Cassana

With tears blurring my vision without warning I push open the door to my mothers chambers only to be stopped in my tracks as I find her in my uncles arms.

"Mother," I say shakily and she jumps away from him a little too quickly.

"I didn't hear you come in," she laughs breathlessly as she composes herself but I don't miss the look her and Jaime share. The same look they shared in Winterfell.

"Cassana," Jaime greets calmly and after a moment of awkward silence he dismisses himself.

"Are you alright?" my mother asks as she sees the look on my face, pure shock from both the letter and what I just walked in on. "Cassana?" she asks uncertainly and I quickly try to compose myself as I silently hand her the letter.

I avert my gaze from her and try my best to push the suspicions from my mind. There is only one Lannister I want to deal with right now.

"He's disappointed in you," she sighs heavily as she reads over it "It seems you truly are a Lannister now."

"He also wants Pycelle to inspect me," I tell her and as expected her eyes burn. She is the one person who would put a stop to it, who would protect me.

"I will not let him touch you," she says fiercely "I will tell my father that the inspection was carried out and Pycelle will remain quiet."

"Thank you."

Yet she still looks at my stomach "Now, are you-"

"It's not true," I promise her, wishing that someone would just believe me "I meant it. I'm not pregnant."

She still looks doubtful "Cassana I'm not a fool, I was young once as well. If the boy got you pregnant-"

"He didn't!" I insist and after a moment of hesitation I confess "I drank moon tea. I made sure that didn't happen."

She looks me in the eye and although it's clear she's disappointed there's something else. She knows I'm a woman now, no longer her little girl. Then again, was I ever her little girl?

"I see," she says more calmly than I expected but her voice turns cold as she asks "Did he ever force you-?"

"No," I answer firmly knowing that neither Jon or Robb would ever do such a thing. "Never, he's a good man. An honourable man. I did it because I love him, not because I wanted to act like a harlot as my grandfather called me or a common whore as you have."

Guilt fills her eyes and she nods in understanding "Well I suppose I shouldn't be surprised, you've never been a proper little lady, you're not just your fathers daughter but you're also my daughter-" she begins before cutting herself off but I find myself wondering if she's not as innocent as everyone thinks, and the fact no one thinks she's anywhere close to innocent only concerns me more.

"No I'm not a proper little lady, I'm not an empty-headed pretty face that recites poetry like a songbird. You never were either and I may be your daughter, but I am also my fathers daughter."

She raises an eyebrow. "And what do you mean by that."

"My father led a rebellion and overthrew the Mad King, do not think that I do not have his blood in my veins for I am capable of just as much as he is, but unlike him I don't plan to sit on my ass drinking and whoring myself to death."

Her eyes are proud but also fearful "Then what is it you plan on?"

The words fall off my tongue before I can stop them "I do not want to be a proper little lady obediently managing my husbands household. That is not me and you know it."

"Say it," she encourages but she's also hesitant. "Do not lie to yourself."

"I want it," I confess painfully as I force myself to face it, to truly face it. "You know it. Father knows it. Everyone fucking knows it and everyone knows it should be me sitting there, even now."

She doesn't need to say anything for me to know that she agrees but even so she says "You're right. You were always the one who was suited for it but Joffrey is the heir."

"He doesn't have to be," I tell her. "The Targaryens made the law that the throne goes to the first male heir but the Targaryens are gone. Why can't we change it, why can't it be the firstborn who rules regardless of sex?"

She laughs sadly "We live in a mans world darling. If you tried to claim the throne gods know what Joffrey would do, even if your brothers would accept it your uncle Stannis would say that he has a better claim."

"It would begin a war," I realise. Joffrey may not care for actually ruling but just as I have, he has grown up believing the throne to be his by right. If I tried to take it from him there would indeed be a war.

"If I was a man I would have been as great as my father but it is my greatest misfortune that I was born a woman," she tells me. "My entire life I've been jealous of Jaime, he never cared for the family legacy or for anything beyond his sword, I should have been the heir not him. Just like you and Joffrey. Yet I found power through different means, I could not be heir so I became queen."

