TRIGGER WARNING-

From this point onwards this book will include sensitive triggers like Sexual Assault/ Abuse/ Child abuse/ Pedophilia/ Incest / Self-harm and suicide/ disorders and Violence. (If you suffer epilepsy this isn't your best option)

I couldn't sleep yesterday; I went to school and came back looking like a zombie, I do not usually look bad when I go two days sleepless. I just do not get human biology. You sometimes sleep for days and others you fail to sleep no matter how much you've tried. diagnosed for insomnia by the medical team in school wasn't surprising but wasn't quite believable at the same time. What I know is there is a clear difference between chronic insomnia and transient sleep difficulties, and the prolonged and regular appearance of these symptoms indicates that a person may have had a bad day or two. Having trouble sleeping at night while waking more than once for no apparent reason seems to be my thing with, of course, not being able to take a midday nap despite the extreme fatigue that I may experience at noon. it's not overthinking either.

I just think its all due to feeling of allergies, nervousness, and tension throughout the day. Feeling very tired and tired when you wake up. Difficulty concentrating or being unable to complete any tasks at home or work due to extreme fatigue. I surprisingly also oversleep sometimes. But most days I sleep for hours and hours because I do not want to wake up. 

However, today is an exception to my long sleeping days, today I just went to school without sleep and surprisingly my friends told me my "skin looked shiny today" but that's a lame lie I've met before, one would want some help in 'English as a second language' the other would want to ask for a hairstyle or nail polish and decided to start with a compliment. And that's the case every day. So my whole day was a group of three, me, myself and I.

I had a very blank day. I finished my classes and stayed with Cameron a bit, they only highlight of my day was that I played a volley match with my friends in school. Sometimes you get to know these people who you hang out and chat with for hours and hours but you still don't remember their names. Yep, I have tons. 

Long ago I decided that no one is really going to help me. When my cousin looked at me with pity and said 'you are never going to be okay anymore' I did not complain, but it broke what's left of me. What stoned out my heart, looking to the eye of my cousin like medusa. People don't know that the simple act of moving their tongue can hurt or break someone. It can hurt to the extent that you will wish you are invisible and therefore, start acting like an invisible. It will make you think you are useless, unwanted. It will make you feel that your existence is a burden on the people around you.

It will make you wish to die. To sleep and never wake up again. To fade. The society sometimes acts on changing you, blending and shaping you. Like they own you, as you can only ever be changed by them. But the biggest crime is letting the society decide who you are....and when you end up at the dark pit of the tunnel where it is so dark you cannot see your own hand, you won't see the society anymore. And it wouldn't help you.

It'll hurt, thinking that you are unwanted. Wishing to die is hard as well but what is harder is to feel like you are responsible for dragging yourself down. That you have no reason worthy of the amount of despair you have, but you do anyway.  It was up to you to conceal the collapse with your own tears from everyone, but a curse on those eyes that exposed what you kept hidden for years.

I don't care about every person leaving my life, all I care about is not feeling it. At night, my chokes suffocate me, and I stare at my shadow in a silent plea, our features are similar, we cry a lot and we hide tears, for fear that someone will see them. If you ever decide to leave a lover, do not leave a wound in his place and my lover was my young self- the only person I couldn't really love; me. 

After I went home, the same exact trauma of every day is on replay. 'do not sleep and study' and ' after you study clean this and that' and 'you are not studying enough' and 'study a little more'. I really don't mind studying but it bugs me when everyone everywhere greets me with the word "study". My phone buzzes. 

Aaron: I am really sorry I didn't show up I was just so busy and I had to leave for private tuition, I am really so sorry.

Sorry? I was waiting for 1...2...3 hours in the intense heat and directly under the sun but who cares? I am used to being ignored anyway. Aaron is convinced we are just friends, even though he always gives the impression that we are more than that, or he used to anyway.

"There will come a day and you will find someone who sacrifices for a smile to draw on your face, so do not close the doors of your heart, because not everyone who knocks intends to hurt you" I remember those words very clearly, yet the person who said them doesn't seem to remember me. I inspect the lines on my wrist, very fresh, and very red. I still didn't decide whether they are ugly or pretty when they leave brown and white scars behind. The old cuts are obvious through the new with a color duet of blood-red and skin brown. Every time I look at them I try to decide. But they don't seem ugly to me, nor pretty for the matter. They're just.... hollow. Standing from the bathroom's floor, I walk to the tub and run the water. I sit in it fully clothed and let the blood and water run down the fabric, and when I look at the full-length mirror opposite, I see some smudged mascara run down my face too.

'sorry' he says? A bit too late I guess. I grin to myself thinking why is 'sorry' so easy for everyone? I deserve a phone call at least. to take my mind off the matter I decide to do what I always do, what I seem to be good at.

Count. The cuts.1..2..3..27 it is okay, friends do that .Another lie to believe.

Friends do that.

Friends do that.

I keep whispering to myself that maybe one day I would believe it. I keep whispering waiting for the words to be real, to feel real. Right, I almost forgot. I cant 'feel'.

I took a lot of bullshit, that we are not good in a relationship, we aren't the best match, we aren't who we wish to be. But to be friends....

Friends? Why am I acting along to that? Our friendship was never actually friendship. It was more of a lame act after a crazy crush, and it is dead a long time ago yet I keep trying. And trying. And trying. Because I do not want to lose him, Aaron is the world to me.

He is not there most of the time.

Don't think about it

We don't make sense

Don't think about it

He said he liked me

Don't think about it

Is it really how he felt?

My wrists are still bleeding under the water, not enough to drop me dead, but enough to busy my mind off the real pain. But oh – wish it was enough to bring my last breath.

Wake up wake up wake up.

This is not a dream, you cannot wake up, the voice inside my head says. These voices won't let me be. I shiver when the cold water replaces the warm water and washes down over my skin. It is cold cold cold. Not the water,  but the physical pain. The heartache.

But remember, you are not a human being. You are not capable of feeling. The voices say.

Don't cry, don't cry. Don't cry.

Always remember that no one in this life suffers for your, or feels the sadness you face but you. cherish yourself or hate it all you want, you are always the only one who would care. You always have to hide everything inside you because no one will be able to relieve these painful feelings. you are a lost cause. you are wicked. unloved. you are the mirror of a devil in humans cloth.