Kakashi and I fell into something of a routine over the next couple of days. He would go to war meetings in the morning while I would do small missions around the village, my own training, or other tasks. I pointedly did not seek Aisa or my old team out. In the afternoon, we would train together as he casually recounted the war meetings I hadn't been able to attend, and I would spitball ideas while warming up with him.

I had almost attempted to gain an audience with Tsunade in order to reverse my demotion, but she was taking no requests: war was on the horizon, and other concerns were put on hold. My rank didn't matter in war. She knew my skills. I would be utilized.

Besides that, there was no real reason to try to regain my old rank anymore.

After training, we'd usually eat together, sometimes at restaurants, sometimes at his apartment; I was consistently surprised by his cooking abilities. Sometimes Kakashi would go back to meetings, and I would eat by myself, fall asleep in an empty apartment, wake up when he came home late at night—or, when particularly busy, early in the morning. I consistently failed to find the time to rent my own apartment, and he consistently failed to complain or put his foot down about me sleeping at his place. Sometimes, I would wake up from nightmares to find a glass of water next to me that wasn't there when I fell asleep.

It was an odd routine, but not an unwelcome one.

"Good!" Kakashi shouted from across the field. I pushed down a grin at the rare praise, panting and pushing back a few sweaty strands of hair that had fallen into my face. It had grown long enough for my to put the majority of it in a pony tail, but the pieces around my face were too short to stay put. "Do it again—try to extend the range, this time."

We were working on ninjutsu again, trying to figure out how to modify the hand signs or change my chakra output in order to compensate for missing and shortened fingers. The water dragon was neither particularly challenging or draining—it might have been for a genin, but despite my rank, I was not a genin—which made it perfect for my continued attempts at strengthening my ninjitsu.

I brought my hands up once again, tilting my fingers in a slightly different way, concentrating on the flow of chakra. This time, the water dragon managed to reach Kakashi and beyond; he jumped out of the way and it followed, and followed again, and finally he met it with an earth wall. The dragon managed to make a dent against the wall as it dispelled itself against it. I lowered my hands, pleased with my progress but wishing it was more, wishing we could work longer. Kakashi was adamant about not overworking myself before the war, however. We had to be ready at all times. Just in case.

Just as I'd predicted, Kakashi straightened after lowering the wall. "That's good enough for today, I think," he called out.

I also straightened, walking over to the boulders I'd set my water next to and guzzling it down. Kakashi joined me, pulling out his book and leaning against the stones. "My little genin, growing up so fast," he teased. "You'd almost think you were a jonin with how fast you're picking up these ninjutsu."

"Hilarious," I deadpanned, picking up some shurikan from the ground.

Kakashi chuckled, holding out his hand and accepting the shurikan I'd gathered. "What do you want for dinner tonight?" He invited.

"I can cook," I offered casually. He'd let me stay in his apartment, made larger meals for my portion, gave me information on war meetings. The least I could do was make some dinner occasionally. "I bought some groceries this morning with a little of the mission money I've been making."

He gave me his infamous one-eyed smile, reaching out and placing a hand in my head, which I'd long since given up in avoiding. "That sounds good," he agreed. "What are you planning on making?"

I gathered my kunai from the targets, running a thumb along one nicked edge and noting they needed sharpening. "You actually had most of the ingredients for hitsumabushi," I informed him. "So I just picked up some eel to grill and some wasabi paste, because you were running low, and fresh spring onions." I turned back, suddenly unsure. "Is that okay? I don't know if you're allergic to anything, or like eel, but I assumed—"

"That sounds delicious," he interrupted. "Thank you."

"Whatever," I muttered. "It's no big deal; I like cooking."

"Sure, sure," Kakashi agreed genially, waving me off. Done gathering our possessions, we turned and left the training ground together. "I think Tsunade will be declaring another meeting with them five Kage again to share information," Kakashi mused.

"I assumed so," I replied. "There's only so much each village will be able to do on its own."

Kakashi made a sound of agreement. "I might have to go with her," he warned. "But you're progressing well with ninjutsu. I'm going to give you some books to read. About strategy."