"I am neither the heir nor will I ever be a queen," I remind her bitterly. "I fell in love with a man I will never marry. I wasn't born to be obedient and powerless next to my husband, I was born to rule."

I have never said the words so plainly but they are the only certainty I know. As I meet her eyes I know she is afraid and perhaps she should be.

"You love the boy," she begins carefully. "He will treat you kindly and I suspect you already have him wrapped around your finger. Rule the North."

I could almost laugh. She was so determined to get me away from him and the North but now that she's finally realised what she raised, she wants me gone. Mine and Jon's affair is known of, it is only a matter of time before it slips out.

"The one I love will never rule the North," I tell her and she realises the truth. "Why do you think I left so easily?"

When I returned I vowed to show them all what I am capable of and now she has finally realised I am a threat.

"You fell in love and gave your maiden head to a bastard?"

"Yes," I answer, giving no further explanation, I owe her none. "Now, how do I put an end to this?"

She takes a drink and answers. "What are you willing to do?"

For Jon, to keep him safe, anything.

"I warned her and she ignored that warning. If my grandfather wants to accuse me of tarnishing the Lannister name then I will do what he would. Show no mercy."

Her voice is thick with pride as she breathes "You are my daughter." She refills her glass as I look over her shoulder, my eyes settling on the messed bed and displaced pillows, leaving a sick feeling in my stomach. "After the handmaiden is dealt with then I will speak to my father. I will make sure he knows that it was your orders."

"Dealt with?" I ask knowing just what she means, when I said without mercy I didn't mean like this. Shamed perhaps but not this.

"Is that what you wish for?" she asks carefully. "What are your orders?"

It's a decision I naively never thought I would be faced with and I know it is a decision that cannot be unmade.

"I don't want to be a killer," I say however the words don't feel completely true to me. I've never flinched at death, I've thought of it as a necessary evil. I've never had a romanticised idea of right and wrong, I know honour gets you killed and only the merciless survive. It's the brutal truth of the world.

"You are a Lannister," she firmly reminds me. "You cannot let anyone dare think they can threaten you. For if one person can then so can others and you will never be safe or command respect."

A name cannot command respect. Money cannot command respect. Respect can't even claim true respect. Fear is how Lannister's claim respect. Not love, not honour. Fear.

I am a woman who many see as little more than a spoiled child and others as the embodiment of the obedient daughter and perfect little lady. Although I do have the love of many I do not have their respect. If I wish to be respected then that must change. Nnow I must face the side of myself that I've always run from, always tried to deny.

Whether I give the orders or not my mother will have her killed, I could order a whipping but she would disappear soon after. I don't want to do this, I don't want to be this type of ruler. But I know no matter what I say, she will be killed. And it's Jon's life at stake, just as Tyrion warned me so long ago. There's a sharp pain in my chest as I can feel part of the innocent girl I was die when I order "Make it quick, but let it be known why it was done. That she was the one who began the rumour to threaten the Princess of the Seven Kingdoms. That the same fate shall befall others who threaten me."

She nods her head approvingly "You're a woman now Cassana, its time that you know what power truly is. It is ripping out any threats root and stem before they become weeds that strangle you in your sleep."

I nod pouring myself a glass of wine as a certain memory comes to mind.

'They already suspect us for Jon Arryn'

After a moment of heavy contemplation I ask "Was Jon Arryn one of those weeds?"

She's certainly caught off guard. "Why would you ask that?" she asks defensively but I'm not interrogating her, nor accusing her. I simply want to know the truth. I'm tired of denying that the Lannisters are my blood, of being on the outside looking in. I always wanted no part in any of this but if I want to protect myself, if I want to know the truth, I have to. It's time to play my part.

"He was obviously poisoned," I say recalling both Tyrion's fears and the quickness of his fever, from the look on her face she knows it too. "Tyrion believed that our family may be accused of it."

"He was a weed," she admits. "But I wasn't the one who ripped him out."

"Then who?" I ask but it's clear that she's just as clueless as I am, and that frightens her.

