Jeongguk entered the room, dragging his carry-on suitcase, and placed it next to the closet. He slipped his black suit jacket off his broad shoulders and tossed it on the bed, then approached the door leading to the terrace. He opened it and went outside. The terrace was large, with a table and two chairs. Perfect breakfast place with a beautiful view in the background.

The perfect start to the day for the bride and groom, he thought.

He took a deep breath as if he hoped the crisp evening air would ease that strange pain he felt inside. He rested his hands on the railing and looked at the view stretching out in front of his dark irises.

He had to admit that his father did a great job choosing the hotel. Although he suspected it was more of his stepmother's doing. Keiko had good taste. He was convinced that it was she who chose such a gift.

Lovely honeymoon room almost in the heart of Paris.

Which woman would not dream of going with her fiancé for a romantic weekend in a city that has been the metropolis of romanticism for years? Walk the narrow streets, passing the numerous cafés where the French sit, talking about how they spent the day, inhaling the scent of French air mixed with the scent of wine and sweet crème brûlée, or the scent of expressive cheeses.

It was a dream come true.

It is a pity that he did not dream about it at all. On the contrary, he wanted to run out of here, go to Charles de Gaulle Airport, buy the first return ticket to Korea, and drive straight to that neglected part of Seoul, run up the stairs to the third floor and knock on his door while waiting with a hard beating heart, until someone finally opens it.

He wanted the man he couldn't stop thinking about to open it. He wanted to see a smile on his perfectly chiseled lips, he wanted to grab his black T-shirt with his trembling hands and bring their lips together in a kiss that would steal all the oxygen from his lungs.

He looked at the beautiful sight that stretched from the terrace of their room and, instead of delight, felt the emptiness.

He stared for a moment at the outline of the Eiffel Tower, known to him only from photographs, which was located no more than three or four kilometers from their hotel. The building was impressive, majestic and delicately illuminated. It looked beautiful against the backdrop of the setting sun and the sky tinted with its fading rays.

Perhaps he would have enjoyed the sight otherwise. More than once he wanted to go to Europe. He wanted to travel around the cities, sightsee, admire the architecture, taste local specialties, meet people and their culture, but now he couldn't enjoy it. During the whole, almost twelve-hour flight, he did not even sleep for a moment. He thought about him all the time, and the farther they were, the more he wanted to turn back.

But could he still turn back?

Yesterday evening he really wanted it, but looking at Lisa's face, he was unable to tell her what had happened. The words stuck in his throat every time he parted his lips. He couldn't tell her he wasn't sure he should be with her anymore, and now he wished he had had enough courage.

Maybe that's what it was supposed to be like? Maybe he wasn't able to admit it because someone had planned that this is how their story should continue? Perhaps Lisa was right in saying that this trip would bring them closer? Perhaps if he is far from him, his life will return to normal? Perhaps he will stop thinking about him and his feelings for Lisa will grow stronger?

He ran a hand over his dark curls, scooping the windblown strands from his forehead, and looked again at the setting sun. He stood completely still for a moment, his eyes only gliding along the red and orange ribbons that tinted this foreign sky.

Is Taehyung just standing on his balcony looking at the starry sky of Seoul and thinking about him?

He was afraid the boy probably hated him for leaving him like that, and he wouldn't be surprised at all. He would probably think now that what had happened between them meant nothing to him, although it was quite the opposite - it meant too much to him.

And that was what terrified him.

He felt too much with Tae.

The tattoo artist showed him how much he had missed so far. He couldn't help but think about how he felt with Taehyung being there. All he had to do was look into his eyes, and he felt something he couldn't put into words, but the force of that feeling almost seemed to tear him to pieces. It was enough for him to hear his beautiful, deep voice for a flock of butterflies to dance in his belly, and when their lips met...

Jesus.

Nobody ever kissed him like that. It was more than a kiss, he knew it well. It was like meeting the two parts of one soul and finally coming together in a long, tender kiss. It was like a wave so strong there was no way to resist it.

As he stood alone on that Parisian terrace now, his heart was literally falling to pieces, each one eager to come back to him, as if only with him, they could create a whole again.

But what if he had no one to return to? What if Taehyung doesn't think about him at all? What if he's with someone else now? He kisses another lips, touches another body... He had every right to do so, and it probably should be what he should do. He should forget about him. He could only hurt him. He was a coward who didn't deserve him.

Jeongguk closed his eyes and, letting the gentle breeze blow through his dark curls, brought up the tattoo artist's face in his mind. His beautiful, dark irises, lips cut with the chisel of the greatest artist, straight nose with this delicate mole on the tip. He tried to imagine his beautiful laugh, a low, soothing voice that caressed the senses and charmed with its depth. He wanted so badly to see him, or at least hear his voice.

At least this one last time...

He imagined his fingertips sliding down his delicate cheek, along the line of his jaw, outlining the shape of his perfect lips, and then approaching him, keeping his face only a few millimeters away from those wonderful lips that might have given him salvation. He could almost imagine the warmth of his breath, the softness of his lips, the cold of the black earring adorning the slightly larger one, he could feel the taste of his tongue, the strong beating of his own heart that only beat so hard for him...

After a while, however, Tae's image faded to nothingness, and he suddenly opened his eyes. His senses seemed to play a trick on him, because he was almost able to swear that he felt his phone vibrate. Confused, he slipped his hand into his pocket and pulled out his cell phone. He glanced quickly at the display, not even knowing why, as he did so, his heart began to beat unnaturally fast, as if he knew exactly who was calling him before he noticed his name on the screen.

