Chapter 15: The Five Stages of Grief

"W-what?"

That was the only word John B could muster before his vision fell out of focus. He could just barely register CJ calling his name, felt her hands pressed to his chest and back as she guided his falling body to the pull-out. Everything seemed like it was underwater and he glanced around in a panic, searching for something familiar. When his gaze landed on CJ's worried and devastated eyes, he fixated on her. It was easier to feel her hands now, pressed in between his own as she crouched in front of him. He squeezed tightly and she let him, even though in his inebriated state, it was much tighter than he believed.

It took a few moments before his hearing cleared up, able to hear JJ telling Peterkin that there had to be a mistake. He knew that as much as all of them wanted that to be true, there was only one person on the island that wore those glasses. Peterkin wouldn't be here if she wasn't sure.

"I'm afraid there's no mistake. I found and ID'd him myself."

"I want to see him." John B called, his entire body tensing so hard he began to shake. He was staring blankly in front of him - at CJ's hair - so many thoughts whirling through his head with too little time. This wasn't happening. His dad wasn't dead.

"I can't do that, John B." Before the Pogue could protest, his head having snapped in her direction, the sheriff explained. "His body...it got thrown around in the hurricane. Sustained a lot more damage than the wound that killed him. I brought a picture, so you could see his face, but I simply can't condone a sixteen-year-old boy seeing his father that way. I wouldn't even show you this if I didn't think you needed to see it."

Holding the boy's gaze for a moment, John B's turned glazed once again before he nodded, almost robotically. Reaching into one of the files, she pulled out the still. She faltered for a moment, hating every part of this, before handing it over.

John B just held it for a moment. It was flipped slightly to the side so that he could see the colors on one side but not the entire picture. He breathed in deeply while CJ rubbed his knee, the girl full of worry as guilt and tears built up in her throat. She knew she had no reason to feel guilty, but once again the fleeting thought passed through her brain that things would be so much better if it was Luke Maybank instead of Big John. He didn't deserve this and neither did his son.

When he found the strength within himself to do so, the Routledge boy flipped the photo over. There, was his father, his face papery and sunken in. The man had started decomposing, something John B already knew, and it made him sick. There were cuts all over his face and he could tell pieces of his father's hair were missing. He could just barely see a hole where something had stabbed into the base of his throat.

This was real.

Becoming choked up, John B's head fell and his lip trembled as a small whimper fell from his lips. His hand dropped, moving the photo so that he couldn't see it but CJ could. The girl's breath trembled from her mouth and she couldn't tear her gaze from the picture as tears filled her eyes.

When John B looked back up, his eyes were glassy. A single tear fell from his eye and his lower lip wouldn't stop trembling. His hold on CJ was so tight; it was the only thing keeping him sane. "What happened?"

Peterkin took a deep breath, looking at the boy sadly before explaining. "We went out to one of the uninhabited islands out of OBX working on a case. We found him there, by a structure we think he built to try and protect himself. He was hit over the head by something, or fell and hit his head. We believe he became stranded at sea and washed up on shore."

"So- so, he was alive?" John B sniffled. He couldn't believe this was happening. "He could've been saved?"

Peterkin gave a weary sigh, tapping the files she still had to her legs. "Theoretically, yes. If there had been another boat or a helicopter that passed by and saw him, he could've been picked up. But, it may not have helped."

"What do you mean?" JJ questioned, his arms now crossed tightly over his chest as he tried to hide his emotions from the world.

"He- he didn't die from dehydration. He had a brain aneurism, most likely caused by his head injury. Even if he had been rescued, chances are he would've died in the hospital."

A small sob left John B's mouth and he dropped the picture and one of CJ's hands to press his own to his face. This was his worst nightmare and knowing his father would've died anyway didn't help at all. At least then he could've seen him. He could've said goodbye. Instead, now all he had was a house full of memories and a twist in his gut because the last memory he had of his father wasn't a good one.

