Not really sure how to feel about it Something in the way you move
Makes me feel like I can't live without you
It takes me all the way
I want you to stay

***

Jeongguk watched closely as the dark eyes of the man in front of him shine brightly, how his fiery red hair shone in the sunlight, and his soft lips were adorned with a beautiful rectangular smile. Strong, black-inked arms embraced the petite figures of two toddlers, whose faces also smiled happily.

He almost involuntarily enlarged the photo to get a better look at the tattoo artist's face. Taehyung was an incredibly handsome man. No one could deny that, but to him, he was much more than a “pretty face”. And what was visible in this photo made his heart beat twice as hard.

The way Tae looked at his son.

Kim was a fantastic father. What he would like to be. Jae didn't even realize how lucky he was that he was his dad. Taehyung will love him and support him in making his choices. He ran his index finger across the man's cheek, marking the jaws, then the delicate contour of his mouth, and smiled to himself.

It was a picture he took when they were with the kids at the zoo. It was a moment he wanted to remember forever. One of the few times when he was really happy.

“Oh, Jeonggukie!” a woman's voice suddenly called, and Jeongguk quickly blanked the screen of his cell phone and slipped it into his pocket, just as Lisa's small hands wrapped around his waist.

The girl hugged his back tightly, an involuntary moan escaped from his lips as a firm hug irritated the sensitive skin. It had only been two days since the tattoo was done, and he was still in pain when touching it. The boy freed himself from her hands and turn to face her, laughing nervously.

“H-Hey,” he greeted, forcing a smile. “Did you sleep well?” he asked quickly, feeling her eyes on him. However, he hoped that Lisa had not noticed his reaction and would not pursue his strange behavior.

“What's wrong? Did you sleep badly? I can give you a massage,” she proposed enthusiastically and placed her hand on his neck, fingers searching for his muscles.

“L-Lisaaa,” Jeon gasped, stepping back again with a grimace of pain. “I'm fine. I slept a little badly, but I don't need a massage,” he answered quickly.

The blonde looked at him, her brow furrowed. She eyed him carefully from head to toe.

“Jeongguk, what are you hiding?” she asked suspiciously.

“Nothing,” he said.

Seeing that the girl didn't believe him, he opened his mouth to add something else. But Lisa grabbed the back of his shirt without hesitation. She pulled on the cotton fabric, pulling it away from his skin, and pulled it down just enough to reveal his upper back, which was covered in black ink. Seeing this, she immediately took a step back, taking her hand away as if something had burned her.

“What is this?!” she asked in a raised voice.

“Lisa...”

“Jeongguk, what is this?! Take off your shirt,” she instructed.

Brunet looked her straight in the eyes. He would like to postpone this conversation, but he knew that it no longer make sense. Sooner or later Lisa would find out about his tattoo anyway. And now that she saw the black ink on his back, and she knew he was hiding something from her, it didn't make sense to deny it anymore.

So he raised his hands up and slowly unbutton the buttons on his elegant shirt. This time he didn't feel that strange excitement he felt as he undressed in front of Tae, but it was not accompanied by anxiety. He knew his back was no longer marred by a large, horrible scar that made him breathless when he saw it. Something beautiful adorned his back, whether Lisa thought the same or not. He felt a kind of pride to have something like that. Something that no one will take from him anymore and which had a meaning for him - it was his tribute to the mother who saved his life.

He unbuttoned his shirt all the way, showing his smooth, athletic stomach and strong chest, then turned his back. He grabbed the polished fabric and slowly pushed it off his broad shoulders, revealing the bare back that was now covered by the angel's tattoo.

“Oh God!” Lisa moaned. “What have you done?” she said with obvious dissatisfaction. “How could you get so disfigured?”

Hearing her words, Jeongguk pulled the shirt over his shoulders again and turned to face her, this time looking at her with a fierce attitude.

“I think this tattoo is beautiful,” he replied, looking straight in her eyes.

There was firmness in his voice, a kind of rebellion. And he felt damn good about it. Until now, showing someone his back, he felt a great discomfort. He knew there was a scar that was disgusting, and that only brought back painful memories. He was ashamed of it as much as he hated it.

It was completely different now.

He felt stronger, more valuable. He knew that his body was decorated with something unusual, which was the creation of the hands of the greatest artist he had ever seen. Someone who gave him so much in such a short time and did it completely selflessly.

It was Taehyung that made him smile again and made him feel again. Appearing in his life, he changed something inside him, brought it to the surface and made him feel alive again.

But Lisa certainly did not share his opinion. She huffed loudly, then folded her hands over her chest and glared at him.

“I don't know how you can do this to me?! You know I hate tattoos. You know my ex...”

“Lisa, just because your ex was a tattooed asshole doesn't mean everyone with tattoos is like him.”

“You know he hit me,” she said reproachfully.

Jeongguk knew the story well. Before they began dating, Lisa was in a relationship with some guy, but they broke up shortly after he met her when he raised his hand to her and slapped her during an argument. He remembered well once in the office when he saw her cut lip and a reddened cheek that the girl was trying to hide with a layer of foundation. He wanted to find this guy and kick his ass. This guy was a total asshole, but that had nothing to do with his tattoos. It didn't matter if his body was decorated with tattoos or his skin was as smooth as a baby's pup.

The asshole will remain an asshole.

“I know. And I think it's awful,” he agreed. “No man should ever raise a hand against a woman or a child, and believe me, if I met him, I'd gladly repay him for ever daring to touch you at all. It doesn't mean, however, that with a tattoo I will become like him. This tattoo doesn't change me.”

“Of course it changes you! What will people think?!”

“What are they supposed to think? This is my body.”

“How do you imagine it?! CEO of The Jeon Electronics with something like that on his back?!”

“I don't know what your business meetings are like, but I don't take my shirt off on mine,” he snorted, buttoning the buttons again.

This argument was ridiculous. He knew Lisa didn't like tattoos, but that was his body. What did their business customers have to do with it?

“You are insolent!” she shouted, indignant at his remark.

Jeongguk sank a hand into his dark hair, running his fingers through it in frustration, and instinctively pushed his tongue out on his cheek. It was his habit. He didn't know how to talk to her anymore. He was fed up with Lisa still treating him like a five-year-old child.