When he saw the name had saved Tae's number on, he couldn't breathe. He unlocked his number while he was at the airport. He was standing on the terminal with the phone in his hand, and he was so close to calling him... But when he was almost pressing the green button Lisa ran up to him, so he quickly put the phone away, pretending that he wasn't thinking about someone else at all.

For a moment he stared incredulously at the contact's name. It was already three in the morning in Korea, almost four, but he really called him. His heart beating hard, he pressed the green button and slowly brought the phone to his ear. He couldn't speak, just clamped his hand tightly around the device, almost crushing it with pressure.

"Gguk?" A voice in the receiver asked suddenly, and he had the impression that he was about to cry, so instinctively he covered his mouth with his hand.

The tattoo artist only said his name, but it was enough to make the sobs rise in his throat, almost suffocating him. It seemed like ages since he last heard his voice. He missed him. He missed him so much that he felt a physical pain that ran through his whole body, down to the depths of his soul.

"I beg you, if you don't want to talk to me, don't say anything, but just listen to me..." the redhead added quickly, with a clear fear that the boy would hang up, but when he still heard his breathing in the receiver and the gentle sound of the wind, he mustered up all the courage to continue.

He wasn't prepared for Jeongguk to really pick up. He had tried calling him so many times on Thursday that he had lost faith that they would ever talk again. A million thoughts were running through his mind and his heart was racing like crazy, but he knew he had to tell the truth.

"I'm sorry," he finally choked out, not quite knowing what he was really apologizing for.

For he cares too much?

He did not regret meeting him at all. He didn't regret that they had gotten closer to each other and that he had let him into his world. He didn't even regret kissing him or that they had made love. But when he thought that because of that moment he might lose him forever, he couldn't breathe. He needed him. And until Jeongguk disappeared, he didn't even realize how much he began to care for him.

"I did not want to destroy what was formed between us. I did not want to destroy our friendship," he confessed. "I know I should have refrained. I should have... But you make me feel... With you, I feel too much..."

The tattoo artist was silent for a moment, as if he needed a moment to continue talking again. Jeongguk instinctively tightened his hand around the phone. He felt some strange feeling at the confession, though he wasn't sure if he was interpreting his words correctly. However, he did not dare to speak. He was afraid that if he did it now, he would fall into a thousand pieces. So he was silent, letting Taehyung gather enough courage for him to continue.

"Jimin told me today that you left with her," he finally confessed, and at these words Jeongguk pressed his hand tighter to his mouth.

He heard the pain in his voice and knew his fears were right, even though the tattoo artist himself hadn't said about it out loud. Taehyung thought he chose her over him. He thought that what had happened between them didn't matter to him. That Jeongguk thought it was a mistake.

"And even though it hurts, I still understand why you do it. You have a lot in common... Perhaps you still love her. If that's the case, I hope you can fix everything. I want you to be happy, and to finally start living the way you deserve, because you deserve much more than you think. You deserve someone who will be there for you and support you and love you, no matter how you choose to direct your life. You deserve someone who will eventually teach you what your worth. And if she is that someone, I will support you in this and I will remove myself from your life, but if you are with her, because others expect you to do it... If there is, at least a shadow of a chance that when you kissed me, when you made love to me, you did it because you feel something more to me... before you make any further decisions, I wanted you to know... I like you. Probably even more than I would like to admit..."

Taehyung fell silent, but Jeon could still hear his breathing. It almost felt as if the tattoo artist was standing next to him, though he knew well that if he looked into his eyes now, he would drown in their depths and there would be no return. They were both silent for a moment, listening to their breathing, just like that night, when the redhead was telling him a fairy tale about Snow White.

"I really like you Jeongguk, and I don't know how to stop," the boy repeated, then hung up quickly as if he were afraid of his answer.

Brunet stood paralyzed, clutching the phone in his hand, although the only thing he could hear now was the terrifying silence in the receiver. He wanted to break into a thousand pieces and just disappear. Although he was sure that even if he did now, every little piece of him would want the same thing.

He didn't even know how long he had been standing on the terrace, his phone still in hand. He only moved when he heard Lisa calling for him. He slipped his cell phone into his pocket and turned back, then walked into the room.

"Jeonggukie!? Where are you darling?" The girl called again, and when the brunet finally entered again, she greeted him with a beautiful smile.

The boy looked at her closely. Lisa was wearing a short black velvet bathrobe as if she were ready to go to bed, but her face was still decorated with makeup.

"Look what I have for you," saying that, the blonde pulled on the robe belt, revealing her shapely body dressed only in black, lace underwear.

Jeongguk moistened his lips nervously, not knowing what to do. If the girl had stood before him dressed like that a month ago, he would probably have been happy, but now he didn't know how to act. He couldn't help but think about what Tae had just confessed to him and what he felt when he heard those words.

"Lisa..." he gasped, running a hand through his dark curls.

He himself did not know why he had agreed to this trip. When the girl told him about it and looked at him with so much hope in her eyes, he thought it might be a good way to see if they still had something in common. They were alone here, away from family and friends.

Away from him.

He thought that this would allow him to see how he felt about him and what he still had in common with Lisa. Cut off all that has happened recently and clear his mind, but that was proving to be more difficult than he thought.

The girl approached him and, standing on tiptoes, kissed his lips. Her kiss was soft, sensual. Jeongguk almost automatically returned the caress, and Lisa, taking advantage of his momentary inattention, pushed him towards the bed. The boy sat on its edge, and she climbed onto him, straddling him.

"It's been so long since we had sex," she whispered in his ear. "I want to feel you inside me." As she spoke, she pushed her lips lower and began to kiss his neck.

Jeongguk couldn't relax. Feeling the girl's lips caressing his neck, he felt himself tense. He closed his eyes, trying to relax to start enjoying the intimacy, but when he did, he had a picture of Tae's onyx irises, and it got even worse.

