A/N: Mentions of drug use, alcohol consumption and transphobic remarks. Readers discretion is advised.

GAVIN.

I fucked up big time.

Messed up really badly.

I was happily in love with someone until I broke his heart. Shattered his trust. And now I have lost the only guy who has ever truly loved my shitty self.

I tried apologizing but he didn't want to forgive me. I even went on my knees and begged him, something that I have never done in my life. But still, he wouldn't forgive me. Said I didn't deserve absolution for what I had done.

He was absolutely right.

I don't deserve his forgiveness. I am the bad guy. Hurting people is what I do best. I am far too gone. No amount of love can hide the ugliness that resides within me.

Not even Carlito's love could change me. I really tried being good for him. I tried to be worthy of him. But I failed miserably. Because the darkness in me, won. The ugly parts of me that I thought were gone resurfaced and I was back to my old ways.

Without a second thought I cheated on my boyfriend. I broke him and made him cry. The look in his eyes when he found out the truth, haunts my memories. His voice breaking while he asked me why I did it, replays in my mind like an echo in a valley.

Why did I do it? Why did I fuck her? What was I thinking?

The answer to those questions is simple. I did it because I wanted to. At that time all I was thinking of was fucking her. I didn't stop to think of the consequences of my actions. Didn't think of how my actions would affect Carlito.

God I'm a fucking idiot. I'm the absolute worst. I have always been a terrible person. A bully, a narcissistic piece of shit, that's who I am. That is the real me.

So why was I trying to run away from this? Who was I trying to fool with the good guy act?

And love? It isn't for people like me. I have always known it. So why the fuck was I trying so hard to...love? When all I have known is disdain and anger?

I mean even my own mother wanted nothing to do with me. Opted to sell me to the highest bidder. Maybe she knew that I didn't deserve to be loved. It's why she did it. I am after all hard to love and easy to dislike.

I thrive in abhorrence.

All I cause is pain. Even to the people who don't deserve it. I mean look at what I did to the only boy who has ever truly loved me? I fucking broke his heart without even batting an eye.

And the title of the biggest douchebag in the history of douches goes to...me.

Cheers to losing the love of my life, to an eternity of loneliness and to hating myself for being a piece of shit.

"Fuck." I hissed after downing another shot of tequila. The liquid scalded my throat all the way to my fucking balls.

I was at a club downtown, drinking whatever I could to numb the pain. It felt like a knife was being twisted in my chest over and over, causing immense agony. Not even the strongest shot of tequila could drown the ache in my chest.

Bebe Rexha's I'm a mess was booming in the club, causing the place to vibrate as laughter and noises of excited people filled the place.

"Rough day?" Someone said. Probably a guy, based on how deep his voice was.

"None of your business." I growled then summoned the bartender. "Refill." I instructed and he nodded in response.

"Make that two." Said the stranger. "So I'm assuming your day has been shittier than mine." He started a conversation, clearly not getting the memo.

"Look, I'm not interested in whatever chit chat you're trying to start okay?" I fired, throwing a glance at him. He sent a smile my way, curling the ends of his shoulder length, pink wig using his ringed index finger. Mascara had trailed down his eyes, staining his bony cheeks. It looked like he had been crying, judging by his ruined make up and red nose. Even with the ruined make up, he seemed attractive.

"Fine. Just thought I could use a drink buddy. You know, to drown our sorrows together." He stated just as the bartender brought our drinks. He downed his drink with a slight wince. "Shit. I can never get used to this." He complained.

I drank in silence, getting lost in my sad little universe.

"Life sucks. Everything sucks." The guy suddenly said and I hummed in agreement. The alcohol was begining to take effect; was feeling tipsy after the three shots of tequila.

"One minute you are happy and the next, you're back to feeling miserable and pathetic about everything." He lamented, compelling me to give him my attention.

Might as well give him an audience. Maybe his shit will make me feel better about my own shit.

"What happened?" I fished for information, my eyes scanning him. I noticed that he had light brown irises. The black eyeliner made his eyes stand out in a beguiling way.