“Listen, I'm sorry,” he said sincerely, resting his hands on his hips. “A tattoo doesn't change who I am, much less has nothing to do with my work. Nobody will see it, and even if they do, it doesn't matter. It has nothing to do with them. It doesn't make me suddenly less competent at my job.”

“You knew I hated tattoos, and you did it anyway,” she said grumpily, trying to make him feel guilty again.

Lisa often used this method during their quarrels. Whenever they argued about something, she would turn the cat's tail so that it turned out that it was all his fault and that he would apologize. But not this time.

“Lisa, not everything revolves around you. This tattoo is very important to me. I've been wanting to do it for ten years. Besides, it's my body. I'm not telling you what to do with yours,” he added, re-entering the room.

“Oh, really?! This is how you want to talk to me?!” she snorted, following him.

Jeon clenched his hands into fists. He didn't want to argue with her, but he felt his irritation growing. He knew she wouldn't like what he had done, but he was fed up with the fact that she constantly criticized him, treating him like an unruly child.

“I doubt you'd like it if I came tattooed, or if I got fat, for example,” she shouted at him.

“I don't care what you look like as long as you're happy. I loved your natural hair, but you dyed blonde and I still like you because you feel beautiful. It makes you happier, and it makes me happier. Do you know why this is so? Because I care about you and I want you to be happy and I try to support you in it, but in return I expect the same from you... This is how the relationship of two people is supposed to look like. I want you to support me and you criticize me at every turn.”

“Because this tattoo is a mistake. You will regret this! Plus, the tattoos are nasty! How am I supposed to touch this stuff? You messed your body...”

“You've never touched my back anyway, so it's not going to change much,” he said, feeling the bitter words on his tongue. “And don't tell me it isn't so, because we both know you think the scar is gross.”

“You're talking nonsense, Jeonggukie,” Lisa scolded him.

“Don't talk to me like I'm an unruly five-year-old, Lisa.”

“Then stop behaving like one! First I come home, and there are some stupid drawings on the floor in the living room, you talk some insane things about wanting to paint, leaving the company, and then it turns out that you made a tattoo behind my back. And now you expect me to enjoy it?! I don't know what's wrong with you. You must be crazy to think that I will support this?!”

“We've been together for three years and you don't know me at all. Do you know where I got this scar from? You don't even have a clue about it because you don't care at all!” he growled through clenched teeth.

He'd never raised his voice like this before, but now he couldn't help it. He was fed up with it all. He did not want to spoil this trip. This weekend made him realize a lot. He was going to have a serious conversation with her, but planned to do so when they returned to Korea. Now, however, he could no longer pretend everything was fine. His life was falling like a house of cards.

“I can't go on like this, Lisa,” he said finally, in a much calmer voice, and looked her straight in the eye. “I can't pretend anymore...”

“Pretend what?” she asked, clearly surprised at his words.

Jeongguk ran his tongue over his lower lip. His mouth was dry, and his pulse increased involuntarily.

“It doesn't work. You do not see it?” he said, and when the girl looked at him, still not understanding his words, he added, “Me and you. It's not working, Lisa.”

“What do you mean by that?” The blonde snorted, as if she did not believe her ears.

“We have been arguing all the time recently, we live side by side. We have almost nothing in common anymore, even sex is not what it should be...” he explained carefully.

“And what? You are going to say that it is my fault that you didn't get hard?!”

“Fuck, Lisa... That's not what I've meant. I didn't get hard, because I don't want to be close to someone who criticizes me at every turn and constantly tries to change me. For whom I am never enough...”

“You talk nonsense. I don't know what's wrong with you. I don't even recognize you at all.”

“I think we should take a break from each other... For a while, at least,” he finally confessed, feeling strangely relieved that he finally dared to say the words aloud.

“Are you kidding me? A month ago you gave me that ring and now you say we should take a break?!” As she spoke, she pointed to the pink diamond shining on her manicured hand.

“You see, you don't understand it at all. It's not even the ring I bought you. You bought it your self,” a bitter laugh escaped his lips, and his hand automatically melted into the dark curls. “There are many things happening in my life that I have to deal with. I need to think about everything and organize my feelings,” he added in a calm but firm voice. “And I have to do it alone.”

“Do you think you can do it without me? You don't even realize how much I'm doing for you. Just feel what it's like to live without me and you'll come back to me on your knees, begging me to forgive you,” she snapped.

“All my life I put someone else's happiness above my own. I need to focus on myself now.”

“Soon you will have the opportunity to taste life without me, because in a while I will be leaving for Japan. TJE opens a new project and your father asked me to watch over it. I didn't know if I should go because it means that I will be away for at least two weeks, but now I can see that it will suit you.”

“Lisa, I don't want to argue. You are someone important to me, but I think a little time apart will do us good.”

“You've already made up your mind. A wonderful gift at the end of a romantic weekend, my dear,” saying so, Lisa turned on her heel and headed towards the exit. “I will not eat, I have lost my appetite.”

***

The melodic children's laughter bounced off the walls, filling the entire room with its sweet sound. Taehyung grinned, unable to help himself. He was lying on the couch, holding Jae above him with his arms outstretched, and the little one spread his arms out to pretend he was flying and was laughing out loud. He loved spending such quiet evenings with him.

He still had difficulty concentrating, but after his call to Jeongguk, he calmed down a bit. He opened up to him as to anyone else, and knew there was nothing else he could do.

It was up to him now.

“Are you hungry, tiger?” he asked, setting his son on his lap and hauling himself up to a sitting position.

He reached out and brushed the toddler's dark fringe out of his dark, doe eyes.

“I guess it's time to eat dinner, huh?”

“Yes! Jae wants to eat!” the little boy cried, and Taehyung leaned towards him and kissed his chubby cheeks, making the little boy laugh out loud again.

“All right, tiger. Daddy will play you a cartoon, and he will make something to eat for you, hm? What do you think?” saying so, he sat Jae on the couch, and he grabbed the remote control to choose one of his son's favorite cartoons.

He ruffled his dark hair with a hand, placed a gentle kiss on his head, then headed for the kitchen and began making dinner for them. This time the choice fell on tteokbokki, which they both loved. Especially since in his refrigerator there was a supply of freshly made by his mother rice noodles that nothing could compare to. He liked to eat something spicier sometimes. However, he had to prepare a slightly milder version for them. He did not want to give his son too spicy food.