"L-Lisa..." he said with difficulty, placing his hands on her shoulders.

He didn't know why, but he wanted to push her away. He couldn't focus on anything. There was chaos in his head. It almost felt as if Lisa's every kiss hurt him, each touch burning his skin unpleasantly. He moved uneasily, but the girl obviously took that as an encouragement and giggled loudly.

"Oh, are you so impatient, Jeonggukie?" she asked, then pressed her lips against his.

The boy tried to kiss her back, but with each subsequent kiss he felt like he was running out of oxygen, and not because her kisses were so fantastic they literally stole oxygen from his lungs. He couldn't breathe, because the longer he kissed her, the more he was sure it was not those lips he wanted to caress.

He clamped his hands tightly on the sheet and kissed her with his eyes closed, as if not seeing her would help him, but he couldn't focus on anything. In his head he could still hear his words:

"I like you. Probably even more than I would like to admit..."

He hoped that when he lost sight of him, his feelings would return to normal. He would be the same Jeongguk he was a month ago, but he wasn't so sure he still wanted to be. Taehyung was right to say that he was still stuck in the damn wreckage. He lived as others expected and got so lost in it that he finally started taking their desires as his own, losing himself.

He wanted to be with someone with whom every moment was so exciting that he wanted to draw handfuls and memorize every second, every touch, every word. Only one person could make him feel like that. As Taehyung glided over his body with his fingertips, he felt chills run through his entire body, stimulating every, even the smallest cell to live.

In his hands he was like clay that conformed to the shape of the sculptor's hand, and he created something unexpectedly beautiful of him. And somewhere in the back of his head, he knew only he could do it. In Lisa's hands, he would be just a meaningless piece of rock.

But he was afraid that if he followed his heart, he would hurt everyone he cared about. He will hurt Lisa, his family. He will fail everyone.

Was his happiness worth enough to be redeemed by such a sacrifice?

Not knowing what to do or how to behave, he remained passive, but allowed the girl to unbutton the buttons on his shirt and then slide her lips down on his strong chest, trying to find pleasure in her endeavors. However, when he felt Lisa's hand slide into his boxer shorts and clench around his cock, he felt himself tense again. Her touch was not at all pleasant, it did not give him pleasure, on the contrary, he felt uncomfortable. He couldn't relax, and he didn't feel even a little excited. His mind was still traveling to Tae, and he heard words in his head that he couldn't forget.

"Jeonggukie, don't you like it?" Lisa asked suddenly, looking at his face.

"I-I just need more time," he said, moistening his lips nervously.

Lisa moved her hand up and down, but he felt almost nothing. The longer it lasted, the more tense he was, and only his embarrassment increased. He had never had a problem getting turned on before, but now he hadn't gotten even a bit hard.

You need to focus, Jeon, he told himself. He shook his head to clear his mind and tried to think of something sexy, but nothing was working.

"I'm giving you a hand job, and you are not getting hard? It didn't even flinch..." Lisa groaned in disappointment, still moving her hand over his cock.

Jeongguk closed his eyes and tried to recall some fond memories of the beginning of their relationship. He didn't want to make love to Lisa and think of Tae, but he couldn't find anything to turn him on. All his thoughts returned to the handsome tattoo artist, which made him even more nervous.

Unable to bear the touch, he almost sharply grabbed her hand, holding her back, then removed her hand and slipped out from under her, getting out of bed. As he buttoned his pants, he looked at her embarrassed. It had never happened to him before. He'd always lived up to her whims and bed expectations, and now he couldn't get excited and felt terrible about it, as if suddenly he wasn't a worthy man.

"What's wrong with you, Jeonggukie? I thought you wanted to have sex with me."

"Lisa, please..." he gasped.

He was so fucking embarrassed. He had never experienced anything like this before. He was always up to the task. Usually he was the one who initiated the closeness between them, but this time the mere thought of making love to her made him feel sick. His whole body was tense to the limit.

"Maybe I'll try again and then you will get hard," the girl suggested, putting her hand on the belt of his pants and pulling him gently, but the brunet grabbed her hand again and pushed her away, increasing the distance between them.

"I-I'm tired after the trip... The flight took more than twelve hours, and I've been under a lot of stress lately..." he interjected quickly, feeling even more ashamed.

He knew well that was not true. Sometimes, after sleepless nights and hard hours spent in the office or behind the wheel of a car, he could get excited in a few minutes. It was as if getting closer to Tae blocked something in him, broke something in him. He couldn't think of anyone else.

"L-Let's leave it for tomorrow. I'll rest and... I'll be fine for sure," he choked out.

"Oh! It sucks. I put this underwear on for you," Lisa moaned, pouting her lips as she stood up and began arranging pillows on her side of the bed. "Then I'm going to sleep," she added in an offended voice.

Jeongguk was still almost paralyzed. What was wrong with him? Why wasn't he able to get hard?

"Tomorrow," he began hesitantly. "Tomorrow I will be all right," he added, as if trying to convince himself.

***

Jeongguk dried his hair with a towel, then draped it over his shoulders. He was wearing one of his typical elegant shirts, buttoned almost up to the last button. Lisa was still asleep, but he didn't want to risk the girl seeing the tattoo on his back. He knew this moment would come sooner or later, but he preferred to postpone it. Especially after the events of the previous evening. There was already enough chaos in his life, and he didn't want to put any more stress on himself.

He was still thinking about what Taehyung had told him and what had happened between them. Has sex with another man blocked anything in him? He didn't understand why he wasn't able to make love to Lisa. The girl was beautiful. She put on lacy, sexy underwear for him, they were in the city of love, in a wonderful hotel, in a honeymoon room they rented for them, and he could not spark even a small flame of excitement, as if after what had happened between him and Tae, Lisa was no longer enough for him.

