloth hugging a man who only has his trousers on, nuzzling her neck. I fought off a cringe and followed the lady to the farthest corner of the store.

"Occidental or Oriental?" she asked

"Both," I answered.

"We have separate maps for both and one with the two provinces."

"I'll get the one map with the two provinces."

She went down to get what I was looking for and handed it to me. Contented, I went to the school supplies section. I took what I thought I needed which were a marking pen, a pencil and a plain notebook. As the lady punched my purchases, I took a book on display in my hand. It was a book on Negros Occidental and Oriental, primarily written for tourists.

"I'll take this, too," I said with a smile.

After I paid, I put my sunglasses back on and walked out the store. I felt like one of those women in action films who was about to go to battle.

🌳🌳🌳

When I arrived for lunch, I was very ready. Being alone gave me the motivation to take my plans into action.

Manang June already prepared my lunch and after a hurried meal, I went straight up to my mother's old room and sat cross-legged on the floor, the large map laid out before me. I took the marker out of the paper bag along with the pencil and the notebook. My grandmother's dairy was inside my bag so I took that one out as well.

I listed down every place she mentioned and marked each one on the map.

"Wow," I breathed out. "You've been in a lot of places, Wawa."

To one side of the map, there was Kabankalan, Hinigaran, Bago, Sipalay and Dumaguete. At the other end was Silay, Escalante, San Carlos, Manapla... and more!

How do I manage to get to all these places?

I didn't know where to start. Where should I?

First, what's your purpose here?

Fuck. I didn't know what I wanted to achieve here. I just thought I needed to do this.

Follow where the diary leads you, dimwit.

But if I did that, I would be going back and forth in a lot of places and that would be a great waste of time.

When I couldn't make up my mind, I decided to take a break and continued to read the diary. Of course, there were no more exciting things to read since there was no Antonio in the picture. What I found out though was how my grandmother tried to forget about the first love of her life with the help of his best friend, Ramon.

I was about to close the book that held my grandmother's innermost thoughts when I saw Antonio's name. After almost a year of entry has passed since my grandmother mentioned him.

December 23, 1955

He sent me a letter.

Antonio sent me a letter. Everything is going well with Ramon and I love him dearly.

But I must admit that the love I have for Antonio is still there. I cannot get myself to read the letter. I didn't tell Ramon about it because I don't want him to worry. Antonio has chosen a different path, one that would save his family. If only he had chosen me.

That entry was disappointing, but I continued to read the next one.

January 5, 1956

I read the letter and I'm angry. He talked about visiting our tree where he buried the chest where our letters are kept. He referred to it as our 'time capsule'. I regret ever reading the letter because I am now aware that he still thinks about us every day.

Why did he send me that letter? I don't want anything to hold me back from my decision of marrying Ramon.

I want to love Ramon like I do Antonio. I desperately want to give him the same love he is giving me. If only I can forget about the other man.

After I read the entry, I didn't know what to feel. Did my grandmother marry my grandfather while loving someone else?

February 9, 1956

I finally decided not to answer Antonio's letter. I'm marrying Ramon and my parents are happy about it. They said that it is time for me to be with someone else. Ramon asked if I want to invite Antonio to our wedding.

He's a really good man despite his mean features. He did not question me when I said no.

The next time I face and talk to Antonio, it will be on the day that we promised to open the letters we wrote for each other. And when that time comes, I will be a happy woman.

I will already have my own children and grandchildren. I will be someone who loved a man named Antonio and a woman who managed to survive with the help of a great man.

Why couldn't she just fight for their love? Why did she have to continue hurting? My answers were answered by the next entry.

February 27, 1956

I fought as hard as I could, diary. I fought for my own happiness without Antonio in it. Maybe I will regret not fighting hard enough for our love in the future, but I don't care. I can still bring happiness to those around me and, in its own way, it's satisfying. I'll make Ramon happy for the rest of our lives together and not think about Antonio for the next fifty-eight years until we meet again underneath that tree, both of us wise to our years.

By then, I know that we will find our letters stupid. For now, I say goodbye to the man whom I will forever love, a love that I now admit can never be erased, for it shall always have its mark in the memories I hold in my heart.

When I had enough of reading, I stood up and walked to the doors. When I opened them, I saw Erik standing just a foot away, his fist in the air as if he was just about to knock.

"Hi," he said with a big smile on his face.