As he prepared the dish, he kept glancing at Jae, who was closely following his favorite characters on the TV screen and smiling gently at the sight. He was almost finished when suddenly the sound of a knock on the door crept into his ears. Taehyung froze in an instant and stood motionless for a moment, as if afraid that his senses had decided to play with him. He was not expecting anyone's visit.

He looked over at Jae, who was still staring at the screen, then wiped his hands on a kitchen cloth and started toward the door. He gripped the handle, but for a moment he was almost paralyzed, afraid to push it. He couldn't deny that as soon as he heard a knock, there was one thought somewhere in the back of his head - Jeongguk.

He hoped his hunch was correct. He wanted nothing more than to see him again. But at the same time, he feared that his hope was in vain, and as soon as he opened the door he would feel nothing but bitter disappointment.

Holding his breath, he pressed the doorknob and carefully opened the door. As he saw who was standing in front of him, his heart nearly popped out of his chest. He wanted to say something, but the words wouldn't leave his throat.

Jeongguk, like him, stood paralyzed for a moment, only staring straight into his eyes. Taehyung saw his chest rise erratically in his nervous breathing, and for a moment feared the boy might have a seizure again.

“Gg...” he began, but before the boy's name had time to leave his mouth, the brunet grabbed his T-shirt tightly, then pushed him inside the apartment and pinning him firmly against the wall with his body, pressed their lips together in a feverish kiss.

This time the kiss was far from gentle. Brunet kissed him quickly, chaotically, as if he was afraid that in a moment he would not have the courage to do it.

Without thinking, Kim wrapped his arms around him and parted his lips strongly, letting the agile tongue of the young businessman brush sensually against his. After a while, however, he took control of the kiss, grasping his neck tightly and pushing his pierced tongue deeper, tasting him as thoroughly and as quickly as possible. Until they were finally forced to step back, gasping for oxygen into their lungs.

“I came here straight from the airport...” Jeon said, licking the taste of the tattoo artist's lips from his. “All weekend I couldn't stop thinking about you... About what you told me on the phone, how you touched me, how you kissed me... How you...”

He paused for a moment, as if he was ashamed to finish the thought aloud, even though the tattoo artist surely knew what he really wanted to say.

“I thought when I left with her, it would all be back to normal and be as it was before we met, but you're still somewhere in the back of my head,” Jeongguk bit his lower lip as he spoke and then pressed his lips back against his again, parting the tattoo artist's lips with his tongue.

He slipped his hands into his fiery red hair, tugging hard on his strands and kissing him greedily. He pressed his body tightly against the wall.

“I made love to her, and I heard your words, I saw your face and... Every intimacy with her... I don't know, I think something blocked in me. I felt nothing… And with you…” He added, tearing off his lips just enough to speak the words. “Make love to me...” he ordered after a moment, looking him straight in the eyes, and his hands almost immediately found their way to the zipper of the tattoo artist's black Levis. “Please do it again. I need it. I need to know I'm not crazy, that what I felt when we were together was real,” he whispered against his lips as he unbuttoned his pants nervously.

He was about to pull them off his narrow hips when he felt the tattoo artist's strong grip on his hand.

“Gguk, what are you doing?” the tattoo artist asked, clearly surprised.

He was still so stunned by what had just happened that he couldn't believe his eyes. Jeongguk appeared so unexpectedly, pushed him against the wall and kissed him with a determination he had never seen before. He said something chaotically about him, about his weekend trip, about Lisa. And now he was starting to undress him, and he was barely able to register what was happening. He knew there was Jae in the living room, who could hear them at any moment.

“When you touched me, when you caressed me... I felt something like... Do it again. I need to see if I will feel like this again...” the brunet continued, tearing up the words chaotically.

Taehyung put his hand in his fiery red hair and blinked a few times, not sure if he had heard the boy's words correctly. He laughed nervously.

“Gguk, did you just tell me you spent the whole weekend with your fiancée, but you didn't enjoy sex as much as you did when you were with me, and now you're asking me to suck you off because you want to see if you still like it?” he asked, not believing his ears.

Brunet swallowed loudly, then licked his lips nervously and took a step back. He looked lost, Taehyung could almost swear his body was starting to tremble slightly.

“I wouldn't put it in such a vulgar way...” he said, clearly embarrassed. “This sex... I think something blocked me, broke me... I... I don't know... I have to check if...”

He spoke incoherently, moving nervously. He didn't even look at him anymore, as if he couldn't bear the weight of the redhead's disappointed gaze. But suddenly the tattoo artist's deep, low laugh crept into his ears. It didn't sound as light as usual, though, and there was something strange about it. He almost automatically stopped and looked at Taehyung's face.

“If you came here to see if you liked it, you are wasting your time. But yes, you liked it. If you didn't like it, you wouldn't have come into my mouth moaning my name!” he growled. “Is this some fucking game for you? Bored rich kid found new entertainment?”

“N-no, Tae...” He protested surprised by the boy's words. “I... I don't know what's happening to me... I have to check if...”

“If this is some kind of sick game for you, I'm not going to play it. What I said on the phone is all true, but if you're going to play, look for someone else. This is not a game for me, Gguk. It's about my life, about Jae...”

“W-what? No, I…” he began, but fell silent as the tattoo artist walked to the door and glared at him.

“I think you should leave,” saying that, the tattoo artist opened the door to his apartment wider.

“Tae, I wanted to...”

“Get out of here before Jae realizes someone has come. I don't want to upset him and get him involved in my problems. If you want to play, do it with someone else.”

“Tae, listen,” Jeon said almost pleadingly, taking a step toward the tattoo artist, but his gaze was relentless. The brunet stopped almost in half a step, and then lowered the hand that he wanted to touch him with. “Okay...” he nodded. “I'm sorry,” he whispered, and left the apartment with his head bowed.

Taehyung closed the door behind him and rested his head against the wooden panel. He closed his eyes for a moment, trying to calm his breathing. Everything went black before his eyes, and for a moment he had the feeling that this time he was going to be suffering from a breathless attack. He didn't know what to think about all of this. How could Gguk come to him and just tell him that he spent the weekend with his fiancée, that he had sex with her... And God only knows what else they did together.

