Alice

I feel happy.

I honestly don't remember the last time I felt this way, and I'm starting to realize that maybe I just never did. Maybe I just don't know what it feels like to be happy, even if life is a little stressful.

Because let's be real, technically our lives are chaotic as hell right now. I'm trying to find my footing in the freelancing photography world, while Elijah has a ton to consider about his future as well. It's not easy, and yet, we're happy. Simply because we have each other.

"Have you heard from Jake yet?" Elijah asks while looking up from his book.

I've missed my brother like crazy, but he has been crazy busy over the past weeks and he said he'd figure something out for his weekend, though I'm still waiting for details on that front.

"No, I'm gonna call him tonight if he doesn't text me by then..."

"Do you really need to go there?"

The worry is obvious in his eyes, and I understand it, I really do. Considering we're only together for a few months, we spend a lot of time with each other. Granted, our living situation doesn't really allow for anything else, but still. It seems like it's a lot sometimes.

I moved most of my things into Elijah's room, and we already act like we've been together for years, because it feels like it. But given that we only spend time apart when I go to shootings every other day, I have a feeling some time on our own can't hurt.

"I just miss him, you know. And it's only two nights..." I say, and Elijah only nods his head, a sigh leaving his throat as he places the book on the table in our garden.

"Yeah, I know. Mason has been asking for a guys' night as well..."

"See? That's perfect then." I press a kiss on his temple before I get up, grabbing our plates from the breakfast we had an hour ago and put them into the dishwasher inside.

My phone vibrates in my pocket as I make my way outside, and I read Jake's message with a frown when I get back to my deckchair.

"Jake?" Elijah asks, and I nod my head, heaving a sigh as I throw my phone on the grass beneath me.

"Yeah, he asked if I can come today already. Apparently they want to take a trip on Saturday, and if I want to stay two nights, I'd have to leave today..."

Elijah just looks at me, obviously unimpressed as hell by that. He nods his head as he gets up, grabbing his coffee cup from the table before he wals back inside without saying another word.

Great.

I honestly don't understand why he's so disapproving of the idea that I visit my brother on my own. I get that he got used to me being in the house, and still... I can't stand the fact that he doesn't just talk to me.

We promised each other that we talk about things if they get rough, and so far we were able to keep that promise. But I also know that sometimes we just need time to think, and so I let him do just that. I grab my mug and walk over the patch of grass in front of the newly planted tomato bed. Elijah is working a lot in the garden lately, it seems to be a newfound hobby that I can only encourage - it looks absolutely beautiful already.

The smell of freshly cut grass and tomatoes lingers in the air as I close my eyes, trying to silence the worrying train of thoughts in my head. I hear the terrace door close, and I take a deep breath, getting ready to confront my loving boyfriend of this issue.

"Forgive me, love..." Elijah surprises me when his arms suddenly wrap around me from behind, his chin resting on my shoulder as he pulls me closer to him. "I'm sorry. I don't know what my mind does with me sometimes..."

I know what he means, I really do. It's frustrating, not knowing why your mind goes to places you don't want it to go, and not knowing what to do against it is even worse.

"Honey..." I turn in his lap to look at him, my arms wrapping around his neck as I ask, "What's going on in that head of yours?"

He sighs, and I literally feel how much he wants to give me a real answer to that. I literally feel the fight he's having in his head as he replies, "I don't know. I just feel the urge to protect you, to be close to you... I might get irrational when it comes to that."

The insecurity in his eyes catches me off guard, because this is not Elijah. He isn't insecure, not about this, at least. And the fact that he is just shows again that it might be a good idea to do this.

"I feel that way, too, and that's exactly why I want to go there. We've been together for what, three months now? And we haven't really spent a lot of time apart. I feel like we need to see who we are without each other for just a minute."

"Why though?" He suddenly tenses up, and I see the hurt in his eyes when he asks, "Why would you need to know who you are without me? I'll always be here. Do you intend to leave any time soon?"

"Elijah... No, of course not. I told you, I'm here to stay."

"Then why do you need to know who you are without me?"

It's a valid question, it really is. And it just shows again... As open as we are with each other, there are still things we haven't talked about. Thing he should know to understand me, to know how I think.

"Do you remember when I told you that I was thinking about seeing a therapist when I was younger?" I ask, and he immediately nods his head.

"Yeah, of course."

His whole posture is much softer all of a sudden, and I instantly feel safe when he brushes some hair out of my face, his arms tightly wrap around me while I explain. "Well, as you know, there were a lot of reasons why I didn't go. I don't have those reasons anymore, except for one: I'm scared. Because I know I should've seen one by now, but honestly... I just can't."

