I'd left Faulkner the day I turned eighteen.

I'd finally aged out of the system and was given a course on how to survive alone and packed my one bag and left.

I didn't have much.

After my mother's funeral, I'd never gone back to the house. When the police came, finding me and Dallas huddled in the hallway together after I'd discovered my mother's body, they took us out of the house and sat us in the back of an SUV. I couldn't stop crying. I couldn't stop seeing the blood splattered all over the walls and into the closet.

Her paintings were all stacked up inside that closet and I'd seen the streaks of blood running down her once beautiful canvases.

"You know what this means now, don't you?" Dallas had whispered, holding me under his arm. "They are gonna try to place us with someone else."

"What do you mean?" My world was already tugged apart, seeing my father's face plastered onto every magazine and every newscast. The reporters were always near by, waiting for us to leave the property so that they could steal photographs of us. At least I'd had mom though. She was supposed to help hold us together through this.

I'd tightened my eyes against the image of her, laid out on the bed with half of her face just gone. Her beautiful face was mangled and shattered, nothing but bits of blown away flesh.

It was in the back of that SUV while clinging to my brother, the only thing I had left, when he'd told me he couldn't do it.

"Our only options are Ruth or they'll stuck us with random people." He'd said. "I'm not going to live with that woman. Not in that house." He'd seethed. "And I don't want to get put into someone else's house while they pocket money of the government to keep me like I'm some homeless dog."

"What are you saying?" I'd asked him but I already knew. I knew he was almost eighteen. And I knew he couldn't wait here for me.

He was going to leave me just like everyone else.

I'd wanted so badly to beg him to stay, for me, just to wait it out a little while longer and then we could disappear together. But we both knew I would never fit into his plan.

Papers were signed, rights were revoked, and I'd gone into a foster home. They weren't bad people. They gave me space and bought me clothes when I'd refused to go back to my home to get any of my stuff. They'd done their best. They tried to help.

I was just beyond helping.

I was a child who at that young age had already seen so much of the dark underside of this life. I'd already been exposed to too much. I'd never find my salvation there.

I didn't form any attachments to them and didn't tell them when I decided to leave. Like so many had done to me, I just disappeared.

I'd been shooting for Seattle, but only made it as far as a small college town in Washington.

Despite what I'd told Dallas, I didn't have a plan. I was supposed to go south, but I was too afraid. Too scared of the world to truly go somewhere that seemed so different.

Instead I got off the bus and walked into town, looking for a job.

I'd never worked before, but I knew it was the first logical thing to do. I'd need money and a car and somewhere to sleep.

I'd walked up and down the streets of the city, ducking into any and every establishment that I could find with no luck. I'd thought a town bustling with college aged kids would be a good place to find work, but literally everything already seemed to be taken by the students here trying to work off their own expenses.

I'd felt defeated, like I was already failing and it was my first day.

I'd followed a group of people into a crowded Bar and Grille and walked through the place to the back patio to sit under one of the large outdoor heaters.

There was a football game on the TV and every so often the crowds of people would erupt in sounds of either joy or dismay.

I'd ordered a water and sat off to the back, trying to blend in with everyone else when I saw him.

A jolt went through me at the sight of a familiar face.

He was with a group of other guys wearing a black button down shirt over dark denim jeans. He caught me looking and he glanced for a second before he furrowed his brows and looked again.

"Hey there sexy." A guy who had walked up to my table said. I looked up at him, clearly drunk, tried to smile back. "Why are you over here all alone?"

"I just got here." I'd said, then elaborated. "To town I mean."

"Oh cool." The guy said. He was short but had a toned body you could tell he worked hard for, and he had a nice smile.

"Yeah." I'd said, out of practice with socializing.

"Look," the guy said, swaying a little. "My name is Mike, and it would be rude of me to not invite a pretty girl sitting alone to go to the bar with us."

"Oh, uh..."

"Come on." He said, taking my hand and pulling me up from my seat. "You look like someone who needs to have some fun and you're not gonna find it in here."

