Username: @draphy / Title: The Wings of Storm

Log line: Tahro Akagi, a boy who lives in two worlds, must fix the butterfly effect he caused in order to save his friends from a witch's storm.

Genre: Portal fantasy adventure.

Feedback level: Submission level

PG – Your logline is fine, but your summary hints at a much more complex world, so now I'm intrigued. I move on to Ch. 1. And...deep sigh...it's a prologue. I'm really tempted to skip it (see notes above), but I look anyway. And while I love the illustration, even after having read your Ch. 1, I'm not sure what the point of it is. I mean it sets the tone of the story nicely and is a bit of a framing device, but it's largely irrelevant to a reader, coming into this story cold. If you feel it's critical to keep it, though (as evidenced by your plea for folks to not skip it), why not just have it as an intro-section to your first chapter with a graphical separator? I mean, I wouldn't make that change now because you'd lose your comments; but it's something to think about for future works. As far as your opening, it's fine for Wattpad. But I don't see anything, at a submission-level, that compels me to read more. This feels like this might be a cool, illustrated middle grade book. But I wouldn't know without diving much deeper in. It does look like you have a lot of engagement on the story, so I think you're doing just fine!

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Username: @Word_Sailor / Title: Past, Secrets and the Player

Logline: Ally, the new 'shy' girl joins Mountain Bird. And she has been made a challenge for the school's 'player'. But she has her own 'secrets' and 'past' that brings her here. (It's seems cliche, but I PROMISE it isn't ;) 

Genre: Young Adult

Feedback level: Submission level

PG – Regarding your logline, my first question is, "What is Mountain Bird"? I'm assuming it's a school, but you shouldn't force an agent or editor to have to make that same assumption. As far as 'secrets" and 'past', those are really vague terms. Many stories of this nature have secrets and characters dealing with pasts. How is yours different? You can elaborate on that aspect of your story without giving everything away, so I would practice doing that. The story summary has the same issues. Now on to your Ch. 1, which is sweet, but while there's discomfort and a bit of awkwardness between the two main characters, there's no real tension or highly dramatic conflict here to make this a story ready for submission (which is the level of feedback you asked for.) It opens like a ton of other Wattpad "Player" stories, and I think that's fine for Wattpad. But if you—as the author—have to promise that your story is not cliché, then it means that you don't have the skills yet to show me that it's not cliché, and that's what I'm after. And by the way, cliché is fine, if you create vivid characters or infuse your writing with a strong writer's voice. Look at "She's With Me". It's a very cliché story with intriguing characters and told with flair. Cliché is not inherently bad. 😉

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Username: @rubamaheen1 / Title: Swaying By The Odds

Logline: Celeste Wilson, a very efficient event planner is being forced to plan a wedding.

It wouldn't have been so hard had he (her client), rather coincidentally (or probably not), not been her ex-fiancée. Now, in order to keep her beloved Zephrine away from trouble, and stay under the protection of a roof, she has to do everything a normal wedding planner would, with the inclusion of pushing her already fractured, but fettled heart through all the painful trouble for the second time− all for the same person.

Genre: ChickLit

Feedback level: Submission level

PG – Your logline is okay, but the "Now, in order to keep her beloved Zephrine away from trouble, and stay under the protection of a roof" part is really awkward and who is Zephrine? Your summary is kind of muddled too. As far as your story concept and Ch. 1, I got the sense that the family was now in possession of her apartment and was using that to force her to plan their son's wedding? That and offering her a fee $250,000 for organizing a wedding are just too far-fetched, for me at least, to buy into your story—unless she's doing it for a Saudi prince or someone like that. You also use a lot of "F-bombs" and some other language that's really not appropriate for ChickLit. New Adult, sure, but ChickLit tends be lighter and cleaner in its tone and presentation. This is a pass for me.

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Username: @grahambower / Title: Earthshine

Log line: A group of students travel to India in search of a yoga guru. They discover they have powers to access alternate realities and change the world.

