I dig my fingers into the point between my left shoulder and neck, trying to knead away the knot under my stiff muscles. I haven't been able to sleep well for the past few days and the results are showing underneath my eyes. 

"I can't do it. You have to assign someone else." 

To an outsider it would look like I'm talking to my reflection in the mirror, whilst I busy myself with the silver jewels around my wrists. But General Lyra's hears my voice loud and clear through the ear piece that has been fashioned into a beautiful bejewelled clip that curves around my earlobe. 

"I didn't expect you to give up so quickly." The disappointment in her voice is evident and I bite my lip, feeling embarrassed. In all our years together as Sympathizers, this is the first time I've ever refused a mission. 

I tap the button on my dresser making sure the barely audible static that masks our conversation is still active. I draw in a breath, the soft buzzing that our device emits calming me slightly. 

The past few days have made me more and more paranoid. Nothing feels the same anymore, all the previous camaraderie I used to have with my peers now feels like a competition. 

And after tonight it will only get worse. 

My jaw tightens as I study my dress for the tenth time. Dark silver gossamer waves of material, moulding to my every curve, sheer in most places, leaving little to the imagination. 

A gift from one of the most powerful firearms families in Pluto and Commander Bardotta's in laws. It is the first time I've ever worn something so risqué and the message is clear. After tonight I will be a grown up in Plutonian society. The last of the Trinity to attain age. 

I've had days to think about it but the realisation always leaves a bitter aftertaste in my mouth. Everyones been sending me gifts, invitations to formal events and dates. 

It feels like the entire planet is ready for me to marry. 

Except me. 

I used to dream about the romance of it all. Being whisked away on a bottle space craft, with some drinks and Lazarus. Both of us unable to keep our hands of each other throughout the journey to our honeymoon in the Oceanus constellation. 

Lazarus has always loved their waters and beaches. He used to bring Lucian and I there when he first started flying. 

My jaw tightens when I remember how he had kicked me out of his house just days ago. The unreadable expression on his face when he stared at me from his sprawling balcony. 

"But you feel for him nonetheless." 

His words burn themselves into my brain over and over again, a scar I can't seem to get rid off. 

"So that's it then." General Lyra says, startling me. I'd been so wrapped up with my thoughts, I'd forgotten she was on the other side of the line. 

"It's too personal. The risks are too high. If I blow my cover, we're done." I reply, hoping she would be able to see it from my point of view but also knowing that she won't. 

"Then 'dont' blow your cover." The general answers in a patient voice, like she's talking to a child who needs coaxing. "Listen, tonight's your birthday celebration. The entire planet will be celebrating with you. It's a big deal and you must be feeling nervous. Don't make any hasty decisions now. We'll reconvene in a few days, alright?"

A few days would hardly make a difference but I agree for her sake alone. "Fine. See you at dinner." 

My communicator pings and I look down to see a message from Lucian. 

I end the call, deactivate all anti spying devices and put on my shoes before leaving the room. Lucian came with his driver today and I slip into the back, leaning against the scented pillows that Lucian knows I love. 

The barriers between us and Phillius rise up and latch to the ceiling, giving us some privacy and I smile at my best friend. 

Lucian's dressed in a dark suit, making his pale skin shine under all the street lights. His silver hair is glowing and he pushes a stray lock off his forehead. His eyes keep shifting from my face to my barely covered legs. 

I resist a smile because he looks so shy. 

"How do you like my dress?" I cross a leg over the other and the sheer material rises up, showing off more skin. My bracelets clink against each other as I reach out to hold his hand. I laugh because he can't seem to look at me before turning to the windows awkwardly. "Am I making you uncomfortable?" 

"No," Lucian shakes his head vehemently but his eyes betray him. "It's just. Are you sure you're comfortable? We're having dinner with the generals first." 

I lean forward and his eyes fall to my cleavage for a few seconds. He quickly clears his throat and pretends to study the mini bar that houses a few drinks. 

"I'm fine, Lucian. I'm dressing for myself not the generals or anyone else." I'm lying through my teeth. Truth be told, I wore this dress with only one person in mind and I can't stop thinking about how he will react when he sees me. 

But Lucian has always seen me as this calm, controlled Plutonian so it's easy to keep up the facade around him. Unlike Lazarus, who has me questioning every word and stare, being with Lucian has always been effortless. 

I never have to overthink his motives and he always looks at me like I'm the most beautiful thing. My heart thumps in my chest as I study the sharp contours of Lucian's face and how his lips look so soft under the dim lighting. 

I feel his fingers tighten around mine and he quickly offers me a drink, mixing me one with his free hand. 

