I woke up today on my brother crying and when I asked him why he said that mom is nowhere to be found. Marcus is the youngest of us, and the only boy so he is my mom's favorite ...or maybe it is just a stereotype that seems to be real. This is why it was odd that she didn't take him along where ever she was going. I slide from under the duvet and jumped as my bare feet touched the cold floor. As I slide down to rest on one knee and brush away his tears as his chest rises heavily as he gasps for air and held him in my arms trying to soothe him down and when he is tucked down and even, I head to the bathroom.

After hurriedly washing my face and accidentally burning it with hot water, I went down the stairs to find Zoe laying on the couch bundled up in a duvet, and both Agatha and Shery playing with their dolls on the carpet. I looked at Zoe who apparently took mom's spot on the couch. I called her twice but if she heard me, she didn't show it. So I waved in front of her eyes until her focus is disturbed...

Her gaze goes right through me, eyes darting, unseeing. She turned back to the TV, reflections of Alex Trebek and Jeopardy in her eyes.

"Zoe?" I ask. She doesn't respond. Doesn't notice. "Hey, Zoe, I'm talking to you!" My demands are met with silence. Something is wrong, and I can't tell you what it is. There's a memory stalking me at the back of my mind, prowling, trying to catch my awareness. I know what's wrong, but I can't touch it, can't make it solid. I hear my brother crying again, lonely tears of thirst.

He's crying out of thirst. I turn around. Agatha, Sherry, Zoe... but they are all blurry. I must be tired. I try to recall the words as I go out into the kitchen. Need water for my brother. He's thirsty. I turn on the faucet, but there's no water. Only a dry hollow sound from the sink. I walk over to the fridge, there's always some soda at the bottom. Dad rarely buys some soda, for when we've been good. The door is open, and I can see the fridge is empty, cobwebbed. Like it's been abandoned for years.

The little light inside has gone out, leaving only darkness.

"Zoe? What happened to the fridge?" I call out, but of course, there's no response.

Of course, there's no response.

I return to the living room. Among the broken remnants of the hardwood floor lies the toys Sherry and Agatha used to play with. The savage memory crept closer. It's going to pounce anytime now. Were there bombs? I can remember being scared. I can remember mom promising us that she'll be back. The memory pounces, brings me back to where I am. We're all gone now. Humpty Dumpty toy broke and no one could fix him. I know I should feel dread, I know I should feel fear. But there's nothing. Only a living beating heart can know fear.

I wake up in a gasp, trying to catch my breath. A nightmare that always starts differently yet ends the same. I whip the tears surrounding my eyes and tie my hair up. I think about getting up but I lay again on my side, thinking. I try to understand my dreams sometimes, they go from old real memories to strange fictional nightmares. I never had a decent sleep when I was a kid. it became a habit to wake up thrice a night- sometimes more- even if I didn't dream. I woke up to hollow feeling, not fear but just hollowness.

I held my breath and hoped he would think I was sleeping maybe he would go away. I held my breath and acted like I was dead, but it didn't work because he doesn't care. Bad things aren't supposed to happen to good kids, yet it happened. And he doesn't care.

He closed the door and locked it behind him, I watched the keys turn before he shoves them in his pocket, and then I closed my eyes and wished we would go home fast. We would go home and I will promise mommy that I will be a good girl and always listen to her.

I will kiss daddy and hug him and listen to him, but when I closed my eyes I heard heavy footsteps come closer, mom said walking on the carpet with the shoes is a bad habit but I am scared to tell him or he will slap me again.

"hey little one, don't you want to thank me for the present?" he touches my cheek.

"I want to go home" I cry in a plea.

The hand that touches my cheek flies in a back slap across my cheeks and tears start to spill, it stings from where he slapped me.

"strip," he says with a hard voice that makes me cry more.

"Mom told me not to take off my clothes out anywhere" I stop looking at him and lose all the respect I have for him, not a single love for my cousin in my heart now. I shiver when he starts to scream at me again "didn't I call mom!"

My breathing is hard and my chest tightens in something that is likely to be a panic attack something I didn't have before. my hands start to shake.

Another slap comes across my face, then another one. All hard and painful while I am still shivering in panic tasting the blood at my lips. "strip! Now!" I hear his screams even though I covered my ears, I cry more in shock.

I want home.

I want to go to mom, I want to play with my sister. I want to be out of here,

I should have never left in the first place, I should've listened and stayed close to home. I am sorry mommy I am sorry I did not listen. Please help me, please help me.

------

its a sunny day, but the school is as chill as it always been. Cameron nudges me getting me back to earth.

"oh, sorry..... I'm daydreaming, again" I mumble quietly.

"This year's Art Fair. In or out?" she asks excitedly, jumping as she expects the 'im game' reaction from me. But just shake my head and she falls quite not asking why.

"did Aaron show up?" I ask, looking at the playground.

"Nope, not this week"

"cool," I say in an attempt to hide my frustration.

I remember the first time I spilled the beans because it was disastrous.

"you what?" Loren screamed on the other end of the phone nearly destroying my eardrums, I think I like someone is what I told her then I blushed as I whispered to her "please don't make it harder than it already is"

"oh please! I can feel you blushing. But then what? After so many years?" she giggles "the girls and I thought you were –"

"IM NOT GAY!" I cut her off.

"but-" she attempted to say

"nor bi nor homo or grey" I list all the possibilities that Loren's creative brain might drift into " I am just aeromantic" her laughter roared through the earphones

"you know since you've been gone Khalil got involved in many fights with everyone, he is losing his mind that I swear once he was crying, the guy misses you. Hell, I miss you bitch" after laughing so much I realized that at this moment I should probably be emotional and cry or something but I just drop my voice to my how much I miss my best friend.

"no homo," we said in unison both exploding in laughter

"Who knew that the girl who turned down down eleven dates last year would now have a crush on someone"

"you were counting?" I said surprised "maybe I will just try to let it go"

"Hello? back to the land of the living?" Cameron roars once more. ripping me from my memories.

"Wanna hear a song?" I asked her and her nodes. Maybe I can give my self a chance, I owe this much to myself. I look at the sky, plug in my Airpods and start to write the lyrics I hear.

Maybe I can give my self a chance, I owe this much to myself

I start to write:-

Nobody I liked like you

I can love nobody back

You remind me of the moon

Cuz every night you coming back

What am I supposed to do

If I am so in love with you

I can not get over you

I can not get over you

Since you left me every night

I go stare at the moon

I do things we used to do

Hoping I run into you

I can not get over you