Feedback level: Submission level

Genre: Didn't Say

PG – Dude. You are so lucky that I'm the "click to see more" type. Your logline leaves all the good parts, that I found in your story summary, out: surviving cancer, losing her mother, moving halfway around the world, mysterious yoga guru, barriers between alternate dimensions are about to start breaking down, protect the fabric of reality itself. You should really make a point of injecting some of those details into ANY logline you create, whether it's one-sentence or three. (See @SouthPawStance's "Quid Pro Quo" and @hallonn23's "Southern Saturday Nights" for examples.) Okay, onto your Ch. 1...aaaaand it's almost entirely "telling" and not "showing." Oh, dear. You've gotten me intrigued by your story summary (and a totally lit cover, btw!), but you've kept me at a distance in the opening chapter. Yes, there are stories that are primarily narrative with just a little dialogue sprinkled in, but a lot—and I mean A LOT—of editors and agents these days want more dynamic and immersive storytelling. Had this been in first person POV, I think you could have gotten away with it; but as it stands, this would be a case of finding an agent or editor who really loved your concept and really enjoyed a heavily narrative style. I could be wrong, but for me, it's a pass.

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Username: @rini55 / Title: it all starts with L.. love,lost, life.

Log line: this story is about a teen girl who is a daughter of a rich businessman. After her mom died her family blamed her for everything. Her brother and step- sister became her bully and ensured that she never had a good life. But with a entry of Alan, new member in the town and other new friends in her life she gets the life spirit she was lacking and make her feel loved. She now has friends but it doesn't mean that problems will leave her life so easily.

Genre : teenfiction

Feedback level: Submission level

PG – So, to be honest, the grammatical errors in your logline tell me right off the bat that you're not ready for submission. It's just the nature of the game. Agents and editors use that as a litmus test, and while your grammar doesn't have to be perfect, each mistake is like a tiny slice out of your credibility and soon it's death by a thousand cuts. The grammatical errors continue in Ch. 1 and there were some awkward sentence phrasings that confirm my suspicions. I like that you opened with intense action, even just a dream. 😊

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Username: @TechM0 / Title: Claimed

Logline: Blake and Derek have learn they have nine months to get their claim ready. to get together with other claims and stop a mysterious groups. Can they get prepared in enough time?

Genre: Didn't Say

Feedback level: Submission level

PG – Ah, same issue with the entry above. Your grammatical errors indicate that you're not ready for submission. I mean, I guess I should have stated that the assessments would be for the U.S. English language market, so the bar is really high; but regardless, I'm not seeing evidence to the contrary that you're ready. I will say that I liked your story summary. It didn't really elaborate on your story as well as it could have, but it did give me a sense of your storytelling voice and that was cool. I see some of that voice in your first chapter, but this story isn't for me, so it's a pass.

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Username : @lekro01 / Title : Tears of a lost soul

Logline : The story is about an undead evil returning back to life in a dystopian world. To save humanity, secrets of a sinful past must be undiscovered.

Genre : Fantasy

Feedback level: Submission level

PG – You don't identify your protagonist in your logline and that's sort of key. Also, I think you mean "secrets of a sinful past must be uncovered." On to your Ch. 1. Okay, opening with a scene with your protagonist as a young child is about as cliché as opening with your character waking up in the morning. I don't read a tremendous amount of Fantasy, but I've read this type of story opening tons of times, especially on Wattpad. I will say this, though, the chapter was well written and charming. From what I've seen of the market--reading the trade publications, tracking deals, and seeing what agents and editors like in pitch parties on Twitter—I'm not seeing anything that would make your story really standout at this point. It feels like a traditional Fantasy story, and that's fine and it could do very well on Wattpad. But I'm not seeing an incredibly unique angle to it, and that's really what you need in the hyper-competitive, U.S. English language market, especially in the Fantasy genre.

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Username:@metalister / Title: Death's Overture

Logline: The story of a killer told by the killer itself.

Genre:Fantasy

Feedback level: Submission level

PG – Loglines are designed to sell what's unique about your story. This logline is, unfortunately, about as generic as generic can get. It tells me that you have a somewhat interesting POV, which is cool, but tells me NOTHING about your story (see the examples I mention in the intro. that provide better examples). To improve, let's pretend every story on Wattpad was the story of a killer told by the killer themselves. What would make YOUR story different and stand apart in that case? It's those elements that you want to try and communicate in your logline, your story summaries, and your pitches if you want to stand out from the crowd.