I gave him a dry look. "Shikamaru and I are your best strategists already," I said. "What's a book going to teach me? I've probably already read it, and if not, I've probably experienced enough to have figured out whatever is written inside."

"You haven't been to war, Cashile," Kakashi told me quietly. His eyes are distanced, and I hesitated, almost apologized, then simply acquiesced silently. "It's not the same as a solo mission fight, or a team fight, or even battalions clashing. The closest you've experienced was the Clawing of Konoha, and that was still just a simple assault. War is bigger than that, and sometimes there's no good strategy for getting everyone out alive. Sometimes the strategy is to not get everyone out alive. You lose one one front to gain on another, and entire sections can crumble because of one scared ninja fleeing. You haven't been to war," he repeated. "But I'm doing my best to prepare you."

"Almost all the ninjutsu you've taught me has been long range," I observed.

"There will be times when you're surrounded and overwhelmed. If you can use a water dragon to surround you and push out, and gain some breathing room, it can give you a moment to catch your bearings," he answered.

I walked silently for a few more moments, thinking. "Why do you want me to read these books?"

"To prepare you," he answered the obvious. "And my own notes have been added. And chances are, at some point in this war, it'll be you people turn to for command. I just want to make sure you're ready."

I just want to give you the best chance of survival against unlikely odds, he did not say. I didn't say anything either. We walked in silence.

***

"You know, Cashile," Kakashi said, adding the stock to his third serving of hitsumabushi and reaching to add a generous portion of wasabi paste. He offered it to me once he was done, and I took it, handing him the spring onions in turn. "You don't have to keep sleeping on my kitchen floor. It's basically just a walk in closet, but I can clear out the storage room. There's not much in there to start with, and there's more than enough room for a futon and bedside table."

I froze, grilled eel halfway to my mouth. Kakashi didn't look toward me, busying himself with his food. "This is your apartment," I pointed out stupidly.

Kakashi gave me a look, but didn't comment on the obviousness of my words. "I can't help but notice you haven't made any moves toward getting your own apartment," he replied. "There's room here, and we're both busy preparing for a war. You can worry about moving after the war."

It was my turn to not comment on the idiotic optimism of that last sentence. Assuming we'd win, assuming we'd survive, assuming the war would end.

"I like living by myself," I told him, saying all the right, polite words. "I don't want to commit to this, I've just been...I want to keep my options open, but I want my own apartment, not to outstay my welcome here and take advantage of your hospitality."

"Then why haven't you gotten a new apartment?" Kakashi pressed.

Because I didn't want to get my own, empty apartment that would never be home. Suddenly noticing the tremor in my fingers, I reached for my glass of water, took a sip, set it down, suppressing the flash of Aiden, then of Aisa. Where was he living? By himself? Was he eating anything other than ramen? I promised Aid—

Kakashi hesitated, but then asked, "What about that boy? The young one, the brother, your student—"

"He's not my student!" I snapped, slamming my chopsticks down. "I'm a genin, not a jonin sensei, though how it keeps escaping your notice I don't know!"

Kakashi watched me, and he knew exactly what he was doing, the goddamned nosy bastard. "Of course," he replied. "Right. You don't have your team under your official control anymore. Who's teaching them?"

"No one," I grumbled, pushing down the flash of possessive irritation that flashed through me at the mere thought of some idiotic jonin ruining my team. My old team. "Apparently I trained them up too well. They do missions on their own and occasionally meet up with a free jonin or genin team to train."

"So they don't train with you? You haven't been doing missions with them in the morning?"

"No," I repeated. "Genin."

"Unofficially, I mean," Kakashi pressed, even though he knew the answer. I refused to play along, aggressively stabbing my chopsticks into my rice, breaking it up and allowing the stock to fully soak through. "The kid, the brother," Kakashi continued, ignoring my tense shoulders and stony face. "Where is he staying?"

"Hell if I know, he's being a child and giving me the silent treatment." I rolled my eyes, trying to hide the hurt.

"Cashile, he is a child."

"Aisa's a genin," I retorted. "He is legally an adult."