“Dad!” a child's voice suddenly called behind him.

Taehyung quickly turned to face him and forced a radiant smile. He didn't want Jae to see his sad face. His love problems could not affect his relationship with his son.

“What, tiger?”

“Jae is hungry!” the toddler said, running up to him.

Kim picked up his son and walked over to the table with him. He sat the little one on one of the high stools and prepared a batch of food for him. He only took a small amount for himself. He knew very well that he wouldn't be able to swallow anything now, as his throat was clenched with regret and disappointment.

***

The tattoo artist raised his cigarette to his mouth and took a last puff, then poked the cigarette butt against the broken metal door that led to the studio. He threw it in the trash can and started towards the entrance. He punched in the code and pushed the door open when suddenly he saw a silhouette out of the corner of his eye. Surprised, he looked at the man who was just approaching him.

“Tae is long gone,” he said.

“I-I know. I just visited him...” The boy replied. His voice was somehow changed, trembling. “Actually... I came to see you...” he confessed uncertainly.

“Me?” he asked, even more surprised.

“I know you don't like me, but I need someone to talk to... I have the feeling that if I don't get it out of myself, I'll go crazy and I don't have anyone else...” he said quietly.

Yoongi looked at him carefully. He was fucking surprised. He hadn't expected something like this, and he wasn't sure how to react. He was a friend of Taehyung, and he didn't like anyone playing with his feelings, but when he looked into the eyes of the man standing in front of him, he knew he really needed someone to talk to. He looked so bloody shattered.

“No. It's stupid. Forget about it...” the boy suddenly said, clearly reading his silence as a refusal. Embarrassed, he turned on his heel and moved quickly forward, wanting to get away from here as quickly as possible.

“Jeongguk! Wait!” the tattoo artist called, taking a few steps towards him. The boy turned and looked him straight in the eyes. “I don't have any more clients today. Let's go inside. It will be easier to talk,” he said gently.

His voice was soft. Much gentler than usual, as if he sensed that he had to be handled more carefully than usual. He didn't know why, but for the first time Jeongguk struck him strangely fragile despite his athletic body. He couldn't even tell where the thought had come from in him. Perhaps it was something in his eyes, or the slight tremor in his body that was certainly not caused by the evening breeze.

They stepped inside without a word. Yoongi pointed to the dark-haired man to sit on a comfortable leather sofa, and he went behind the counter. Without asking, he took out the whiskey he had recently opened when Taehyung told him about what had happened between him and Jeongguk and poured the golden liquid into two low glasses.

How ironic this bottle of whiskey listens to more confessions than a priest, he thought.

Still saying nothing, he approached Jeongguk and handed him one glass while he sat down next to him. He settled down close enough that the conversation was more personal and that the brunet was not forced to raise his voice for him to hear it well, but also far enough away so that the boy did not feel trapped. Brunet took the alcohol from him without any protest and almost immediately dipped his lips in it, taking a few small sips.

Yoongi was watching him carefully, but he didn't ask anything. Since Jeongguk came here by choice, he knew that sooner or later he would start talking. So he decided to give him as much time as he needed. He didn't want to pressure him or force him to do anything.

“You... You're gay, right?” The brunet asked suddenly, not looking at him.

He kept his eyes fixed on his own hands, which were clutching the whiskey glass, as if he didn't dare to meet his eyes.

Yoongi blinked a few times in surprise. He was convinced they would talk about Taehyung and their strange relationship. He did not expect such a turn of events. He didn't quite understand why the boy suddenly asked about his orientation.

“I mean... I know Jimin doesn't care what gender his partner is. He likes to play and experiment. He's always been like that. Sometimes I had the feeling he was picking on men to spite his father, but he obviously enjoys it too. He is so open, free. He doesn't care about anything. But you... You are only attracted to men, right?” he asked again, this time timidly looking up at him.

“Yes. I'm gay. I had a few adventures with women when I was still a teenager, but I quickly realized it wasn't that,” he replied without hesitation, still not understanding what this conversation was going to lead to.

Jeongguk was silent for a moment, as if he were thinking about his confession or wondering how to put into words what he had in his head.

“H-How did you know? H-How did you know that you...”

“When I was with the first girl, I just kept missing something until I met a certain boy who completely turned my head. And suddenly everything was clear. I was about sixteen at the time. But why are you asking this?”

“I... When I was maybe eleven or twelve, a new student came to our school. He had such beautiful dark eyes. And I remember that seeing him... I felt something strange. I was fucking fascinated with him. I could paint his face from memory and I really liked to paint him. When I came home from school, I used a pencil to sketch his face, his eyes, his mouth, and then hid these drawings under my pillow as if it were something wrong. I was afraid that someone might see them... I couldn't stop thinking about him. I did not understand then why I liked him so much. Jimin chased girls, and I kept looking for him, telling myself that he just inspired me to paint. Two years later I had a serious car accident and after that nothing was the same. It took a long time to get back to normal, and maybe I never really fully returned to normal. Then, sometime at the age of sixteen, I started dating a girl. Jimin urged me to do this, saying that I should go out to people and have fun like other teenagers. It was the first girl I slept with. Sex wasn't phenomenal, but what to expect when you're seventeen. It was the same with another girl, and then I met Lisa. We've been together for three years and I thought we'd spend the rest of our lives together. It was never the love that is described in books or shown in movies. It was good. I liked her and we laughed a lot together. Lisa has changed a lot over time, but I have lied to myself that this is what happens when the relationship matures, and I tried to convince myself that this was the way it should be, that all couples go through it. And then... Then Tae appeared...”

Brunet paused for a moment, then spun the golden drink in a low glass and raised it to his mouth and took a few sips. The alcohol warmed his throat pleasantly.

“I've never felt like this with anyone before. It's enough for me to hear his voice or for our eyes to meet and I feel like the whole world is spinning and I have butterflies in my stomach. And when he kissed me for the first time... I had the feeling that the ground would part. They write about such kisses in books. It was the same when…” He broke off again, too embarrassed to speak out about it.

“Jeongguk, have you ever been with another man before?” Yoongi asked carefully.

