***2nd TRIGGER WARNING: CHILD ABUSE. NON-CONSENTUAL SEXUAL ACTS/ACTIVITY PERFORMED WITH A CHILD. DO NOT READ IF THIS IS A TRIGGER FOR YOU. ***

****To be ABSOLUTELY CLEAR: I do NOT condone this behavior nor support it. I write it because it is a part of Cadmium's story, and it is a part of what makes him who he is. I believe that no matter how dark a person's story is, their story deserves to be heard. ****

That being said, KNOW your limits and what you can read.

As always, thank you for your support and I hope you continue reading. 

Take care of yourself ~ CANGEL

***

Cadmium Wolfe

One Month Later

     It was late when Cadmium stumbled through the front door of the house, he was supposed to call home. Blood trickled from his mouth, and he could feel the swelling around his eye causing his vision to blur.

     Cadmium toed off his boots, cognizant of the fact that his mother hated dirt being tracked through their new home. After four months, could a home still be considered new? He didn't know, but it was easier to follow the rules than fight her about something so ridiculous.

     He limped his way through the home, barely making it up the stairs to the second story of the home where the room that Scarlet and he shared was located.

     Cadmium pushed through the door, shutting it with a quiet click behind him. He dumped his coat on the ground and stiffly walked to the bed not bothering with changing his clothes. He already knew what a disaster that would be.

     Only once he was laid down, did he release the breath that he'd been holding.

     He was safe.

     Cadmium let his eyes fall shut. Under his sister's unknowing protection, he was safe. Shielded. His body was sore, aching and bleeding. He wanted to sleep, but his mind was racing.

     "You didn't come home last night." Her voice cut through the silence like a knife. Low and gravely.

     He didn't open his eyes as he took a breath, trying to calm his racing heart as panic began to set in. He didn't want her to know. She couldn't know. "I'm tired, Scar. Let me sleep."

     "Where were you?" She pressed. Not taking the hint that he so desperately needed her to.

     Why tonight? Why tonight of all nights, do you decide to push for the answers we both know you won't like or understand?

     "Out." Please. Let it go. Let me pretend to be sleep. Let us both pretend.

     "Where?"

     Desperation clawed at his throat, making his snap, "does it matter?"

     "Did you go out with Bash?"

     Cadmium's face jerked toward hers out of instinct, even as he recoiled away from her like she had physically hit him. Bash? His body's aches and pains flared to life, but he could only stare across the bed at her. Her golden eyes gleamed in the darkness, adding to the unnerving nature of her words. How did she know? She wasn't supposed to know. He wanted to believe that she was talking about something else, but the murderous look in her eyes left no question. She knew everything. "How do you—"

     "Did you?" She repeated, cutting him off. Her voice was hard and flat and left no room for argument.

     Cadmium let his head fall back to the pillow. His fingers toy with the blanket beneath his body, picking at a fraying thread. "No." She let out a breath of relief, and Cadmium knew it could be over. So easily, so why did he continue, "I went there by myself."

     He felt the bed shift. He could feel the air grow thicker around them with his words hanging between them.

     "Why?" She barely breathed the word.

     Cadmium wished they were the same. At the same time, he's so glad they aren't. No one should be like him. But it would make it so much easier to explain, because how did he explain it? How did he explain the need to go there? How did he explain the desire to feel the pain that Mary could give him?

     Even though Cadmium knew she wouldn't ever truly understand, he couldn't help but try. "It's not bad when it's my choice." He swallowed the lump forming in his throat. Don't tell her. Don't tell her. His heart thudded against his chest as he swallowed. "I like to hurt, Scar." He whispered as some truth escaped. Shame coated his throat making the next words come out thick, hopefully she couldn't tell how close to breaking down he really was. "It's just who I am."

     It's just who I am. The words echoed in his head, this time in her voice.

     "I know." She whispered back, words seeped in her worry.

     But she didn't. Scarlet didn't know. Because Cadmium didn't tell her. And he never would tell her.

      But as he closed his eyes once more, trying to let sleep take him, he couldn't help but remember the events of earlier that night.

***

     Cadmium was carried by the larger man into the back room and set to rest face down on the table. His back was bare and bloody. Ripples of pain flared through his flayed nerves, shooting through his body, sending rushes of...of something, along with the pain. Cadmium's head was heavy. His brain was covered in a fog. His thoughts were slow.