"There's this guy that I've been seeing for a year now. I just found out that he is getting engaged to some girl. When I confronted him about it, he dumped me. You know what's funny, is that I thought what we had was real. But turns out I was mistaken." He opened up, a sad smile gracing his lips.

"I am sorry." I mumbled then beckoned the bartender to add a whole bottle. I needed to get drunk till I passed out.

"It's cool. I knew this was coming anyway. I mean the guy was ashamed of being seen with me in public. He didn't like seeing me in make up and wigs. There was this one time he told me to take off the dress I had worn because he  said only girls wear those. He made me question everything about my identity." He spilled, his eyes trained on his empty glass.

"That's fucked up." I commented, pouring a drink in my glass then his.

"Let's do a toast...to fucked up relationships." He raised his glass and I did the same. Our glasses collided mid air, resulting in a clanking noise. We then  downed the drinks.

"I don't know why I was so desperate for his love. He is a piece of dog shit. He can go ahead and marry his perfect little missy. I don't need his or anyone's approval. I am enough." He ranted then downed another glass.

"Anyway, what's your story? Why are you here drinking like a fish?" He addressed me.

I let out a deep sigh then spoke, "My boyfriend broke up with me." The words felt foreign coming out of my mouth. Unbelievable even. Just a few hours ago he was my boyfriend and now he's not.

"Shit. "

"Yeah and it was all my fault. I cheated on him." I spilled.

"Fuck."

"Indeed." I mumbled.

"I mean why did you cheat on him?" He pried.

"Because I'm a moron who sabotaged the only good thing in his life." I retorted, taking a sip of my drink. Bebe's Sabotage was playing in the background, mirroring my current state.

"You know, I was happy. I actually got to know what real happiness tastes like. Then just like that, I lost him. And now here I am drinking myself probably to death. I deserve every horrible shit coming my way. Because I am a terrible person." I spoke and the guy listened attentively, not daring to interrupt.

"He is too good for me. He doesn't deserve the shit I put him through. I am a fucking idiot." I revealed, tears filling up my eyes and without notice, flowing freely down my cheeks.

"Here." He handed me a handkerchief and I took it.

"Thanks." I dessicated tears from my eyes and cheeks.

I was returning it to him when he halted me. "No. You can keep it. I have a feeling that you'll need it way more than me." He said. "My name's Brianna by the way."

"Brianna?" Puzzlement settled on my face.

"Yes. I am trans so I identify as female even though I was born male." Brianna explained.

"Okay. Umm... I'm sorry I thought you were a guy. Fuck." I sent an apology her way. Wait, which pronouns should I use?

"It's okay. You are not the first person I have met that got confused by my identity. And if you are wondering about the pronouns to use, she/her is totally fine." Brianna smilingly stated.

"Okay." I said.

"I didn't catch your name by the way."

"Gavin." I blurted.

"Nice to meet you, Gavin." She said extending her hand for a shake and I reciprocated by engulfing her slim manicured hand with mine. Her hands were soft and warm.

"You have rough hands. I like it." She threw a compliment my way.

"Thanks...I guess." I released a small smile.

"Know what would make this shitty night better?" She yelled over the loud K-pop music that was currently playing.

"No." I yelled back, watching as she searched for something in her purse.

"These!" She waved a small transparent packet with a couple of pills in it.

"What are those for?" I inquired, curiosity getting the better of me.

"To loosen up. Don't worry they are completely harmless. Want one?" She inquired, an expectant look smeared on her face.

I have only smoked recreational weed. Being a sportsperson, taking hard drugs/pills is a big fat no. But tonight I needed to forget the shitty events that had transpired. The alcohol clearly wasn't working.

"Yes. I want one." I made the decision.

"Open up." She instructed and I complied. She placed the small pill on my tongue then did the same for herself. I swallowed the pill and waited for something to happen...anything.

Nothing was happening.

"I don't feel anything." I said.

"Don't worry it will kick in, in a few." She responded, excitement dripping in her voice.

"Okay. So should I just sit and wait?"

"You know what? How about we dance as we wait?" She inquired getting up from her stool and reaching out for my hand.

"I don't know how to dance." I protested.