Taehyung never told him about it, and he assumed that since Jeongguk had agreed to date his friend, he was certainly interested in men as well. But now that he was listening to him, a completely different thought struck him.

“N-no,” the brunet admitted. “Taehyung is the first man I have gone this far with and with whom I wanted... B-but after what happened, I'm afraid that... That... maybe I'm just like you... And it scares the hell out of me...” he finally confessed, then sank his hands into his dark hair as if he wanted to hide or stop the thoughts raging in his head.

When he was fascinated by that boy, he felt ashamed of it. He felt like he was doing something wrong that he should be hiding. He never told anyone about this fascination, and over the years he pushed that memory somewhere on the back of his head, pretending it never happened. After that, he had never had the courage to even look at another man that way. Until he crossed the threshold of Kinky Heaven.

The first time he saw him, it was as if the lights had dimmed, and he was the only one shining, as if everything had turned black and white, and he was the only one taking on all the most beautiful colors, as if he had seen the most beautiful work of art that man had ever created.

Taehyung is so beautiful that it is impossible to be indifferent to him, but what he felt when kissing him or allowing another kind of intimacy between them was not comparable to what he felt being with a woman. The intensity of his feelings for this man was incredibly pleasant, and it also terrified him. Nobody had ever made him feel like this, and they didn't want it to end.

“Hey, hey... Jeongguk. It's nothing bad,” Yoongi said quickly and instinctively moved closer to him, simultaneously placing his hand on his back. “It's okay to be gay.”

“Yoongi, I don't know what to do now. My family expects that in a few months I and Lisa will get married, that we will be a happy family with a bunch of children, and I...” He paused for a moment, gasping for a moment into his compressed lungs. “My father will never accept it... I'm afraid that I will lose them... That I will lose him and my brother, just as I lost my mother...” he confessed with difficulty.

For the first time, he dared to fully verbalize his greatest fears. His relationship with his father left much to be desired, but it was the only family he had. He was afraid that if his brother or father found out about Tae, they would hate him.

“Jeongguk, I will not say that everything will be beautiful and easy. Many people still think that if you are different from them, you are either bad or sick. It wasn't easy for me either. My father is also very strict and old-fashioned. For him, having a gay son was incomprehensible. When I finally summoned up my courage and one day I told him that I like men, he got really pissed off,” the older man began, recalling these painful events in his mind.

Many years had passed since those events, but he still remembered well the pain he felt while talking to his father. He remembered how every word the man spoke hurt, causing him unimaginable pain. With time, however, he realized that he could not accept anyone choosing for him how to live and whom he should love. And even though it was one of the most painful lessons he had learned in life, he knew it was also the most valuable.

“You know what my father told me then?” he asked, snorting at the memory. “He told me he wouldn't accept it, as if he had something to say,” he laughed sadly as he spoke. “He told me to find a pretty girl with whom I will create a real family and who will give me children. And when I asked him if this was what he wanted me to do, to pretend to be someone I am not and make me unhappy, he told me that he didn't give a shit if I would be happy, he wanted me to be normal.”

“What did you do?” The brunet asked.

“It was the last time I spoke to my father. I haven't seen him once in ten years.”

After his confession, there was an almost dead silence, which was disturbed only by the shallow, nervous breathing of the brunet. Jeongguk could hear his own heart pounding in his ears, and everything seemed to spin around him. After a while, however, he felt the warm hand of the tattoo artist, which suddenly found itself on his knee, and looked up at him.

“Gguk, I'm not saying this to tell you that your father will react the same. We will not know this until there is a confrontation between you. I'm telling you this to tell you that sometimes you have to put yourself first before the happiness of others. Just because you like another man doesn't make you a bad person. You have the right to be happy, regardless of whom your heart beats for and whether others accept it. You will never be happy living as they expect you to.”

“What if Taehyung doesn't want to see me anymore?” he asked uncertainly. “He knows I left with Lisa. I was at his place a moment ago, but... God, I probably screwed everything up... He thinks I'm playing with him, but it's not like that...”

“You're lost, that's normal. I, too, denied my orientation for a long time. When everyone else tells you it's wrong... Sometimes it's hard not to believe it. Now the big question is, do you really like him?”

Brunet nodded.

“Then tell him this. He needs to know you care too. If you tell him that, the rest will work out by itself.”

***

Taehyung wiped the excess ink and plasma from the client's skin with a paper towel, then transferred the tattoo gun to another Buddha piece, which he had been tattooing for nearly four hours. The pattern was almost finished, there were only a few elements left to finish. He looked up to look at all the work for a moment and smiled gently to himself. He was pleased with his work today.

He was glad the pattern had so many small elements. As a result, his attention was focused on creating the pattern, and he did not have time to let his thoughts return to yesterday. He focused on the client's reddened skin to make every, even the smallest element perfect. After another twenty minutes, he could finally put the tattoo tool down. Cleaning and securing the tattoo was just a formality.

As soon as the customer left the parlor, he grabbed a packet of cigarettes and started to leave his room. It was another of those days when he had almost every minute booked. So he knew that he could only get a quick cigarette, and he was about to see another client.

It was enough for him to set his foot in the waiting room, and he almost stopped short. Yoongi was standing behind the reception desk, and in front of him a tall, raven haired man in a perfectly cut and probably damn expensive suit with the logo of one of the famous designers. Taehyung did not need to see his face to recognize this insane figure immediately.

He cursed softly under his breath, and at first he had an urge to withdraw, to disappear into his room again, hiding in it until the end of the shift. He didn't even know why, but he was afraid of confronting Jeongguk. He felt bad after he jumped at him yesterday, but at the same time he was angry with him that the brunet was constantly playing with him and leading him by the nose, giving him the illusory hope that maybe he also felt something more.

“Ooh, Tae!” Yoongi called, and the brunet turned quickly towards him, before Taehyung could withdraw.

He looked up at his friend with a scolding gaze, then looked at Jeongguk. The boy stared at him with an unreadable expression on his face, while he tried to ignore the fact that the brunet looked sexy as hell. His eyes, however, almost involuntarily slid lower, for a few short seconds admiring with appreciation his sexy, tight ass, tied up by black, elegant pants.

Goddamn him for looking so damn tempting even at a moment like this.

Like fucking Adonis.