The familiar curiosity returns. It would be so easy to shift closer to him, to hold on to his chin gently and tilt his face my way. I lick my lips and blink a few times when he hands me a drink. 

I take a long contemplative sip, watching him as he does the same. No, it wouldn't be fair to him if I kissed him today. I know of Lucian's feelings, many Plutonians do. If I lead him on without being certain myself, it would be plain cruel. 

We settle into a comfortable conversation about Lucian's squad members. He's been having a hard time recruiting more female officers because Remulus, one of his squad members keep breaking their hearts or pissing them off. 

It's funny and I laugh at Lucian's frustrations earning a playful punch on the arm. 

"It's hard, Luna. I can't believe one squad member can cause so much difficulty." He says, his eyes crinkling up at the sides, beaming when I chortle. 

"Well he's always been a charmer and it's amazing how he has no boundaries. Remember when you introduced me to your squad for the first time?" 

Lucian's face scrunches up in humiliation when he recalls. "He tried to flirt with you when we were having refreshments. I wanted to shoot him in the head." 

My cheeks start to feel warm when I feel Lucian stroking the inside of my palm with his thumb. A comfortable bout of silence settles between us and I wonder what he's thinking. 

Sometimes I worry about him. He used to be the most enthusiastic about diplomatic visits and missions but nowadays I catch him dozing off all the time. He's been so jumpy and defensive, it's nice to see him calm and relaxed like he is now. 

"Lucian," I say and he startles when I mention his name so suddenly. "Were you stressed when you turned eighteen?"

He's only one year ahead of me but I'm guessing people would have treated him the same way when he turned eighteen a year ago. 

"About leadership?" He asks in a soft voice and the resignation in his eyes weighs down on my chest. "I don't think I have much of a shot to be honest. Not since..." 

He trails off and I have to stop myself from forcing him to continue. Even though the curiosity is killing me. 

I squeeze his hand softly, not knowing how to help when I don't know what the problem is. General Lyra clearly knows, but she seems to think it isn't something worth discussing. Lazarus seems to take precedent over her son which infuriates me a little. 

"You know you can trust me, right?" Were those the wrong words to say because I notice he stiffens slightly and I can feel him slipping away even though his hand is still wrapped around mine. 

"I'll help in any way I can." I add, my tone borderline desperate. "You just need to tell me what's bothering you." 

Lucian turns away, his side profile picturesque under our moons light, like a painting. He chews on his bottom lip, looking deep in thought and I notice the glider stops, signalling that we have arrived. 

My chest caves in when he doesn't answer and I'm once again reminded that this is what the three of us have become - three potential leaders who hide things from each other. I release him slowly and proceed to exit the vehicle but Lucian stops me. 

"I have a birthday surprise for you. I want to give it to you when the moon's turn." He smiles in excitement and just like that, my body feels lighter, all my worries fading into the air around us. 

"Lucian, you know I'm too impatient for surprises." I grumble playfully and he shifts closer, catching me off guard when he kisses my temple tenderly. 

A warm, fluttery feeling builds in my stomach and again I think about how easy this will be if I chose him. 

Us. 

He hurries outside and opens the door for me. He helps me out and then leans in, his soft breath tickling my ear. "I'll be waiting for you at the third exit, the one nearest to the refreshments table. See you there a quarter after the night has passed."

He wants me to meet him at the back of the hall after I turn eighteen. My skin suddenly feels hot when I look up at him. 

"Shall we?" He holds out an arm and gestures to the banquet hall where the Trinity and Generals are waiting to have a celebratory dinner with me. 

I let him lead me inside, Lucian's invitation still playing on my mind but the closer we get to the hall, the more I think of Lazarus. Shame consumes me as I count down the steps to the doors ahead. 

He told me he wants nothing to do with me and yet here I am, every neuron in my brain firing signals pertaining solely to him. 

What will he think when he sees me in this dress?

What is he wearing tonight?

Will he sit next to me?

Will things be normal between us? 

The ceiling high bullet proof doors swing open for us and I'm immediately greeted by a loud chorus of wishes. My heart hammers in my chest as I take my time to study the diamond studded walls with gold accents. 

Glass stained, dim yellow lights hang low from the ceiling above, casting a romantic glow over the small crowd gathered here today. 

One by one I nod in greeting to my parents, then the other generals. 

Panic rises when I don't see the only person I'm looking for. Disbelief catches me in a chokehold, I'm finding it hard to swallow. Lazarus has never once missed a formal event with the Trinity and Generals. Not unless he was severely injured. 

So it takes all my effort to plaster a huge fake smile and pretend to be happy even though the fourteen year old Luna deep inside is currently bawling her eyes out.