Omg, guys! I really hope this feedback is helpful because I am NEVER doing this again, at least not on this scale, lol. It wasn't reading your first chapters that was so exhausting, it was the processing, analyzing, and then having to articulate my reaction to your work that was more than I'd bargained for. Because, like I said in my announcement about the delay, I'm just not wired for brief one-liners. :-) Okay, well, lesson learned.

And (she slips on her teacher glasses) perhaps I should have stressed in BOLD AND IN ALL CAPS that your logline is pretty critical to getting your work noticed and chosen for something like this; but honestly, I thought that was obvious. I say this because it looks like some of y'all half-assed it and others just phoned it in. 

I'm giving you beef here because you say that you want submission-level feedback; and while I'm not going to hold you to true submission-level standards, if you don't even try to entice me or sell me your story when given ample space to do so (Remember--most logline requests are for one sentence, and I gave you three!), then there's a problem. If you're serious about taking your writing to the next level and pursuing it as a career, you should always be striving to put your best foot forward as far as your story is concerned--always. I'll call it a Story Summary next time and perhaps that may help; but really, it shouldn't have mattered. I was very underwhelmed on that front, guys. Okay, my cranky lecture (delivered with love) is now over.

Awesome! Let's dive into my gut reactions. What you'll be getting here is my externalized thoughts mixed with analysis from experience, and some subjective preferences thrown in. This is pretty much how professionals do it (from what I've seen from the agents and executives I've worked with and recalling back to when I was an exec. taking pitches). To be honest, there's more subjective preferences thrown in when the professionals do it because they have to choose projects they absolutely love or know they can make money off of. It's more do or die for them.

Also, note that as I said previously, this is sort of a running commentary and my reactions are, in part, building upon the previous ones and building over time. Thus, for example, my unadulterated frustration with prologues by the time I'd hit the eighth or ninth one. Below are some resources you should check out to better understand the more subjective side of accepting or passing on a query or work. 

Lastly, whether you were chosen or not I encourage you to read through the entry summaries and my responses AS WELL AS READ EACH OTHER'S WORKS! Just because I passed on a story, that doesn't mean it's not good or that you won't like it. Here's an opportunity to help out your fellow writers. It will give you a better context for my comments and if you comment or vote (which you should), it will give a boost to those participating in the contest. Let's all help each other, yeah?

Resources:

Nick, from Wattpad HQ wrote a tips books and has a whole chapter on why you should avoid prologues - https://www.wattpad.com/468789699-behind-wattpad-insights-on-writing-from-working-at

 A fascinating analysis of agent responses to queries (based on what the blogger could see from 200 Tweets and the like). He did three of them: 

https://hofsetz.com/2017/03/07/agent-x/

https://hofsetz.com/2017/03/23/agent-y/

https://hofsetz.com/2017/04/10/agent-z/ (This one is especially good)

Username: @AddieAft  / Title: Wickedly Wicked

Logline: Lilliana Burton who is a fiery businesswoman in her own right,has to reach out to her childhood friend for help,in order to achieve her dreams but at the risk of losing her heart once more.

Genre: Romance

Feedback level: Wattpad level

PG – I think your logline is okay, but you could have brought in more about the hero, especially since this is a romance, and you also could have brought in details from your books summary that would tell us more about your actual story: "Lilliana Burton is on the cusp of a deal with a high-end jewelry brand." "Thomas Sullivan had always taken Lilliana for granted while they were growing up"...that sort of stuff. Okay, now that that is done, onto your Ch. 1. I like it. You write well. Your word choice and the flow of the scene works fine, but it didn't really spark with personality until Noah entered the picture. He brought the spark, he brought the personality...not only because of who he was, but also because he and Thomas talked, they interacted, we got to see Thomas come to life a bit. I know he's got a lot weighing on him, so it's okay that the scene starts off very internal, but there felt like there was too much overall, especially since it was backstory. Truth be told, I kind of wanted a little less backstory on the ex-wife and a little more discussion around the brother. But all that aside, I think this is a fine story for Wattpad. Maybe play up the Billionaire CEO aspect more (like add those terms as part of your title, plaster it in your story summary, and get a cover with a dude in a suit) if more reads are what you're after. There's most assuredly and audience for that here, but you may have to be more blatant in your branding to attract them.