He didn't have much sexual experience, he was only with a few women, but he never had a problem satisfying them. He didn't understand why his body had stopped responding properly. When he was in the ring with Tae, all he had to do was grab him tightly, clinging to his body and growl a few dirty words in his ear, and he was rock hard, even now as he thought about it, he could feel the characteristic pressure between his thighs, but yesterday, when Lisa was touching him, he wanted to run away like she was doing something unpleasant.

A knock on the door of their room broke him out of his thoughts. He ran to them quickly, so that the insistent sound would not wake Lisa. He had ordered breakfast for them, but didn't want to wake her up yet. He took the order quickly and took the small trolley from the waiter on which his order had been delivered. It was only when he smelled the coffee and fresh croissants that he realized how hungry he was.

The flight to Paris took over twelve hours, and he was unable to swallow anything. It was evening by the time they got to the hotel, and he was bloody hungry, but after what had happened between him and his fiancée, he quickly lost his appetite.

He took all the items he had brought out onto the terrace and set them on a small table, then went back inside and approached the bed, where Lisa was still lying. Her blonde hair was spread over the pillow, but she looked really beautiful nonetheless.

Why did it feel so strange looking at her?

Looking at her delicate features, he wondered what it would be like to wake up with Tae now. The last time he spent the night with him, he woke up in his strong arms. The tattoo artist held him to his chest almost all night long. He could smell his scent on him, the gentle breath on his neck, and it felt like he was finally exactly where he should be.

Has he ever felt the same, waking up next to Lisa?

He touched her arm lightly and the girl opened her eyes. Seeing him, she smiled gently. She reached out and touched his cheek.

"Good morning, darling," she greeted in a still slightly sleepy voice.

"Hi," he replied, smiling a little. "I ordered breakfast for us," he explained, offering her a hand to help her up.

The girl threw on her bathrobe and let Jeongguk lead her out onto the terrace. As the boy said, there was a prepared breakfast on the table: delicate croissants, fruit jam, freshly squeezed orange juice and two cups of coffee, the aromas of which were in the air. Perfect.

"Ooh! Is it all for me? I have such a wonderful fiancé!" she cried. "Maybe we should move here?" saying that, she kissed his lips briefly.

"I wanted to surprise you," he said, then grabbed one of the croissants and bit into the soft dough. "What do you want to do today? I just thought... Since we're in Paris, why don't we go to the Louvre Museum today? I recently saw that until the end of this month there is a beautiful exhibition dedicated to Italian Renaissance sculpture from Donatello to Michelangelo. These works are unique. I would like..."

"Oh, Jeonggukie! We didn't come to Paris to be bored to death in some shoddy museum," Lisa replied, and she started laughing loudly, melodiously. "Besides, since I'm already in Paris, I want to go to the Champs-Élysées. All the best boutiques are there. I heard that this is where the luxury boutiques of Cartier, Christian Dior, Gucci, Fendi are located. Maybe I'll get myself something nice. Oh, maybe I'll also find a Louboutin boutique somewhere so that I can buy shoes for our wedding. I've seen such beautiful silver high heels in the new edition of Vogue lately. They would be perfect!"

Jeongguk got up from the table and walked over with a cup of coffee in hand to the railing. He glanced at the tower on the right. He couldn't believe they were in Paris, and Lisa was just going to drag him from store to store to act as her porter and drag designer shopping bags behind her, and her wardrobe was already bursting at the seams.

"I don't want to go to boutiques, Lisa. I want to go see this exhibition. This may be the only unique chance to do it," he replied finally, before he could bite his tongue.

He didn't know why he had such courage suddenly. He usually agreed to what Lisa wanted, but he wasn't about to change his mind. He would go to this exhibition, even if it meant that he would do it himself.

"Are you kidding? It is so boring. Why watch something that was created centuries ago?" she asked, clearly annoyed by his refusal.

"Because it's a real art. Masterpieces to be appreciated and admired."

"Who cares..."

"I care," he said quickly. "I liked art from an early age and I want to go there. If you don't want to go there with me then how about if you go shopping and I go to this exhibition?" he asked carefully, not wanting to cause unnecessary quarrels.

"You want me to go there alone?" the girl snorted.

Jeongguk approached her and stroked her fair hair with his hand while looking her straight in the eye.

"Honey, you will be shopping anyway, and I will follow you with no sense. You will go shopping, relax and we will have a romantic dinner in the evening. Maybe you can buy something nice for the evening," he suggested. "Hmm? I'll take you to that restaurant you were talking about on the plane."

The girl pursed her lips and blinked at him, wiggling her long lashes coquettishly.

"Okay, but you're all mine in the evening," she replied after a moment, then kissed his lips.

***

"Oh! Jesus! I know this restaurant is very expensive, but how delicious it is!" Lisa called, shoving another batch of duck into her mouth.

"That's true. It's really delicious, although I would love to eat ramen from a cup now," Jeongguk joked.

"You're impossible!" the girl scolded him, rolling her eyes. "I remember, on our third date, you invited me to a restaurant. I put a lovely dress and high heels, and you took me to some roadside pub for ramen in cups!" she said, laughing out loud.

Jeongguk also laughed. He remembered her face when she saw where he had taken her, and people looked at them as if they were crazy when they saw her elegant dress and insanely high heels.

"But admit the ramen was delicious," he added, amused at the memory.

"It was. And it was a really good evening. Later..."

"We walked along the Han River," he finished after her, recalling the evening.