"I'm sorry, John. Truly, I wish it hadn't turned out like this. Your father was a good man." Peterkin said as another heavy sigh fell from her lips. Holding out the files, not necessarily for anyone to grab but just to show, she continued talking. "These are all the things we still had in evidence from your father's study. We have copies of them all and I thought you might like them back."

Checking on him, CJ turned to look at Peterkin when it became obvious that her counterpart couldn't. Lunging lowly toward her, the girl kept her hand in her boyfriend's and used her other to grab the files. As soon as she got back to her original spot, John B looked up at her with such a devastated expression it made her heart twist. The tears that fell from his eyes made her own come out.

"Thank you." He squeaked, taking the files from CJ's hand to hold to his chest. Leaning forward, he pressed his head against hers. "If it's alright with you, I'd like it if we were left alone."

He couldn't see from his spot, especially with his eyes closed, but the sheriff nodded her head. "Alright." Inhaling sharply, her eyes sealed shut for a moment. "Look, I'm gonna give you some time to get your house in order. But I'm gonna have to call DCS. I'm sorry, John."

With that heartwrenching and anxiety-inducing statement, Peterkin left the home, being seen off by JJ who was having a hard time keeping himself together. Pope, who had been the least close to the man, was in tears on the bed, open-mouthed. The boy had always had such a big heart and he hated seeing his family in pain.

JJ began pacing while CJ and John B just stayed where they were. Every once in a while, shaky breathes and whimpers fell from the boy's lips and if you listened close enough, you could hear CJ whispering sweet words to try and console him. The two were both in tears and it seemed, when John B could no longer hold himself together, he shot up from the couch.

Sobbing, he ran, and before anyone could stop him, he had locked himself in his father's room. A banging came only seconds later and between the pain in his chest, the swimming in his ears, and the tears in his eyes, he couldn't tell who it was. He thought maybe he heard JJ yelling for him but then it was CJ and he figured his mind was simply playing tricks on him when the voice morphed into that of his father.

The poor boy leaned against the metal bed frame in front of him before he crumpled on the ground, curling in a ball next to the bed. He still had those files grasped firmly in his hands and he couldn't help but think that this was all his father's fault. If he hadn't gone out, he would still be here. His stupid obsession with something that probably didn't even exist.

He felt so bad for blaming his father and it just made more guilt stir in his gut, forcing more tears from his eyes. He knew he must've been making awful sounds - not to mention the fist he'd thrown into the floor - but he didn't register them and simply didn't care. How was he supposed to care when his father was gone?

From outside the room, CJ was still banging on the door, worried beyond belief for the boy she loved. She was yelling for him to open the door, to let her in, that they loved him so much. Tears were still streaming down her face and she seeled her eyes shut more than once, trying to keep it together. It was hard seeing as Big John had always been more of a father to her than her own.

Behind her, JJ was busy throwing something across the room. He was so angry and so he took it outside before he took it out on anyone else. Pope followed after him; a fatal mistake. But he made it anyway and the only reason he regretted it was the guilt that filled JJ's angry and distraught gaze when the boy lashed out and hit his best friend. JJ ran off after that, taking the dirtbike and racing off to a place where he knew he could lash out and hurt nobody but himself.

Pope didn't know what to do after he left so he went back inside. He went back inside and he sat with CJ in the hallway with his cheek throbbing. He sat there as her yells turned to sobs and she slid down to the floor, her hand dragging on the door. He moved closer and cradled her as she cried and tears ran down his face as the sounds from Big John's room became clearer. He sat there and he wondered if at the end of the day, any of them would be okay.

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CJ had finally gotten John B to let her in. It must've been hours later, after Pope had to leave, after her sobs turned to silent tears and the hiccups left her feeling sick. After she sat on the ground with tear streaks on her face, her ear pressed to the door just to try and make sure her boy was still breathing.

"If you don't let me in, I'll pick the lock." She'd said, fully intent on doing so. She knew he shouldn't be going through this alone, and furthermore, she couldn't fathom letting him. It had taken a minute or two, but that door had unlocked and revealed a worse for wear teenage boy, dried stains on his face simply being replaced by fresh tears.

