I closed my eyes shut as I continued to
wallow in self-pity in Eleanor's comforting arms . I'm weak .It feels so good to have someone other than my therapist to talk to. I could never talk to Tolu or Haru about my struggles because it felt so wrong to complain to them. I've always felt bad for complaining because they have it so much worse than I do. They've both lost people that they loved and they both live complicated lives and yet they stand tall and they both excel at anything they choose to do while I still in bathroom stalls and wallow in self-pity. I envy them I hate this feeling because it's invalid. I was blessed with something that was taken from them and yet I envy them I'm disgusting  . I looked at Eleanor in the eyes as I began to open up to her

*flashback *

8 years ago

"Good job Sarah. Now I need someone to read the sixth line" Mrs Gretchen;my teacher said in a loud voice. Please don't pick me , please don't pick me . I feel my heart race and my palms sweat as I continue to pray to be skipped but unfortunately as always luck was never on my side

"Maryanne , get up and read the 6th line " My teacher instructed . Knowing that I can't disobey I slowly stand up with a racing hearth and a slight stomach ache . My nervous fingers slowly counts to locate the 6th paragraph

"Do you need glasses or are you just slow " My teacher said harshly as My classmates make giggling noises .

"S-she ...sat ..on...her ....beb....and she-" before I could finish I heard the whole class erupted in laughter .

"It appears to me that you were absent when the alphabet was being taught in kindergarten. Come to the front of the class and recite you alphabet " Mrs Gretchen said rudely. The sound of muffled giggles seem to be getting louder with each step I take forward. I faced the class as I began to sing the alphabet song in my head and then mention each alphabet individually as the song played I my head

"...x..y..and z " I recited successfully.
"You're in the fifth grade yet you recite your alphabet so slowly. I wonder how you'll make it in life . You're probably too stupid to even make it to the sixth grade " my teacher said coldly as the people I call friends laugh at me .

7 years ago

"Most of you did really good on your essays" Miss Gracie applauded. I looked around and noticed that out of everyone in class I was the only one who haven't gotten their script back

"Umm Miss Gracie you haven't given me back my script " I say raising my hands confidently

"I'm aware. Your script is special. Why don't you come out here and read it to the class " She said in a fake sweet voice . I can feel my palms sweating as my heart began to race . I take my paper from her hands as I faced the class to read . I stared at it for a while feeling a familiar stomach ache coming along. I can't see what I wrote . It looks like scribbles. I continued to stare at it as I began dissecting the first time when miss Gracie suddenly grabbed my paper from my hands

"Even you can't read the trash you put on this paper. You write like you have no direction. I wouldn't know if your story is good or not because I can't read whatever shit you wrote . Your handwriting is terrible, your spelling is equally as bad and for the love of God why can't you differentiate between p and q . You talk like you have a brain but your writing tells me otherwise. Its almost like you're absolutely stupid " she said in anger as the class erupted in laughter. Looking up was not an option as tears rolled down my face

6 years ago

"And he finally won the - Maryanne are you even listening to me ?!" Mr Lenard exclaimed snapping me out of my head . Paying complete attention has been really hard for me lately. I find my self zoning out more often than I want to admit

"Stand up and continue from where I left off " Mr Lenard demanded. I can feel my palms sweating as I began to rise from my seat . I looked at my book wondering where she stopped . I was about to start from a random place but my seat partner helped me point out where we stopped

"and he finally now t-the beetle with glory and honor " I read almost faintly. The silence in the room was thicker than my science textbook

"So not only did you have the audacity to completely tune me out of your tiny little head , you also can't read a simple sentence? " He asked cruelly. I keep my mouth shut because I know that nothing good will ever come from answering that question

"You're going to spend your lunch time alone and you will also not be participating in any sporting activities today . You will however stay here and learn how to fill that stupid brain of yours up with knowledge " He said harshly causing half the class to laugh at me and the other half to pity me

5 years ago

"-she is far behind " Mrs kieth said to my parents. Parent teacher conference is the only thing as nerve racking as exams because just like exams you don't ever know the outcome

"I'm sure it's nothing. She's probably just being lazy" my mom said to my teacher

"I don't think that this has anything to do with laziness. I've had conversations with Anne before and she sounds like a very intelligent girl. She verbal answers questions beutiflybut when it come to writing and sometimes reading it just seems to be a struggle for her . While I think she is smart and sweet we can't just ignore the fact that it's not very normal to see felt and say left . She is in the eight grade and she still mixes up the letters b and d . I'm not saying that they is anything wrong with her I'm just saying that maybe it's time you get her checked." Mrs kieth explained in a calm manner. She is a teacher I hope I never forget , she has always been so kind to me and she has never made me feel less than the rest .

"Wow. I've never noticed any of that . Are you sure it's my Annie you're talking about?" My mother questioned I a confused and worried tone

"Well , maybe you should pay more attention to your child " Mrs Kieth said leaving my mom completely speechless

Present

"I can help you if you want," Eleanor suggested

"I don't want a tutor," I replied pouting

"It won't be like tutoring. It would be more like studying together, " Eleanor said,

"Why would you want to do that?" I asked . Wouldn't having to tutor me distract her from the little competition she is having with haru ?

"Because you're my friend," she said shocking both me and her . I've always thought of her as a friend because she seems cool and we hang out a lot but this is the first time she has ever called me her friend.  Right in this very moment she  seems so much cooler than before