❖❖❖

Username: @AlcinaMystic   / Title: Shatter Like Glass

Logline: Pirate captain Ashen of Azure struggles to keep her father and crew safe.

Genre: Adventure

Feedback level: Submission level

PG – Yeah, so, this logline is remarkably bland and tells me NOTHING about your story, other than that it takes place on the high seas. So, when I talk about phoning it in. This is an example of that. BUT you hooked me with your "lady pirate," so now, I want to know more. So, I go to your book summary and NOW I get the good stuff: interesting world, high stakes, and lady pirates! It's a retelling—which personally—I'm not terribly drawn to; but I'm curious. I look at your first chapter and you write well, no doubt about that! But...here's the issue for me: it was a lot of telling, especially in the beginning. I would have loved to have been thrown into the middle of a high-stakes, dangerous or adventurous situation and then get backed into the ball and the backstory. I get the whole Cinderella thing; but I don't know, I wasn't as engaged as I'd hoped I'd be, not if we're talking about the first chapter of a submission-level entry. That may not be how your story is structured and I'm not saying that you have to change it, by any means, just that if I've only got so many slots to fill, I'm not as compelled by this opening as I'd like to be. So maybe a more compelling opening, of some sort is something to consider. And pirate stories are tough. There was an entry last time that had this same issue. From what I've seen, agents have communicated via their #MSWL that they want different. The only request for pirates that I saw, last I checked, was for trans pirates or Jewish pirates, and I was, like, "Yes! I would love to see those too!" Lady pirates are interesting, but they're not terribly unique, not without another layer added to them. Here on Wattpad, however, there is a niche for them, for sure. One pirate story was picked up for the Hachette audio deal a few years back and another just got added to Paid Stories. Now, while there are other factors that come into play as far as choosing those works, at least you know there's a market, just probably a niche one and maybe not without you pushing the boundaries of your story or your character to heighten its appeal. Just something to think about. All this being said, your story did look good!

❖❖❖

Username: @___Yoshi___ / Title: Ten

Logline: Kate and her brother Joe are forced to leave their home and left out in the open where a deadly virus lurks on the skins of the infected. Kate believes there is a cure, but Joe would rather execute the infected to start a new generation of people.

Genre: Mystery/Thriller

Feedback: Submission Level

PG – First let me say, I LOVE THE ARTWORK IN YOUR STORY HEADER! Did you do that yourself? Very nice! Now, on to your logline: truth is, it didn't really grab me...at first. The "left out in the open" part is awkward and vague and virus stories are quite common. But then I got to the last sentence--the part about starting a new generation of people--and that caught my attention! So, I'm like, "Oooh! That's intriguing!!" Okay, now I'm hooked, so I read your summary and first chapter. Your summary didn't really help or hurt, so I moved on to Ch. 1, and that's where I ran into issues. Your writing is fine, but your first chapter is not terribly compelling. You have your character looking for a flower (which I get is key to your story, but that scene doesn't lead to anything dramatic). Then, he's doing his homework, eating a bowl of cereal, and contemplating his weight. And then, folks start getting sick and I thought, "Okay, now we're going to get to see the infected! Now, we get zombies...or something to that effect!" But, no...no...they go to the doctors. Honestly, at that point, it just wasn't working for me. With no strong conflict, no high drama, no action, by this stage...it's a pass. 

❖❖❖

Username: @Ellowyne   /   Title: Magic's Minister

Logline: A cynic mage struggles to break a curse that is slowly stealing his magic while grappling with his feelings for his long-suffering assistant.

Genre: Fantasy-romance

Feedback: Submission Level

PG – Your logline is fine. I like the emotional struggle angle. Your book summary is much better, though! Lots of personality that was missing from the logline, so I read on. Okay, I get into Ch. 1 and I like what I'm reading. Sedgwick is an interesting character and I like how you describe his magic. And I also like that there's this romantic tension between him and his assistant. I think where the chapter fell a little short for me was that you describe Sedgwick as striking fear into everyone around him and being feared by his enemies. But to me, he just seemed like a cranky, old bureaucrat--a magical one--but a bureaucrat, nonetheless. If the chapter had opened with much bigger stakes (like what are these circumstances that cause him to inspire such fear in people around him, and why can't we start the story in the midst of, or at least at the tail end of, the incident outlined in the report at the end?) Then, you transition into his more everyday world where he's basically an administrator...something like that would have pulled me in more. I am interested in the story, though, so I'll probably circle back to it at some point. 

