Can't Pretend - Tom Odell

Imagine living in a cloud.

A cloud filled with colors of lightning, the thunder feeling like a pounding hammer against the skull but in the faintest taps from the inside.

It's like it's coiling into a twist, leaving Jimin to just feel like he's high but he's not. It's the fogged memories that makes it feel this way and how his body is drained of any drugs that has him itching for more.

No, he doesn't want to dive into it's thick waters and be driven into the temptation. He has to get better for the sake of Joshua, and that means he has to fight against any odds that will only push him to loosen his grip of reality.

That's why he decided to come to the penthouse, feeling grateful for Yeosang on suggesting it. There he won't be near any drugs, any gun unless Yeosang is hiding a stash somewhere, and he will be able to focus on himself much more clearer to decide on his decisions .

He already started to feel that way when he entered the familiar suite, everything exactly the same way he left it. Good thing Jimin decided to clean up before he went to the gym that day because everything is still spotless and organized here.

He didn't really take in the sight of everything in his surroundings, he just quietly goes to the wall window and looks outside with an expressionless gaze.

He didn't know what Yeosang was doing in the background but he does hear movements, probably checking if there's not any ticking bomb left here or guns in sight, maybe throwing away any medication that would tempt Jimin if he sees it.

Five minutes before New Years.

It didn't take long before Yeosang found his way beside him, two glasses filled with wine in hand as he looks out to the same city that Jimin is staring at.

Jimin didn't say anything, not wanting to take it, but for some reason he finds himself taking it after letting it sink in that it's Yeosang and not a random stranger giving him alcohol.

He wouldn't trying to drug him.

"Just for tonight," He says, holding up the glass towards him, "Just one glass."

Jimin moves his eyes down to the glass, letting out a heavy breathe to the tempting drink before glancing to Yeosang and raises his glass to him. Wordlessly they tap their glasses together before sipping it down, going back to watching the view.

Truth is, Jimin doesn't know why he's not speaking.

Or behaving this way with him.

Maybe he's just afraid of what Yeosang may think of him now that he's like this. He doesn't want Yeosang to think of him like how he thinks of himself right now, so maybe that's why he refuses to dive into a heart to heart conversation about his emotions.

Or just try to piss him off.

Jimin has been a handful for his life since they've met. He's always the one taking care of him and saving his ass when he couldn't follow simple instructions. He created a mess out of their computer room and couldn't shut up when his parents arrived, even if that was out of his control.

Now everyone are like hawks on him, making sure he doesn't fuck up again like some stupid cycle.

And it sucks that they have to do that.

Jimin didn't want that.

He's caused enough trouble as it is.

"You know, I hate get togethers," Yeosang says quietly, making Jimin gulping as he takes a sip of his wine, "I don't want to be what they want me to be. The Spawn. My reputation proceeds me unfortunately, but..... Not always."

Jimin furrows his eyebrows to his words and moves his gaze towards him, seeing a faint stare of a daze in Yeosang's eyes as he watches the world in front of him getting excited as the countdown goes on. He's always been a man of vague words and little emotions, but it's clear he's holding a lot in.

Maybe to not pressure Jimin to feel anything? Or because he doesn't to seem weak?

After all, one of them has to be stronger than the other during these rough times.

For a moment Yeosang didn't say anything but then he takes a larger sip of his wine, probably to give himself more confidence, "I guess around you I don't feel like the Spawn. You're not scared of me, nor do you expect me to be anyone specific. Your selfishness to yourself has made me feel more like myself..... That this is the normal world. Guess I enjoyed you seeing me as a jerk."

"Because you are a jerk," His words escaped Jimin's lips before he could even catch up to them. Instantly noticing his mistake and tries to cover it up, "I...... I'm sorry I shouldn't be talking-"

Yeosang turns to face him, raising an eyebrow, "Why? You know you are free to say anything to me Jimin-"

Yeah, that's enough holding it in.

"I'm a fuck up okay," Jimin interjects, his hand on the glass growing weaker and weaker with this anxiety slowly building up, now turning to Yeosang as well, "I fucked up your life. I don't want you to always worry when I am going to mess up again or if your parents are going to kill me if I try some stupid shit again. Look at me! I'm a ticking bomb, at any moment I am going to break down because of my memories and I'm craving whatever that fuck it was they gave to me t. It's driving me crazy!"

For the sake of the glass, Jimin goes and puts it on the island in the kitchen, turning around to still face Yeosang who just kept following his movements with a small frown and worried eyes.

Jimin didn't mean to explode, but now he can't fucking stop.

He can't make himself shut the fuck up.

Not around Yeosang.

Guess some old habits die hard.

"You've been trying to keep us safe and I always mess it up. I don't want you to have to constantly feel this way-"

Yeosang chugs the rest of the wine down his throat and walks up to Jimin, placing the glass on the counter behind him but placing his hands on his neck. His thumbs are prodding against Jimin's jaw to look at him. Right now Jimin is so close to hyperventilating and getting into a nervous break down to even feel the close intimacy of this space between them, only grabbing onto Yeosang's wrists to keep himself grounded from his fierce emotions circulating in rapid speed.

It's settling down.

He knows it is.

He's start to get more panicked, more scared, more fearful to his surroundings as the remembrance to the monster he became back in that building snuggles up with his morals to crush everything he was.

Everything he is.

He doesn't know what he is anymore.

"I-I..... I don't know who I am anymore," Jimin croaked weakly, trying so hard not to crying as he gazes into Yeosang's eyes, "But I don't want to be alone. I want don't want to feel it. Yeosang, I don't want to feel it."

15 seconds before New Years.

Yeosang stares at Jimin's states while leaning closer to his face, "What can I do to help you?"

10 seconds.

A thick gulps slides down Jimin's throat to push the anxiety bubbling up, looking up into Yeosang's eyes with his shakily lips, "You know how to."

8 seconds.

The other stares between Jimin's eyes, studying his frantic gaze carefully to be sure this is what he wants. To make sure this isn't some sort of withdrawal talking or the provocation of his memories. Truth is, it is, and that's why Jimin wasn't to forget it.

He needs something that feels real.

Yeosang is real, and he's all Jimin's got.

5 seconds.

The hand on Jimin's neck is now clasping his cheeks, tender thumbs caressing his cheeks before leaning closer to his face. Yeosang knew going against his own words again would only make this become a revolving habit between the two, but Jimin needs him.

He wants the intimacy between the two to become a blanket over the monster bubbling up his conscious, to scream and cry but to only feel pleasure and not the agonizing pain like the one he felt in that room.

3 seconds.

"Whenever you want me to stop, tell me."

2 seconds.

"That'll be the last thing on my mind."

1 second.

Yeosang slams his lips over Jimin's parted lips, right when the fireworks exploded into the night sky to celebrate the New Year.

Along with the explosion in their hearts that they're allowing themselves to feel for tonight.

And to finally embrace it.

_______________________________________

A/N:

So next chapter will be jumping a lot from Jimin and Yeosang's perspectives. I want to keep Jimin's process very faithful so I want to show his battling emotions within the next chapter.

I think the song that will play definitely fits for the scene, as in the words and just the vibe of it.

So I'll say it now, it's going to be a smut, but I think this will be one of the most emotional smuts I've written. As in considering the state Jimin is in and how he will feel, it's going to be pretty intense, not only that but also with Yeosang and his conflicting emotions as well.

It may take a while for me to write it since I want it to be written the best of my ability to get the emotions across, so be a little patient.

I PURPLE YOU! <33