“H-hey,” Jeon said quickly, looking so damned nervous now, but that didn't even diminish his charm. On the contrary, he looked even better. “Tae, can we talk for a minute?” he asked.

“No, Jeongguk,” he protested quickly, firmly. He didn't want to do that now. He wasn't ready for what he was convinced to hear. Not yet. “Not now,” he choked out. “I have another tattoo in a moment. I'm just going to have a quick smoke and my client will be here soon.”

“I wanted to tell you something important...”

“Gguk, I really need to focus now, and I won't be able to do that when you play on my feelings again. I don't know if I want to talk to you at all...”

“Tae, I think you should listen to him,” Yoongi said suddenly, and the redhead turned his surprised gaze at him once again. 

Since when is Yoongi on his side?

“Okay,” he finally agreed reluctantly. “But definitely not now. I go to smoke and then go back to work. If you care, come see me tonight. You know the address,” saying that, he slipped the cigarette between his lips and left the waiting room without looking at them.

“Thank you,” Jeongguk said, smiling softly at the blond tattoo artist. “Jimin is right to say that you are a cool guy.”

At his words, Yoongi immediately stiffened, as if some curse or insult had just come out of his lips. The tattoo artist moistened his lips and looked at him.

“Is Jimin talking about me?” he asked, and Jeongguk laughed out loud at that question.

“You are both the same,” he concluded. “And yes, Jimin talks about you too. And yes, he likes you too.” As he spoke, he turned on his heel and started toward the exit.

“Hey, Gguk!” Yoongi called after him. “I helped you this time, but if you break his heart, you'll have to deal with me,” he threatened.

Jeongguk looked at him over his shoulder and smiled softly at him.

“I promise I won't break his heart,” he said, then left the studio.

***

When Taehyung finally finished tattooing the last tattoo he had for the day, his neck was almost stiff and his right hand ached from being overloaded, but that wasn't important. He washed the tattoo and put a special preparation on it, then began to apply a dressing.

The last tattoo he made today was really beautiful. His client asked for a large mandala that now covers almost the entirety of her right hip and thigh. He spent a lot of time on this design, because the mandala was composed of many small elements, but the effect was delightful and the tattoo looked unique.

After applying the dressing, he gave the girl his hand and helped her get off the tattoo bed. The Korean woman was really beautiful, and she flirted with him all the time while tattooing, but he only had in mind what happened between him and Jeongguk. He didn't know what to do after what the boy had told him yesterday. He might have acted too impulsively and now regretted it a bit, but when he thought about Jeongguk having spent the whole weekend with Lisa and admitting he had had sex with her, he felt so damn jealous.

Until now, he tried not to think about the fact that they were sleeping together. He pushed the thought somewhere on the back of his head, even though he knew full well that they were engaged after all, and it was normal for them to get intimate. However, he remembered Jeongguk telling him on Thursday that he hadn't been with her since they had met. He would be lying if he said that he didn't like this confession.

There was a selfish part of him who wanted him to be exclusive, even though he wasn't his. He wanted to be the only one who touches him and kisses him. The only one who has the privilege of being so close to him. Yesterday, when the brunet told him he was with her, he felt betrayed, even though he had no right to it. Additionally, this confession heightened his fear that he would lose him soon, and he did not know how to deal with it. He didn't feel ready for it. And he didn't know if he would ever be.

“Thank you. The tattoo is incredibly beautiful,” the girl said suddenly, breaking him out of his thoughts.

“You're welcome. The pleasure is all mine,” he replied quickly, taking the gloves off his hand and tossing them in the bin. “You remember what I told you. Lubricate with the ointment as I told you and the tattoo should heal nicely. If anything happens, call me.”

“And if I have a desire to go out with an attractive man for dinner, can I call you too?” she asked, smiling gently and wiggling her long lashes coquettishly.

Taehyung snorted reflexively under his breath at the words. He could have expected it. The girl flirted with him all the time. Her proposal did not surprise him at all.

“Thank you for the offer, but... I have someone,” he said finally.

It wasn't true, but that was how he felt, even though Jeongguk wasn't his, and he didn't belong to anyone. But he knew well that he would not deceive his feelings.

“Lucky her,” that said, the girl took her purse and walked to the exit, then left, leaving him alone.

Taehyung hid the tattoo gun, ink and other equipment. He cleared his station quickly, grabbed a leather jacket, and started to leave. Yoongi was sitting at the reception desk. Seeing him, he looked up from the computer and looked at him closely.

“Are you going to pick up Jae?” he asked.

“Yes,” he nodded, and was about to leave, but something stopped him.

Ever since Jeongguk showed up here that afternoon, one thing had been bothering him. So he turned back to his friend and eyed him.

“Why are you suddenly on his side?” he said, before he could bite his tongue.

He knew Yoongi did not like Jeongguk. On Thursday, he told him that he was afraid that the boy could only play with his feelings, but when the brunet asked him to meet him today, it was Yoongi who persuaded him to give him a chance to explain himself. This intrigued him. He wanted to know what had happened that his friend suddenly changed his attitude.

“Hm?” Yoongi muttered as if he didn't understand what Kim was asking.

“Why did you tell me to let him explain himself? I thought you would be the first to tell me not to do this...”

“I judged him too hastily,” Yoongi admitted, and Taehyung raised his right eyebrow in surprise. “Jeongguk was here yesterday,” Min confessed after a while.

“He was looking for me?” Kim asked, even though it didn't sound like a question at all.

He assumed it was very likely that it was here that Jeongguk was looking for him first. Probably when he was not here, he went to his apartment.

“Actually... No,” the tattoo artist replied, and Tae instinctively turned his body towards him.

He was intrigued by his words. If Jeongguk wasn't looking for him, why did he come here?

“Jeongguk came here after your argument. He told me you told him to leave...” Min began.

Hearing his words, Taehyung felt a strange twinge. As he recovered from their argument, he quickly regretted reacting so violently. He should have let him explain it, not throw lightning bolts and tell him to get out.

