I need an anthem.
I need a song I can sing

John Laurens IV

"So, John, are you going to explain why Alexander is sleeping on our couch, fast asleep?" Herc doesn't look very happy with me as his looming form strides into the living room.

"He looks pretty drugged too," Laf adds. Wow. These two sure had fast thinking.

"Sleep medicine in his milk," I mutter.

"Uh-huh. Now, what do plan to do to him? Is it consensual? He might still be a minor for all you know?" Herc begins another one of his frequent verbal assaults that got triggered when something was off.

Shit. I hadn't thought about that angle of things. He just looked so mature. But then again if he had school he wouldn't be able to work at the coffee shop. But he might've skipped, or dropped out. Dammit.

"And how you just happened to go out for a midnight stroll and came back with your crush in tow, then later he ends up on our couch? At this point, you might as well sleep with him for what it's worth, while you can."

I turn a violent shade of red. I can't say that I don't want to, but that's just overkill.

"I--uh--"

Laf turns to Herc. "His bed or the couch?"

"Couch is too small. Definitely John's bed. Too bad our walls are so thin. I should've picked one with thicker walls. Sound travels way too easy in this apartment."

"Uhm, can I--"

"Well, that's one thing. I think the lock on John's door is broken too. I remember one time he was mad at me and--"

Laf breaks out into giggles, giggles, before finishing his sentence, and so does Herc. Alexander just tried to kill himself and they're laughing. A life almost ended, and they're laughing. I can't take this.

"YEAH, I BROUGHT HIM BACK HERE BECAUSE HE TRIED TO FUCKING SHOOT HIMSELF!"

A stunned silence after my outburst. Alex-no, Alexander-grunts.

"I couldn't let him go back there. Wherever there is. I couldn't let him go back."

Herc steps forward. "Why didn't you tell us?"

"Because you two were making these inappropriate references and wouldn't let me talk at all! Laughing, while he nearly died!"

The apartment is quiet again, all except for the sound of the city and Alexander's soft snoring. They crossed a line today. My yelling at them was justified. Wasn't it?

"I'm sorry," Laf whispers.

Herc lets his head fall down. "So am I."

I scowl. This night has been long enough. "Tomorrow, when he wakes up, and I'm at work, and if he gets hurts-even one scratch-I'm out of there." I sigh. "Look, last night, I was getting signs that he was abused as a child. He kept on telling me to let him go, and how if I let him go he wouldn't say anything again, and that I promised I wouldn't touch him. I promised to 'Mom'. He was whimpering. Whimpering. He was truly scared and treated me like I was someone else--someone he truly feared. So please, treat him gently and nicely.

"I just want him to be happy. Please, be careful with him."

"John, trust us, we won't let anything harm him," Herc says.

I give them a look than say, "I've got his gun. He'll probably ask for it. Don't give in to him. And don't let anything hurt him."

"Trust us we got this. This isn't the first time we've dealt with someone who's trying to kill themselves, John." Laf says quietly.

I nod silently, realization hitting me. They wouldn't usually bring it up, but I wasn't the first third roommate.

And they kept their promise. They kept him safe.

- - -

When I came home, Alexander was asleep on the couch and Herc and Laf were just watching him. A tad creepy if it wasn't exactly what I asked them to do.

"Enjoying yourselves?" I ask, setting my things down on the kitchen counter.

"Your boyfriend has been sleeping for two hours now. Help us."

I laugh a little.

Laf gets a serious face for a second, "You mentioned abuse earlier but I think that it's a lot more than you thought. What exactly did he say to you last night?"

"Well," I say, racking my brain. "I think he said 'sir, please, let me go. I promise I won't say anything about tonight again. But please, you've never touched me before, you promised Mom you wouldn't'. Then he said, 'Please, I'm doing a good thing. You like it when I do good things. I'm helping the balance, I'm taking myself out so you can go in and fix Mom'."

"I can't be the only one thinking that maybe Mom was the manipulative one." Laf reasoned, trying to lighten the tone.

"I would agree, but it was all centered around 'him.' 'Mom' was just an end result."

