So here it is! The last chapter of the first part of Blake's POV..

Next part will start at the same place as "I Sold Myself.." and you'll have to wait a lot for it..

But next time you'll have his POV he'll be much less whiny ;P

Alright.. I think that's it..

Read, enjoy, vote and comment! :DD

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Two weeks later, after a lot of arguing with the doctors and a convincing talk with Jsh, I left the hospital and I flew right to London with my parents. For the first time I didn't feel that deep inside feeling of finally being home.

I just felt empty.

Empty and completely lost...

We stayed in our studio, just the three of us, for a week. I stayed in bed, my ribs still hurting.

My mother was the one giving me the painkillers.

She didn't trust me with them.

That was a smart move...

We drove up to the family mansion. Evelyn ran up to me, with my three other cousins on her heels.

We stayed up all-night, her talking about school, and the boys she thought were cute, and complaining about that idiot in her Math class that was so annoying and that she simply couldn't stand and that she wanted to slap all the time and that... I smiled at her. She liked him. I told her about... what could I talk about? I wanted to tell her the truth... tell her everything but I couldn't... I just couldn't... So I talked about Josh, new ideas for graffiti that I couldn't help him with anymore because I was here. I told her about that new series I had started to read that wasn't so bad.

I could see her eyes caring and sad for me. I could barely give her a reassuring smile.

It was nice seeing all my family again though. There were a lot of family meals and family games and family walks and family shopping and family whatever...

Everyone looked at me, concerned. I shrugged it off.

Kay came to stay with us after the two first weeks I was staying at the mansion. She did hit my ass pretty hard, but then she hugged me tightly. I was glad. I had been worried she'd be mad at me for the DUI thing... She had been in the car with Jay after all...

The first few nights, she crept into my room and I cried in her arms all night, while she held me, rubbing my back and repeating over and over again that everything would be okay. Unlike Evy, I told her everything, as always...

She didn't talk about it afterwards and I was grateful for that.

I went to a hospital and got my cast sew off and more arguing with the doctors.

I concentrated on exercising my left arm.

My ribs didn't hurt so much anymore.

My heart still did though...

The summer was coming to an end. It didn't look like we were going to go back home... Home?

That stupid house in the US felt like home now?

I missed the days without rain.

I missed the lake behind our house.

I missed being in my stuff.

I missed Josh and his stupid ideas.

I missed Anita's cooking.

I missed my big library.

I missed that driveway that lead to our house.

I missed the cemetery close to my house, so perfect to look at the stars.

I missed my rack, where I would never admit to my mom, I sometime went.

I missed football.

And I missed her... I missed her so much...

But, as always, my mom was so happy being back with her family. She was always writing, having new ideas every day. It was crazy her brain didn't explode.

My dad was glad to go to all the expositions. He painted a lot too. And I even heard him compose new stuff.

They were happy but I wasn't.

But would I even be happy if we went back?

I was a mess... I really was and it didn't feel like anything could make everything alright...

Going back, staying here...

What was the point?

If we just stayed here, things could be easier. And it would also make the whole trying to forget about Lexi deal a whole lot easier right?

Loin des yeux loin du cœur? Away from the eyes, away from the heart... Out of sight out of mind?

Or maybe the question was did I really want her to be out of my mind?

I knew I couldn't and I didn't want to either that much had been freaking obvious...

So we flew back.

Evelyn was angry at me. She wanted me to stay with her. I'd miss my kiddo.

Kay had that look. I asked her if I was doing the right thing. She told me there was no such thing as a right thing, just different decision that led to different path and then consequences... I hugged her again. I told her she'd make Jay proud. I saw her eyes tear up. She didn't say I would too, and I didn't want her to, because we both knew I wouldn't.

I promised my parents I wouldn't get drunk again. And I wasn't lying.

School started. I didn't see her the first day. My heart squeezed, thinking that maybe she'd moved out of town or that she was sick or hurt or something.

And then the next day, I had my first class with her.

Her skin was the color of honey after all the summer sun. Her hair that twisted into messy curls at the bottom was paler. The sun again. She was taller. She looked a little thinner too, making her warm brown eyes, with her so long-no-need-for-mascara lashes, look a little bigger and making my heart ache. She still held her shoulder and had that posture that reminded me of a ballet dancer. She had the figure and the stance. I don't know why, I just loved it. I loved the way she bit the inside of her lips when she was thinking, or playing with that ring of hers. I loved how thin her waist was, so tiny my palm could probably cover the length of her back. That made her look so frail to me, but at the same time, I knew she was strong. It made my heart twitch. She was wearing short denim shorts that made her legs look infinite and all I wanted to do was have them wrapped around me. She had a flashy yellow shirt, baggy as usual, which fitted her perfectly; hanging just low enough to get a tiny teasing peek of her chest. She was wearing flip-flips and I smiled when I saw that her toes weren't painted in some flashy color like all the other girls. She wasn't like all the other girls. She was different, better. She was Lexi...

And I wanted her as much as I had always wanted her. Hell, I wanted her even more!

But there was no point, there really wasn't any!

And Alex walked into the class, right to her and kissed her temple while she was speaking with her blond friend, Vanessa, and my fist clenched under my table.

They were back together? They had sort things out over the summer and now they were together? That was all it could mean...