He remembered them walking at night, holding hands, and when Lisa said her feet hurt from high heels, she just took them off her feet and walked barefoot. He carried her to his apartment on his back, and then they made love on his couch. These events took place three years ago, and he felt as if centuries had passed.

"I'd like to go back to those moments sometimes," he admitted honestly. "Everything seemed much easier then..."

"It could be like that now too," Lisa replied, smiling at him charmingly.

Jeongguk reached out and stroked her cheek with his hand, then tucked a strand of her bleached blonde hair behind her ear.

"You really think it could be that way?" he asked, looking her straight in the eyes as if to read them if she still believed in their relationship.

Lisa looked beautiful. She only wore light makeup that subtly emphasized her beauty, and her slim body was adorned with a newly purchased dress. The airy fabric perfectly emphasized all the advantages of her figure. Jeongguk took her hand in his and stroked the back of her with his thumb while he examined the pink ring on her finger.

It was supposed to be a symbol of his love and devotion. The promise of a common future and that he would care for her and not disappoint her, and recently he had broken all those promises, and he felt terrible about it.

He was sitting in a Parisian restaurant, wine flowing in his veins, holding his fiancée's hand, and he felt nothing but sadness and helplessness. It was a long time since he felt like this. He didn't know why, but the feeling of sadness suffocated him so much that he wanted to cry. When he thought about their past, he knew those moments were gone, and he had the damn feeling that whatever he did, what they had in common, would never come back.

Is this how someone feels when they realize that their life has changed forever and nothing will ever be the same?

He could tell himself as much as he wanted, that everything was as it should be, that it was only temporary and all couples go through it, but he knew well that it was not true. He couldn't go back to what it was anymore. He couldn't make his feelings for Lisa come alive. He couldn't make what he felt for Tae suddenly disappear somewhere, and forget about him, as if he had never appeared in his life, as if he had never existed.

His life was like the wreckage of a ship thrown between the waves like a paper plane. The waves of the ocean pulled him deeper and deeper into the dark depths, and he desperately tried to keep his head above the water, even though he knew there was no chance in the face of such a powerful element.

Although all the time, somewhere in the back of his head, he was thinking that he had been swimming with the flow all his life, exactly as others had steered him, so maybe it's time to do something on his own? Perhaps, when he does, he will be like those famous koi fish swimming down the Yellow River that he has heard so many legends about, and instead of continuing to be just an ordinary fish swimming thoughtlessly with the rest of fishes, he will dare to jump to the top of the waterfall and become a beautiful dragon.

Jeongguk raised his glass and drank the few sips of red wine they had ordered with dinner. It was rich in flavor with a slight hint of chocolate, but quite tart. But it didn't matter much now. He had had such a race of thoughts these past few days that he wanted it to end. He wanted to stop analyzing everything for a moment and forget everything that had happened.

He dipped his lips in the scarlet liquid and looked over Lisa's shoulder at the couple seated at the table next to them. The girl was really beautiful, she was laughing at some joke the boy sitting in front of her had just told her. They were holding hands all the time, much like he was holding Lisa's hand right now. They looked at each other in such a way that he had no doubts about the depth and sincerity of their feelings. Looking at them, he almost felt like a voyeur.

For a moment he wondered if they always looked at each other that way. He and Lisa probably never had anything like it. They looked at each other as if there was no world outside them, as if they were meant to be together, and he and Lisa had long looked at each other almost as if they were strangers to each other.

Perhaps it was all his fault. Instead of taking care of what he had with Lisa, he allowed them to distance themselves more and more each day, until finally there was such a gulf between them that he didn't know if there was a chance to return. And he didn't even know if he should come back to it, or if he still wanted to. He took a few more sips, feeling the alcohol slowly bring a familiar, blissful state into his mind.

Lisa ordered dessert and he ordered another bottle of wine. It was already dark and it grew cooler as they left the restaurant. Jeongguk took off his suit jacket and handed it to Lisa, who gratefully put it on.

"Do you want to take a taxi or do you prefer to take a walk?" The brunet asked. "It's only a short way to the hotel."

"Let's go for a walk. It's gonna be almost like on that date. If my legs hurt, you will carry me," the girl replied, giggling gently.

They drank a lot of wine and both felt its influence. Jeongguk noticed that Lisa was definitely laughing more. She behaved almost as she had at the beginning of their relationship. This was Lisa has been missing all this time. He grabbed her hand and they started walking together.

"It's been a long time since we did that," Jeon said. "We haven't done anything together for a long time... Sometimes I have the impression that we live apart," he confessed.

"We always go out together. We eat out with friends almost every day," the girl replied.

"Don't you feel different?" he asked. "Don't you feel that we... I don't know."

Lisa laughed out loud, then leaned toward him and kissed his lips.

"I think the wine messed your head, Jeonggukie. Our relationship is changing as we get older and more mature. We'll get married soon and I'll be the happiest girl in the world. You will see, it will be wonderful!"

"You really think so?"

"Of course I do! Are we there yet? My legs ache, if it goes on like this, you will have to carry me like then," she joked.

"I don't know if I can do it. You ate all your dinner and dessert," Jeongguk said, teasing her as Lisa nudged him to the side.

"You are horrible! You persuaded me to try this dessert yourself, and now you are pointing out my calories."

"You are beautiful, whether you ate a hundred or a million calories."

Jeon opened the hotel door, letting Lisa pass, then followed. As they got into the elevator, he could feel her eyes on him. He looked at her and for a moment their eyes met. His hand almost involuntarily brushed a strand of her blond hair behind her ear. They had a really nice evening, it was almost like it used to be, although it felt completely different.

When they finally got out of the elevator and entered their room, Lisa turned to face him, took a step forward and stood on her toes, then kissed him tenderly. Jeongguk allowed her to do so, returning each kiss almost automatically. His body remembered her touch, her taste, but it seemed insufficient.