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Username: @AMCodaMonkey / Title: Birth of a Sin

Logline: She ruled her city with an iron fist; mafia queen with a crown coated in the blood of her enemies. Power, wealth, she had it all except for one thing...Love.

Genre: Horror (with a strong side of romance)

Feedback level: Submission level

PG – Nice logline. It doesn't tell me much about your actual story, but it's nicely phrased. As far as your Ch. 1, it's well-written. It's largely violent action so it slots into a certain niche market. Without it being a graphic novel, though, I'm not sure where this would fit into the current traditional marketplace, tbh. You slot it as Horror, but most published Horror I see is of the psycho killer variety, or ghosts and evil spirits, or perhaps the gothic and macabre. This feels...like I said...more in the graphic novel category, just without the illustrations. Anyway, the good thing is that Wattpad is great for the harder-to-categorize story. I know that I've benefited from it!

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Username: @findmysteryinme / Title: Soulmate Cookies

Logline: One diary, one girl who has the ability to wield its hidden powers, four individuals beguiled by Cupid's cookies and entrusted to find the wielder's, true love.

Genre: genral fiction

Feedback level: Submission level

PG – Good, very brief summary in your logline! But, you had up to three sentences to hook me and you left some very good details out. Like, from your summary like "Ivy -desperately craving love and attention -a young chef -who, despite years of culinary training has had bad luck landing a job." and "For Ivy, things have a weird way of happening when for some reason, everyone who eats the special sweet treats at the cafe has their luck changed for the better." Pulling some of those details into any logline would make it much more appealing and stand out from the crowd. I think your story has a hook, which is good, and your Ch. 1 was cute! But, the writing is not yet sophisticated enough, or at the level it needs to be, in order to be ready for submissions.

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Username: @Nambrosia / Title: Awakening

Logline: An increasingly suspicious homicide, two powerful factions with an ancient grudge, and a woman with incredible abilities who woke up with no clue who, or what, she is. All unwitting pawns of a plan 80,000 years in the making. A plan that could destroy the world, or be its salvation.

Genre: Science-Fiction

Feedback level: Submission level

PG – Your logline is good! So, I move on to Ch. 1 and the first thing that strikes me is that I'm assuming you don't name your primary character, the one you refer to as "the victim", for a very good reason, right? Because I'm not connecting with her at all. You write well and I'm following along with story fine, but the quick POV shifts to the security guard and the fact that you don't name the main character in this scene creates a distance for me. Then, towards the end she puts aside her purse, picks up something else (I don't want to spoil things), and the nature of the scene shifts. At this point, your decision to not give her a name makes more sense, and you end on a cliffhanger, and a doozy of one at that! So, why my hesitancy? I've seen this sort of teaser in a lot of movies and TV shows before, so it doesn't feel very fresh to me...effective, but not fresh. In the end, I found myself on the fence. I liked your story, from the brief opener we get, but with limited slots available, it was a pass for me.

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Username: @ArtieKaree / Title: Swell (Tonight Alive)

Logline: A family moves to a small town and they bring violence and death with them. The blame game is played and suspicion is cast on the newcomers and some old friends. Adora, a local sweetheart, is left wondering who she can trust, and who is willing to kill for her.

Genre: Young/New Adult Thriller/Suspense

Feedback level: Submission level

PG – I like your logline. I'm assuming Adora is the one who moves with her family to the small town? If so, establishing Adora as your main character, first, would be better. It's awkward at the end. Now, onto your Ch. 1. It's fine. It does the trick, but I don't get any sense of mystery here and no vivid picture of what this small town is like, what this school is like. It reads like tons of other "first day of school" scenes I've read before. Your characters are relatable, but they don't feel special...at least not yet. Since I've called out some excellent examples of loglines, I'm going to go ahead and call out an excellent example of a first day at school. It's from another contestant ( @jamarstrogers ) but not from an entry in this contest. But I highlight it because, although the chapter is short, the skillfully chosen details surrounding the main character arriving at her new school are observant, colorful, and immersive.

https://www.wattpad.com/675801816-like-lambs-led-2-gray-sun/page/2

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Username: PenNameCrystalVibe / Title: Help! I'm Falling.

