Song: "Hard to Say I'm Sorry" by Chicago

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He said her name.

While he was making love to me.

It was powerful. Earth-shattering. Profound.

Until he said her name.

All my breath seemed to have been squeezed out of my chest, but it wasn't because of Harry's weight against me. My body stiffened and his did too - he recognized his mistake immediately. Still, I pushed him off me and got out of bed.

"Regan." His voice was scratchy but full of remorse. I grabbed a bathrobe off the end of the bed and threw it around me. Then I hurried to the bathroom and locked the door behind me. I stared at myself in the mirror - my hair was mussed and my cheeks and chest were flushed. But my eyes were glazing over. I tried not to cry - I knew he didn't mean it. Or did he? Maybe I was just a substitute for her, someone to help him to not feel so lonely.

Did he think about her when we had sex?

The idea made me nauseated, and the alcohol wasn't helping. I turned on the faucet full blast and splashed cold water on my face. I began to feel too hot so I threw the robe off me and sat down on it next to the toilet. I sat there with my head leaned back against the cool tile, my eyes closed. The rush of nausea was subsiding, but I didn't want to move yet.

I heard a soft knock on the bathroom door. "Regan, please open the door, love."

I took a deep breath, trying to steady my voice before I spoke. "Just give me a few minutes, Harry. Okay?"

"Okay," I heard him say, but I didn't hear him walk away.

I finally found the strength to stand up, put the robe back on and open the door. As I had guessed, Harry was standing right there, wearing the other robe and waiting for me.

"I'm so sorry, my sweet," he said, taking a step toward me but I stayed where I was. I thought the tears were gone, but they came back without any warning, causing my chest to heave with deep sobs. He then pulled me into his grasp and I didn't resist. "Oh, baby, I'm so sorry," he said again. "I promise you, I didn't mean to say that. It was just, I don't even understand why I said it. I'm so sorry.  Can you please forgive me."

He held me tightly while my body jerked with sobs. It took a while before I could speak coherently. "I do, Harry. I do forgive you. I don't think you intended to hurt me but it hurt just the same."

"I know," he said, using one hand to hold me against him while he used the other hand to stroke my hair heavily, keeping my head against his chest. "I can't imagine how much."

Finally, my tears ceased and I pulled away, finding kleenex to dry my face and blow my nose. Then I went and climbed into the bed, sitting with my back against the headboard with my knees drawn up to my chest. Harry climbed in next to me and sat pretty much the same way on his side of the bed.

Maybe he was giving me space. I was so confused - did I have a right to be upset? Was this part of the healing process for him and I was just being insensitive? We really hadn't been together that long, but he said he loved me. There was no guidebook for this, and as I'd told him after we first kissed, I didn't know how to be with someone who had already found his soulmate and then lost her.

I  wanted to be his soulmate.

I wanted to be his one and only - I didn't want to share that spot with anyone else. But I knew going into this that I wasn't in that coveted space in his heart and I was okay with that for the time being. But I wasn't okay with that anymore and it just led me to wonder if I was being unreasonable, or if we should have just waited longer before pursuing any type of romantic contact. But it was too late now. I just hoped that eventually I'd be the one at the center of his heart.

"Do you...." My voice trembled and I hesitated about asking the question but it spilled out anyway. "Do you think about her when we're together? I mean do you imagine her instead of me?" I was trying not to cry again, but the tingling in my nose signaled more tears.

That's when Harry moved close to me and put his arms around me. "No, Regan, absolutely not. Please believe me. I wouldn't do that - I couldn't do that to you. Or her. You're here and she's gone, I know that. Tonight was magical and every moment, every thought was about you." His voice sounded quivery. "But in that one split second, I was overwhelmed and just...I don't even know if I can explain how it happened. I guess it was like auto-pilot taking over. It just came out, and I promise you that I wasn't thinking of her at all. I just knew that I hurt you and I wanted to take it back immediately. I wish I could."

"I just feel so unprepared. I know you're still working on letting go completely, and grief takes a long time. And I know she was the love of your life. I just...." I was fighting back yet another round of tears. Ugh, the stupid alcohol wasn't helping. "You're the first person, the only person I've ever felt this way about. You're my first love, hopefully my only love. But I'm not yours." I finished in a whisper as the tears came silently this time.

