It's been a while since I've updated this diary. I had really important exams coming up and used all my free time to study. Also, I got a lot closer to San. He introduced me to his group of friends and I introduced him to my guys. Since then, we all hang out together. I know, 15 is a lot of dudes, but at least it's not girls. By the way, there are two girls who I'm getting closer to. They aren't like other girls, I think, they're nicer. We have nicknames for each other, I call them Chungha noona and IU noona. The voices are telling me that they aren't really hanging out with me because of me, but because I'm friends with a lot of good looking guys, and I do their homework. I don't believe the voices though, I'm just doing the noonas a favor, because they don't have time for doing their homework themselves. Actually, they're trainees! How cool is that? Anyways, these last two weeks, the dreams always ended with someone yelling my name. It's always the same person, their voice sounds familiar but I can't recall who it is. I don't even know if they're female or male. The voices in my head are harsher than ever and even though I know that they want the best for me and that they're right, it still hurts. I don't really want to complain though, their methods are working, I'm getting thinner. So anyways, in today's dream I hung myself with my favorite belt. Weird, I guess.

"Wakey, wakey! It's time to wake up! Don't wanna be late today," my brother chants as he marches into my room, speaking with the deepest voice he can do and a broken English.

"Yup, too much Stray Kids for you," I state and get out of my bed. "But nice impression though, you just have to work on your pronunciation a bit and it'll be perfect. What are your plans for today?"

"Well, I'm meeting up with Seonghwa for the project we're working on. And after that, since it's Saturday, we're going to a bar with the guys."

"When will you ever let me go to a bar with you?," I ask while grabbing some clothes.

Oh, sweetie, you're precious. Like they would ever go to a bar with you.

"When you aren't a minor and a hot girl, that can't be left alone or creepy dudes will go after her, anymore. Now hurry, Yunho's already downstairs waiting for you."

He's just saying that because he doesn't want to hurt your feelings.

***

"There you are! You ready to go?," Yunho asks me. 

"Yup."

"Are you sure? Do you have your bag? Wallet? Keys?"

"Yes, I'm sure Yunho."

"Phone? Headset?"

"Shoot! Forgot my headset!" I run upstairs again to get it. Yunho's right, I almost always forget something when we go to the studio. 

I practically fly down the stairs and halt infront of my dance-buddy, catching my breath. But before I can say that we can go, I begin to feel dizzy. Little black dots enter my vision until I don't see anyithing else than the darkness.

"MIn?"

The darkness begins to spin and I grab something to not fall over. Slowly, I get my vision back and I'm faced with Yunho's concerned expression. Only now do I realize that I am holding onto his upper arm.

"MIn? Are you okay?," he asks. 

"Everything alright here?"

I look over Yunho's shoulder and see my brother standing in the door, a confused look spread over his face.

I breathe in deeply before letting go of Yunho's arm and bending down to pick up my bag.

"Yeah, I'm fine," I answer both boys. I go to the front door and open it, stepping outside.

"You comin'?"

"Uhm, uh, yeah, yup," Yunho responds.

***

(G)-Idle's Oh My God starts playing through the speakers and Yunho and I begin to warm up. 

"You know, we could learn the choreo to this song," I say while stretching my left leg.

"Yeah, good idea. Although, we could do an own choreo too, you know. Something with more twerking." Yunho slut drops, only to twerk on the floor.

I facepalm. "Why am I friends with you again? But it's not a bad idea, we could do a choreography. Ooooh, what if we begin with something like this?" I show him what I have in mind. 

"Hmm, that's great, but I don't think this would be good for the beginning."

"What, you want to open with a twerk? You do realize that that doesn't fit with the music."

"Whaaat? We could do a slow twerk. Like this." Yunho begins to move his ass up and down slowly while humming the beginning of the song.

I burst out laughing. "You look like an old seal trying to move on land," I choke out as I'm catching my breath.

"Hey! You do it better!"

***

"You want something from the vending machine?," Yunho asks. We have been dancing for three hours straight now, and we've already put together half of our choreo. At Yunho's question I tense up.

"Just a water for me please," I answer.

"Seriously? You didn't have breakfast though, aren't you starving by now?"

"Nah, I'm fine, really. Just water's enough."

The boy just shrugs and leaves the room.

There's still music blasting through the speakers, wich means that I don't have to listen to the voices in my head. I'm sure they would be mocking me right now. 

