Lucas,1985,Huntsville,Alabama

  The start of my Junior year has already brought a lot of changes. Since we're upper class men now, we have been invited to more parties. We have been to every single one of them. Especially since Micheal is a senior now, he has been throwing most of them. Making Caleb go and try to get back on his good side. We don't even get to spend much time alone anymore, since he's dating stupid Jessica. She's always there and always putting me down. It's like she senses that I'm dating her boyfriend. Bleh, just thinking that sentence makes me want to barf.

 Right now I'm waiting by Caleb's car, we're finally going to the club house after weeks. No Jessica tonight, just him and me. The thought of when he tells her he's busy makes me feel giddy. I finally spot him  talking to Micheal and Micheal s girlfriend, Jenifer. Jenifer is such a sweet heart, it makes me wonder what she even sees in him. It's basically the good girl and asshole cliche. He finally waves bye to them and makes his way over, with Jessica trailing behind him. 

" Hey, ready to go?" I ask,excited for tonight. 

He looks at me with a grimace ,as I wait for him to tell Jessica that it's a guys night. 

" I'm sorry Caleb, Jessica and I are going on a double date with Micheal and his girlfriend." He says, a guilty expression on his face.

" Oh." I say trying to hide my disappointment. 

" I can still take you home though." Caleb says, trying to charm me with that smile. It doesn't work this time, it just makes me mad.

" No, I'll walk." I mutter, turning away with clenched fists. 

I walk as fast as I can without running. I tell myself not to look back to be strong. Sadly I'm not that strong,at least not when it comes to him. I turn my head and when I do I see him watching me. For a second I think he's going to come after me, but he just shakes his head and turns toward Jessica. She leans in pecks him on the lips, and that's when I feel the anger come back in full force. I thought he told me that he wouldn't even touch her. Just another promise he broke,and another time he broke me. I don't know why I keep letting him hurt me, maybe I'm addicted to pain. 

I don't walk home, fearing my brother being there. Which would just set my anger off all over again. I walk to the club house, well more like stomp. When I get there I don't even go inside, I just go sit down by the pond. I wish my daddy was still alive ,even though I couldn't talk to him about my problems. I know he would at least worry about me and when mamma wasn't paying any attention come look for me. He always sensed when something was wrong.He wouldn't ask me what happened,he would just buy me ice cream to cheer me up.  I wished I looked more like him instead of mamma, he was this strong and burly man. Of course my piss head brother got blessed with those looks ,while I was scrawny and weak.  

I sit there until it's dark out,still no sign of Caleb. Maybe, if I go lay inside the club house he might show up? I get up stumbling in the dark, since I didn't stop at my house for a flash light,I make my way slowly up the ladder. When I finally get inside, I fumble around trying to find the lantern. Eventually, I just give up looking for the light and feel my way around for the bed instead. I just let myself fall, not really caring where I land. I try to stay awake and wait for Caleb but instead I end up falling asleep.

I dream that night of my daddy and Caleb. My daddy is alive and accepts that I like boys, and Caleb finally tells his father to shove it. We get to be out and open. Everyone accepts us and we can hold hands in public, even Caleb's father accepts us. My daddy tells me he's proud of me for being so strong. The end of the dream isn't that happy, my daddy leaves and tell's me he will always love me. No matter who I love. 

I wake up to a bright light shining through the side window, I shield my face with my hands. I feel a wetness on my pillow, then on my face. I bring my hand up to my face feeling the wetness,knowing my dream must of caused this. I remember what happened yesterday and I look around the room. Caleb isn't here, he didn't come check on me. I feel a fire slowly building up inside of me, until I can't breath. I sit there in the club house alone, clutching my chest trying to catch my breath. I feel like I'm having a heart attack but I know that I'm not. This is something else, I'm not sure what but all I know is it hurts. I put my head between my knees until I finally can breath again. I lay back down and stare at ceiling.

After what feels like hours, I hear my stomach growl. I ignore it not in the mood to eat, not in the mood to do anything really. I've never felt more alone in all of my life. Caleb ditched me for his new girlfriend, and Micheal of all people. My mamma doesn't care about me too wrapped up  in her depression to care. My brother is an asshole who's never loved me, and probably would cheer if I never came home. There is Greg but ever since that day with Micheal, he distanced himself from me. It's funny, people promise they'll always be there, but their the one's who hurt you the most. I curl up into myself and fall back asleep, no happy dreams welcoming me this time. 

I wake up and it's dusk outside. I force myself up knowing tomorrow's Sunday, the only day my mamma notices if I'm not there. Caleb's father will ask her why I'm not there and my mamma loves to please him. It's the only thing she cares about anymore. I make my way slowly back out of the woods. I finally make my way to the edge of the woods, behind Caleb's house. I jump back into the woods when I notice he's in his backyard, with her. She's hard to miss, petite with long wavy blonde hair, and big green eyes. She's sitting in his lap with her head tipped back, laughing. He's grinning that beautiful grin at her, holding her hand. 

I feel the tears I've been keeping at bay, finally make there way down my face. How can he smile like that, while I cry over him. Does he not care anymore? Did he ever care? These questions race through my mind as I watch them. I sit there for what feels like forever before they finally go inside.  I make my out fast this time, scared he'll see me and know I was spying. I can't let him have the satisfaction  of knowing that he finally broke me. I finally make it to my house looking around making sure he didn't spot me,when I'm sure he didn't I go inside. When I get inside I don't spot my brother in his usual spot but I do see my mamma, staring blankly at the TV. Not even noticing me as I walk by her. 

" Hey, mamma." I whisper touching her thin,frail shoulder. 