Logline: When Thomas' fear of rejection causes one of his traits to display odd characteristics, the trials and tribulations begin.

Genre: Fantasy

Feedback level: Submission level

PG – Hmm...this is one of those vague loglines that tell me nothing about the story. So okay, I'm just going to move on to your Ch. 1. And...alrighty, then. Well, that was actually pretty funny! I particularly loved Anxiety listening to Panic! At the Disco. Ha! But I'm not sure if there's a market for the personification of human emotions. I mean, Pixar made a movie around human emotions (Inside Out), but I wouldn't even know what to do with this if I were an agent or editor and this landed on my desk.

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Username: @neurotick / Title: What She Left Behind

Logline: Gemma, an emotionally inept career woman, must dig deep into the past of her childhood best friend, Raelyn, in order to figure out what drove her to commit suicide.

Genre: Mystery

Feedback level: Submission level

PG – Your logline is intriguing, and you've outlined the conflict well. The term "emotionally inept" is awkward here, though. Perhaps because it makes me think of a YA character or a character in a Rom-Com? Regardless, I'm interested so I read on. Your Ch. 1 starts strong and your character has dimension and voice. I'm a little underwhelmed by the ending, though, because you've relied on the letter in the prologue and the main character telling us about this special relationship she has with Raelyn, but I haven't seen that relationship and so I'm not emotionally invested, and as a reader, the stakes don't feel very high to me, I don't feel like I NEED to keep reading on. This is one of those cases where the shorter Wattpad chapters probably do writers a disservice because you don't, perhaps, delve as deeply into your story as you'd like in chapter one. But, I am trying to keep the playing field level and keep the assessments to first chapters. Your story is well-written, and I like it, so I may just circle back and keep reading. But for the purpose of this contest, I'm going to have to pass.

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Username: @xAnon124 / Title: Blind Eyes

Logline: A 14 year old suicidal girl going through life. She's a Muslim and in Islam, suicide is forbidden.

Genre: Spiritual but could also go as Young Adult.

Feedback level: Submission level

PG – Your logline gets right at the heart of a very difficult conflict. Interesting! So, I go to your Ch. 1. Well, it's a very short chapter. And it's primarily a rumination on the miserable state that your main character is in. She's a very sympathetic character, so you've handled this part well. I think I would have preferred a more fully fleshed out scene, though, with her interacting with her family and her peers (even if they're not her friends) so that you could show us why she feels as miserable as she does. A very internal book (if more of the chapters are like this) is a very hard sell in the marketplace, but this is definitely a unique story and I hope you continue with it because it would be very interesting to better understand how a devout Muslim young woman deals with feelings of suicide.

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Username: @Sylviawolfe / Title: The Atlas

Logline: When a string of murders brings up questions about a long lost superhero species, it's a race against time for the police and their consultants to find them before a war breaks out.

Genre: Superheroes? I mean, I guess it's science fiction.

Feedback level: Submission level

PG – Yay, a script! And a well-formatted one at that, which makes it easy to read! 😊 So, your logline works and I'm intrigued by the term "superhero" species. It almost sounds like Sci-Fi. Cool. I'm with you. All right, on to Episode 1.1. And it reads well. It does, but here's my issue. It's super-short, so short that I felt like I didn't get quite enough of the world and the central conflict to fully pull me in. The taste was nice, and I peeked ahead, and it looks like things get really interesting until Ep. 1.3, but that seems a little too late (if this were a submission, that is.) I feel like that's where your story really kicks in and that section should be closer to the front of your work. The hint at something bigger that is your cliffhanger at the end Ep. 1.1 is good, but it's not enough. But, "Paula," you say, "you open your story with a super-short chapter!" I do! And if I wouldn't lose all my comments on that first chapter, I'd combine it with the next one to make for a meatier reading experience overall. That, and my first chapter has a dead body, so you know, the stakes are already pretty high. I could comment on the marketability of the story idea as a film, but that's a whole other ball of wax and one we can have outside of this contest.

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Username: @Estelle_Sirius / Title: Pinocchio: Sicario

Logline: An abandoned boy with a traumatic past becomes the hitman of the leader of the mafia. Known as Pinocchio, he struggles to overcome his past and worm his way out of the Don's grasp. Focuses on character development.