“I misjudged him. Jeongguk is not as I saw him. I thought he was a rich bastard who plays with your feelings out of boredom, but now I know that he is not. He is going through a very hard time right now. I myself remember well how I felt when I started to suspect that I might be gay. I didn't want to be like that. I was disgusted with myself. I thought there was something wrong with me. Jeongguk probably feels similar. He has a demanding family, he is afraid that they will not accept his orientation, and he is engaged to a woman... It's not that easy to turn your life upside down. It takes a lot of courage. Especially when you don't have the support of loved ones.”

Taehyung moistened his lips and stepped nervously from foot to foot. He felt his pulse speed up under the influence of his friend's words. He didn't quite understand what Yoongi was telling him.

“Yoongi, what are you saying?” he asked. “What acceptance of orientation are you talking about?”

The blond man widened his pupils in surprise, and his lips automatically parted, forming a silent "o". He was convinced that Taehyung knew about all this.

“Jeongguk didn't tell you?”

“What didn't he tell me?” he repeated, feeling a strange tingling in his stomach.

He didn't know why, but his stomach was almost in his throat. He thought he was going to throw up.

“Jesus, you really don't know?” Yoongi said surprised.

It completely changed things and explained Tae's violent reaction to Jeongguk's behavior yesterday.

“You're the first guy he has anything more to do with, Tae. Until now, Jeongguk has only dated women. That's why he's so freaked out. Not only is he caught up in a love triangle, he fears that perhaps he has never been attracted to women... and he will never be attracted to them.”

“H-How do you know that? Gguk didn't tell me... I thought...” he broke off. “Oh, fuck!” he moaned as he pressed his tattooed hands into his red hair. “You're telling me that kiss in the rain, that everything that happened between us... Oh, God... S-sex...”

Yoongi nodded and Taehyung let out a loud breath from his lungs.

How he could have missed it? 

If he had known, he would have done everything differently. He would be more patient, understanding. He was convinced that Jeongguk knew he liked men. He didn't even think for a moment that perhaps the boy had never been with another man before and that he was only now discovering his orientation.

Now his behavior yesterday made sense. Jeongguk was shaky, he told him that something blocked in him, that something broke, that he had to check if he was crazy... and he, instead of listening to him and helping him...

He threw him out the door...

“I'm an idiot,” he said, his thoughts still racing. “I thought he was with a guy before...”

“Nobody knows about it. He told Jimin about his betrayal of his fiancée, but Park is convinced it was some girl. Besides, Jeongguk is concerned that his family... Can you imagine what field day the press would have if it turned out that the new TJE CEO was gay?”

“TJE” He repeated, as if Yoongi's words were reaching him with a delay or in a completely foreign language.

“TJE. The Jeon Electronics? Don't tell me you didn't know that either,” Yoongi snorted in disbelief. “Jeongguk is Jeon Jeongguk. From those Jeons. This is the second richest family in Seoul. From what Jimin told me, his father is going to hand over the company to him in a few months.”

“I-I didn't know. I didn't even know his last name. It didn't matter.”

“There's nothing like fucking the richest and most desirable ass in Seoul and not having the slightest idea about it,” the blond joked, and Taehyung glared at him.

“It's not funny, Yoongs. He came to me, all shaken, and I told him to get out...”

“Take it easy, Tae. You will explain everything to him.”

“What if he doesn't forgive me?”

“I think he really likes you, Tae. He may tell himself how much he wants, that you do not attract him, but you will not fool nature. Sooner or later, he will have to deal with it. And you can be the one to help him.”

***

The red-haired man looked again at the display of his phone to check what time it was. It was already quite late, and with each passing minute, his anxiety grew worse. It had grown to the point where it was almost unbearable. He checked to see if he had accidentally missed a text or phone, but his inbox was showing no new messages.

Today in the studio, he told Jeongguk to come over to him and seeing the determination on the brunet's face, he was convinced that the boy would come here. But now he wasn't so sure. He wondered if he should call him, but wanted to talk to him face to face.

There was too much understatement in their relationship to allow him to do the same now. He wanted to tell him that everything he told him on the phone was true and at the same time apologize for his ridiculous behavior.

“Dad, read on!” Jae called, and Taehyung laughed out loud.

“Okay, move over, tiger,” he ordered, then playfully shoved the baby aside and lay on his back next to him.

After returning from kindergarden, Jae persuaded him to build a pillow fort, so for almost half a day they would first put sheets and blankets in the living room to build a kind of tent, and then they both sat inside and played games. Now, as Jae's bedtime approached, Taehyung was reading him a fairy tale.

The toddler was already bathed, he was wearing pajamas in his favorite, pink bunnies, and he was holding his beloved soft toy in his hands. The tattoo artist ruffled his son's dark hair with his hand, then kissed his cheek and continued reading his chosen fairy tale. Jae was playing with his hair all the time, making some kind of horns on his head, but it didn't bother him.

When he was almost at the end of the story, he was suddenly interrupted by the sound of a knock on the door. His heart nearly leapt into his throat, but before he could react, Jae was already running towards the entrance. Taehyung got up from the quilt that lined the bottom of the fort and followed his son. The toddler looked at him for permission, and when Tae nodded, he climbed on his toes and pressed the handle to open the door.

“Googie! Dad, it's Googie!”  the little one shouted, jumping with excitement, and almost immediately he stretched his hands towards the man standing in the doorway. Jeongguk, without asking, bent down and took the boy in his arms, wrapping his small figure in his strong arms.

“I missed you, tiger,” he said softly, stroking the boy's soft hair.

He stepped inside and closed the door behind him, then looked up to meet the gaze of dark onyx irises. He watched him for a moment, awkwardly standing in the hallway with Jae in his arms.

Taehyung looked beautiful as always. He was not at all surprised to see that the man's body was decorated with black clothes as usual. The tattoo artist wore only a thin tank top that showed off beautiful sleeves and a mandala adorning his neckline. He was wearing black sweatpants that wrapped around his narrow hips. He was barefoot and his hair was slightly disheveled. To his right was what looked like a devil's horn. He was pretty sure it was made by the little devil he was holding in his arms.

With his heart beating hard, he smiled at him and mouthed words of greeting, then waved a little awkwardly at him. He knew they had a serious conversation ahead of them, but he didn't want to do it in front of Jae.

“Come on, Googie! Look! Dad made me folt!” the little boy called again, and he shifted restlessly in his arms.

