Something's wrong with Party

There had been a foreboding feeling in the air. But it wasn't as much of a feeling as it was an instinct. Something was going to happen. The air was charged with the impending feeling of... whatever it was.

Which made it all the more confusing when nothing happened that day.

Or the next.

Or even the one after.

Soon a week had passed, and nothing unusual had happened. So the feeling was pushed away, always on the mind, but never paid much attention to.

Maybe Party was just paranoid. Maybe they were wrong. Maybe nothing was going to happen. Maybe, maybe, maybe. It hurt. It hurt so much.

Party never knew if something was gonna happen while they were off on a raid. They had taken to rubbing their Bad Luck Beads, reassuring themselves that no one had been dusted. But it never stopped worrying them.

Party did their best to act normal, keeping up a joking facade, laughing at the stupidest things. Soon it felt like that was all that they were: fake happy. So much worrying, so much anxiety, so much fear.

And all of it escalated when The Girl stormed into the Diner. The Killjoys had all been joking, but all Party could hear was their fake laughter. It rang in their ears, filling their brain, it seeped through their body.

The Girl had only said one word, but it caused Party to spin around, plastering a fake, but realistic, smile on their face.

"Why."

Her tone resulted in Party's heart plummeting. It was flat and it demanded answers, but they kept their smile. Ignoring her tone, they exclaimed, "Girlie! Come join us!"

As soon as they said it, Party felt a hand pulling them back. Kobra's hand, to be precise. Kobra's eyes were filled with confusion, or at least what Party interpreted as confusion; it was hard to read Kobra sometimes.

"Why what?" He asked, keeping a hand on Party's shoulder.

"Why do you wear the masks," The Girl deadpanned.

Party's smile flickered, dread coursing through them. Had she figured it out? Did she finally realize how much they were hiding? Was she going to tell them all?

Opting for the dumbass approach, they laughed, "The masks? Girlie, you know why we wear the masks–"

"Not those masks."

Party could feel the fake smile slide off their face, but was saved just in time by Jet standing up. They only half heard what Jet was saying, due to all of their focus on Kobra's hand, and how they could casually remove it.

Seeing Jet move to lead The Girl outside, Party shrugged Kobra's hand off, sitting down where Jet previously sat and saying, "Why Jet? She obviously has something to say, so let her say it."

They regretted the words the moment they left their mouth. It was too harsh, too rough, too... not Party.

A light hit from Ghoul jolted them back to reality. "Shut it Party and let them speak in private."

A humorless laugh from Kobra. "Yes Party, listen to your boyfriend."

"Fuck you Kobra."

Ghoul jumped up and started tugging Party's arm, dragging them to the door. "You know what Party, we're gonna talk in the car."

"Wait Ghoul–" Party was about to protest, "Fuck, don't pull so hard, I'm coming."

"Well hurry the fuck up." Ghoul let go of his partner's arm and walked over to the door, pausing in the doorway and watching Party walk towards him.

Party walked towards their boyfriend, fake smile dimmed, but still on their face. Their hands flitted from place to place. Jacket, belt, pockets, hair. Jacket, pockets, belt. Pockets, jacket, hair. Again and again and again and again.

Walking past their boyfriend, Party smiled at Ghoul, feeling more like they were baring their teeth than actually smiling.

Ghoul's small frown deepened slightly, but he followed his partner to the Trans Am.

• • •

A million thoughts were running through Party's head. They were coursing through so fast that Party only held onto them for a split second before a new one popped up. Was something wrong with their relationship? Why did Ghoul want to talk to them? What was wrong with The Girl? Was something wrong?

"Party."

Drawing themselves out of their thoughts, Party raised their head to look at Ghoul. Ghoul was peering at them through eyes shadowed by worry. Sorta like a puppy. Big, sad eyes piercing into your soul and reading all your secrets.

Ghoul cared very much for his crewmates. He might have come across as stand-offish, but he had the biggest heart of them all (except maybe Jet).

When the two of them had started dating, it honestly surprised Party that Ghoul was so caring. It might have been hyped by their relationship, but now Party noticed his little worries. Whenever any (or all of them) went on a run, Ghoul would fret over everyone. And Party was even more in love with him.

Ghoul raised a hand to Party's face, letting his fingers flit over their lips. At the touch, Party turned away, forcing down the stray tears that threatened to slip.

"Party." The nickname came out hushed, barely heard. But heard nonetheless.