"I don't know," she confesses "But he needed to be rid of."

"Why's that?" I ask making sure to only come off as curious and not suspicious.

'Don't you worry yourself with that," she dismisses, deflecting my questions again as she continues. "He was just digging around in things that weren't his business but, that isn't important, I want to talk about these Stark boys."

I take a drink preparing myself for the worst "What about them?"

She takes my hand in hers as she tells me "The more people you love the weaker you are. You'll do things for them that you know you shouldn't do. Just as you are now. You'll act the fool to make them happy, to keep them safe. Love no one but your children, on that front a mother has no choice."

I don't realise I've teared up until I feel it spill over onto my cheek "How, how can I live without it now I've felt it?"

"Love is hard, love is difficult," she continues. "In the beginning it's exciting, passionate. You believe it will be that way forever but it won't be. How can love stay the same when people don't? You aren't the same girl you were when you left this city, by the time you see Robb next you will be a stranger to him and he to you. I can assure you that although you love the bastard now and he may love you that you will never see him again. And if you did marry Robb Stark, a day will come where you want to give it up. You might hate him with every piece of your heart or perhaps it will be the other way around. You will be stuck in Winterfell with him away from your family but by then you should have children, love them. Men will change and his affections will turn to others and if you still love him it will break your heart. You will be in love with the boy you met in Winterfell, a man who won't exist in a few years time, for the rest of your life if you hold onto it."

Despite how badly I want to argue I know she is only telling me a blunt truth.However my  thoughts aren't only on my relationship with Robb but my mothers with my father. She never loved him, then who did she love?

"Did you love someone before my father?" I ask carefully. "You said that you were my age once."

She's equally careful as she admits "I did. However he loved me more than I loved him, I was meant to marry Rhaegar Targaryen but then your father killed him so I was sold to him instead. That man would have done anything to stay with me but I knew that I had a duty and I became queen."

"Did you still love him?"

"Yes," she answers surprisingly honestly. "While I started a new life he never moved on, to this day he's never married. This is why I tell you that love is a weakness. If I had chosen him then I would have never become queen and you would have never been born. Remember that you do things for those you love that you shouldn't do, you act the fool to make them happy, to keep them safe."

"I already have," I realise. I certainly played the fool in Winterfell and I still am. Except I'm not playing the fool to keep him happy or safe, but to keep my family safe. And as Tyrion asked I'll continue playing the fool to keep them safe. This is the part I have to play to prevent a war, the fool.

~

That night I lay in bed but I cannot sleep. Fear keeps me awake as well as guilt. It may not be by my hands but the girl will die by my orders. Now I wait to hear word from my mother that I am a killer. This is the dark truth of power, ripping your enemies out root and stem before they can strangle you in your sleep.

Yet I still feel as if those weeds are wrapped tightly around my throat, dripping with blood. Whether it is my own or someone else's I do not know.

My heart aches as my mothers words only become more true. 'You will do things for them that you know you shouldn't do.'

Yet he may just be the only thing keeping my heart from turning to stone, keeping who I am alive. I do not want to lose myself entirely, to become what I've always hated. Yet I fear it's inevitable.

Climbing out of bed I pull out Jon's cloak and bury my face it in, breathing in his scent which still lingers faintly. Tears wet the dark fabric as I curl up in bed clutching it tightly as if I could make him appear if only I held it tightly enough. My only anchor as I feel myself slipping away, if I lose myself then I know I will lose him.

My silent tears turn into sobs muffled by the fabric of the cloak as I finally let myself feel the pain I've been burying since the moment I left Winterfell. Gods what would he say if he was here? He'd hardly recognise me, if he knew what I've ordered he would be horrified but he doesn't understand, he could never understand. I am a Lannister, I have to do this and put an end to those rumours otherwise my grandfather will do it himself and Jon and I will suffer greatly for it. 

I'm trembling as I realise those rumours may yet reach the North with the prisoners heading there via ship and if he hears them...

Jon

I write this late in the evening with your cloak wrapped around me as if it were you and all I wish is that you were here with me, or rather that I was with you, far away from this mess.