He didn't say anything right away, and wisely so. I don't think anything else would have helped in that moment. I just needed him to know how I felt and that I was afraid I would never mean as much to him as she did. He held me tighter and kissed the top of my head. Finally, he simply said, "I love you, Regan and all I can do is hope that you believe me." I nodded, not saying anything else. Gradually, we sunk further into the bed and Harry kept me close the whole night.

~*~*~

Usually, when I wake up on my birthday, I think immediately about how it's my special day. I thought ahead to brunch with my family and then further ahead when Harry and I would meet Beth, Malcolm, Philip and Lisa and leave for a destination which they hadn't revealed to me yet. When Beth told me late last week that she had asked Gabby if both of us could take the day off on the Monday following my birthday. I couldn't decide whether I wanted to be excited that she did that for me, or angry because I had missed several days during the fall months and my paychecks were suffering. By now, I was thoroughly excited, knowing we were most likely heading to an overnight destination.

However, my excitement quickly lost its hold, like a kite falling from a windless sky. When I turned to look at sleeping Harry, I remembered my hurt from last night. I knew he didn't mean to hurt me and I believed him that his unfortunate outburst was completely involuntary. From what I had experienced of sex so far, it was easy to understand how someone could get carried away. Her name was something he'd said in all of his intimate encounters - for years - before he met me.

But it still hurt.

I sat up in bed, feeling a slight twinge of a headache and some residual nausea from the night before. I went to the sink and filled a glass of water and downed some Tylenol. Then I climbed back in bed, sitting against the headboard. I wanted to forget the worst of last night and focus on the celebration today.

I heard Harry rustle under the covers and groan - a sure sign he was waking up. "Hey," he mumbled in his rich morning voice. "Happy birthday, love."

"Thank you," I whispered.

"How are you feeling?"

"A little headache is all," I answered, knowing that's not what he was asking.

"Regan," he said, reaching for me. "Come here." I snuggled down into his waiting arms. "I wish I could have a do-over last night because I swear to you, every single moment, my mind was on you and how much I love you. How thankful I am that you came into my life." He kissed my cheek and neck. "How much I adore you." He nipped at my collarbone. "How much I wanted you. If I could take that split second back, I would do it in a heartbeat. I'd be saying your name over and over again because you made me feel so amazing. You always do."

I knew he meant it and I couldn't help but allow a smile to crawl across my face as I thought of him saying my name that way. "Thank you," I told him. He responded with a kiss to my forehead. "Did you ever think about her...I mean imagine it was her instead of me, when we were kissing or anything else?"

"No! Never. From the moment you captured my attention, I was enamored with you. There was only one time..." He stopped to purposefully look me in the eye. "One time when I was kissing you that I had this strange feeling she was watching me."

I jerked back a little. "Was it that first day we were at your house?"

He nodded decisively. "Yeah. You noticed, didn't you?"

"Yeah, I did. You stopped kissing me very suddenly and you looked kind of shocked at something."

"It was very strange," he admitted.

"That same day when you were at the store, I felt like someone was behind me and I thought you had come home and I hadn't noticed you. That's when I called you and you were just pulling into the driveway."

"Hmm, that does seem odd. But you were in a new place all by yourself. That can be unnerving," he assured me.

I nodded, humbly agreeing with him and not bothering to bring up the weird light in his window. I rolled onto my back and he pushed up on his elbow over me. He brought his hand to the side of my face and gently brushed the wisps of hair away.

"I love you," he whispered. "And you are not just a substitute for Cathryn."

With those words, he spoke directly to my fears. "Thank you. I love you, too." I pulled him down to kiss me and he eagerly obliged. His warm, delicious lips caressed mine while his hand moved up and down my side, caressing the rest of me. The embrace became heated and if I had allowed, it would have led to sex, but I held back just enough so he knew I wasn't really ready yet, and neither of us said a thing; we both just understood. And that made me feel more loved than ever.

* * * * *

Many of you were upset about the ending of the last chapter. I don't blame you - I felt it, too. But I can totally understand Harry (well, not completely since I'm not a man, lol) but sex can be so overwhelming that sometimes things come out without our monitoring them first.

I promised a double update earlier BUT I just can't stay awake. The next chapter will be up tomorrow, hopefully in the morning. I'm sorry to disappoint but I just have to sleep and then I'll have a fresh brain.

If you want more after that, then go read the first installment in my new spoof book and leave a comment so I know you read it! LOL Okay, maybe I won't do that but I'm SUPER excited about it because it's DIFFERENT than anything I've ever written and it's pretty funny. Please! :D