It felt risky, but this had been what I'd gotten away for, right? To live a normal rest of my life. To have experiences that didn't include death or isolation.

"Yeah, I guess." I'd agreed.

I grabbed my bag from the ground and let Mike lead me over to where his friends were paying their bills and ready to go.

He didn't introduce me to anyone and I felt awkward just following him around, but I'd already said yes. I didn't know if I could change my mind now.

We all walked out into the parking lot out back and we stopped at a line of big trucks. Mike opened the back passenger side of the cab and told me to climb in.

"Make room, we've got one more." He said and the two guys already in the back of the truck slid down. I'd gotten in hesitantly and felt my breathing pick up a little as Mike closed the door and walked around to the driver's seat.

"Are you sure he should be driving?" I leaned over to whisper to the guy beside me when I realized it was him.

"I know you." He said. "Remind me, I know you have a weird nickname..." I could see him searching his brain for it.

"Missy." I said before he could remember. "You went to my school." He'd graduated a year before me.

It was Luke Kelso.

He'd been on the football team and the baseball team and was definitely one of the guys that you would consider popular. His family was loaded and he used to have parties at his house every weekend.

"That's right, you're uh..." I waited for it. Waited for him to drop the you're that killers daughter line, but he didn't. "Dallas's sister."

"Yeah." I'd laughed a little, trying to feel more comfortable but struggling when I was pressed arm to arm and leg to leg with this guy. The fact that he knew who I was at all, and not because of my father, had surprised me. A guy like Luke Kelso wouldn't have a girl like me on his radar.

We didn't talk much that night.

We small talked in the back of the truck and he'd given me his coat while we waited in line to get into one of the bars that was apparently known not to actually check IDs.

Once we'd gotten inside, Mike had taken back over as designated Missy babysitter. We didn't talk much either, and as much as I hated drinking, I'd had a few of the beers offered to me.

With nothing but a half a glass of water in my stomach, I'd gotten drunk fast.

It had been the night I'd lose my virginity.

It wasn't something I'd planned or had even had much time to consider, but when Mike had started kissing me at the bar, I thought how it didn't feel bad. It wasn't the same as kissing Aries. I didn't even know this Mike guy, but I felt nice to be wanted.

We'd driven the other guys back to a dorm and Luke had stopped at the door to say goodnight before I climbed into the front seat and Mike drove us back to his apartment.

It was nothing like I'd expected it to be.

It wasn't terrible.

He was gentle and kind and kept asking if this or that was ok. I'd liked the way his hands felt roaming over my body and removing my clothes. I liked how he stood back to look at me and smiled.

It didn't last long and it felt uncomfortable at first and then when he was done he pulled me close to him under the covers and held me until the sun leaked into the room. I never did fall asleep. I just laid there listening to him snore behind me.

When he finally woke up he'd hopped out of bed and tossed me my clothes before getting himself dressed.

"I've got a big day today." He'd said, no longer looking at me or smiling and joking the way he had the night before. "I need to get moving."

I'd understood that as my sign to leave.

All of the little things I'd laid in his bed thinking of were banished. He wasn't going to fill the space in me that Aries had left. Mike and I weren't going to go on a date later this week. We weren't going to be anything. I'd leave and still know no one.

I'd found my own way out of the apartment and walked along the sidewalk, looking back just in time to see Mike walk back into his bedroom and get back in the bed from his window.

I'd felt jilted and stupid and so alone.

I'd given him something I wished I could take back as easily as it was given. All this time I'd waited and waisted it on a person like Mike. Someone who wouldn't even remember my name come tomorrow.

Later that day I found myself walking a quieter part of town. The shops were fancy and built of red brick with mossy green vines traveling upwards.

There was a cafe with metal chairs and tables sitting outside under a deep green awning and I took refuge there, letting my throbbing feet rest for a bit.

I hadn't been sitting there long when the door to the cafe opened and out walked Luke.

"Hey," he'd said when he saw me, offering up a smile. "Long time no see." He'd joked and I had managed to laugh.

"I know it's been ages." I'd played along. "How's life been treating you these days?"