     On some level, Cadmium knew that he needed to get up and leave. Mary was normally here to watch over him as the healing salve was laid on his skin. And even though most would say it was sick what she wanted to do, Cadmium thought she was a god-save because whatever her reasons were or wherever her interests lie, she never touched him other than to clasp the metal cuff around his wrists that held him prisoner to the block.

     Mary didn't want to do the 'other things' that some of the other patrons liked or wanted to do to him. She didn't want to do the things that he'd been forced to do when his father had been short of coin and in want of alcohol.

     But Mary wasn't there tonight. And even though he trusted Mary in this at least, he knew this wasn't a safe place to be. Especially not for him now, when he was so vulnerable.

     He knew this.

     But through the fog in his brain, nothing felt urgent.

     He still had time.

     Cadmium had come here for this. Right here. The haze and the fog and the euphoric bliss that coursed through his veins.

     The moment he left; he knew it would be over. And he would have to wait weeks to come back.

      The door opened. Cadmium should be worried. He should at the very least look to see who is there. But he doesn't look up. The lashes were deep this time. Deeper than Mary's. Pain throbbed through his body and with each pulse, the pain seemed to sink deeper into his body and it grew harder and harder to think.

     Cold wetness coated his back. The familiar burn flooded his system as the salve worked its magic on his skin. In an hour, his wounds would be closed. In two hours, there would be nothing but pink lines on his skin where it had once been flayed wide open. In three hours, there would be no evidence of what had occurred this night, other than the dried blood on his skin and the memory in his head.

     Liquid pressed against his lips. It hadn't taken any persuasion for Cadmium to open his mouth obediently and swallow the liquid. It burned his throat and heated his stomach, and Cadmium recognized its familiar smell a moment later, but the burning pain in his throat removed any concerns.

     Pain.

     That is what he wanted. What he came here to get.

     "We have another room available for you. Would you like that, Cadmium?"

     Her voice wrapped around him, caressing him, lulling him into a feeling of safety. Warmth spread from his belly. Pain pulsed through his body and his conscious thought was floating somewhere above his head.

     He nodded, his head bobbing up and down disjointedly

     Her laugh filtered in, like bells in the wind. Or shards of glass knocked together. Light and beautiful. Cadmium couldn't have said if the woman was beautiful or not, but her voice was.

     He found himself being led to another room, leaning heavily on the woman. His legs are moving but he doesn't feel the ground beneath him.

     "Such a good boy, you are." The angelic voice purred in his ear, her lips brushing against his skin.

     A shiver ran down his spine.

     A brief lance of clarity cut through the clouds. What is he doing? Where is he going? He should leave now. He needs to lea—

     Her nail skimmed down his back, scraping against his fresh wounds. He hissed in pain. Pleasure coursed through veins. He clamped his mouth closed around a moan that tried to escape.

     Any worries growing floated away. This was good.

     Cadmium was pushed down onto a soft couch. Even with the soft material catching his fall, the fall was jarring. Lightning streaked along his back. Cadmium sunk deeper into the clouds he was floating on.

     Just a little longer. He'll stay just a little longer.

     He didn't know how much time had passed. Only that the feeling of a hand on his thigh pierced the Cloud 9 Heaven he was currently living on.

     Cadmium became painfully aware of the hand as it scraped against his skin, skating higher and higher on his leg. So close to his—a bare hand grasped him, wrapping their fingers around him completely. Fear welled up inside him as he tried to recall what's happening. How he got here and how he ended up naked.

     He grabbed the wrist of the hand touching him. Stop. He didn't want this.

     "Oh, baby..." The angelic voice. The soft purr. It echoed in his ears. "Don't fight it, Cadmium."

     A sharp pain stabbed his thigh. He flinched away even as the rush of adrenaline ran through his body. He shuddered. His hand slipped away from hers as he struggled not to sink into the rush.

    Her hand moved along his length, stroking it.

     He tried to pull away.

     He doesn't like it. He doesn't want it. But when another burst of pain exploded across his chest, his body responded, and Cadmium felt himself slipping further away.

     "Don't fight it, baby." Her voice wrapped around him; her lips pressed against his ear.

     Her larger body on top of his. Wetness coated his body as she rubbed herself against him. He willed himself not to respond. Not to react. He didn't want this.

     Her laugh echoed in his ears. "You're such a big boy, Cadmium. Aren't you ready to be a man? Coming here by yourself now and look how well you respond to me. You're so special, Cadmium Wolfe."

     Pain flared on his chest. Along his back. His thighs. The pleasure each bite of pain brought him sent him sky high and Cadmium's mind is torn. Nearly everything inside of him wanted more. More. More. He didn't care about what or who was making him hurt. He just wanted to hurt.

