Lucas,1981, Huntsville, Alabama

After a year of spending time with Caleb, I've learned that he's like his father very charismatic. People just seem to be drawn to him, I included except I've started to learn; that the way I'm drawn to him is different than the other boys though. They just to seem to want to impress him, but I wish to be always near him. Our parents say we are as close as brothers, but I can't stand the idea of being his brother it makes my stomach turn. I also learned that while he is taller and stronger than I am, I run faster than he does. It still feels like I'm the one chasing him though.We always meet at our secret hideout, every day after school just him and me. The only place where we can both be ourselves, especially for him. His father is so harsh on him, he expects him to act a certain way, and if he doesn't well let us just say I've seen the bruises he hides from everyone else but me. Right now we are both sneaking out to our hideout again.

" Come on, let's hurry before my father comes looking for me." He says worriedly.

" I'm hurrying, you know this wouldn't be a problem if you just ignored Joyce and her friends," I say annoyed.

" Come on, I can't help that she has a crush on me." He says frowning.

" Well, you seemed to like her just as much as she likes you," I mumble angrily hoping he doesn't hear me, but as usual he seems to have still heard me.

" Lucas I have no interest in her besides, I don't see what the problem would be if I did," Caleb says calmly. That's another thing, no matter how many times I snapped at him he never got mad at me.

" Well, she's a pisshead, who thinks she better than everyone else," I say annoyed at the thought of him even liking her.

" Are you sure you don't like her, I mean my mother says if you're mean to a girl it sometimes means you like her. "He smirks.

" Ewww, as if she's definitely not my type!" I exclaim flustered for some reason by his smirk.

" Then what is your type?" He says, apparently not believing me probably due to my blushing. I think about my answer to his question, and for some reason I picture him. Which startles me and I almost trip, as we finally make our way into the edge of the woods.

"Lucas, are you okay?" Caleb asks worriedly reaching out to catch me, but I push his hands away before he can touch me.

" Yeah sorry, I'm fine, and the answer to your question is I don't know girls just don't interest me, yet I guess," I say. Trying to avoid the subject on why I just almost face planted.

" What are you serious, your not a homo are you?" He says joking.

" No of course not, can you imagine what our parents would do," I say trying to joke back but feeling like I'm about to cry.

" Yeah, my father would literally kill me if I was ever one." He says fear in his voice.

" Even if you were one, I wouldn't let that happen," I say stopping to hug him. As soon as my arms are around him, I feel him melt into them.

"Thanks, Lucas, I would still be your friend too, but thankfully you and I seem to be pretty normal." He says with that beautiful smile of his.

" Yeah, lucky right?" I question while tears spring to my eyes.

" Come on, we're almost to the clubhouse," I say, turning around before he can seem my tears and I start to run.

" Hey that's not fair, you know you're faster than me!" He shouts after me as I run away.

" I'm still not fast enough to catch you though am I?" I whisper sadly under my breath, as I continue sprinting to our safety zone.

After a few hours of hanging out at our secret hideout, we make our way back before the sun sets. We mostly played in the pond near our sanctuary and helped each other with our homework. So he wouldn't get in trouble with his dad when he got home. Still, just being near him makes me feel like I'm about to fly into the sunset. One second he makes want to punch a wall, then he makes me want to cry a river, and then he makes laugh and snorts so hard I can't breathe. It's like I'm on this never ending roller coaster, that I never want to get off no matter what he does.

"Bye Lucas, I'll meet you by the bus stop tomorrow morning." He says walking to his bike after walking me to my door.

" Bye Caleb!" I shout after him. I sit and watch him bike to his house until I can no longer see him. Then I walk into the place I dread coming back to every day. My daddy sits in his chair reading a magazine on the newest car models, while my little brother sits watching our boxy TV rather intently. My mama must still be in the kitchen, maybe I can avoid my family while they're still distracted. I try to sneak into my room, but my little brother happens to notice me at the last minute.

" MOM, LUCAS IS HOME!" John shouts as I glare at him.

" Hey sweetie, what did you and Caleb do today?" My mama questions in her usual nosy way.

Before I can answer my little brother John says "Probably Fag things with his boyfriend." My brother says as usual with no filter, except for once my mamma doesn't let him get away with it.