"But that's not what this is about." I clear my throat, tightening my grip around him as I continue, "I uh... I had suicidal thoughts when I was younger. I never ever would've done it, simply because of Jake and Felix. But when Jake grew older the thoughts became louder and louder, and Felix pulled me out of it when he realized I wouldn't see a therapist myself. I've been dependent on him and his presence in my life, and that just... It took some time to get out of that spiral, to know who I am on my own, to know I can live, think, exist on my own. Ever since then I know how important my mental health is to me."

"I just need to know that I can do this without you. I know you're good for me, and I know I've been the happiest I've ever been with you by my side, but I feel like I need to get back on my own feet for just a minute to know that I can still do this, you know. It took me years to get to this point, and I can't risk losing all the effort just because I got comfortable."

The weight of my words hangs in the atmosphere, and I'm almost scared that this might be an issue for him. Not that we haven't had our fair share of those already, but this is just something that has been a part of me my entire life. Depression and anxiety have been a constant reminder of what I've been through, and I have to come to terms with the fact that it's not going away like that.

To my surprise Elijah doesn't say much, he just pulls me into his arms, burying his face in the crook of my neck as he whispers, "Fuck, Alice... I feel awful now."

I don't really know what to say anymore, and so I just shoot him a smile when he pulls back, the familiar grey in his eyes instantly calming my heart. "I mean it. I don't want to be the one to keep you from feeling good, you know that... You need to tell me these things."

He brushes a stray tear from my eye when I nod my head. "I know. I just... I didn't know how."

"I understand that, you know I do. But Alice, this all sounds like something that a therapist could really help you with."

"No, Elijah, I don't know if..."

"Listen to me," he interrupts me. I knew he'd say that, and maybe that's why I haven't said anything yet. "You saw how I was. You saw how bad I could get, and still you decided to stay, even after I attacked you, for fuck's sake... But you stayed, because I agreed to see a therapist. I get that you need your time, but I don't want you to think I could love you any less than I already do."

His words hit straight into my heart, and I already feel the lump in my throat from the way he looks at me, from the pure emotion in his eyes. "I understand that you did things on your own your entire life, but you don't need to do that anymore now. You have me now. I know that depression can creep up on you, and I want you to get the help you need to fight all of that. If there's even a sliver of hope that your life might be easier and even better for you because you got the help you needed, then of course I want that for our. I'm a part of your life now, and I don't intend to go anywhere."

I don't even know what to say to that, his words are just too true to be misheard. I know he's right, and I know I need to do this. But right now, even if I wanted to say something... I couldn't. His words just have such a deep-cutting effect on me that I can't help the tears anymore now.

And again, he knows just what to do when he sees those tears, because he just shows me that it's okay to have them by pressing a kiss on my lips. All the love and affection he feels for me transfers right into my soul with every second that passes, with every tear he wipes from my cheeks.

"I love you so much..." I whisper into our kiss and Elijah pulls back, his stormy eyes showing just how steady they can be if I need him to.

"I love you, too. More than you know."

Saying goodbye to Elijah was tough, and I'm still riddled with doubt as I drive down the highway, trying to focus on the fact that I will see my brother again soon. It's what counts, it's what matters most to me. It's been so long since I've seen him, and I already feel my heart soar from the sole prospect of seeing him again.

I'm a bit earlier than expected, the ride was way quicker than I thought it would be and so I'm in the middle of the dorm building about an hour too soon. He surprised me the last time he visited me, I guess it's my turn now.

Looking for the room number Jake gave this morning I almost have to stifle a laugh at how cliche this dorm is. There are people drinking beer out of cups in every corner, some of the rooms blast super loud, super disturbing and annoying techno music through their doors, while you hear someone else practice the violin at the end of the hallway.

It's fascinating, kind of. Sometimes I wish I could've had this experience. But then again, looking at the guy who just vomited in a corner... Let's just say, I'll get over it.

I finally find room 316, the last door on the hallway. I don't know if I should be glad about that, considering this way we avoid most of the commotion, but it also means we have to walk through that exact commotion to get back to his room...

Well, it is what it is. As long as I can see my little brother, things will be fine.

I knock on the door, trying to be polite since I hear some music coming from inside, but the door suddenly gives in to my knock, slowly revealing the dimly lit dorm room.

"Jake?" I peek inside. "Are you... Oh my god!"

I think I want to disappear now.