     But there's a small piece inside of him that said no. Not her. Not this woman. Not like this.

     He shoved against her, but it was no use. He couldn't shove her off him any more than he could stop his body from reacting to her. Her teeth bite deep into his skin at the same time that she took everything from him.

     Cadmium's body reacted without his permission to the pain she inflicted. Pleasure chased the pain throughout his body. His body hungered for more even as that small part of his brain screamed for this to stop.

     "Don't fight it. Look at how you respond to me, Cadmium. Don't fight it, baby. It's just who you are."

     It's just who you are.

     Her words echoed in his head on repeat as she took more and more from him.

      Shame coated his insides like heavy sludge. Disgust welled inside him. Not at the woman.

     But at himself.

     As a mixture of her pleasure and evidence of his own coated his body, rapidly drying from the cold air around him, Cadmium felt nothing but disgust at himself.

      He had wanted to hurt. But he hadn't wanted this.

     Had he?

     It's just who you are.

***

     Cadmium blinked back to the present, finding himself curled closer to Scarlet. She was strong. Steady. Brave. Fierce.

     Her arms wrapped around him without hesitation, pulling him close. He didn't realize he was crying until after her hand carefully wiped the wetness from under his eyes.

     "I don't want to be this way." He said. Cadmium didn't know if Scarlet saw his words or not and he wasn't sure if it would be better or worse if she hadn't.

     But the words were true nonetheless. Cadmium didn't want to be this way. The way that made him enjoy what had happened. Any of what happened tonight. Or any night before.

     It was tainted.

     His release. His escape.

     It was ruined.

     How could he go back there?

     How could he not?

     Cadmium shook his head against his sister's chest. "I don't want to be this way." He repeated.

     Her hand smoothed down over his hair once. "It's okay." Her heartbeat was steady beneath his ear. His sister was so strong. Gods, how he wanted to be strong. He wanted to believe her words, but he couldn't.

     It wasn't okay.

     He wasn't okay.

     But he was safe.

     Here with his sister. Here with the person that nearly everyone in District 14 hated and feared, Cadmium felt safest.

     "When you need to hurt, I'll do it."

     Cadmium's head jerked up. He must have misheard her. Her eyes are open, calm, and filled with a determination that he recognized as they locked on him.

     "What?"

     "When you need to hurt, I'll do it." She repeated. "We can fight. Or whatever you need. But you come to me. Don't go there anymore."

     Cadmium tried to stop his tears, but a few managed to fall down his face. He nodded his head.

     "Answer me, Cadmium." She said, her eyes narrowing on him.

     He nodded his head again as he swallowed, trying to find his voice. "Okay." His voice, cracking and weak.

     And relieved.

     Because Cadmium didn't want to go back there, but he didn't think he had the strength to stay away from the place that could give him that blissful haze.

     That's just who you are.

     But Scarlet would help him. She always did.

     Cadmium was safe as long as she was here.

--------

Okay, there is so much to say here. First, I want to restate that what happens here makes me sick. I do not condone this behavior nor support it. 

But I do think it's important to Cadmium. Because he is in a stage of his life where he was experimenting with what his brain is telling him feels good. Pain. Cadmium is traumatized. He is a child. And he is a victim of neglect. He is a victim of abuse-both physical and sexual. And he is of an age where he wants to be independent. 

He is obviously too young and should never have been exposed to this, because of this right here. Cadmium is too young to make safe decisions. He's too young to make sure that he is being taken of and is safe when he is in this foggy state (if anyone is familiar with BDSM, *Sub-space)

Because of this, because he is taken advantage of, Cadmium connects this pleasure with pain to shame. And it will affect his views of himself and his sexual experiences going forward.

But. If there is one silver lining. It is that he is no longer hiding it. He has reached out to Scarlet and she will help him (let me be clear, if you think it'll be sexual between them, it won't. Just need to put that out there right now).

However, Scarlet is also a child. Scarlet's offer, while coming from a place of love, introduces a new psychological dynamic. It suggests that she is willing to shoulder some of Cadmium's burden, but it also raises the question of whether this will truly help him heal or if it will further complicate their relationship. Her desire to protect Cadmium may inadvertently place her in a position where she's enabling his harmful coping mechanism.

Take care of yourself and stay safe. Vote if have enjoyed the story (perhaps not this chapter). Comment and purge your thoughts and feelings. It will help. 

Love~ CANGEL