Song: "Torn" performed by One Direction

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As much as I wanted to run home to the comfort of my family for the weekend, I just couldn't, not after gushing about Harry so much last weekend. Undoubtedly they would comfort me, but I would look like a fool. I decided to wait until the hurt wasn't so fresh so I could casually tell them, "It didn't work out," rather than walking in the door and bursting into tears.

So that left me with the weekend to myself because for the same reasons, I didn't contact my friends either. I tried reading, which was my go-to soother, but I couldn't even focus on my favorite books. I watched sappy romance movies to just purge all the stupid romantic feelings through ugly sobs and tears. I even tried to get some exercise, which I never, ever do. I wasn't planning anything too intense as I put on my seldom-worn athletic shoes. But then I took a brisk walk that that led me over two miles from my apartment. After an almost-five-mile round-trip, I came back to my loft, soaked in a tub of bubbles and slept the rest of Sunday away.

Monday morning came, and I dreaded having to go to the library where I would be reminded of Harry at every turn. Goodness, I was acting like we had been together for years. I fiercely told myself to get it together, but it didn't work. I took an extra long time with my book return duties and didn't report back to the front desk til almost noon. Third floor had been the hardest; I kept imagining Harry sitting there; would he still be there if I hadn't ever approached him? Probably not; I'm sure he would have worked through it on his own and moved on. And I never would have met him.

"Lots of books today?" Gabby said flatly.

"Yeah, tons," I replied in the same flat voice.

I waited for her to give me a task to do, not being able to self-direct at all at the moment. I found out that Beth had called in sick but that still didn't inspire me to do any of the extra work to make up for her absence.

"You wanna talk about it?" Gabby asked, not even looking up from what she was doing.

We were both seated behind the long, wraparound checkout counter; it was at the same time modern and rustic, with variegated wood sections, topped with stainless steel accents. It was homey enough that I enjoyed my little bit of desk space there.

I looked around, thinking maybe Gabby was talking to someone else. This wasn't the Gabby I knew. Had everyone switched personalities when I wasn't looking?! "Me?" I asked meekly.

She looked up then and said, "Yes, you. If something is bothering you, you can talk about if you'd like."

I blinked a few times, still in shock. I finally found my voice, saying, "Well, Harry and I were getting along great, like really great, and then he just stopped calling. He came over Friday and he was really detached and he didn't even hug me. I just don't understand."

Her thoughtful "Hmmm" wasn't much of a response.

I hoped it wasn't taboo to ask about this, but I was desperate for some insight into what Harry was going through. "How long did it take to mourn your husband? I mean, I know you can never quite get over it, but how long was it before you felt like you could live a normal life again?"

"Well, first of all, you should know that David and I were...estranged  when he died. We had separated and were heading for a divorce, but it was still a shock all the same," she told me. "But after I went through the initial shock and helped the boys through their grief a little, that's when it really sunk in that he was gone forever. So I started to mourn what we used to have, before the separation. We never really reconciled, although we wanted our parting to be peaceful. We didn't make the time to talk things out and then it was too late."

"Oh," I said, my face falling into a frown. "I'm sorry. That must have been hard."

She nodded again. "It was hard to move on after that. Maybe because I needed closure that never came."

"It's only been a year and a few months since Harry's wife died, but he was always open to talking to me when it was hard or if he was afraid of moving on. I can't understand why he just shut me out."

"I don't know that answer for sure, but it could be that he's feeling some level of guilt. Even though his wife is gone, he might feel like he's cheating on her in some way. That's pretty common, something I learned from others in a grief support group I attended for a brief time. I think he'll eventually come around and at least explain himself, even if it doesn't work out for you two. He seems like a very nice man and I doubt he would just blow you off forever without an explanation."

Of course. Why hadn't I considered that? He had promised to love her forever and maybe now he felt like he was breaking that promise even though she was dead. "I hope so," I sighed. "I want it to work out between us, but then again, I'm afraid I could never measure up to his late wife."

"You shouldn't try," she said. "And hopefully, when he's ready, he won't expect you to be like her. He has to realize that you're someone else entirely and fall in love with you, not someone he wants to be a replacement for his wife."

"Still," I said, shrugging.

"He would be a fool not to realize how good you would be for him," she said, and I was sure I saw a hint of a smile on her face.

What the hell just happened? I was fairly sure that Gabby had been inhabited by an alien because the Gabby I knew would never open up so much or willingly listen to me as I worked through this. In any case, I was glad of her wisdom and it helped me to understand that Harry probably still had a lot more to deal with than I could understand.

Beth was back at work on Tuesday, but she didn't say or ask anything about Harry that day or on Wednesday. On Thursday, she finally broke. "So...what happened?"

"What happened with what?" I asked stupidly. We were working together to process a new shipment of books, putting dust jackets on them, adding them to the system and placing bar codes on them.

"Harry," Beth answered gently, handing me the newest Nora Roberts novel.