" Don't use such disgusting words to describe your brother, besides Caleb and Lucas are just like brothers, they are way too manly to ever be homos, never talk like that again you hear me!" My Mamma snaps while smacking him upside the head.

" Listen to your mamma. " My Daddy says in his usual monotone agreeing with mamma's voice.

" Yeah Mamma's right, I'm no homo and Caleb is like a brother to me." I try to say convincingly but just saying the word homo, Caleb, and brother in one sentence kills me inside.

" Dang it, it was just a joke if I thought Lucas was ever really a homo I would beat him." My brother says in a duh voice.

" Yeah whatever, you couldn't take me in a fight, anyways I'm going up to my room to finish my homework call me when dinner's ready please," I say even though I already finished all of it with Caleb. I just didn't want to hear any more of this conversation. I run up the stairs and sit on my bed thinking about Caleb until dinner was finally ready. I sat through dinner not really talking, just wanting to be away from my see it all mama, never really there father, and piss head brother.

I escape once again to my room, this time thinking even more intensely about Caleb. I start with his big amber orbs and his dark almost black hair. Then I slowly start thinking about him, his toned olive skin and lean body I feel my self growing in a way that I have been for a month now. This time I give into the feeling, and I bring my hand down in a place that I've been trying to avoid every time this has happened, and I just let myself go. Afterward,I feel the tears start to come faster than a high wave hits the ocean shore. I look at my hand, feeling disgusted with myself for giving in and becoming something that God would hate. I know me and Caleb said we would accept each other if we were, but would we really? His father is a preacher, and how would he feel if he knew that my gay thoughts were mostly about him. He probably would hate me, and that thought kills me. No matter how honest we are with each other, this is something I can't tell him in fear of losing him. I drift off and have nightmares about him finding out what I really am.

I wake up the next morning exhausted, as I walk to the bus stop and dread seeing him. Like he will somehow figure out what I did to myself as I thought about him. As I approach the bus stop, I spot him surrounded by a group of boys from different neighborhoods. He smiles his usual breathtaking smile and waves me over to him. Everything with him seems normal while I'm crumbling inside at what I'm becoming. We sit and chat with the other boys laughing, and making inappropriate jokes until I spot Joyce and her preppy friends walking over to us. Her friend Poppy comes up to me and starts batting her eyelids in what I assume to be seductive way, but really makes her look like she has a twitch.

" Hey Lukey, how are you today?" Poppy asks while grazing her arm against mine.

" Fine, I guess," I say, not really paying attention to her. I'm watching Caleb, watch me as Joyce tries to do the same thing Poppy is doing to me, but she actually seems to be good at it. Still, he doesn't seem to be paying her any attention, instead of watching Poppy and me with a weird expression on his face. For some reason this makes my stomach erupt with butterflies, and I find myself grinning like a goofball. Poppy seems to think this is her doing so she tries to scoot closer, but I just brush her off which seems to only encourage her more, like she thinks I'm playing hard to get.

" So Caleb, want to sit next to me on the bus?" Joyce questions twisting her hair.

" No thanks, me and Lucas have some homework we still need to go over," Caleb says avoiding her grabby hands. This blatant lie makes me smirk so hard, that I'm sure everyone knows that I'm smug that Joyce got rejected by what should be mine. The thought of him being mine in any way makes me feel flustered. I can't help try to picture what that would be like even though it's impossible.

" Yep, sorry gals the men have work to do," I say, trying to sound manly, even though I want to squeal with joy that he turned down that pisshead.

The bus finally arrives, and Caleb and I get on and sit in the back in our usual spot.

" Thanks for rejecting that piss head, even though it probably ruined your reputation as a lady killer," I say jokingly.

" Yeah well, then you would be stuck with that piss head Poppy, and that just wouldn't be right." He says with a smirk.

" Oh Poppy's a pisshead too now, what are you jealous of her or something," I say laughing

" Something like that." He says, staring at me intensely and it feels like I can't breathe.

The rest of the bus ride is quiet between us, but I feel something touch my leg, and as I look down I see it's his hand, and he squeezes my thigh. I set my hand on top of his, and press back scared of this ever-growing feeling I have towards him. Now even more scared but also happy that he might feel the same way.