The Maybank had rushed through that door, pulling him into his arms as he started sobbing again. She'd kicked the door shut behind them and led them to the bed where they laid down, his head on her chest. She thought she felt her heart physically break when the boy started silently praying for his father to come back. Wished that he could turn time back, make his father stay home.

Now, they were both sleeping, but it was anything but peaceful. Both of them had been rolling around all night, keeping close to one another with every shift. CJ kept waking in a panic, like her system was worried if she didn't check on John B, he would disappear. Now, the boy in question was whimpering, twisting violently as he shivered. CJ wasn't sure if it was one of those panic jolts that woke her or if it was him.

Sitting up quickly, the girl was quick to realize what was happening. It wasn't uncommon for her or her brother to have nightmares about their father, but she wasn't used to seeing John B like this. It made her still for a moment before she shot into action, taking his shoulders between her hands.

"Johnny." She said, shaking him lightly. "Baby, wake up."

John B made no such move and CJ whimpered as the boy's eyelids fluttered. Shaking him further, she hoped he wouldn't wake up like a veteran. "Honey, please. Wake up." His breathing stuttered but no other notion was made to show he was waking. She shook him harder, trying not to startle him. "Wake up."

That seemed to do the trick and John B jolted forward, sitting up so quickly he would've headbutted his girlfriend if she hadn't moved. He looked around in a panic, not sure where he was, before the surroundings became clearer. His breathing slowed down a bit as he met eyes with the only person he wanted to see right now - other than his father, which was impossible.

Lunging forward, he pulled her into a bone-crushing hug that she more than welcomed. Wrapping her arms around him, she pressed kisses to his head and rubbed his shoulder. The boy whimpered, holding tight to her flannel as the tears started back up.

"Do you wanna talk about it?"

John B shook his head and that was it, CJ didn't ask any more questions. She just sat there and let him cry, a few tears leaving her own eyes. She didn't say anything about how her back had started to hurt or how her leg was cramping up. She didn't say anything when John B moved, tugging her back to lay down. And she only told him she loved him when he laid on her chest and started tracing constellations on her stomach to distract himself.

"I don't think I ever told you why I call you star." He croaked, clearing his voice once he realized how sore his throat was. CJ just shook her head, waiting for him to continue. "It's like- it's stupid."

"It's not stupid. Nothing you say is stupid."

The quickness with which she responded made John B tear up and he nuzzled into her. "It- I dunno, you were just always my north star. Always guiding me home or back to sanity when I needed it. You gave me this safe haven even though your life was so much worse than mine." He told her and now she was the one tearing up. "And you just- you were - are - so beautiful and it reminds me of the stars. How no matter what, if they're out, you'll always end up looking at them. That's how it always was; no matter what was going on, I'd always end up staring at you. I'd find you, even in a crowd."

The conversation was helping and although he still felt fairly empty, the talk made his head feel less foggy and distressed. He liked talking about CJ, talking to her, talking with her. Everything about her just made things better and he was glad that while all of this was happening, he at least had her.

"That's so sweet." CJ got out, entirely choked up. The events of the day just made her even more emotional and a few tears fell down her cheeks as she played with John B's hair. "I suppose you know why I call you moony."

"'Cause I'm the moon to your stars?"

"Yeah, baby. Yeah, you are." She told him, smiling as much as she could with tears falling down her face. All John B could focus on was the pet name, melting into her until he thought they might actually meld.

They sat in silence for a little while after that, CJ just massaging his scalp while they both got lost in their thoughts. Eventually, John B became incredibly drowsy and started to fall asleep; CJ could tell by the way he grew heavier and his head lolled slightly. She wasn't sure if he even knew he said it, but he said one more thing before he closed his eyes 'till morning.

"At the end of the day, you're still here, and that's all that matters."

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IM BIG SAD OKAY BYE

~SiriusCatBennett