"Aside from the hangover," he'd winked at me. "I'd say it's not been too bad since the last time we spoke."

We stalled in silence for a second, him standing there holding a large brown paper bag with the cafes logo on it, and me sitting alone in a chair again just as I'd been last night.

"I don't wanna be weird." He'd said, looking a little nervous. It reminded me of Aries. How he was always so cool with everyone else but got cautious around me. "But are you hungry?" He'd finally said. "My post binge drinking self decided to order enough food to feed at least three, and I wouldn't mind the company."

"Uh," I'd stammered for a moment. "Yeah actually." I'd admitted sheepishly.

He'd offered me a ride back to his house and I'd gaped at it as we pulled in down the long driveway and into the two car garage.

"You live here?" I'd laughed and he shrugged.

"It's one of my father's houses but he mostly stays in Seattle with his new wife."

"Oh wow." I'd nodded. I didn't even have one place to live, much less multiple.

I was in awe of him.

Of everything about him really.

A part of me was caught up in the fact that this was a guy tons of girls would have killed to be here with. That multiple cat fights had had to be separated over.

And he'd wanted to spend time with me.

We'd eaten our food on the large wrap around couch in front of the huge mounted flat screen TV, laughing watching old reruns of That 70's Show.

I felt comfortable around him. He made me feel safe and important and that was really all I wanted at the time. We spent hours on that couch talking about school and our teachers and him filling my head with stories of our old classmates who I'd once looked on at from afar. Never venturing to talk to the people I'd deemed too good for me.

The way he talked and laughed throughout his stories, as if he was reliving them all for my entertainment made me enjoy his company even more.

I liked how much he seemed to enjoy teaching me things, taking time to explain every little thing until I'd understand instead of making me feel stupid.

He was someone who I could see myself with. Someone you always dream about meeting. He was funny and smart and of course ridiculously attractive with his curly brown hair and dark green eyes that had this way of watching you. He'd make you feel like you were the only person in the room when he spoke.

When it got dark outside and he'd reached over to pull me into his lap, I had been confused, but not unwilling.

He'd kissed my neck and slid his hand into my panties and then leaned back to look at me.

"What?" I'd asked and he'd chewed his bottom lip.

"I'm trying to decide how guilty I should feel right now." He'd said and I had furrowed my brows. "Mike is my best friend." He told me and I rolled my eyes, recounting last night and this morning to him. "Sounds like Mike." He'd said, then lifted me up off of the couch with him.

He'd walked me into his bedroom and laid me on the bed, pulling my pants down around my ankles before pulling my body to the edge of the bed, turning me so that I was bent over the side of it.

That was my second time.

Within the span of twenty four hours, I'd lost my virginity and then had sex with someone else.

It wasn't like Mike had been.

Luke was stoic and rough and demanding. The way he had sex with me, not us having sex with each other, but wholly him taking from me... I liked it. I liked how he pushed my boundaries and made me feel this sense of release of my control.

For those few minutes I could slip out of my own body and feel something other than my emotional pain and loss.

Over the next several months I spent many nights at Luke's house, doing things I'd never imagined myself doing in the attempt at being what he wanted me to be. I wanted to please him and have him be happy with me.

He never dismissed me like Mike had done.

Sore and covered in sweat we would stay up late every night binge watching shows and talking about everything and nothing at all until the sun would come back up.

I'd thought I meant something to him.

I'd thought we were something.

I'd thought he was my best friend, and the fact that our sex was amazing only made us that much more perfect for each other.

But I'd never meant anything to him.

That much was clear.

Because a friend would have never done what he did to me.

I'd given my full trust of my mind and my body over to this man and he soon betrayed me like no one had ever done before.

He left new scars on my heart that mingled and intertwined with the ones already firmly holding their grasps there.

I'd always given so willingly to him, but that night...I wasn't willing. I screamed no. I fought. I pled. I begged for him to stop but he didn't listen.

He didn't stop.

The man I thought was my best friend took and took and took from me until I had no fight left in me.

Just my silent tears slipping into the sheets.