❖❖❖

Username: @ReadingZee   /  Title: Remain Silent

Logline: Six months after intentially shooting and murdering her fellow police officers, Rebecca Caurso is prematurely released from prison only to witness a horrific news broadcast regarding the targeted-death of her older brother, Rafael. With the law she once knew against her, Rebecca turns to the city's criminally elite to help solve this daunting matter. But with the criminals pointing fingers at the cops and vice versa, there's one thing for certain...Trust no one.

Especially as the murderer lurks near, remaining silent amongst the crowd, anticipating her every move. Planning the next attack.

Genre: Mystery/ Thriller

Feedback level: Submission level

PG – Okay, as far as your logline, it's good! It gives me a nice sense of the story, main character, and conflict. There are little nit-picky things you could fix next time: "intentionally" is misspelled; "targeted-death" doesn't need to be hyphenated (I don't think); "witness a horrific news broadcast" was really awkward because given the nature of the story (I thought she was going to get out and witness a horrific crime); and I think it's "criminal elite". Now, on to Ch. 1. I like it! I like your main character and her defiance. What I was less thrilled with was that without having read the summary, I would have NO clue who she was or what she was doing in prison. I suspect this is somewhat a function of an artificially short chapter due to it being on Wattpad; however, where you chose to end the chapter also felt very abrupt and kind of anti-climactic, given her situation. I can't believe I'm doing this, but this is one of those rare occasions where the chapter would benefit from just a little more backstory or perhaps a prologue-type scene at the start. I mentioned this to someone else, but there's not a law that says a Wattpad chapter has to be confined to only one scene. I feel like there's more you could have done with this first chapter to set up your story and draw us in. Definitely for a submission, I would beef up your first chapter more.

❖❖❖

Username: @Chido_10bell  /  Title: Parallels

Logline: A girl named Bella has to live through the grief of her mother and as time passes she discovers that her life has practically been a lie from all the secrets she unravels.

Genre: Teen-Fiction

Feedback level: Submission level

PG – Secrets are good. Secrets are intriguing. And I'm glad you included that in your logline, but I wish you'd given me more about your STORY in the logline as well. You can reveal more ABOUT the secret (what causes it, what is its impact, what are the consequences of the secret being revealed?) without actually revealing what the secret IS, if that makes sense. Doing something like that would make this a much more appealing logline. But, I'm a sucker for secrets, so let me go check out your story. Okay, here's my first impression...your first chapter is chock full of emotion, but it feels like it's largely for the purposes of communicating the backstory about the mother. I'm not really invested in your character yet (I don't know her personality yet and I don't know what her journey is going to be--that sort of thing...) so I'm not really resonating with her nightmares and her grief. That first chapter is an emotional play (and serves a purpose), but it doesn't pay out for me. I, and I think a lot of agents and editors, are drawn into scenes where multiple things are happening at once: you're learning about the main character and who they fundamentally are (their personality); you're learning about the dynamics of their world (this is the rich scene setting and/or world-building); and you're getting a sense of what either their external journey (the plot) or their internal journey (their character arc) will be. You write well, but this is a pass for me.

❖❖❖

Username: @lionobsession   /   Title: Unite: The Broken World Trilogy Book I

Logline: A human girl snatched from Earth must unite a fractured world to rise up against the woman who fed her on lies for years - her own mother.