Jeon set Jaesung on the floor and the boy immediately grabbed his hand and began to drag him toward the living room. In the corner of the room, next to the couch, there was something like a tent. Jae forced him to go inside, so he quickly took off his shoes and slipped inside this strange structure.

He had to admit that Taehyung really did his best. The interior was lined with duvets so that you could lie down comfortably and sleep, but what delighted him the most was the fact that the tattoo artist hung tiny lamps everywhere. Everything looked so beautiful.

After a short while, Taehyung also joined them. The tattoo artist picked up the book he was reading to his son and lay down on his back in the same position as before.

“Gguk, I just read Jae a bedtime story, do you want to finish it?” he asked.

Brunet nodded and took a small book from him. Jae lay down next to his dad, and he lay down on the other side, so that now the boy was lying between them. He read the fairy tale in a calm, melodious voice in such a way that the toddler would let Morpheus take him into his sweet embrace.

He hadn't even finished reading the story, and Jaesung was sleeping soundly. So he folded the book and carefully turned to his side so that he could look at Tae without waking the boy. As he did so, he noticed that the tattoo artist was already looking at him. Taehyung reached out and stroked his cheek lightly.

“I'm really sorry about yesterday...” he whispered.

And Jeongguk's heart began to beat twice as fast as if prompted.

“I should be the one apologizing,” Jeongguk protested, placing his hand on the tattoo artist, then laced their fingers together. “Tae, I have to tell you something. You know I was with Lisa in Paris. This trip has changed a lot between us...” he confessed. “And I want you to know that me and Lisa...”

Taehyung looked him straight in the eye, but he couldn't pretend he didn't feel a stab in his chest at these words. That's what he feared. He was afraid that Jeongguk came today to say goodbye to him, to tell him he was choosing her. He wanted to say something, but his throat was so tight he couldn't get a word out. If that was his decision, he should have let him go, but he wanted to squeeze his hand so tightly that they would melt into one and the boy couldn't walk away from him.

“This trip made me realize... I like you too,” he said finally, curving his lips into a gentle arch.

The tattoo artist was unable to suppress the smile that pressed on his lips, moistened his lips with his tongue, leaving a delicate layer of saliva on them, then approached him and pressed their lips together in a tender kiss, and the brunet allowed him to do so, returning every gesture.

They kissed slowly, extremely gently, but also very tenderly, pouring their tormenting feelings on their lips. They kissed slowly, tasting each other, examining the texture of the lips and the smell as if they were kissing for the first time.

“I told her I needed time, that we had to take a break... I don't know what I should do, but I can't be with her when I can't stop thinking about you,” he whispered directly into his lips. “Tae.” That said, he moved away from him just enough to look him in the eye. “I'm not playing with you. I really like you. But I also don't want to make hasty decisions. There is so much going on in my life right now. I need to focus on myself. I want to understand what is happening to me. I want to work to make my attacks go away and I want to try to get back to painting. For so long, I did what others expected of me, regardless of whether it was what I wanted and whether it made me happy. I got lost in it. I have started taking their desires as mine, and that makes me miserable. I need to focus on myself now, and to do this I must first understand what I want, what I need, what makes me happy... I know it's too much to ask you for this and I will understand if you want to move on forward...”

Taehyung gripped his face in his hands, forcing him to look him straight in the eye and smiled softly.

“I'll wait for you,” he said confidently. “Do you hear me, Gguk? I'll wait for you as long as I have to.”

“Tae, I can't ask you to...”

“You do not need to. I've waited twenty-four years to meet someone like you, I think I can wait a little longer,” he whispered, then brought his lips back to him again, but this time keeping them a few inches from those brunets. “If you only want me to...”

He could feel the hot breath hitting his lips now, but he let Jeongguk decide if he wanted to beat the last inches between them. He could feel his heart pounding against him, but he didn't want to force him.

However, not a few seconds passed, and those soft, tempting lips of the brunet pressed strongly against those of his and his tongue slipped between his lips, giving him answers to all unasked questions.

And although there were so many unknowns he couldn't count them, but for that brief moment, it didn't matter.

“We'll figure it out somehow, okay? You don't have to decide now. You are the most important now.”

“Thank you,” he said softly, smiling a little.

Taehyung reached out and brushed his dark strands aside, tucking them behind his ear, then stroked his cheek lightly.

“Gguk, why didn't you tell me what you're going through. Or that I am the first boy you let so close to you?” he asked.

“I've never even dared to think about being with another man before. I think I've successfully convinced myself that Lisa and I should be together. But the first time I saw you... I felt like never before. When you kissed me... It was like I was kissing for the first time, as if I suddenly started to see things that I had never seen before. It's hard to explain... I didn't understand what was happening to me. Now I think I felt this way maybe because... Maybe I'm not at all what everyone thinks... And that scares me.”

“You're not alone, Gguk. Now you have me…” Taehyung's voice was lowered almost to a whisper. “You should have told me. If I knew... I would have done everything differently...”

“What are you saying, Tae? Everything you do is perfect. I'm so fucking messed up and I'm not coping with anything. You... You are wonderful.”

“Don't say that, Gguk. You've been through a lot and a lot is happening right now, but you're not fucked up. You deserve much more than you think. If I knew this was your first time... Gguk, it shouldn't be like this. If I had known... I shouldn't have stretched you fast, with fingers covered in cheap petroleum jelly. Fuck from behind like it's just meaningless sex. I should have done things differently. If I just knew I would touch you like no one ever does before. I would learn you by heart, every inch of your milky skin. I would kiss you so that you would run out of breath every time. I would caress you long and stretch you so well until your thighs tremble. And most importantly... I would make love to you, looking you in the eye all the time, so that you would know that you mean much more to me...”

“Would you really do it all?” he asked softly.

“I never lie,” the tattoo artist whispered. “I really care about you, Gguk. This is not an ordinary affair. If it were, it would be easy to end it and forget everything. But you mean too much to me. I don't want to mess with your life... I really don't... But I don't want to lose you.”

“You will not lose me. I need time to sort this all out. My life is total chaos, but I know one thing for sure. I want you to stay. I want you in my life.”

You already have me, Tae thought. More than you know.

***

Ayashee:

How did you like the end of the Paris weekend?
What will happen to Lisa and Jeongguk now?
What will the future bring to our Taekook?

xoxo