She didn't really seem to acknowledge that gesture though. She just kept speaking with Vanessa. And then she hit his forehead with her palm, stuck her tongue out and it looked like she was giving him a lecture about something, because he was rolling his eyes and doing that little fake disapproving shake of the head.

The school went on and nothing else led me to believe she was back with Alex. They still hang together but they weren't kissing or anything...

Shawn was still mad at me for the punch. I was mad because I hadn't crooked his nose...

I called Tamara, a girl going to a private school not far away from here that I knew Shawn wanted to hit. I convinced her to go out with him.

Shawn wasn't mad anymore.

But just by thinking about the way he had touch Lexi I still was...

The bimbos were back too...

And they all seemed more persistent than ever. Didn't they see I wasn't happy? Didn't they see sex with them was the last thing I needed right now?

But they still kept offering. Over and over again.

I was surprised by how much I didn't need to fuck any of them... Even after the entire summer without sex, I didn't feel the need to be with any of them...

I just needed Lexi... But she didn't need me...

She didn't even see me...

And I was tired of obsessing over someone I would never have. I was pathetic.

Me and her, it wouldn't happen. Whatever I wanted to believe, whatever I wanted to happen, it wasn't going to.

I understood that now... But I still felt like hell...

Josh dragged me out of my house at night for our graffiti. He had kept it low for the summer, because doing it alone was pretty hard. He was trying to cheer me up. Doing stupider and stupider things... I laughed with him... But the laugh didn't reach my eyes. And he was mad at me... I knew he was even though he didn't tell me, but I could see he was every time he looked at me with my parents, eyes telling me that I should just be honest and say the truth. But I wasn't going to worry them for no reason.

One month after the beginning of the year, Kay came to visit.

"We're going out!!" she had ordered me, dragging me away from my books and my comfortable couch.

So we went out.

She took me to clubs. She tried to hook me up with every girl she thought were hot enough for me. She didn't care about what people were thinking. She kept doing bold things, daring me to have fun, daring me to put a fucking smile on that face because it had been too long since she had seen a genuine one...

She made me feel a little better...

But she left two weeks later.

When I wasn't reading at night, or doing graffiti or something else completely stupid with Josh, I went to the cemetery. I don't know why, it made me feel a little better to see I wasn't the only one to have lose someone I loved. Every person buried here had a family, people that cared about them. I wasn't the only one feeling like shit...

One night I was lying on the grass, looking at the stars, close from the big memorial tomb when I hear someone sobbing.

I walked to the sound and found a girl, her head buried in her hands, kneeling in front of a grave.

I crouched beside her and she looked up at me. At first there was this weird look in her eyes, like I might be a ghost or something... like I was the one in the grave under her. I had never seen her here. She wasn't familiar to me at all... She probably wasn't from this town...

"How long has it been?" I whispered to her.

And then she sobbed even louder "One month..."

I looked at the name on the grave, and I wasn't surprise to see it was a boy name. Frederic Johnson.

"Did he know you loved him?" I asked her.

"Yes..." she whispered between sobs.

I don't know why I was still here, why I was talking to this girl... It just seems I couldn't stop myself from knowing...

"And did... did he love you?"

She kept sobbing but I saw her nod.

"Well, at least you have that to be thankful for..." I whispered

And then she looked at me. I could barely see the features of her face because of how dark the cemetery was but I could see all the sadness in her eyes.

"Where is she?" she asked me.

"Hmm?"

"You're mourning. I can see the grieving in your face; I can hear it in your voice. The girl YOU loved, where is she buried?" she asked me and I froze.

Was I like that? Did I look like someone grieving? Did I sound like someone grieving? Was I mourning?

I guess I kind of was... I was mourning for so much things right now... S many things I didn't want to think about, that I forced myself to not think about...

"You got it wrong... It's my brother... He's buried in New York... I'm not grieving for any girl..." I whispered.

I don't know why I was telling her that... it was ridiculous. I hadn't talk about my brother to anyone here...

But WASN'T I grieving for her...? Wasn't that what I wanted? To stop obsessing... forgetting?

I didn't know what I wanted... and in a way, it really didn't matter...

"You're lying..." she whispered back and then her hand brushed the grave in front of her lovingly.

"How did he die?" I asked her, swallowing loudly.

"Cancer..."

"You got to say goodbye... be thankful for that too..." I whispered again.

I didn't get to say goodbye to Jayden...

"How did she die?"

"My BROTHER died in a car crash..."

I killed him...

"What about the girl then...?"

My eyes started to twitch from the tears filling them.

"I don't mean anything to her..." I breathed.

"But she means the world to you?" she asked me, a hand resting on my shoulder.

In what sick twisted world, did a girl, crying for the dead love of her life, was the one comforting ME?

I nodded my jaws tight.

"You should tell her, before it's too late..." she said and then looked at the grave again.

"It's already too late..." I answered her.

And it was... it really was now...

"Well then, move on..." she challenged me.

Move on...

I should move on... But to what? For what? My life was a joke, a sick joke the Universe was playing on me...

And then the girl got up and left me there...

I stayed beside the grave until the sun came up.

I walked home, changed, and left for school.

That morning one of the cheerleaders came up to me and offered a little round in the bathroom stalls.

Move on Blake... I kept repeating to myself

So then the second round of Blake the player started...