Genre: Doesn't Say

Feedback level: Submission level

PG – The idea of a "Pinocchio"-like character as a trained killer is definitely unique and interesting, so well done! Since you asked me for submission-level feedback, though, I have to say I don't know where this would fit in the market. Like some other entries that read like an extended version of a comic book or graphic novel, but without the illustrations, I'm not sure where off of Wattpad these sorts of stories would fit. They're too violent for kids and without illustrations, there's no established market for them to go into. I mean there's a large population of readers here who like anime, comic books, and the like so you have an audience and a home here so that's good. But if you wanted to take this out into the larger marketplace, I'd have to say the self-publishing route would probably be the best one for you.

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Username: luckydonivan / Title: The Gentleman Ghost Of Gettysburg

Long line: Trapped in the stately mansion in which he died, a Confederate Calvaryman finds himself the resident ghost of a sorority house. It's hard to remain a gentleman when he falls for one of the girls. Can love bridge the gap of life and death?

Genre: Paranormal Romance

Feedback level: Submission level

PG – So this is one of the more unique fish-out-of-water scenarios I've seen in quite some time. Honestly, I wanted it to be a comedy or have a strong comedic throughline because the situation is such a great premise for that. But it's looking more like a serious paranormal romance. Okay...so, I give it a read. I dive into Ch. 1 and see that you write well! Great! But ghost love stories aren't a particularly huge market. I've seen published works, but they've almost always been self-published. For a story like this to really stand out and capture the attention of a traditional agent or editor, I think it'd either have to be a sweeping, epic love story or a laugh-out-loud Romantic Comedy. I'm not saying that your story isn't one of those, or that it has to be in order to capture the attention of an agent or editor, just that the more unconventional stories that don't have a built-in market, generally need to meet a very high bar for it to capture a market professional's attention. I did like what I read though, so I hope this story finds a home.

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Username: @Olubean  /  Title: PSYCHO

Logline: In a near-future London, eighteen-year-old Cadell suffers from a super-powered schizophrenia which torments him with a bloodthirsty voice inside his head. After a series of traumatic events, he gains a lifelong obsession: to protect the city as a masked vigilante. The dangerous path he takes soon forces him to confront the only person who truly understands his illness, a mysterious individual who will do whatever it takes for him to change.

Genre: Science fiction (near future)

Feedback level: Submission level

PG – Wow, a super-powered schizophrenia? That's certainly unique! As far as your logline, it reads well, until the last line. Then, it gets very vague. I'm assuming the mysterious individual is, or is behind, the voice inside your MC's head? Those two elements feel very disconnected in your summary. If they're not related, then I'm not sure mentioning the individual buys you anything. Now, about your submission—and you asked for Submission-level feedback, so keep this in mind—this story would be a tough sell in the marketplace. Superhero stories are very niche, and the ones I've seen do well were self-published. The whole psycho/schizophrenic angle is also a tough sell. I, personally, don't like stories about psychos, so for me this is a pass, although your writing was solid. And that's what happens in the real world—it's as much a subjective assessment as it is anything. Now, the cool thing is that Wattpad is a great place for niche stories and also in the self-pub market, niche stories that do well, can do VERY well, so keep that all in mind.

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Username: @unhingedbeauty  /  Title: Five Stages

Logline: Giselle Vaughn was dead. Simple as that. Except, for senior Nerezza King, the relationship she once had with Giselle was anything but.

Genre: YA

Feedback level: Submission level

PG – Ooh, I love that first line of your logline, but it fizzles out there at the end. Too vague. So, into Ch. 1. And while you write well, I'm not getting a sense that there are any high stakes here. I'm sure it comes later, but if you're looking at this as a possible submission, you have to learn to open your stories with a bang! If not, then it's best if you can somehow tie your first chapter into the larger plot of the story, even if it's a hint or a cliffhanger ending that points to that larger plot. Straight, get to know my character in their everyday life type openings (despite me posting a picture of the Hero's Journey in the header of this chapter and it referring to the ordinary world) rarely makes for a compelling opening, not if you're talking about a work you're planning to submit. For Wattpad, it can be okay.

