23. And you're cold and I burn

Ashton isn't sure why he's high.

To be blunt, he's being an idiot. No pun intended.

Ashton knew that Michael was taking him out on a real date. No lawyer, no Timothy, no social worker. It was a real date between two ex-partners. Ash knew that Michael was truly stretching out for Ash. This was all Ashton wanted from the other man.

He sure fucked up, though.

He was sitting on his sofa when Michael walked in, Mike had a spare key now. Ashton didn't look up, he didn't flinch a movement.

"Ashton," Michael said slowly, his voice barely above a whisper, "this is a joke, right?" Mike closed the front door behind him, the smell of a burning blunt suffocating his airways. He took a few steps forward, rounding the dirty apartment to see Ashton staring at the wall in front of him.

"No," he responded. He looked up at a confused man, laughing. "You're pissed off."

"Yeah, a little bit." Michael bends down, trying to turn on the light resting on the table side. As figured, the lightbulb was more burnt out than Ashton's head.

"I don't know."

Michael took off the lamp shade, unscrewing the bulb. "I didn't ask a question, Ashton."

"I know you're about to, though."

Mike formed his lips into a straight line, not wanting to say anything he might regret. He took the burnt lightbulb to the kitchen, placing it next to the sink before reaching up trying to find spares.

Ashton was still staring at the dirty yellow wall in front of him when Michael came back, changing the light and illuminating the room.

Ash squinted as his apartment went from dark to light, he turned to watch Michael sit down next to him. He eyed the younger man as he got himself comfortable upon the beat up material of his couch.

"I'm not angry, I'm just disappointed."

"Okay, Mom." Ashton leant his head back, closing his eyes and resting his arm over his forehead.

Michael sighed. "You knew I was coming over. This isn't, like, a surprise visit, Ashton."

"I hate when you say my name."

"It's your name."

"You make it sound like a curse."

Michael crossed his legs over one another, watching Ashton's visible breathing. "I thought you were going to try. After everything we've been through, I just thought—."

"Lower your expectations," Ashton groaned. He wasn't in the mood for another lecture. He used to love Michael's voice but now it was only hurting his head. "I'm me, you know me. That's not going to change, ever. Give up already."

Ashton spoke the truth when he was higher than a kite. He could recite bullshit to any judge's ears while sober, but he wasn't going to while high. He knew that nothing was ever going to change for him, this is who he will always be until he one day lays to rest for good.

"You're right, I do know you. I know that you're better than this." Michael pointed to the space between them.

Ash opened a golden eyes, blinking a few times. He breathed in, coughing out an exhale. "You—," he said slowly, "You should have known better, then."

"I know you," Michael said again. "I know that you are more than your problems, you are more than what you think you amount to. You get sad and you get lost, but I know that I will never be over you. I need you like you need weed."

"That's stupid." Ashton moved over across the couch, curling up into Michael's lap. He could feel Michael's hand falling down the cushions and to Ashton's torso. His fingers were smooth against the material of Ashton's sweater.

Ashton was finally able to take a breath.

"I know your personality is addictive, but come on."

Ashton buried his head underneath his hand, his cheeks still pressed to Michael's left thigh. "Don't send me away again."

"I'm not sending you to rehab, you're an adult." Michael brought his hands up to Ashton's head, running his hands through the greasy brown strands of hair.

"I don't want to lose Tim, I mean it this time. I can't lose him, Michael, please don't take him away." He was talking fast, his words bleeding together.

"I'm not going to do that. If I really wanted to do that, don't you think I would've done that by now?" Michael closed his own eyes as he tried calming his own head. "I care for you, that's why I'm still sitting here with you. That's why I cleaned up your vomit. That's why I answer your messages. I'm not over you and I will never be over you."

"I know," Ashton said quietly.

The older brunette has never felt so vulnerable. 

Does Ashton mean it? Is he trying?

Even though I created these characters and I know how this ends, I do feel for Ashton. An addictive personality is something hard to deal with, I write about it often. Even though getting high here and there isn't really a bad thing (in my opinion), it's easy for people like Ashton to take it too far. 

On the other hand, he's blatantly using the only family he's really got left. He wants them, and this is the only way he knows how to get them.