It almost felt as if he was watching a movie or reading a book that he knew every word by heart, but over time the emotions he felt at the beginning disappeared somewhere. Now there were only empty words that he couldn't make sense of. And as he kissed Lisa so hard to find it, it all started to come down to one person again. One person who seemed to give new meaning to everything he knew and believed in. With him, he felt like a blind man regained his sight.

"Make love to me, Jeonggukie," Lisa muttered into his mouth as she pulled him towards the bed.

She turned to face him and, looking at him coquettishly, slipped her dress off her shoulders, then let the delicate fabric fall around her feet. The girl did not have very big breasts, so she often walked without a bra, so now he could admire her almost naked. She wore only lace panties and high heels.

Jeongguk cursed softly under his breath. It was so long since he had made love to her that he hardly remembered what it was like. Lisa grabbed his shirt and began to unbutton it, but when she was about to take it off his broad shoulders, the brunet stopped her. He didn't want the girl to see his tattoo.

He led her gently towards the bed as he quickly removed the rest of his clothes. Kissing her lips, he ran his hand up and down his cock several times, pumping it, then quickly put on a condom. With an efficient movement, he slid the panties off her hips, then held his breath and slid gently into her.

He wasn't sure if he was doing the right thing to make love to her, but he hoped that maybe it would change something and eventually it will help him understand his own feelings. However, when he began to move inside her, and high-pitched moans escaped from the girl's lips, occasionally replaced by a diminutive of his name, which he honestly hated, he couldn't focus on it. His initial excitement instantly disappeared somewhere, as if he suddenly realized what he was actually doing.

"Oh, Jeonggukie!" the girl grunted, and he froze for a moment, unable to move.

He felt sick and for a moment he wanted to push her away again and escape from this room himself. What the hell was wrong with him? He closed his eyes, trying to calm his unnatural breathing, and again Tae appeared in his mind.

He moistened his lips nervously, forcing himself to make slow, steady thrusts again, just as Lisa liked, but with each thrust he thought more of Tae. He felt as if he could feel his hand grip on his neck and on his hip, he felt as if he could feel his hot breath against his neck and that silent confession rolling from his perfect lips right into his ear.

"I like you. Probably even more than I would like to admit it..."

He felt as if he was about to suffocate, everything started to spin and there was nothing left but that voice in his head.

"Oh yes! Jeonggukie!" Lisa moaned again, and he just bit his lower lip.

He knew the girl was close, so he forced himself to make a few more hard thrusts, and when Lisa came screaming his name, he slipped out of her almost immediately. He didn't care that he hadn't come by himself, he couldn't bear the fact that they were so close. He couldn't bear the fact that he moved within her, thinking of someone else and wishing he were the one who made love to him now. Everything swirled before his eyes, and he was afraid he was about to get another attack. He pulled away from her sharply, as if her skin was burning him.

"Jeonggukie, it was wonderful!" Lisa gasped, breathing hard, then leaned on her hands, lifting her body up on the bed. "You didn't come?" she asked surprised.

"I-it's nothing," he said quickly, taking off the used condom and tossing it in the bin.

"If you want, I can help you. I'll do you a great hand job, exactly the way you like it," saying that, the girl moved towards him, but Jeongguk stopped her.

"N-no," he protested.

His cock throbbed strongly, but he didn't want Lisa to touch him. Her touch seemed to burn his skin, causing him pain, and he felt disgusted with himself for what he had just done.

"I'll go take a shower," he said, and left the room as quickly as he could, heading for the bathroom.

As soon as he entered, he locked the door and leaned against it, breathing heavily. It was dark before his eyes. He felt terrible about what he had just done, as if he was cheating on someone again. Though this time he might have only betrayed himself.

After a moment, as his breathing calmed slightly, he pushed himself away from the door, took off his shirt and tossed it on the ground, then slipped into the shower stall. He turned on the water and stood under the rain shower, wanting the cool stream to wash away all his sins. He didn't know why, but he was disgusted with himself. When he was in Lisa, all he could think of was that he wanted to finish. He didn't want to make love to her at all and for the first time he almost had to force himself into it. 

He closed his eyes and let the stream of water slide down his still sore tattooed back, rolling down his spine and then between his athletic buttocks. As he felt the warm liquid run down his athletic thighs, the memory of what had happened in the tattoo parlor just over forty-eight hours ago flashed back into his mind.

He felt as if he could see him again, as if his image haunted him like a ghost.

He could see so clearly his beautiful, dark eyes staring at him with such determination, while his sinful lips twine around his cock. What Taehyung had done was so damn exciting he felt a pressure in his lower abdomen at the mere mention. Nobody had ever caressed him like this. The tattoo artist shamelessly danced his pierced tongue around his cock and then did something Lisa would never do. He let him come in his mouth and drank every tiniest drop of it, clearly enjoying it himself. At the memory, he barely swallowed.

He shifted restlessly and looked at his cock. Yesterday evening, when Lisa wanted to have sex with him, he was unable to get excited, and today he barely forced himself to stimulate him enough to satisfy her. Now, however, only the thought of Tae was enough for his cock to stand proudly, glistening with juices and pulsing strongly.

Jeongguk ran through his wet hair in frustration. He had total chaos in his head, everything seemed to fall apart, and now his body was allied against him. He didn't know what was happening to him. Did sex with Tae change anything about him? From then on, even the slightest interaction with Lisa almost caused him physical pain, he felt as if he was cheating on Taehyung being with her.