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Username: NDeMeer   /  Title: The Root of Magic

Logline: Destan, an Outcast in his Tribe since he was five years old, finally gets a chance to redeem himself a decade later. But the task he's meant to complete brings him in contact with his long-lost sister, a girl who wasn't welcome in the Tribe because she didn't have powers. Will Destan choose his Tribe or his sister?

Genre: fantasy

Feedback level: Submission level

PG – Your logline is okay, but even with what you have you could have brought in more interesting details from your story summary to help make it really standout by making the sentences compound-complex sentences (see examples cited in this post) instead of simple ones. Example – "Destan, an Outcast in his Tribe because of one mistake he made when he was five years old, finally gets the chance to redeem himself a decade later when Aruna, the Tribe's trainer in magic, convinces their tribal leader to let Destan fulfill a very important task..." See how you get so much more of your story into that one sentence? Okay, now for your first Ch. 1. Here's the deal: the Fantasy market is one of the most competitive fiction markets, you really have to open BIG--with immersive action, an incredibly fascinating world, or beautiful lyrical language—in order to stand out in this market. Opening with a narrative-heavy, everyday world-type of opening (or heavens help you—a flashback scene to your protagonist as a child) doesn't cut it like it used to. Agents and editors have seen that a thousand times by now. I like your premise, but your opening chapter under-whelmed me. It was good, but not great. This is a pass.

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Username: @writer9616   /  Title: His Only Savior

Logline: Emily and Isaac had been in love since they were children. However, after Isaac lost his mother he pushed his dearest friend away. Hoping the distance between them would keep her safe. He did whatever he could to numb the pain her absence caused. Which unknowingly only caused Emily more pain. Until one night their paths come crashing together once more; forcing the two to face their unresolved feelings for one another. Join them along their journey to self love, as they struggle to learn how to love one another.

Genre: Romance

Feedback level: Submission level

PG – Alrighty then...you asked for submission-level feedback so here it is: any logline or story summary that says something to the effect of "follow XXX's struggles" or "join XXX on their journey" hints that the story is either going to be an angsty internal one or one with very episodic plot points as opposed to one with rising action and big stakes. Now, either of those are fine for Wattpad, but you're competing with books that have kids getting beat up because of their sexual orientation, dying from cancer, watching their loved ones getting shot and then having to deal with the aftermath. In the marketplace, stories about friends that drift apart and then come back together as lovers just doesn't stand out. I will say that you write quite well, and I like that the chapter opened with high stakes for your character. I think you deserve far more reads here on Wattpad, but this story doesn't feel big enough right now to be a market contender. This is a pass for me. Do know, though, that the more reads and attention you get for a story like this, the more it trumps its smaller, more intimate focus, which in turn makes it a more attractive work within the marketplace, so keep at it!

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Username: @nodaxi  /  Title: Thanks, Tim.

Logline: Two different boys living two very different lives yet sharing the same struggle: the need to be understood. When they meet, they are given the chance of a lifetime: to belong. A powerful story of how lives collide and people connect.

Genre: Young Adult

Feedback level: Submission level

PG – This is one of those loglines that focuses more on the theme more than the story, but you at least lay out the central conflict which is good. On to your Ch.1. I really like your voice. VERY TOUGH LESSON HERE – I'm at the end of three VERY long days of reading entries. I want a varied list of stories with high concepts or big ideas. If I can't have that, then I want a strong and unique author's voice. If I can have both, AWESOME!!! Now, I've already read two other entries about two boys handling their homosexuality, but one is wrapped in a mystery (see @LLSanders "The Death of Me") and one that had me laughing out loud and intrigued by the friendship (see @ccstarfield "Kickflip"). This is where the market assessment part of the contest kicks in. I really enjoyed your voice and will probably continue reading this story at some point. HOWEVER, and this is the kicker, I'm on the fence about this story as far as this contest. I'm not crazy about stories that rely heavily on a running internal monologue. Some readers love it. I prefer lots more dialogue and direct character interaction. So, since I've already slotted two stories that touch on similar subjects, albeit from a different angle, I feel like I've gotten what I need. Truth be told, this mirrors the real world and good stories get passed over all the time because the deciding factor is the subjective preference of the person building the list. So, this would be the equivalent of an agent's "Passing on this project, but what else have you got?" sort of move and say pass for this contest, but I'd like to read more of this story some time. P.S. – You should really put the social anxiety part, front and center. I didn't realize this was a crucial aspect of your story until I read the author's note. That's a draw to some readers, and others, so should be more prominent in your story summaries, loglines, etc.

