Disclaimer: Fullmetal Alchemist is the property of Hiromu Arakawa. In addition, any views expressed in this story concerning certain types of fan fictions and/or any specific story do not necessarily reflect my views/opinions on said subjects.

Agent 31011 Monthly Report:

Third Wall is a success. No Fourth Wall breaches to report. However, it seems that the air conditioning has broken. I would at least like a fan, please.

Sending his report, Agent 31011 picked up his makeshift paper fan and turned his attention back to the monitors. 'I wonder how they'll handle the conditions...'

"UGHHH it's so hooooot," Ed groaned as he entered. "This is horrible!"

"I'm sure it's not that hot," Al scolded.

"It feels like a desert in here!" Ed wailed.

Roy raised an eyebrow at Ed. "You've spent in time in a desert before, Fullmetal, and you very well know that it is much hotter in a desert."

"It's pretty darn close," Ed grumbled. "It's almost as bad as that one fic where we almost died from dehydration!"

Roy rolled his eyes. "Except that you do not have concussion, we aren't being chased by Cretans who want to sell us to Drachma, and, oh, I don't know-how about the fact that there is water right there." He pointed to the water cooler on the right wall.

Ed glared at Roy as Al sighed and shook his head. "That was a pretty bad one though."

"No kidding!" Ed retrieved a cup of water and downed it in one gulp. "We were in the desert the entire freakin' time. And then I started hallucinating!"

"At least it was written well," Roy pointed out. "It could have been worse."

"Adventure fics are really hit-or-miss," Al commented. "Though actually...all fics are like that."

"Yeah," Ed said mournfully. "You either get the not-so-bad ones that are random adventures, or...the OC fics..."

Roy snickered. "The OC fics-that usually end with the OC falling in love with you."

"Don't remind me!" Ed groaned. "It doesn't even make sense! Why would I fall in love with some random girl that literally fell out of the sky?"

"Not all of them are like that," Al said. "Some of them are really funny. Like that one where you switched bodies-"

"You're only saying that because you didn't have to deal with it!" Ed interrupted. "And it was not funny!"

"I don't know, Fullmetal." Roy smirked. "I thought it was fairly amusing."

"Jerks," Ed grumbled. "You wouldn't be saying that if it was you who had to be in all those stories."

"Struggles of being the main character," Roy mocked. "You have to deal with all the OCs."

"I hate those stupid OC stories!" Ed yelled. "They make no sense, and they all have the same plot! 'Real world girl somehow gets thrown into our world, where she somehow ends up meeting me, we start off hating each other, and then for some inexplicable reason, we end up falling in love! It's ridiculous!"

"Not all of them are like that," Al reasoned. "She doesn't always fall in love with you."

"Yeah, but the rest of it is the same," Ed said, still glaring at no one in particular. "And there is always one OC who is the 'sassy, confident character' that smarts off to everybody and somehow never ends up with a broken nose."

Al sighed. "Except for that one time when you snapped and went off-story."

Ed grinned. "That was incredible for stress relief. You should try it some time."

Roy frowned. "You messed up the whole story, Fullmetal! It took the agent hours to fix it!"

"I wish he hadn't," Ed complained. "That OC deserved a punch in the face."

Agent 31011 glared at the screen. That particular break had been a real pain; he'd even had to call in backup! The OC was rather annoying, but still! It was a major breach in conduct!

"Brother," Al scolded. "You shouldn't punch any girl in the face, no matter how annoying she is."

"What about Lust?" Ed asked. "Can't I punch her in the face?"

"That's different," Roy said. "Didn't your mother ever teach you manners?"

"Winry hits me all the time!" Ed protested. "Equality of the sexes!"

"How about you just don't punch anyone in the face unless they absolutely, one-hundred percent deserve it?" Roy said with a sigh. Ed looked over at Roy with a smirk. "Don't even think about it, Fullmetal."

"Can I punch the Mary-Sues?" Ed asked hopefully.

"Do you really want another incident like last time?" Al reminded him. "The agent lectured you for half an hour!"

"Worth it," Ed grumbled. "And that agent needed to calm down! He got it fixed and everything, it wasn't that big of a deal."

Agent 31011 glared again. It was a big deal, and it had taken valuable time out of his day to fix it! Characters could be so inconsiderate sometimes.

"As bad as the OC stories are," Roy said, "some of the fics in the adventure genre are...tolerable, at least."

The door swung open, admitting Jean Havoc and Riza Hawkeye.

"Man is it hot in here!" Jean exclaimed, flopping down on a couch. "Hey, were you guys talking about adventure genre fics?"

Al nodded. "The colonel was just saying that not all of them are so bad, but I don't think that Brother agrees."

"I don't blame you," Riza said to Ed. "After all, the most popular adventure fic is one of those stories." Ed and Roy paled slightly.

"Is it really?" Jean asked. "How did that happen?"

"Well, it has an interesting storyline," Al offered.

"Al?!" Ed cried in dismay. "How could you say something like that?!"

"That's not what I meant, Brother," Al said. "I was only offering a possible explanation for why it's so popular."

"Let's talk about something else," Roy hurriedly suggested.

"Like all the Royai fics?" Jean asked with a smirk. Riza and Roy glared at him, and Riza's hand drifted towards her sidearm. "Calm down," Jean said, waving his hand dismissively. "There's no need to get so worked up."

"Yeah," Ed said. "We all know that you love the well written ones."

"Yeah," Roy countered, "And we all know that you love the Edwin fics, right?"

"Hey, shut up!" Ed yelled, blushing. "Those aren't even usually in the adventure genre!"

"What does that have to do with anything?" Jean asked with a smirk. "Sounds like you're just in denial."

"How could I even be in denial?" Ed protested. "I ask her to marry me! Our relationship is canon, unlike some others that I could name."

"I thought we were talking about adventure fics," Al said. "How did we get to romance?"

Jean shrugged. "Don't ask me."

"Whatever." Ed tossed his empty water cup into the trashcan and headed towards the door. "I'm outa here. C'mon, Al."

Al stood up and headed after his brother. "Bye!" He waved over his shoulder as he exited.

Agent 31011 watched them go suspiciously. 'He seemed really sincere when I lectured him after that one time, but apparently he wasn't. He'd better not pull anything like that again.' The agent fanned himself more vigorously. 'I should probably let them know I'm watching...but where's the fun in that?'