Genre: Fantasy

Feedback level: Submission level

PG – That's a pretty good logline, but I'm not getting a sense of what's at stake with the lies. I mean my mom told me that Santa and the Tooth Fairy were real for years, but that doesn't make for a compelling story. It kinda feels like you've outlined half the stakes of your story here (needs to unite a fractured world) but the mother's lies part feels half-baked. There are more details from your story summary that I think—by using a compound-complex sentence, if you wanted to limit it to only one—you could inject into your logline. Moving on. Okay, my first thought...ugh! Another prologue! Seriously, folks have GOT to learn how to build in atmosphere and elegantly feed in backstory instead of relying on prologues. This over-reliance on prologues is--to a lot of agents and editors, FYI--irritating. This is not a reflection on you, btw. This is just the point in my reviews where I broke down and is a reflection of my fatigue from having to read them, one after another, which is exactly how a lot of agents and editors feel when they're plowing through the slush pile. A lot of them HATE prologues, tbh, because most are unnecessary and just slow the start of your story. Just something to keep in mind. And yours is fairly long and feels like exposition that could be handled in your first few chapters. I'm about halfway through, and I stop and skip to Ch. 1. Now, your first chapter is more dynamic and I'm enjoying it much more than the prologue. But, to be honest, the beginning is a lot of telling. Let me state that you write really well. But by the time the action kicks in, I've kinda tuned out. This is one of those cases where I really like your writing, but I'm not wowed by the story, so if I were an agent or editor, I'd ask to see what else you have or for you to let me know about your next work.

❖❖❖

Username- @MayFriday13  /  Title- Hide Out

Logline- An overly curious scientist who happened to stumble upon the supernatural world as the journey they'll have together lead to the path of self discovery and love.

Genre- paranormal

Feedback level: Submission level

PG – Let's start with your logline...I gotta say, I'm mostly left thinking what supernaturals are being referred to here? It's a very generic term, and for someone who likes Fantasy, especially Paranormal and Urban Fantasy, I really want to know what kind of supernaturals I'll be dealing with. The use of the term sort of suggests that this is a mish-mash world and maybe the world-building will be on the lighter, all-in-one side; rather than a rich world with very elaborate rules, customs, and history—one that's much more likely to intrigue me. But, I like the genre, so I read on. Oh, no...ugh! See my review above on prologues. Honestly, I just skip this one altogether, and if you're thinking, "Wait! That's unfair! You read other prologues!" Here's a lesson in the query game: you never know when you're going to be the last query or submission in the pile. Your work has to be able to push past the submission fatigue the editor or agent is undoubtedly feeling. It's just how it works. Now, on to your Ch. 1. Hmm...so far, it's a lot of telling with a somewhat interesting heroine—because she's a Biologist with issues—but nothing high-stakes is happening, there's no magic, there's no worldbuilding, there's an issue at work, but I'm left feeling kind of "meh" about it. Now, I have a sneaking suspicion that some of what I'm looking for might have been in the prologue; but if so, then this is very problematic. If you're prepping this for submission, see what you can do to bring anything truly interesting or exciting from your prologue into your first chapter. Scene changes are preferable to chopping up the story into a prologue and an opening chapter. Trust me...prologues are more harmful than helpful. This is a pass.

❖❖❖

Username:@kadauhara99  / Title: The Next Pharaoh

Logline: Leilo Muez, a 16 year old, is kidnapped in the dead of night to a different dimension, where he's the crown prince and his father, the Pharaoh is dying. A coming of age story following Leilo and how he adjusts to new expectations and threats from powerful rivals/enemies. And the story of Egypos and of the past and current alliances between the Noble Houses, played out on the grounds of the Prince's School.

Genre: Fantasy

Feedback level: Submission level

PG – Okay, that logline is a bit jumbled, especially towards the end; but it's unique, so I'm intrigued. But, you've only got one chapter and a map. Hmm... Then, on to chapter 1 which begins with your MC being bullied. Okay, bullying is very important issue and one I think young people should explore and tackle. Which is why it's an extremely common theme for Wattpad stories—even when they're ostensibly about something else. It's a very Wattpad sort of thing. You asked for submission-level feedback so I'm going to give it to you. You're not ready. This isn't a story, from what I've seen, that would resonate in the marketplace. However, you're tackling a very important theme that many Wattpad readers want to read about, and you're doing it in a unique way, so I say go for it! Keep writing this story!! For the purposes of this contest, though, it's a pass.

