It's piling on, my own expectations meshed with those surrounding me.

I evaluate myself.

Was I good enough or did I fail? Somehow the answer in mind always seems to be the latter.

Why is it that I'm never satisfied? Never happy with the results? Yet I never follow through to 'improve'.

I am to blame.

But I'm just tired. Tired of waiting for something. Something that will fill the whole.

You're probably wondering, 'why am I even reading this?' I don't know.

I do know why I read, it's an escape. I just focus on somebody else's problems and life.

I have learnt the hard way that books and reality are not the same. No vampire or werewolf will just knock on my door, I am clumsy but not to an extent where I 'd fall in some prince charming's arms. No major traumatic experience. In a way, some people would say I'm lucky.

Am I?

There's this quote 'Les gens qui sont heureux n'ont pas d'histoire.' in French that particularly resonates within.

'People who are happy don't have a story.'

What if I want a story? Do I need to be miserable in order to have one or will my monotonous existence on this planet be forgotten as soon as I die?

I have a really bad habit, I bite my nails. I do it subconsciously. The consequence of my own brain worrying over every little, unimportant thing.

What should I do? When I'm stuck trying to answer the old age question. 'Who am I?'

----Queue the unceasable nail biting.------

For now, I'll just continue staring aimlessly at the clock on the wall and say

I'm Ellie.

That, I know, will never change.

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Hope you guys liked it. If it resembles any real-life situation that is purely a coincidence.

LOTS of LOVE

Laeyua

If you are having troubles don't hesitate to reach out. Help is never far away.