"Oh! Right!" Laf exclaims, "I met his mom, or at least his mom's nurse."

When Laf says he met his mom my heart fills with irrational jealousy.

"Nurse, you say?" Herc jumps in, physically throwing his body into the conversation.

"She has cancer."

"Oh." That took quite an unexpected turn.

Laf continues. "The nurse said that Alexander's mom had yelled at him earlier, something about his father and how he would still be by her side had Alexander not been born, also something about how James should've been born. But he doesn't know that bit, that was just this morning, the James bit. But I do think that's why he chose this particular day to try and shoot himself."

I frown. "That's...dark."

Herc speaks up for the first time in a while. "These conversations are rarely light. Today I gave him three strikes for suicidal thoughts. Reach strike three and he'll go through my counseling. He got two."

"No harm done to him?"

"None."

I stand up. "I'm going to go take a shower. If he wakes up keep him company and entertain him. Be nice. Okay? Don't be your normal 'fed Gremlin-selves'."

"Okay," Laf and Herc say at the same time.

- - -

The cold water feels good. It's refreshing and helps me sort out my thoughts. The cold water also brings back a sense of nostalgia. It helps take me back to when I was doing what Alexander is doing now. Working all the time that I can so that I can pay the bills (except my bills weren't medical they were saving up for college tuition). Also, I have to pay a third of the water bill and cold showers always motivate me to get in and out.

I'm not sure why, but today I feel like maybe trying a warm shower would be an idea. Maybe it was the fact that Laf and Herc brought up Charles. Charles was the third roommate before me. They weren't the best of friends with him, but they were good enough friends. And, it doesn't matter how well they knew him, it will haunt them forever. He was the first time they walked in on a suicide victim. To add salt to the wound, Charles didn't go quietly, he went beyond the point of any repair. He slit his wrist, overdosed, and drowned himself. Laf was in shock and a half-way catatonic state for a week. Herc bounced back and threw himself into work. I spent the whole time consoling them and hating myself because I didn't react to it. That it didn't affect me, that it wasn't the first person I saw that killed themself. That it wasn't the worst suicide victim I've seen. That I could continue.

I press my lips together. I had a feeling that I was going to hate this, but I was going to take a warmish coldish shower as a compromise.

And sure enough after about 10 seconds of being in that shower with the water on its awkward temperature, I was done. I turn the handle so that the water is on the coldest setting, and--

"FUCK!" I yell as the freezing water hits me strong, like a shelf of ice hitting a ship.

"Shit oh shit no fuck YOU BASTARD SHOWER--"

My tense muscles relax as the water turns warm again, and I slump against the side. There was no doubting that Laf, Herc, and Alexander heard my profane outburst. I was never going to hear the end of that. What did Alexander think of cussing? He's never done it, but then again he hasn't even flat out told us what he wants to be called.

- - -

That train of thought, of how much we don't know, elongates my shower from about 5 minutes to 45 minutes. I don't know how I lost track of time in such an extreme interval, but by the time that I walked down stairs the movie Mulan was playing on the tv. Alexander has a thing for animated movies apparently. Last night he wanted an animated movie on and now Mulan? Herc mentioned trauma, maybe this is how he coped?

When I come out, the movie is just after the "I'll Make a Man Out of You." I watched this movie a lot as a kid. My parents bought it for my sisters but I ended up watching it more than they did. I loved Mulan. Mulan is the bomb.

I sit down on the only open spot in habit, usually the order is me, Herc, and then Laf. So, I did not deserve the snickers that came from Laf's mouth when I sat down directly next to Alexander. Herc's couch comfortably fits around three people. It should be pushing it, but Alexander is so tiny.

I knew that he was short, like 5'6"-ish, but I didn't realize how skinny and thin he was. His presence only made it slightly uncomfortable to sit on the couch. We tried to have one of Laf's girlfriends sit here with us once and I left within 10 minutes. I'm actually pretty comfortable, one cute guy directly next to me(our knees are touching) and my two best friends are right there.