You need to hear this from me first. There are rumours that I am pregnant, they assume with Robb's child but some have figured out the truth about us. I am not pregnant, that I swear, but these rumours will reach you with the prisoners headed to the wall, and I could not let you believe it to be true. 

I'm afraid that I will lose myself, lose sight of what you helped me remember, and so I hold your memory as my anchor. I pray I was wrong about the wall, and that you are safe there, no matter how badly I wish you were here.

Cassana

A tear lips from my cheek onto the parchment and I kiss the drying ink, red from my lips leaving a mark on the paper which I roll and seal for Jon. I would not write something so treasonous if I didn't know someone who could ensure it is placed directly in his hand.

~

In the morning after a sleepless night I find Varys doing his usual stalking. I come to stand by his side as he watches Ned mount his horse. 

"I do wonder where he could be going?" Varys ponders aloud.

"I'm sure you have many little birds that can tell you in no time," I assure him before asking "Am I right in assuming you have some little birds at Winterfell, perhaps even the Wall."

"Yes, they came to be very useful while you were in the North, I happened to have one in the kitchens. I believe she saw you take a very interesting combination of herbs shortly before you left."

I suppose I shouldn't be surprised. If anyone in this city were to know it's Varys. If anything it's a relief.

"Well then at least you don't believe I'm pregnant."

"No, you're more clever than that," he says as he looks to Ned disappearing beyond the gates "You wouldn't want to birth a bastard, they can cause lots of trouble as you no doubt know, just as Lord Stark shall soon know as well."

An uneasy feeling fills my stomach as I remember what the last hand had asked me before his demise, I wonder if Ned intends to finish whatever he began.

"What are you implying Lord Varys?"

"That the King may have more bastards than you realise," he tells me. "And it seems Lord Stark is determined to track them down."

"Why are you telling me this?" I ask, perplexed.

"To ensure the same fate that befell Jon Arryn doesn't befall Ned Stark."

"It wasn't my mother," I tell Varys and he looks to me in surprise. "She may have wanted him gone but it wasn't her, she would have owned up to it."

"Curious indeed," he ponders. "Tell me Princess have you wondered why your mother wanted him gone?"

A question I've been afraid to ask myself "I think the truth would be far too dangerous."

He nods approvingly "You are a clever girl. Tell me though, does playing the fool give you more satisfaction than the truth? What is really more dangerous, knowing or not knowing?" I remain silent while he takes a long careful look at me "Or perhaps the truth is right in front of you and you deny it."

"Playing the fool is far different than being a fool, and it is necessary to keep the peace," I speak up remembering Tyrion's last plea to me, even if it kills me. "Surely you can respect that Lord Varys as your allegiance is to the realm."

"I indeed can," he assures me with a surprising amount of respect "However if you find yourself in a position too dangerous to continue playing the fool you know where to find me, however I suspect you already require my services."

I pull the letter out and subtly slip it into his sleeve knowing there are always eyes watching "Ensure your little birds deliver this directly into Jon Snows hand."

"I assure you that it will not fall into the hands of the queen," he says knowingly and I give him a thankful smile. "Tell me, was it all worth it for the love of a bastard?"

"I've been asking myself the same question," I admit. "I could have loved Robb so easily and never returned to this city, and perhaps that's why I let myself love Jon. Because it was impossible."

"So then," he says. "You've chosen your lust for power over love."

When he puts it like that it stings, but it's true. "Yes."

He raises an eyebrow. "Be sure it was the right decision."

I look out at the city, already suspecting I have made a grave mistake.

There's one last question gnawing at me "Varys, am I doing the right thing playing the fool?"

"For now yes," he tells me. "However I fear that the day will soon come when you will have to make a choice."

"What choice?"

He smiles sadly "You'll know."

And after that last conversation with Robb, I fear I've already made it.

~

With a heavy heart and an empty stomach I watch the messenger from Casterly Rock arrive from my bedroom window. It is time to see what my grandfather says, was it enough or will he insist on holding Robb to account? Does he know about Jon? 