I closed my eyes, trying not to get upset. It had been almost a week since he showed up at my place to shut me down. Still, it hurt more than I thought it should. I shrugged and answered, "He just stopped calling. He came over last Friday for like two minutes and he acted very aloof, like we were just acquaintances. I don't understand."

"When was the last time you saw him and everything was going well?" She asked. 

"The night he cooked for me, right after you spent the night."

"Did anything unusual happen?"

"We ran into his wife's sister at the market," I told her. "She gave me the cold shoulder but Harry explained that she and Cathryn were quite close. He told me not to worry about the way she acted. And he didn't seem fazed by running into her or anything."

"Why would that faze him?" Beth wondered.

"I just thought it might bring him down, you know, because it reminded him of Cathryn. But he said he was fine and acted fine. And...well, we got a little carried away after dinner," I said, biting my lip to prevent the huge smile that usually took over my face when I thought about making out with him.

"Did you guys do it?" She asked excitedly.

"No," I said, but I think the blush on my face told her that I was ready.

"Does he know you're a virgin?"

"It hasn't really come up, but I guess we should talk about. If  he ever calls me again, that is. That's the part I don't get. We practically had to tear ourselves away from each other that night, and then he just blew me off."

We got to the end of our stack of new additions to the library's collection. Beth was about to leave since it was close to 5:00, but it was my night to work late. She told me that she was going out with Malcolm, Philip and Lisa later on. "Why don't you join us when you get done with work?"

The last thing I needed was to be around couples. But at the same time, I felt the need to be with friends. "That sounds good," I told her. "Will you just tell them what happened with Harry so they don't ask me all sorts of questions."

"Sure thing," Beth answered.

"Just text me and let me know where you're going to be," I said, waving as she got her coat on.

"Will do," she called behind her and then disappeared.

The final few hours of my shift dragged on, but I was glad I had something to look forward to other than going home to my lonely loft.

After work, I drove home, threw on some jeans and a light sweater and called for a cab. Tonight felt like a good night to drink too much to drive. I walked through the bright neon colors of the club, feeling the floor pulse under my feet with the pounding music. I found my friends and they welcomed me with cheerful faces and warm hugs. That was perfect because if they had all frowning, looking at me pathetically, I might have wanted to punch someone.

I ordered a margarita and then resumed the subject that I hadn't really wanted to talk about tonight, only because that there was a piece of information that I had missed when I talked to Beth earlier. I leaned over and tried to raise my voice above the music to talk to her. "So I remembered something. When I called Harry after that night, he told me that Liz had stopped by."

"Who's Liz?"

"Cathryn's sister, the one we saw at the market."

"Ahhh," she said, her eyes growing wide. "That's it! She saw you two together and had her little tizzy. Then she went to see Harry later to lay a guilt trip on him."

"Yes!" I said in agreement, taking a very large sip of my margarita. "I bet that's it. But you'd think he would eventually get over that and at least call me."

"True," Beth agreed.

Philip jumped in and offered his support. "Tell me where he lives and I'll go throw rocks at his house."

"Really mature, Phil," I laughed. "I don't know where he lives anyway. He's only been to my place."

"You could look him up. What's his last name?"

"Styles. Harry Styles."

Philip threw his head back and laughed while Lisa and I looked at him in confusion.

"What's so funny?" Lisa asked.

"Harry Styles. It sounds like hairstyles."

"And your point?" She asked, trying not to laugh at her already-drunk man.

"It's just funny," he said and I agreed, telling him, "I actually said the same thing to him when he first told me his name." Philip's cackled loudly enough to drown out the music momentarily, and he slapped his thigh as if it was the funniest thing he'd ever heard. I couldn't help but laugh, seeing him this wasted and laughing his ass off.

Lisa even cracked a smile after giving him a peculiar look. Then she turned back to me. "How long has it been since you've seen him?"

"Two weeks since everything was good, and then he came by last week and acted really weird. He hasn't tried to call me once."

She took a gulp of her drink and said, "I think you just need to call him and lay it on the line. Sure he's still getting over his wife, but that doesn't mean he can jerk you around. Tell him that you deserve a straightforward conversation about what's going on, even if it's to tell you that he needs some time or whatever. And if he doesn't respond, it sucks, but I guess you know it's over."

"I know," I said, slumping down in my chair. "I just don't want it to be over."

"I know what you need," Malcolm yelled from across the table. "Shots!" He flagged down the waitress and asked her to bring five shots. When she brought them, we simultaneously threw them down, and it seemed just the perfect thing, the distraction of whiskey leaving a burning trail down my throat and the buzz that hit soon after.

"Who's driving?" I asked the others.

Beth raised her hand, as always.

"Screw that!" I shouted. "Get drunk with me and we'll take a cab back to my place. I can take you back to your car in the morning."

She considered my offer for about two seconds and said, "Okay!"

After several more rounds of drinks and shots, embarrassing dancing episodes and no more talk of Mr. Harry Styles, we all took a cab back to my place and passed out wherever we landed.

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Regan has great friends, doesn't she???