"I'll teach you." She yelled over BTS' Butter that was currently booming in the club. She led me to the crowded dancefloor, swaying her round hips to the catchy cadence of the song.

When we got to the dance floor, she started dancing. Throwing her hands in the air, whining her waist and shaking her butt to the rythm. I stood there like a robot, watching her and admiring her moves.

"Come on. Dance." She pleaded, taking my hands in hers.

"I told you, I am not a good dancer." I retorted.

"Follow my lead, yeah?" She said and I nodded.

I mimicked her moves while dancing to the song. Then, the pill kicked in making me feel like I was floating on clouds. I couldn't stop giggling and for the first time that night, I felt so...free and happy.

"You feelin' it?" She yelled over the music while we were dancing. She laughed, prompting me to laugh along.

"Yes. I'm loving it." I excitedly yelled back, enjoying the music and the pill that was currently doing wonders to my mind, body and soul.

She twerked to Todrick Hall's Dripeesha and I tried to mimic her moves but my ass was rigid. Couldn't twerk shit!

"This is how you do it. Start with the right cheek.." She gave me a twerk tutorial and I complied. By the end of the song, I could at least vibrate my ass. Didn't even know that was a thing.

We were laughing at something she had commented about her ex while slow dancing to some song, when suddenly, a guy grabbed Brianna's wig and pulled it off and tossed it on the ground.

"What the fuck is your problem?" She confronted the guy but he just smiled at her, exposing his stained and broken teeth.

"You are my problem fag. Are you even a girl or a guy?" He spat, hatred visible in his bulging eyes. I noticed that two other guys were with him.

"It's none of your fucking business. Now give me back my wig!" Briana demanded.

"Or what?" The yellow toothed guy mockingly inquired.

"Or I'll beat those yellow teeth out of your mouth." I spoke up, coming to her defence.

"Awww...another fag come to defend his mate?" His companion commented. He had a scar on his cheek and one of his eyes was missing.

"Give her back her wig." I made a demand, my fists balling at my sides. I was so ready to bash someone's head in. They chose the wrong night to get on my nerves.

"This wig?" One of the men picked the wig from the floor and spat on it.

Then the other two guys grabbed Brianna' and started tearing clothes from her body.

"Let's see if she has boobs." One of the men laughingly stated while ripping her shirt.

"Leave me alone!" Brianna screamed, trying to wiggle from their hold.

Anger surfing through me, I scurried back to the bar and grabbed the half empty bottle of tequila and walked back to the dance floor. Using all my might I smashed the bottle on the yellow toothed guy's head. He groaned in pain, releasing his hold on Brianna. Seeing that his companion was hurt, the other guy fearfully let go of Brianna.

She kicked him on the groin, making him squirm while I handled the scar faced douche who had ripped Brianna's wig. I punched him hard on the face, pretty sure I broke his nose.

"Club fight!" Screams of excitement filled the air as everyone participated in the WWE action. Bottles of alcohol smashing on people's heads, furniture flying in the air among other commotion reigned the club. Not even the bouncers could put an end to the madness.

"Fuck. You. Fuck. You." Brianna yelled while kicking the yellow toothed guy who was lying on the ground, with her pointed heels.

I was straddling the scar faced mother fucker, punching him numerously on his already damaged face. Taking out all my frustrations on him.

Police sirens echoed outside the establishment.

"Cops!" A guy yelled, adding fuel to the commotion.

"Shit. We need to leave." Heavy pants gusting from her mouth, she proposed, stretching her hand out to me.

"Nobody move! Put your hands where we can see them!"

We were too late because the police immediately raided the place, arresting everyone in vicinity, including us. A female cop dragged us to the awaiting van.

Never thought a day would arrive when I would be handcuffed like some criminal. Why the fuck does my life suddenly feel like a lame investigative show?

This night couldn't get any fucking worse.

Fuck my life.

****

A/N

Gavin has been arrested lol. Could it be the universe punishing him for what he did to Carl? Also, gotta love Brianna. She's the first trans character I have ever written about. I hope that I nailed her character. That's her photo below.

I think the next chapter should be Carl's POV. Let's see how our Carlito is dealing with the break up.