"Why are we talking here, Ghoul?" Party asked, still avoiding their partner's eyes.

Lowering his hand from Party's face, Ghoul reached over and intertwined his fingers with theirs.

Squeezing Party's hand slightly, Ghoul whispered, "I'm worried about you, love."

Party ached to tackle him in a hug, and to cry, cry, cry.

But they didn't.

Instead they watched as Kobra rolled his motorbike out, hoping to buy some time.

"I've already told you Ghoul," They said, "I'm alright. I'm okay."

Ghoul didn't say anything but rather squeezed their partner's hand gently, watching as Party eyed their brother's bike with uncharacteristic hostility.

Leaning their head on Fun Ghoul's shoulder, Party looked out the window, up at Jet and The Girl. They watched as the two talked, wishing that everything could just go away. All the problems, all the worries. If they could just be happy for once. No BL/ind, no Dracs, no Crows, just peace and happiness.

But that was unrealistic. They had all made the choice to leave the city. Leave Battery City, leave BL/ind. Be free. But freedom didn't equal happiness. BL/ind had only been one of the many problems, and now all the others felt overwhelming.

There was too much. And it all seemed to be hitting Party at once.

Party was supposed to be the leader. They were supposed to be collected and assertive. A take-no-shit attitude.

How would the others react when they learned that their revered leader was breaking at the seams?

Party couldn't stop the tears from falling. They didn't try to.

It felt so good to cry. So, so, good.

Not that it was odd to see Party cry – they had cried with Ghoul while mourning ghosted Dracs before – but this was a different kind of crying.

This crying was the it's-too-much crying. The kind of crying that happens when you have too much bottled up inside you that you can't hold it, and it escapes through your eyes. The kind of crying that reminds you that you can feel.

Ghoul pressed kisses to his partner's vibrant red hair, rubbing their back gently.

"It's okay, love. It's okay."

Party didn't say a word. They just stared at the inky sky, just out of reach, and let the tears roll down. They were pressed against Ghoul's side, so close that it was almost uncomfortable. But there wasn't anywhere else that they wanted to be.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Ghoul murmured into Party's hair in between gentle kisses. "But if you don't... I understand."

Although Party stayed silent, Ghoul seemed to understand what they wanted.

"Just know that I'm here for you when– if you want me."

Party wasn't even sure what to feel, emotion wise. Physically, they could feel Ghoul squeezing them gently, they could hear Kobra's motorbike in the distance, they could see Ghoul's worried eyes.

Removing their hand gently from Ghoul's, they raised both of their hands to Ghoul's face. Party kissed him gently and rested their forehead against his. They still had trickles of tears falling.

"I love you," They whispered, "So much."

Ghoul brought a hand up to Party's face, wiping their eyes. "I love you too. From The Mailbox, to The Market, and all the Zones."

Party didn't move, but instead looked into Ghoul's eyes. His eyes, so often covered by a mask, gazed right back at theirs, which were rarely seen by any other than the other four.

The two of them sat in silence; the only noise coming from the wind outside and their quiet breathing.

"I'm scared."

The words were so quiet they were almost swallowed by the wind. They passed through trembling lips, barely making it to the ears of the other. The two words held so much weight, but they seemed so simple. Two syllables. Maybe three. But the meaning behind them, what they stood for, was endless.

"Something bad's gonna happen, but I don't know what it is. I know it's gonna happen, but I don't know who it's going to happen to– if it's gonna happen to anyone, and I don't know how bad it's gonna be."

Party grasped Ghoul's hand, clinging to it like a lifeline. An anchor.

"It scares me so, so much," They whimpered, "I have no idea what will happen, and I don't know if it's gonna happen to you or anyone else I love. I don't know if one day, someone may not come back from a run, and it's terrifying."

Bringing their intertwined hands up, Ghoul brushed his lips across Party's knuckles. "Love, it's a part of being a killjoy. We're fighting against those who once protected us. We're fighting, and we risk our lives everyday, but we do it so we can live our lives how we want to."

Party sighed. "I know. I just... I just wish that we could leave it all behind, be happy for once, be carefree."

They could see it in Ghoul's eyes. That 'I understand you' look, that 'I feel the same way' look. That 'I'm going through the same thing and I'm barely keeping my head above water' look.

The look that is trying to be comforting, but barely hiding the worry within.

"We won't live forever, but we can make the most of what we have."

Party pursed their lips, watching as Ghoul played with their intertwined fingers. "You only live forever in the lights you make."