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Username: @CatC171  /  Title: Inverted

Logline: A daredevil survives a fatal crash and discovers something else sharing his body.

Feedback level: Submission level

Genre: mystery

PG – Your logline is okay. Super-short and not one that would necessarily, say, compel me to ask for a sample from a Twitter pitch party, but it does suggest a unique story. You story summary is good, so I dive into Ch.1. Now, I like your writing and you do a good job with chapter one. But, I'm not sold on your premise. You present the antagonist as a voice inside Ash's head, but I sense it's much more than that. It's that much more that would interest me, not really the voice in his head, if that makes sense. To some degree, it's a personal preference, but I'm not crazy about stories about mysterious voices. I am intrigued, but things like ghosts, possessions, and other supernatural hauntings. If that's what this story is about then you might what to play that up more. For example, from your summary, you list the following story questions about the voice: Is it responsible for his survival? Or is it just using him to hide from something much worse? What does the entity even want? What does it mean to his own mortality? Where did the entity even come from? Ash decides to find out before something much worse hunts down whatever is hiding inside of him. Truth be told, the only story question that interests me is the last one about what else might be coming after them and that's the one you play up the least. Does that make sense? Although the source of the voice might be different, this reminds me of "The Host" by Stephanie Meyer, and honestly, I didn't like that story. So, between that and the timeline in Ch. 1 feeling off (I think you can trim that first scene and insert it in between him chatting with the crew and him waking up in the hospital), I'm going to have to pass on this. You write very well, but I'm not feeling this story as much as I'd want. This call is definitely more on the subjective side, so keep at it!

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Username: @its_artemis_actually   /   Title: The Turing Test

Logline: A woman developing controversial AI starts having dreams from the perspective of a mass murderer, only to find out that her entire life is a lie set up by someone close to her — and that she has more in common with her code than she knows.

Genre: Science Fiction

Feedback level: Submission level

PG – Good logline and I love the premise! A little vague at the end, but overall, it works. On to Ch. 1. Okay, to some degree this is a style/preference thing, and to some degree it's how immediate, immersive, and intriguing your story feels. You write very well, first let me say this. But you have this style, that to me feels truncated, like you're leaving a lot of interesting dialogue and character insights out of the story. It's that thing where the bulk of your story is narrative with a little dialogue sprinkled in, but not really characters talking to each other and connecting (or clashing as the case may be).

Things like following sections (and this will probably only make sense to you, but...): A woman interrupts..."What about human intelligence, huh?"... Before I can think of a rebuttal, she turns away

"They're not worth it," Davis says...They don't know what they're talking about." I smile, but it doesn't reach its full potential. I open my computer and settle my hands on the keys...

"That's new," he comments, pointing at my ring. I feel a warm flush creeping up my neck. Why am I blushing?..."Yeah." I bite my lip..."That's a rock," he comments, obviously impressed. I shrug...

And you go on with a bit more narration and I think one word of dialogue, and then you end the chapter (on a cliffhanger, so well done there!) Anyway, I find this style of writing creates a distance between the reader the story. It's like you offer us the tease of conversation or of an exchange that will show us more about the characters (so you don't have to tell us via internal monologue) and then suddenly you back off and dive into narration. This style also makes for much slower paced stories. Some readers (and agents and editors) are perfectly fine with that, but I think overall it puts you at a disadvantage in the market and I know I don't get quite as excited by it, for me this is a pass.

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Username: Thomas-LF  /  Title: Beyond Legend: The Unbreakable Kingdom

Logline: In a world of magic and monsters, a young woman dreams of becoming a Knight despite being born into a common family. When she tries to prove herself in a tournament, she becomes involved in a dark conspiracy and must save the princess and her kingdom.