❖❖❖

Username: @StoryWritersNeverLie / Title: ZomPon

Logline: Amelia and her unit fight against Handlers and zombies to keep the peace between everything that lives on Earth. But when one of them breaks The Code everything around them is bond to crash and burn.

Genre: Fantasy

Feedback level: Submission level

PG – Aside from the fact that I think you mean "bound" not "bond," your logline is not bad. The thing that hooks me, honestly, is The Code. I'm intrigued by that, so I go to your book. Your book summary is miles better than your logline. What appeals to me most is the part about the characters' lives outside of ZomPon. I really wanted more hints of that part of the story in your first chapter. I like what you did in Ch. 1, that is after the very first part, which was like a sneaky prologue, tbh. Once you got to the card game, I was engaged. This is where I really, really wanted sneak peeks into the character's interior lives, the ones you hinted at in the story summary. I've seen card games used for this sort of thing before, revealing backstory and character dynamics, and it offers a great vignette. Yours was so brief, I was left wanting. Zombie stories are tough in the traditional market. They do well as self-published books and here on Wattpad, so there's definitely market demand, just more niche than other types of stories. The Zombies + Witches, Warlocks, etc. is a unique twist, but I didn't get enough from Ch. 1 not to give this a pass.

❖❖❖

Username: @SmokeAndOranges   / Title: Frost on the Grasslands

Logline:

A runaway and a traitor's child,An exile from a clan thought dead,A winter chill that southward creeps; History in Shelha never sleeps.

Genre: Fantasy

Feedback level: Submission level

PG – I like the poem; I do. But it's not a logline, so hmm... Next, we have...ugh...what's essentially a prologue. If you read some of the other reviews, you know how I'm feeling about prologues just about now. But yours is short, so I'm going to read it. Know, though, that I may cut short my read of your Ch. 1 because that's how these things go in real life. You raise the bar for yourself by adding in a prologue or other ancillary material prior to your first chapter. It's like saying, okay, I'm going to make you work for Ch. 1, so now I owe you a Ch. 1 that will blow you out of the water! (A little time passes) Okay, I've read the prologue, or Chapter Zero and had it not ended in a hook, I might have been annoyed. Just being honest. Now, on to Ch. 1... Okay, dude (I call everyone dude, btw) you write REALLY well! But these time jumps, the occasional very contemporary vernacular, and the rushed nature of the scenes unfolding make for a disjointed read. There's a lot going on, but I don't really have a sense of this world. I also don't have a sense of the characters, like at all. And then very significant events start happening and I'm...lost to be honest. One of the best "drop you into the midst of a world" openings I've read in ages is from Children of Blood and Bone. While it benefits from first person POV, you learn so much about the world and the characters in such a short time, that you're entirely immersed in the story within pages. I always suggest writers take advantage of Amazon's "Look Inside" feature to study good story openings. My three favorite fantasy stories (Children of B & B, Six of Crows, and Game of Thrones) all do an excellent job of immersing the reader in a world while introducing characters you care about from the get-go. There are other examples, I'm sure, but I would make a point of an intentional study of story openings in the Fantasy genre and see what techniques you can pick up. P.S. – Yes, I know GOT starts with a prologue. George gets a pass, he's just that good. 😊

❖❖❖

Username: @cheytaylor1 / Title: Bushido: Vampire Hunter
Summary: The heart of a warrior...The Fury of an immortal...The soul of a hero! Kashimba, a half breed of vampire and human, wanders the world in search of the undead vampires that took the life of her mother, but will she fully give in to the curse of the vampire?

Genre: Action

Feedback level: Wattpad level

PG – I like your logline, especially the opening. A logline assessment is a very subjective thing, but I think it gives the story an epic feel. It peters out, though, by the last part of the sentence, so I would aim for coming up with a stronger finish for it. After this, I dive in. Now, by this point in the reviews, I just want to commit prologue hara-kiri. It seems that every entry has one, and...ugh! But yours is short and I kinda understand why you added it, so I proceed. The first part of your first chapter is really one big fight scene with some backstory thrown in. Now, we know some of why she's doing what she's doing from the prologue (which is why it works, for the most part). But I don't know her...who she is today, personality-wise, so I'm not really connecting with her. She is badass, though, and I like that. The rest of the chapter is exposition. It does the job, but we don't get to know the characters very well (other than their role in the story), and there's not another layer to the story (like complex politics or complicated family dynamics) to draw me in. I think your story should appeal to the comic book and anime audience here on Wattpad, though. It has a lot of action and interesting characters, although two-dimensionally drawn at this point.