"Exactly," Ghoul smiled at them, kissing them softly. "And if we keep fighting, keep running, we will live."

"But is it a life worth living?" Asked Party. Their voice suddenly lowered. "Are– are we even making a difference?"

"Of course we are!" Ghoul exclaimed, looking over disbelievingly at Party. "Have you even seen how many Juvee Halls say that we inspired them? We give them the will to fight, we help free them."

Party stared wide-eyed at Ghoul. "But what if it's the wrong thing to do? I mean, I've seen all the shit that those Juvee Halls have done cuza us, but have you seen how many've died? They've died because of us."

Ghoul didn't reply. And Party didn't want him to.

The two of them sat and stared at the starless sky. They sat in silence, both analyzing the words that had been said.

Party lived to make a difference, they lived to free everyone from BL/ind. Yet all the fighting, it all weighed down on them. Maybe their death would be the difference. But they didn't want to die. They wanted to see their impact, they wanted to live in the world that they helped rebuild from the ruins of BL/ind.

"We're gonna die, it's just a matter of time."

Ghoul and Party gazed wordlessly at the inky sky, both of them deep in their thoughts. As they watched, light soon began flashing along the horizon. A firefight.

Party's eyes darted instantly to the lights cutting through the oppressive darkness. The lights that lit in the direction that Kobra had been going.

"Ghoul!" Party whispered, praying to the Phoenix Witch that they were wrong. "There's– there's a firefight out by the Suitehearts."

"Fire– a firefight?" Ghoul's head whipped over towards the lights. "Where the Suitehearts are, and oh shit, that's where Kobra is!"

"I know... Destroya, the fucker," Party trailed off, clinging to Ghoul's hand like a sinking ship. No matter how hard you tug or grasp it, the effort is useless. You still drown.

The two of them were staring, worried, at the lights in the distance. At the firefight in the distance.

Party felt that foreboding feeling even more.

"Ghoul, something's gonna go wrong."

"Party listen to me," Ghoul traced the Bad Luck Beads on Party's wrist, "The Suitehearts are some of the best 'Joys in the Zones. If anyone can keep Kobes safe, it's them."

"You don't understand, we need to go help them, Ghoul!" Party exclaimed, ready to reach over and start the Trans Am.

Ghoul pulled Party close to him. "Love, even if we leave now, the fight's probably gonna be over when we get there. There's nothing we can do."

"Hard times come, good times go."

While anxiously watching the lights, Party couldn't stop the tears. This was that moment that they had been stressing over. Yet it felt so much worse than anything they could imagine.

Kobra and Party. The Venom Brothers. They were so much closer than anyone could imagine. They relied on each other.

Now half might die.

And the other would have to watch from the window of a beat up car, knowing that they did nothing to help. They couldn't do anything to help. They would live with that.

Party and Ghoul watched, with tears rolling down their faces, as their bracelets broke. One for Party, one for Ghoul. They watched as the beads fell off the string, clattering on the floor of the Trans Am. Renewed tears ran down Party's face, but this time they were joined by Ghoul's.

A light from a raygun shot up into the sky, fading out as it reached the height of it's arc. Fading out once and forever. A life lost too soon, a light that will never be relit.

"I'm either gone in an instant..."

Lives are fickle. You never know when it can be lost. Will it be quick? Will you have the time to come to peace with it? Will you be remembered? Did you change the world? Or is your death just another of many?

Bad Luck Beads were only a symbol of someone's death, but it felt like so much more. Party couldn't think that someone – someone they knew well enough to get a bracelet from them – had died. It felt like a part of Party had died with them.

They say that the death of a friend is the death of someone close to them. They might become nothing but a shell of what they once were.

But the desert was ruthless. Dozens of deaths happened every day. Some people became numb to the pain of death. Some people lost the light behind their eyes.

Not Party. Party felt each death in their heart. It wore down and chipped at their heart.

They had no idea if the death was Kobra. They had no idea what they would do if it was Kobra. What would they do without their brother? From the drums of the city rain to the fires of the desert.

Party couldn't do anything but pray. Pray that the Phoenix Witch didn't take their brother, pray that the Phoenix Witch granted mercy to the 'Joy that they took. Pray that the dusted 'Joy was remembered.

"...Or here 'til the bitter end, I, I never know."

The beginning is kinda shit and I was definitely projecting in this one.

Also, nonbinary/genderqueer Party Poison? YES.

Anyways, what did you think?