And now, standing alone in the shower, all he could think about was him. He could only think about his hands on his body, his lips on his lips. He wanted to feel again what he felt being with him. He shifted his hand to the throbbing cock and, gripping it tightly, moved his hand up and down, simultaneously recalling the image of Tae kneeling in front of him in the tattoo parlor. He knew it was wrong, but his body wanted it so badly that he couldn't help himself. He bit his lower lip, trying to muffle any sounds of pleasure.

Thinking about him, he was so damn excited he knew it didn't take much to cum. He clenched his hand tighter, imagining that Taehyung was touching him. The tattoo artist caressed him in a way he never even dared to dream of. Sometimes when he made love to Lisa, he felt as if the girl was touching him out of duty, avoiding touching his back as if his scar disgusted her, and he glided adoringly over his body as if he worshiped every inch of his skin, as if trying to learn him by heart.

He liked the fact that the tattoo artist was neither shy nor held back in any way with him. He just pushed him against the cupboard, grabbed his hip tightly, and entered him, filling him almost to the limit. And then he made love to him as if it were the last time he had touched a man. As if he was about to die, and that was the last thing he could do to feel alive.

And Jeongguk felt alive too.

For the first time in ten years, he felt alive. It was then, in this small, dark room made for tattooing, in his arms covered in black ink, where he died and was reborn, like the phoenix on Taehyung's back.

Willing to feel like he did again, he almost involuntarily slid his hand lower, slipping it between his ass cheeks and carefully pressed against his entrance. He had never caressed himself that way. Taehyung was the first to show him what pleasure you can feel when you caress this place. He wasn't sure exactly how to touch himself, so he tried to replicate the movements of the tattoo artist's hand while still stimulating his cock.

As his fingertips finally found this most sensitive point, a muffled curse broke from his lips. Jesus. The feeling was so fantastic that it was enough for him to repeat the movement a few times, and he came, trying hard not to moan out loud.

When the first ecstasy after his orgasm finally began to slowly leave his body, he washed the sperm from his hand and stomach, but still stood under the stream of water for a while, trying to even his breathing.

What was wrong with him?

Just a moment ago, he had almost pushed his fiancée off to fuck himself in the shower, imagining it was another man touching him. He didn't want this. He didn't want to be like that. He could feel his orgasmic breath becoming shallow again, but this time for a completely different reason. His body began to tremble, and he felt he was about to suffocate.

The next attack came so quickly that he didn't even realize when, and after a while he was curled up in the shower, with the stream of icy water hitting his body like thousands of little needles. He was breathing hard, tucking his head between his shoulders. His whole body trembled, and he couldn't calm down.

He didn't know how long it was when the pain in his chest finally eased, and he was able to move again. He rose from the ground on his still slightly trembling legs and turned off the water tap. His body was icy and numb. He wiped himself absentmindedly on a soft hotel towel and slipped on black sweatpants and a white T-shirt, then carefully left the bathroom.

The room was dimmed. The only light came from a small lamp located on the bedside table next to the bed where Lisa was lying. The girl was already asleep, her chest rising gently in steady, calm breathing.

How could she sleep so peacefully while there was constant war going on inside him?

He didn't know how to handle what was happening. These feelings were beyond him, and he had no one to talk to about it. He thought he had dealt with the attacks, but had had them with increasing frequency lately. His life was organized, planned almost every hour, and now he didn't know what to do, what to feel, and that sparked more attacks. It felt as if he had stepped back into the post-accident period.

Without thinking for long, he put on his socks and put on his shoes, then grabbed his jacket and left the room. It was almost eleven p.m., but he needed to get out of here, clear his mind of all the thoughts that were invading him. He walked aimlessly, with his hands hidden in his jacket pockets. There weren't many people in the streets. As we walked towards the river, only a few passersby passed, including a group of teenagers who were probably returning from some party. They shouted over each other and laughed carelessly.

After a while he stopped near the Seine and simply stared at the illuminated tower visible in the distance. He didn't even know how long he had been standing here when suddenly someone's deep, loud laughter snapped him out of his thoughts. The man's laughter was natural and so wonderfully overflowing with joy that he almost involuntarily turned back, eager to see what had caused his reaction.

His dark eyes immediately found a couple standing nearby. He was surprised to find that they were two young men, probably not much older than him. One was taller and definitely more athletic. He had dark hair falling in soft waves. It was his lips that broke the laugh, probably triggered by what the other boy had just been telling him. This one was slightly shorter, thinner, with blond hair slightly ruffled by the wind.

Jeongguk couldn't look away from them. He liked the way they held hands without any embarrassment, the way the shorter man's hand gently glided over the dark curls, the way their lips joined in a slow, tender kiss. They looked like nothing else mattered but that they were here together.

Could he and Taehyung ever have something like this?

Tae was beautiful, strong and so damn brave. His life broke into a million pieces when Jiwon left him with less than six months old Jae, and yet he came back stronger than ever. He admired him for that.

But he?

He was weak. All his life he did what others expected, he had panic attacks whenever something was happening that was beyond him, and he didn't know how to deal with it.

Would he ever be able to take his hand in the middle of the street and kiss him like there's no tomorrow?

In his mind, he had already seen these headlines: "Jeon Jiseok's son seen making out in the street with a tattooed man", "Scandal. The new CEO of The Joen Electronics likes dicks", "A scandal at TJE. He broke off the engagement and is now making out with a man." Just the thought made him sick, but still, looking at them, he envied them so damn much.

The taller man kissed the blond, and then disappeared somewhere. The stranger suddenly turned to face him, and for a moment their eyes met, and Jeongguk felt ashamed of watching them so much. He felt like a voyeur. The blond approached him and leaned against the wall, perhaps half a meter from him, then took a packet of cigarettes from his coat pocket and slipped one between his lips.