❖❖❖

Username: @kacquah / Title: Fright School Book 1

Log line: A group of teenagers must make it to the safest place for them as they are pursued by dark forces.

Genre: Adventure/Fantasy

Feedback level: Didn't say

PG – Okay, for a logline this is VERY lackluster. For example, "safest place" ...what does that mean? "...pursued by dark forces..." Hmm...can't get much more generic than that. For a one-sentence logline, you have plenty of room to add more descriptors and give us a better sense of your story, a sense of your central conflict. I actually gave you three sentences to sell me on your story in this contest, so to only give me this? You're not doing yourself any favors, my friend. Ok, I move on. I can't...I just can't. Ugh! TWO PROLOGUES?! Yeah, no. I'm skipping them. Now, for Ch. 1. At this point, I don't know who Joseph is or what he's about. If we learned about him in either of the two prologues, then you may be losing readers who never get past this chapter to learn more. I like that you add a sense of mystery at the end of Ch. 1. I took a peek ahead and you don't start to introduce the five teenagers you mention in your logline until 6 chapters in. You're asking your readers to wade through a ton of material (even if it's short chapters) before they get to and can connect with your ensemble cast of characters. That's a really big ask. If you were to prep this for submission, I'd suggest condensing anything absolutely crucial in the prologue as well as Joseph's chapters into just a couple so that you can get to your main characters quicker. For Wattpad, it's probably fine.

❖❖❖

Username: @KevinaOyatedor / Title: Rachel & Andrew

Summary: Andrew's family moved into a new neighborhood. Rachel's not so keen on another neighbor. There's no denying the two harbor an attraction to each other. Andrew's willing to take it to the level. Rachel refused to get close.

Genre: Young Adult

Feedback level: Didn't say

PG – "Andrew's family moved into a new neighborhood. Rachel's not so keen on another neighbor." Oh, dear...that's incredibly generic and...confusing. I'm not feeling too excited by this story so far. "Andrew's willing to take it to the level." (What???) "Rachel refused to get close." (Close to whom and how???) Hmm...your logline is not reading well. Logline requirements are usually between one and two sentences. However, sometimes they give a word limit instead or are more generous, as were mine. In any case, you should ALWAYS have three or four variations of a story summary that run between a one-sentence logline up to a 500-word story summary; and in each version, you should use compelling verbs and adjectives to tell the reviewer (whether that be a judge, an agent, or an editor): 1) who your protagonist is, 2) what they want, and 3) what exciting, nearly impossible, or compelling conflict is standing in their way. I'm sorry, but I'm not getting any of that here. But, I take a look at your summary anyway (it's also too sparse) and your first chapter. The story from the summary and Ch.1 aren't offering me anything new and there are grammar issues, so if you're serious about querying this, I'd definitely get a good copy edit and also look for a better hook for your story, even a thin one (think the physical letters in "To All the Boys I'd Loved Before"). You actually inhabit your MC, Rachel's, voice well and you had me chuckling at her snarkiness. Andrew started off kinda funny, for a Bad Boy, then got creepy when he started to oogle her chest. I get it, but at this point I know this isn't the right story for me. You've got an appealing YA voice, though, so with a grammar clean up and the right exposure, this story should do well on Wattpad. I'd think about a photo-realistic cover—like the ones so popular in the Teen Fiction category—and a better summary, that brings in a bit of that snark (Maybe an edited version of him referring to her as a stripper? It might put some people off, but I thought that exchange was kinda funny.)

❖❖❖

Username: @bluemoongypsy / Title: Serendipity

Log Line: Dana Halliday is an ordinary veterinarian trying to decide what to do with the rest of her life, when her cousin Adrian Travers arrives in town after a long absence. To Dana's surprise, Adrian hasn't just been traveling abroad, he's been traveling in space with his new friend, Flynt, an alien from the planet Fenn. The purpose of his visit: to hire Dana as a doctor on his spaceship, because who better to treat alien species than a veterinarian?