Kakashi sighed, loud and long, and sat back in his seat. I shifted uncomfortably, wishing desperately for the awkward air of this conversation to be over. "Why is he giving you the...silent treatment?"

"I don't fucking know," I answered. "I come back and he won't even look at me, fucking punches me before I've gotten two words out. I went to go talk to him after giving him the night to think things over rationally but Kento acted like some kind of guard dog, wouldn't even let me see him."

Kakashi was silent for almost a minute, parsing through all that was said and all that was left unsaid. Finally he sat up, leaning forward, trying to catch my eye. "Cashile," Kakashi said slowly. "Cashile, have you apologized to Aisa?"

My eyes cut away before snapping back to him, hiding the weakness. I gathered myself defensively. "Apologize for what, exactly? Cutting the heads off the organization that killed his brother? Doing what had to be done? Protecting him like Aid..." I choked up, swiped at my eyes so hard it was almost like being punched in the face. "For protecting him?"

"No," he said gently. "For leaving him."

"I didn't...." I trailed off, hesitated. "I mean, I came back. What was I supposed to do, take a fucking genin with me?"

Kakashi's eyes were full of awful understanding. "You shouldn't have left in the first place."

There was a tense moment, then, with an almost violent slump of my shoulders, the tension was replaced with weight dragging me down, down, down. "I—he—" my throat tightened until it felt like I was choking. "He—he—he made me promise and I—"

I fully choked, coughed desperately, reached for my water only to knock it over. "Fuck, I'm—sorry," I forced out Kakashi was already standing, walking quickly but not urgently to pick up the glass and set a towel on the spill. Then he touched my shoulder, and when I didn't knock his hand away he pulled me up, guided my to the futon, sat me down.

"It's alright, Cashile," he told me soothingly. I held back a dry sob, my eyes hot but no tears falling, cheeks burning, fingertips cold stomach churning until I felt nauseous and I hated every single humiliating second of this. "Try to take deep breaths. I'm going to make some tea, but I can count if that helps."

I wondered how many times he had talked other ninja through panic attacks, anxiety, these brief moments of overwhelming feeling that should just be locked away. He was an Anbu captain, at some point. He was comfortable in this role, not worried, not trying to fix something that could not be fixed. "I know how to breathe," I snapped, words coming out half strangled. I was breathing, I was fine. It was just too much and more of my breaths were hitched in and stuttering than actual breaths.

Kakashi didn't call me on it. Instead, he nodded, took a step back, and walked back around the counter to put the kettle on. Everything he did was rhythmic, and as he waited for the water to boil, he began tapping his fingers steadily on the counter. I matched my breathing to it. He didn't count. He just tapped away steadily.

He poured and steeped the tea, came around and handed me the searing hot cup, pressing it groundingly into my fingers. "I'm going to go sweep out the storage room," he informed me. "And before we leave for war, you're going to talk to Aisa."

He left, and soon the sounds of—rhythmic—sweeping reached my ears. I pressed my lips together. I did not cry. I drank the tea before it grew cold.

_______________________________

Kakashi: kid do you wanna go to McDonald's for dinner

Cashile: there's food at home

Hahaha whoops that was a long time between updates

But at least I'm not dead right? Which isn't funny because in this day and age that was like a real possibility oof fuck you 2020

Lots of things have changed lots of pressure (I'm graduating at the end of this week??? A semester early?????? What? I need a job.) but here I am still writing and will try to write more frequently, especially after graduation (this week???!????) if y'all know jobs I need one. I need money. So much. I'm screaming

Anyhow been writing so much outside of this my brain feels like goop. I don't even know what I wrote for my polisci paper the other night it was a fucking mess (update from future got a 91 on it suck my dick polisci) but I'm also writing fun hard essays for creative writing I want to get published I want to write an essay collection but I cannot write why won't these litmags take any of my essay ahhhhh

I hope everything is going well for everyone and we all make it to 2021 and beyond. Again, it might take some time (hopefully less now that I won't have essays to write constantly for school) but this fanfiction WILL be finished. I mean we're almost to the war right now so we are in the final stretch.

Thanks for sticking with this fanfic!

Make sure to comment!!!

Insomnic_Lullabies