"Mulan," I remarked wringing out my hair a little bit over the edge of the couch, I'd prefer not to get Alexander wet. "Good choice."

Herc looked down at his watch, "Shit, it's 6. What do you guys want to eat for dinner?"

Laf lackadaisically reclines. "Can we just do pizza?"

We all watch Alexander to see what he thought of it, and after a moment of thought, he nods. That's all the confirmation I need.

"Pizza it is then."

I love Mulan. I love it so much. I forgot how much I love it. I was completely entranced when there was a knock on the door.

I've never seen Laf run faster then when food is on the line. His scurrying feet come racing back with two boxes of pepperoni pizza.

"Pizza time!" he calls his slightly ridiculous French accent walking over to us with the pizza. Multiple times he's tried to do an American accent and it was both hilarious and offensive. Every time me and Herc tell him to never do so again. I guess one can imagine whether he listened or not. I wonder if that is how he feels when we do French accents.

Herc and I let out small cheers as he sets the pizza down on the coffee table. Herc mutters something under his breath, something that makes Alexander's eyes widen and him start shoveling pizza into his mouth. And by shoveling I mean that in the time that I had finished one (I'm considered the 'glutton') of the group he's already on his fourth piece.

Wait! Did Laf not feed him? They were supposed to take care of him?!

I send them a pointed look, as Alexander approaches his seventh slice. That's more than half a pizza all by himself!

Laf nervously cleared his throat under my death gaze, "Wow Alexander you must be really hungry. Did those sandwiches earlier not fill you up? I'm sorry if they didn't."

After he's done, Laf sends me an 'are-you-happy' look and then looks back to Alexander. Alexander doesn't respond though, he just pauses then keeps eating, somehow faster than before. Was he starving before? Did he not have money for food? That'd explain how he is so completely and utterly small.

At his eighth piece Herc says something. He uses a soft gentle voice that I haven't heard him use before. It's soft and quiet and gentle, "Alexander. Slow down. Take a breath, then you can keep eating."

And, he did, he took a single breath, then kept eating at the same break neck speed. By the time he's done eating, he's completely decimated an entire pizza all by himself. While he's in his own little world-- we've noticed he escapes and will just zone on us for periods of time-- me, Herc and Laf have a 'nonverbal' conversation. Basically the jist of it was this, Alexander was either on the couch for two weeks, or spending two weeks in my bed.

Laf only has a twin bed and those don't bode well with sharing. Herc doesn't want to share a bed with 'my' dude, even though his queen bed is plenty big for sharing. So that left me and my Full size bed to share with another guy. Another guy that I very much like. That I like so very much. And I'm infamous for moving in my sleep, and while I'd love to, I don't think it'd be appropriate to wake up spooning a guy whose actively trying to kill himself.

After watching the end of Mulan, and the first hour or so of The Little Mermaid, Herc and Laf go off to sleep. Leaving me and Alexander in an awkward silence. At least, for me, Alexander is so enthralled in the movie I sing (and perform) and entire ajr song and Alexander wouldn't notice.

When a commercial break comes on, and Alexander's trance is broken, I self consciously stutter out my question. "Um, ah," I start, where'd all my cool go? My elegance of diction, Alexander my feelings for you are so great, but damn you're taking my talking now too? You already have my heart? "I'd be cool sharing a bed with you? In like a non-romantic way, just two buds chilling?"

He nods okay, he NODS. He's taking over me head and my heart and he NODS. If he were to actually go through with killing himself, I'd die.

But eventually we both start getting ready to go to bed, I let Alexander use the bathroom first, so that I have time to set of the pillow divider. In my own apartment, every room matches. There's a color, and design, style for every room. So, while Laf may make fun of me for it, I have the matching throw pillows for my bed spread.

Alexander comes in and gives a small smile at the arrangement. I almost sighed in relief, one of my main worries was that he wouldn't be cool with this. His smile gives me even more reasons to like him, his smile is so pure, even this bare upturn of his lips is great.

As I lie in bed waiting to fall I asleep, urging myself to stay still, listening to Alexander's breathing even out, I can't help but wish that I could stay like this forever.