Jeongguk felt awkward. He had a strange feeling that the man was standing so close to him on purpose. He wanted to leave, but couldn't move. Out of the corner of his eye, he glanced at the man who, bowing his head forward, was lighting a cigarette. His long, pale fringe obscured most of his face. He could only see his lips holding the cigarette, while his hands shielded the match from the breeze. The stranger took a long drag on it and pushed his blond hair back, gently tilting his head to reveal a protruding apple.

The boy was handsome, had a sharp jawline and a straight nose, his lips were a bit too narrow, but there was something fascinating about him. It looked a bit like a catwalk model from a Parisian fashion house. He wore a long mustard coat that matched his honey blond hair, and a trendy scarf around his neck, probably just thrown on to make him look more nonchalant.

"I saw you looking at us," he said suddenly without looking at him, and took another drag on his cigarette.

The boy spoke to him in English, there was a slight French accent in his voice, but he was certainly fluent. Jeongguk felt his heart begin to pound hard in his chest.

"I-I... I'm sorry, I didn't want to stare, I just..." he began to explain, confused.

"What's his name?" The blond asked, turning his face towards him.

He had beautiful blue eyes framed by long, thick lashes. His eyebrows were almost black, contrasting with his peach skin and honey-colored blond hair.

"W-what?" Jeon gasped, confused by the stranger's question.

"You didn't look at us with disgust. You looked as if you envied us," the blond explained, then took a drag again. "What's your boyfriend's name?" he asked again, blowing smoke through his slightly parted lips.

Your boyfriend, Jeongguk repeated mentally. He wanted to repeat the words aloud to see what the taste would be, but dared not.

"Taehyung," he said finally, looking into the stranger's blue eyes. "His name is Taehyung," he repeated, as if he wanted to remember the sound of his name spoken through his lips and blurred in the French air. "B-but we're not... It's complicated," he added, feeling embarrassed.

"Love is not complicated at all. People like to complicate their lives," replied the stranger. "I'm Jean Pierre," he added and extended his hand towards the brunet.

"Jeongguk," he introduced himself, shaking his hand, and the Frenchman smiled gently. "Why did you think that I'm... Why..."

"Why did I think you were gay?" The blond asked, then laughed out loud. "Your eyes betrayed you. As you looked at us, I knew you were dreaming of someone's lips. If you dream about it so much, why are you not together?"

"I come from South Korea. The topic of homosexuals does not exist there. We pretend that there are no such people. My family... My father... He would never accept it, and I... I don't know if I'm ready to admit that... It's all so..." He paused for a moment.

He didn't know why he was telling this stranger about all this. Perhaps it was easier to confide in someone who didn't know him. Someone who is just like him and may have had a similar experience in the past. Someone who can understand him and not judge him.

"I have someone," he confessed suddenly. He felt that if he didn't dare to say it now, maybe he would never be able to say it. "A woman. We've been together for three years, but... Suddenly he showed up."

"Did you see that handsome guy I kissed? It's Mark. Five years ago I studied and worked as a waiter in one of the Parisian cafés. I was convinced that at the age of thirty I would have a wife and a group of children, because that was how I was raised and that is what my family wanted, but one day he entered the café. Beautiful, tall and so damn cute. Mark came here for an exchange student from the United States. He spoke hardly a word of French, and I could barely put together a simple sentence in English, but when I saw him, it felt as if the ground was trembling. And suddenly it didn't matter what the others wanted, because I wanted him. Mark had a boyfriend in the States. He was a few years older and a goddamn rich businessman, and I was just a broke student, barely making ends meet. I was convinced that I was in a lost position. I had nothing to offer. Until I realized that I could give him something that no money could buy..."

"What was that?" Jeongguk asked.

Jean Pierre lifted his hand to his mouth and took a drag on his cigarette, then looked him straight in the eye and curved his thin lips into a beautiful smile.

"Love," he replied. "I gave him my love."

"And that was enough?" Jeon asked shyly.

The man stubbed out his cigarette and slipped his hand into the pocket of his mustard coat. He took a small red box out of it, then opened it and showed Jeongguk its contents.

"We've been together for almost five years. And today at midnight... I will ask him to spend the rest of his life with me," he said, showing him the ring.

"Aren't you afraid you are making a mistake proposing to him?" Gguk asked, his voice slightly trembling, recalling the evening in which he had proposed to Lisa.

He had total chaos in his head then. He was afraid that he was making a mistake that he would not be able to reverse, and every day he was more and more convinced that it was true.

"No," Jean Pierre replied confidently. "I know I'd make a mistake if I had allowed him to leave five years ago and return to the States. I know I would make a mistake  if I didn't confess my feelings to him in an airport full of people, and I know I would make a mistake to let someone so wonderful disappear from my life. So now I'll propose to him at midnight, under that damn Eiffel Tower, because he thinks it's fucking romantic, and I'll do anything to see the smile on his face."

"I envy you this certainty. I'm not sure of anything anymore..." Jeon confessed.

"But he is the one you thought of when you looked at us, didn't you?"

Jean Pierre paused as if letting his words drop slowly with the crisp French air, then tucked the box with the ring into his pocket and pushed himself off the wall they were both leaning on.

"It was nice to meet you, Jeongguk," he said, extending his hand to him. "I hope that you will also find the way to your happiness, because you already know his name..." saying that, he smiled and moved forward, heading towards the tower illuminated by the lights.

"Taehyung," Jeongguk whispered, staring at the disappearing silhouette of the French. "His name is Taehyung."

***

Ayashee:

The Paris weekend is almost behind us.

Will what happened help Jeongguk understand who he really wants to be with?
Will he tell Lisa about his doubts?

I am curious what you think.

Thanks for the stars and comments!

xoxo