A deep sigh leaves my lips and I drop to the floor. I close my eyes for a moment and try not to fall asleep. The lack of sleep has been showing lately, I'm constantly tired.

"I'm back! I know you said you don't want anything to eat, but I got you some chips, just in case." I sit up and see Yunho trying to balance all the snacks in his hands. He comes to me and drops a bottle of water and two small bags of chips infront of me. 

My mouth waters at the sight of the food. I know I shouldn't eat... but how long has it been since I had chips? 

No, I mustn't eat. I grab the water bottle and chug down half of it's content.

"Woah, you sure are thirsty," Yunho comments. I nod as an answer and try not to look at the snacks infront of me.

But they look so tastyyyyy. 

Maybe just one piece. That wouldn't be that much of a problem, right?

I hesitantly grab one of the bags and open it.

"I thought you weren't hungry," my friend teases, but I don't hear him. I am focusing on something much more important.

Food.

The unholy smell of chips hits my nose and I feel my knees go weak. I pull a piece out of the bag and put it into my mouth. 

I almost moan when I taste the snack. "God, these are amazing," I say as I reach into the bag again and pull out a handful.

"They really are," Yunho answers and gets up, gathering his snacks. "Be right back, Mark hyung just texted me that he's here too, I'm gonna go find'em." Mark is one of San's friends, he's Jackson's boyfriend. He also comes to the studio often

I'm too busy with eating instead of answering. Before I know, I've finished the first bag and move on to the next one. I'm half through the second bag when the music that was playing until now suddenly stops. The playlist must've come to an end.

What the hell are you doing??!! You are ruining everything!! Why the fuck do you think you have the right to eat?? And chips? Seriously??, a voice yells.

I look at my greasy hands and the bag of chips in my hand. 

"You're right. I-...I'm disgusting," I whisper.

Thank you!! And now you better get rid of these calories you just ate!

"H-how?"

H-how?, the voice mocks me. With puking, of course! Now get you're damn ass up and go get these chips out of yourself!

I get up and throw the bag of chips away from me. Tears start to flow down my cheeks and I wipe them off with the back of my hand. 

***

I flush the toilet and get up from my knees. There's a weird after taste in my mouth, I try to get it out with drinking some water at the sinks. I get out of the ladies room and head back to the practice room me and Yunho were in before.

I go into the room and stop in the middle of it. I look at myself in the mirror.

Wtf? You look uglier than usual, I didn't think that's possible.

It's true, I look extremely ugly today in the oversized shirt and sweat pants. My face is extremly pale, the bags under my eyes are dark purple and I literally look like a zombie.

You're ugly. Ugly, ugly, ugly.

All of the voices begin to chant the same word over and over again.

Ugly.

They're right, I am ugly. 

"I don't want to see you," I tell my reflection. 

"Then don't look at me," it answers.

Suddenly I hear a foreign voice. 

"Hey Mindae!"

I spin around and am met with Mark's smiling face.

I feel dizzy from the spinning and dots enter my vision. This time, I have nothing to hold onto and fall down to the floor. 

"I've been looking everywhere for you and Y-...Mindae!"

I hear footsteps.

The next moment when I am able to see again, I'm in Mark's arms.

"What the hell? Are you okay? Why did you faint?," he asks.

I scoot away from him. "I'm fine," I say and try to get up from the floor, but fall right back down. Mark hurries to my side and helps me up.

"What happened?"

A sigh escapes my lips. "Nothing, I'm fine."

"Why does your breath smell like that?"

Goddamn, my breath will give me away!

"Uh, no reason."

"Oh my god, were you puking?"

"N-no!"

Tell him that you got food poisoning. 

"I mean yes, I must've eaten something that gave me food poisoning. But I'm fine now, really."

Mark maintains eye contact for a few seconds before nodding and letting go of me.

"Could you do me a favor?," I ask.

"Sure."

"Please don't tell anyone about this."

"...kay," the boy answers hesitantly.

"Thanks. Yunho's looking for you by the way, I think he's downstairs."

Hii :]

Sorry for not updating for so long again:(( I'm having a major writer's block:/

I've been a littttle bit depressed lately and a lot of things happened in a really short time span, but I think I have most of it sorted out now and I hope I will write more in the future.

Anyways, please enjoy this slightly shorter chapter <3

Today's insider:

New York Shitty