He may not have threatened it directly but I can read between the lines. If I was pregnant or if my relations with either were proven I know who they would paint as the guilty one and it is because of that fear I can bear what I have done. 

Even so dread fills me as the door opens and without looking back I ask "Is it done?"

"Yes," my mother answers and I grip the balcony's rail a little tighter as I stare blankly at the city "You did what had to be done, your grandfather and others in Casterly Rock agree that to spread those rumours with the intent to cause harm was treason."

"And her head?" I force myself to ask hoping that she was given the mercy of a quick death but her corpse doesn't need to be humiliated.

"On a spike."

"No," I oppose stiffly as I decide "Have her buried where her family wishes."

She's silent for a moment before asking "Are you sure, keeping it there will serve as a message to-"

"I did what was necessary, only what was necessary," I snap as I turn to face her. "Sticking her head on a spike was not necessary and I did not order it, so now I order it to be taken down! The message to anyone else who was in my service that wishes to spread malicious rumours that could cause myself or the Starks harm has been made clear. It is treason and they know it, now let the girls head be buried with the rest of her."

Her face is unreadable but even so she agrees "As you wish."

"I'm not cruel," I vow knowing that this action is setting a precedent for myself. "I will do what is necessary but only what is necessary. Nothing more but also nothing less."

She nods in approval. "Just as anyone who is just but not foolish should do, a rare combination, and I know that your grandfather has noticed that. Personally I would have done far worse to anyone who dared say such things about me."

I don't doubt that. She hands me a letter with a broken Lannister seal, hence the reason I've asked Varys to ensure letters come directly to me "It might not seem like it but he is proud of you. I assured him that an inspection was carried out and that you are a virgin."

"Thank you," I say gratefully knowing that if it wasn't for her then I would have been pinned down for Pycelle to open me up and probe around.

"I'll never let anyone hurt you," she promises. "So please, trust me."

Trust. I've trusted her lately more than I ever have in my life but I cannot say after suspecting what I do that I can trust her fully.

"Of course," I say anyhow and she takes her leave. Slowly I open the letter from my grandfather not knowing what to expect.

Cassana

I must say I am pleasantly surprised with your handling of this situation, you did what was necessary and most importantly nothing less. The rumours have ceased now that they know the penalty for such gossip is treason. Although it was handled do not put yourself in this position again. Next time you do I will not be so forgiving.

Lord Tywin Lannister

Praise and a threat. Still, it is far better than the last letter I received from him. 

I've appeased him but I know not to allow this to happen again. I might not give a damn about my own reputation but I have the Lannister name to uphold as well as the Baratheon name. I cannot disappoint my grandfather again. I cannot put myself or them in that type of danger.
Now it is done. I can leave the Stark brothers behind me.

"Cassana," Ned says as he opens my door. From the look in his eyes he knows but there doesn't seem to be any blame. "Don't worry child, I know it was your mother who ordered it, not you."
I don't know if it's wishful thinking or faith in me, but the fact that he believes I am innocent without any doubt breaks my heart after all I've done. 

"Thank you Lord Stark," I smile politely. "It is done now, at least I know my mother would do anything to protect me."

He looks at me, and I wonder if he sees my father when he looks at me, a Baratheon who betrayed the Stark they were sworn to marry. "I have never seen anyone stand up to your father as you did."

"I do not want to be like him," I swear to Ned. "I was a fool in thinking I could follow my heart without consequence. I know he betrayed Lyanna while they were betrothed, just as I did to Robb, I can't take it back, but I am truly sorry for it. I want to be better than him, better than my mother. Robb is too good for me, he always has been."

He doesn't say anything, he just nods his head at me words and tells me "We have a small council meeting."

Walking into the small council meeting I'm surprised by the expressions they all wear. 

One thing is certain and that is they no longer see me as the young foolish girl they once did.

Today they all remember the name I do not wear, that although I am a stag I have the blood of a lion. Yet something far more destructive than claws or antlers brews within me.

Taking my fathers seat I look to them all "Shall we begin?"