Genre: Fantasy

Feedback level: Submission level 

PG – Your logline is quite good! I'm drawn in by it, so that's cool. Now, onto Ch. 1 and your opening chapter is good. It has a certain charm to it, that I like. Ailith's unusual strength is intriguing and so is the stranger. But I'm not 100% onboard. It's not a terribly exciting opening, tbh. And are we with Ailith when she's a young child and then we'll hop to her as a teen for the rest of the story? If so, I mentioned this to another entrant: opening with a scene from the main character's childhood is so overdone in Fantasy, and while it's not a no-no, the childhood scene should really be 1) very exciting, thrilling, or shocking 2) do a fantastic job of immersing us in a fascinating world or 3) be laugh out loud funny so that we fall in love with the characters. Also, for a market assessment, another hesitancy I have is that--as mentioned previously--the Fantasy market is extremely competitive. You need more than just a good story, you need a strong hook, a unique twist, or something about your work that really sets it apart from the vast majority of Fantasy stories, especially if it has a Western influence to it, as most Fantasy stories do. I'm not getting a sense that your story stands out in that way. It's a well-written chapter, and I'm thinking if it falls within the Middle Grade market, it might fare better, since "light and sweet" might be more of what they're after. I'm not sure how saturated that market is. But as far as YA Fantasy, dark, unusual, immersive, sophisticated, and wholly unique are what seem to be selling at the moment. Definitely keep at it, though. It's a good story, but not right for me.

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Username: @Groovy_Jedi / Title: The Bone Society

Logline: Desmond Grey is on a mission to investigate an obscure magical order that murdered his father and discover why its abductees are scheduled for death.

Genre: Urban Fantasy

Feedback level: Submission level

PG – Your logline is good, although if you can get the stakes for Desmond in there somewhere, it would be better. Now, on to Ch. 1. I'm going to look at this very much from the perspective of an agent, because this one's tricky. I really like your first chapter. But, honestly, this is the 3rd or 4th entry I've read that opens with a fight scene (I started yours and then circled back after reading a few similar entries). Fight scenes this early in the game just blur together for me. I'm not crazy about that type of opening because you're not invested in the character yet, but I get that you're writing in a sort of a mini-genre influenced by films, anime, games, and comic books. So, that's fine, but I'm feeling the fatigue. I will say, that your worldbuilding is quite good and I love that you ended the chapter with Desmond visiting his sister. That brought in both his personality and some aspect of his character that I could connect with. As far as your opening, I'm not telling you to change it, just that this sort of opening is fairly common for this type of story. If you want to stand out, maybe revisit it and see if you can fashion and opening that's a little more original? Also, this is Urban fantasy, and that's a really, really tough market to crack, as far as traditional publication. Even with my own work, which is Urban Fantasy, I wouldn't be looking to get it traditionally published, even if it were written in narrative form. But I've picked this entry as one of my Honorable Mentions, which means I can talk to you at some point about these challenges.

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Username: @CaptainSarcastic101  /  Story: The Night Rider

Logline: After receiving a book that doesn't belong to him, the smoke wielding detective known as Hawkins tries to discover and protect the secrets within the powerful grimoire. Teaming up with the overachieving mist mage Nivara they must learn to work with each other in order to stop the demonic plot of an ironically dead necromancer.

Genre: Fantasy

Feedback Level: Wattpad Level

PG – Your logline is great! It tells me the who, what, and why of your story. Well done! Onto your Ch. 1. Okay, you write well...not a question. But here's my issue (see some of the reviews above), it was almost all telling. I would have loved to have learned more about Hawkins from his interaction with others. I mean you paint the scene well and I get a sense of the world, but I want to get to know your main character, to connect with him and/or his story as soon as possible. It's much harder to do that when you open with your character on their own. Either they have to be doing something really, really interesting, or we should get a peek into who they are as a person via deep POV (which is usually preferable to internal monologues.) I kind of feel like you used Hawkins walk home to orient us to the setting and give us a taste of the magic system in your world. That's not necessarily a bad thing, but if you can do that AS WELL AS give us deeper insight into your character, then you start hitting it out of the park as far as an opening.

Okay, that's it folks!

Whew!!

I hope this was helpful because I'm not sure I'll be doing this again next year--by that I mean the "feedback for all part", not the contest--I'll do the contest again when I can. So, please feel free to comment, discuss, and ask questions so this can be a learning experience for everyone. AND READ EACH OTHER'S WORK! We're all in this together.

Best,

❤️ ~ Paula