The breeze hit the boy's exposed neck and Namjoon watched the small hair fluttered in the wind. Even when it was covered with the white collar, Namjoon could imagine the soft skin on his lips.

No, he had never touched the skin before.

And he wanted to, so, so bad.

But he could never.

The boy was his best friend.

And Kim Seok Jin wasn't even gay.

They walked together from school, Namjoon walking a little bit slowet than needed, just to stare at the wide shoulders, the slim waist and of course, that nape.

"Namjoon ah,"

He quickly averted his eyes from the nape to the beautiful soft eyes. "Hmm?"

"Have you told your parents?"

Namjoon kept quiet before shaking his head, pausing from walking because Jin did too. "Only you."

Jin nodded. "I can be there for you when you want to tell them."

Smiling, Namjoon cocked his head a little. "Not anytime soon. I don't think a middle schooler's confession about being gay will be handled seriously. They'll probably think it's just a phase."

The older nodded again, possibly agreeing Namjoon was right. "Nintendo?"

Grinning, Namjoon nodded quickly, happy to be spending his afternoon at Jin's bungalow, playing games.

Just a few hours more being close to the boy he loved, before going back home and counting the minutes to tomorrow, to see the boy again.

———

"But why do you have to move?"

Namjoon pursed his lips, trying hard not to cry. They said boys don't cry. Especially high school ones.

"Namjoon ah, you know you can just stay with me until you're done with school. We're graduating this year anyways. A few months isn't that long."

Looking down at the bedsheets, Namjoon traced the patterns on the soft cotton with his fingers and sighed. He made up his mind. He had to move, of course, because his parents wanted to take him away from the bullying after someone guessed Namjoon was gay and he was too flustered to deny it.

"Namjoon..?"

"I love you, Jin hyung." Namjoon tried his best to keep the tears in, and he succeeded. "I've always been. I'm glad I passed the test to be in the same grade as you. I'm glad I told you my deepest and darkest secret and you were fine with it. I'm glad my first love is a wonderful, smart and beautiful person. And I'm glad I finally have the courage to confess to you."

Namjoon couldn't look at Jin in the eye. He was afraid. Afraid of so many things but most of all he was afraid of rejection, even though he wasn't even expecting anything.

"Thank you, Jin hyung. For everything."

It wasn't until four years later they met again.

The day Namjoon's heart broke into a million pieces.

"H-hey."

"Hey, Jin hyung."

"You're working here now?"

"Yeah." Namjoon was quick to add, "but I didn't know you are too. I wouldn't if I knew you were."

"What are you talking about? I'm glad you did."

Finally after four years, Namjoon looked Jin in the eye. "You are?" He thought after all these years, he'd have forgotten. But his heart didn't. It would still beat fast at the sight of the beautiful man.

"Of course. Beer after work?"

Maybe.

Just maybe.

This time he'd have a chance.

"Namjoon! Over here! Sit here!"

Namjoon grinned.

"Hey, meet my girlfriend."

That grin faltered.

Of course Namjoon was quick to smile politely again, bowing a little to the pretty lady.

That was the moment he decided to stop his feelings.

No. To stop it would be impossible.

He'd just keep it in check. Suppressing it as he had done so before. It wouldn't be that hard, would it?

Namjoon was proven wrong again.

"W-wait. I don't know where he's staying!" Trying hard to balance his own weight with Jin hanging on his arm, drunk, Namjoon shook his head violently to Jin's girlfriend. "You should know, shouldn't you? You're the girlfriend!"

"I can't. I'm staying the opposite direction."

There was nothing Namjoon could do when the girl fished his pocket for his phone, not when his own hands were preoccupied trying to keep the older man on his feet.

"Password?"

"W-what?"

"Your phone. I'm sending you his address."

"1212." There was no way people could guess what it meant. Namjoon liked it.

"Sent! Good luck." The girl whom Namjoon had forgotten her name leaned closer to Jin and scrunched her nose at the strong scent of alcohol. "I'm off, baby. See you soon." After dropping a quick kiss on his cheek, the girl left, leaving Namjoon with a drunk man and an address.

Truthfully, he was annoyed.

Not at Jin.

He was annoyed at the pet name calling and the peck.

The taxi brought them to the address easily and Namjoon heaved up to carry the other man's weight again, pulling the small waist closer to his body.

"Why the fuck did you have to drink so much?"

"You've really grown. You cursed."

Namjoon dropped the man. It was good they were in the elevator rather than the stairs.

"Ouch." Jin dragged his body to the metal wall and leaned back, his eyes glassy and half closed, looking at Namjoon as if it was something new but old, like seeing your once favorite toy in the attic.

"If you were sober why the fuck did you make me carry you all the way here?" No. Namjoon wasn't angry. He was flustered. Jin's voice just now was too close to his ear.

The elevator dinged and Namjoon pulled the man up to push him out.

"You can get to your door now. Bye." He quickly tapped the close button multiple times, but the door won't budge. That was when he realized Jin's foot blocking the door. "Hyung, what are you d—"

There wasn't time for Namjoon to process what happened when he found himself inside Jin's apartment, pushed against the closed door and face dangerously close to Jin's.

"W-what are you doing, Jin hyung?"

"Why Namjoon?"

"Why what?"

"Why did you leave four years ago?"

Namjoon scoffed and tried to push the man back a little but he wouldn't budge. For a drunk man, he was still pretty strong. Namjoo would be lying if he didn't say that sort of turned him on. "Because of the bullying. You knew that hyung."

"But why didn't you call me?"

"I couldn't."

"Because you confessed?"

"Yes."

"Why?"

Namjoon frowned. "Why I confessed?"

"No."

Somehow, perhaps it was all in Namjoon's mind but, Jin seemed to move even closer and Namjoon could feel the graze of drunk Jin's soft lips on his. "Why what, hyung?"

"Why did I miss you so much?"