" Hey baby." She whispers, still staring blankly at the TV. 

" Have you ate today?" I ask worried. 

" I don't remember." She says scratching her arm. 

" Here, I'll fix you a sandwich." I say ,walking to the kitchen. 

" Okay." She says,not really listening. 

She's been depressed these last few years but it's gotten worse these last two months. She's just a shell of her former self. The woman who would smack the back of my head for not checking in with her, is gone. In her place is this stranger who goes to work then comes home to stare at the TV. The only time I see her smile is on Sunday's, even then it's all fake. My brother never comes home anymore, he's always out drinking with his friends. I can see him slowly spiraling into this angry out of control human being. There's nothing I can do about either of these situations, I try to talk to my mom but she's not there anymore. I try to tell my brother to stop drinking but this leads to us yelling. Then my mamma will wake up for a second but only to defend my brother. It's like a never ending cycle, I just want to end it. 

I make her a tuna fish sandwich and place  it in front of her but she ignores it. I just shake my head in frustration and walk away to my room. I lay down, letting the tears come again. Only this time not for Caleb but for the loss of my family. I don't why I always lose people. Am I not good enough? Is there something wrong with me? More self-loathing questions fill my mind the entire night until I fall into a restless sleep. 

I wake up this time to someone's hand on my shoulder, for a second I hope it's Caleb. When I open my eyes though, it's my mamma. She actually brushed her hair for once and looks decent,despite the bags under her sky blue eyes. 

" Get up, time for church." She says, staring at me with that blank look. 

Before I can say anything , she leaves my room. I get up slowly, dreading seeing Caleb. Especially since his girlfriend will be there. So not only do I get to be around my lifeless mamma, but I get to see the boy I love ignore me for someone else. This day is going to be just dandy. I get dressed into my church clothes and make my way to the living room. My mamma just looks at me and nods to the door, walking out.  I follow her to her car, getting in the passenger side. She starts the car and this when I notice my brother is missing.

" Where's John?" I ask, annoyed that she let's him get away with everything. 

" He's meeting us there." She shrugs her frail shoulders awkwardly, then proceeds to scratch her arm again. 

I don't say anything to that, I just roll my eyes. I used to get in trouble for things like that but now she doesn't even notice if I'm breathing or not. We sit in silence and I look at my mamma, who was once a strong and beautiful woman. I've been told I get my anger from her but it makes me think if I got my anger from her, what else did I get? We finally make it to the church and when I look over at my mamma,she's already forcing a smile on her face. Like that fools anyone, anyone with eyes can see how messed up she is. I get out of the car, regretting being there instantly. Standing at the doorway of the Church is Caleb. Beside him is Jessica and both of them are grinning, shaking people's hands as they walk in. I feel the same feeling in my chest as yesterday, and my breathing starts to lose it's control. I close my eyes take a few deep breaths, and force a smile on my face. I walk up to the door, my mamma trailing slowly behind me. I look him right in the eye and smile, this clearly catches him off guard. He looks at my smile wide eyed, and I think see I don't need you. This thought seems to cross his mind as well because he grimaces. 

" Hey Jessica!" I say way too enthusiastically.

" Hey,Lucas." She says, smiling but her eyes are glaring at me. 

" I'm so excited to be here!" I say trying to be extra chipper.

" Glad to have you here, buddy." Caleb says patting my shoulder. 

I walk away after that trying to shake off his touch. Did he really just call me buddy? I mean we were bed buddies a few times, but seriously. I sit down on the opposite side of the church away from my mamma and Caleb. I sit through the service, tuning out Caleb's piss head father. Afterwards, I make my way outside trying to leave as fast as possible. Before I can I feel a hand on my shoulder. I turn around, already knowing who it is. 

" Hey can we talk?" He asks, not looking me in the eyes. 

" I'm not sure if I want to interrupt time with your girlfriend." I say with a bitter grin on my face.

" Come on please,country boy." He begs, and the words country boy get to me. 

" Fine, but you only have a few minutes." I mutter.

" Thank you so much, come on let's go." He nods towards the woods. 

I follow him in silence and by the time we're at the club house, I feel like I'm going to explode. We both sit by the pond in silence for a few minutes before he speaks.

" I'm sorry about yesterday." He whispers.

" Sorry, you didn't seem very sorry, when you kissed her yesterday." I say feeling my anger rise.

" Well what did you expect, I have to keep the act up." He says annoyance seeping in his voice.

" I get hand holding, but kissing is where I draw the line." I say trying to keep calm. 

" Normal teenage boys don't just hold hands with their girlfriends." He says he voice rising a little. 

" Well, if you haven't noticed we're not normal, we're two boys who like other boys!" I snap finally having enough. 

" Will you keep your voice down." He whispers looking around.

" What, afraid Jessica will know you like sticking it in dudes!" I yell.

" Screw you!" He yells back.

" Too late, you already did." I mutter.

" You know what, I can't do this anymore." He whispers shaking his head. 

" What do you mean?" I ask scared.

" I think we should stop, I just need to normal." He says his voice shaking.

" You don't mean that, you can't." I whisper,trying to keep myself under control.

" I'm sorry Lucas, I love you but this will only end badly." He whispers.

" Please don't" I whisper so lowly that I doubt he hears me.

He starts to walk away from but then he turns back around. I stare hopefully at him as he walks over to me. He leans in and kisses me putting so much passion and love into it.That's when I know, this is a goodbye kiss. When he releases me, he turns back the other way and keeps walking. Not once looking back. As soon as he's gone that feeling starts to build in my chest again. This time I let it over take me as I fall down losing all of my control. This time no one's  around to save me.