Genre: Science Fiction

Feedback level: Submission level

PG – Your logline, is great! I like it!! So, I turn to your story and...yeah, by this point, I've hit my eighth or ninth prologue of the day and I can't...I just can't read anymore, so I hop on over to your Ch. 1. (Please see all my previous notes about prologues. I have to say, having gone through this experience, I now understand why agents hate them so much!) Okay, I dig in and I like your protagonist--I empathize with her--but I'm not feeling any sense of urgency here. Annoyance, fatigue, and a change on the horizon for your character, perhaps? Yes. But not anything high-stakes to draw me in. I went back and peeked at your prologue and also your chapter two, and honestly, if I were you, I would find a way to condense your current Ch. 1 down to its most essential elements and either combine it with the prologue and make that your Ch. 1 or combine it with your current Ch. 2 and make that your Ch. 1. You can have scene changes within one chapter, even on Wattpad. If it gets too long, then save it for your submission. That's just a suggestion but it's entirely up to you.

❖❖❖

Username: @DebAMacD / Title: The Haven High Series Enlightened Book One

Log line: Zach Reis, a so-called ordinary jock, finds out he's not ordinary after all. He's actually a halfblood magical being. Will he survive the new dangerous world he's been thrust into?

Genre: Urban fantasy

Feedback level: Submission level

PG – Okay, honestly, you dropped the ball on your logline with the generic "Will he survive the new dangerous world he's been thrust into?" but it was saved by one simple world – "halfblood." I'm intrigued by that. Halfblood suggests conflict to me, and MC torn between two worlds. Cool! So, I click over to your summary and then take a look at your first chapter. The summary's all right. It's the whole Magical School trope, but a trope I happen to love. And I like that the MC's best friend is female (complicated romantic potential, anyone?), but you start to lose me with what's really beginning to sound like a story that just follows Zac's first year at the Academy. Honestly, that's a bit of a snoozer. AND THEN, you hit me with a laundry list of conflict, that while inelegantly presented, has me intrigued again, so I click on to Ch.1 and your first two (I guess technically five) sentences totally draw me in. They hint at a great writer voice and humor, so even though I have some reservations, I read on. I like what I'm reading, but in terms of the market, this one is a tough one to place. I've picked this entry as one of my Honorable Mentions, which means I can talk to you at some point about these challenges.

❖❖❖

Username: @Groovy_Jedi / Title: The Bone Society

Logline: Desmond Grey is on a mission to investigate an obscure magical order that murdered his father and discover why its abductees are scheduled for death.

Genre: Urban Fantasy

Feedback level: Submission level

PG – Your logline is good, although if you can get the stakes for Desmond in there somewhere, it would be better. Now, on to Ch. 1. I'm going to look at this very much from the perspective of an agent, because this one's tricky. I really like your first chapter. But, honestly, this is the 3rd or 4th entry I've read that opens with a fight scene (I started yours and then circled back after reading a few similar entries). Fight scenes this early in the game just blur together for me. I'm not crazy about that type of opening because you're not invested in the character yet, but I get that you're writing in a sort of a mini-genre influenced by films, anime, games, and comic books. So, that's fine, but I'm feeling the fatigue. I will say, that your worldbuilding is quite good and I love that you ended the chapter with Desmond visiting his sister. That brought in both his personality and some aspect of his character that I could connect with. As far as your opening, I'm not telling you to change it, just that this sort of opening is fairly common for this type of story. If you want to stand out, maybe revisit it and see if you can fashion and opening that's a little more original? Also, this is Urban fantasy, and that's a really, really tough market to crack, as far as traditional publication. Even with my own work, which is Urban Fantasy, I wouldn't be looking to get it traditionally published, even if it were written in narrative form. But I've picked this entry as one of my Honorable Mentions, which means I can talk to you at some point about these challenges.

Okay, this chapter is getting crazy long, so I'm going to split it up into two.

Please feel free to comment, discuss, or ask questions.