Are we accountable for the choices we make?

Their happy voices still resonates in her head and prompts the edges of her mouth to curl up. Lola keeps reliving the moment where they sang, shouted and laughed as they shook their bodies. That had been one of those rare moments they had been free with one another. Within that hour, her worries had been swept away, her fears dampened and for once in many weeks, nothing held her back from freedom. Joshua's voice had been as horrible as hers yet they found hilarity in them. The neighbours had been disturbed and they pretended not to know, laughing secretly at the misery they would be feeling. Everyone had one way or the other disturbed the peace of the compound. They should bear with them for the first time. All these happened on a karaoke night Lola organised. She liked how free they were jumping and singing, her heart full of laughter and joy. And she was grateful she had that moment with Joshua.

Lola smoothened the invisible creases on her lavender colour dress. She smells just like the colour of the dress, a subtle scent on her neck. Her eyes roved through the room occupied by almost fifty guests. Everyone's dressed in designer suits and dresses. Few danced to the music of the live orchestra, and many in little groups of twos or more conversed with their glasses of expensive alcohols in hand. The charity event was the organizer's way of showing off her new interior and elevate her status in the society. Her mother had been invited but she was unable to attend and told Lola to go in her place. Lola sighed, euphoria zinging through her. This life, she cannot give it up for anything. She loves its luxury and comfort. But it is not perfect. There are a lot of glitches in it. Money, she learnt the hard way, does not solve everything but it gives you peace of mind to an extent. You do not have to worry about your financial needs.

Her eyes kissed his across the room. They were fixated upon hers as he spoke to the plump, potbellied man before him. The intensity at which they looked at her tingled her skin, flustered her heart yet worried her. She could read so much in them than she wanted to. Bringing Joshua along to the elite charity event turned out not to be a bad idea. It was something she did out of....out of what? She had no idea. His smile was returned with a little curve of her mouth before she looked away to observe the art on the wall. That should worth a lot of dollars. Millions perhaps. Stealing that can change someone's life from wretched to noble. She lifted her champagne flute to her lips embraced in matte lipstick. Joshua's ability to read her mood leaves her in wonder. There are times he tries to invade her privacy, know the reason for her bad mood and ask questions he should not and she was good at shutting him away at times like that. She will tell him everything. One day she will. It might not be in a little while but it will happen.

He gives a lot and she got little to offer. He appreciates her and she does little of that. He knew material things would not fuel her joy so he has been creative in what he gifts her. She can do the same. Right? But how? The last time she did such was five years ago before that man ripped the peace out of her life. She had given a lot, trying to have a fairy tale love all for nothing. Most of her life have been lived with insecurities and trying not to attach herself to any man. She had been careful not to have her heart broken and not to offer much to the man in her life because the end result would always be a heart break. She felt, at a point in her life, that she was missing a lot. Her friends had love and she knew what she saw. People who loved without restriction. There was nothing holding them back. And she thought, maybe there are good men out there. Someone who will not leave her broken. When Anthony came along, she gave him a chance hoping he would change her perspective about love. How naïve and stupid of her. Lola drowned the remaining content of her glass when a text came in from Anthony: I miss you. Come over.

Her pulse stuttered. Anthony from being her prince charming became a living nightmare she want to get rid of. Can her mother just do something quick? She had promised she will find a solution and ensure she is left unhurt and Anthony will rot in hell. It's been two weeks which is a very long time and nothing has been done. She had called her mother in moments she felt her secrets would be exposed, times Anthony had found a way to break her and moments she felt she was losing the remaining sanity left. Her mother had assured her she was doing something about it. The sudden riot in her stomach was upsetting and left her in discomfort. Doctor Ben prescribed stronger sleeping pills for her. She marvels at their ability. They make her sleep well, until sometimes, she rises from another nightmare. If her mother does not act fast then she might have to deal with this in her own way. But how?

"May I have this dance with you?" A voice husked in her ear. She jumped, turning the screen of her phone over then laughed when she saw who it was.

With a smile that hurt her cheeks, she offered her clammy hands to her husband, trying to stop the tremors in them. Her smile was honeyed as her tone. Well, no one will ruin her mood tonight. Not even Anthony.

-----

The Wednesday night that followed, Joshua took her for a dance at some substandard restaurant on mainland. The live band was lit, beer cheap, the nkwobi was tender and suya was tasty and spicy. The chairs and tables were white plastic with a branded table cloth over the tables. She had her natural hair in a bun on top of her head, wore something very comfortable and simple and Joshua had told her she looked even more beautiful than she had ever been. The makeup on her face was minimal than it would have been on any other day. They laughed more that night and danced until their feet were sore.

Her photography job's beginning to get boring. It's monotonous and she's getting tired of it. The clients are beginning to annoy her. She knew what the problem was. She does not enjoy being a wedding photographer anymore. Telling people what to do and how to pose, trying to be create something romantic when she isn't a romantic are more exhausting than anything else. She should have tried something else, a different kind of photography that won't allow her to deal with people every day and ventured into the type of photography she had loved back at school, aerial photography and landscape photography. As a nomad, she was already a travel photographer who worked for herself. Her works had been admired online and there were interested buyers offering prices way better than she would earn from covering a wedding. Had she committed herself into what she loved, she would have had an exhibit. How could she have been so stupid to reject such offers? That gave her the idea to maybe begin a photography blog and start selling her works online. She might enjoy doing that more than anything else, working from home except she wants to take pictures.

Lola shared her conflicted thoughts with Joshua. He had been very attentive, giving her solutions and what he considered his best opinion until she complained about how rude and annoying her clienteles can be.

His brows went up with an amused look in his eyes. "That's how people feel when you talk foully to them." Her hard glare made him chuckle. "They can't give you the same response because they have a business to grow. I have seen how you speak to people Lola, it's a sight that can make anyone cringe and angry."

"I do not remember ever telling you that you are in a position to tell me that!" Her words came sharp from her gnashed teeth.

He shrugged. "It's high time you stopped speaking to people and looking at them like they are some piece of shit stuck under your shoes. It's part of personal growth. You can be a better person if you want to." The silence that descended upon them was like a ticking time bomb. He waited for her to explode, bite his head off instead she spun away, watched the live band and those around. Joshua had not tried to talk to her which she was thankful for.

They drove back to the island where they stopped at a beach. They trekked its length with their bare feet in the sand, slinking through their toes, hand on hand, the moon smiling down at them, illuminating their path with the extra lighting from the artificial lights around. They had stopped as they conversed. Her kimono flapped in the wind. When he added to something she had said, a mischievous thought came into head. She had bent down to fill her hand with sand while looking at him, smiling and nodding her head to what he was saying. He halted talking, gave her a suspicious look but it was too late. The soft sand like finely milled grains was already rushing down his head. She laughed then broke into a run when he reached out to her. They ran, screaming and chortling. Her regular exercise gave an extra boost to her speed until she could not run anymore. She fell on the sand. He collapsed right next to her, both of them panting.

Water waltzed to the shore and back. It surges rolled and splashed. Its soft tunes entertained them and they listened to it, nestled into one another. Her lips were stretched, his warmth welcomed. He started to speak and she listened to his drawls, melting to the thickness of his voice. There was nothing more she wanted at that time than what they had. He became enough for her.

Something changed. She felt different. That unswerving emotion was surreal, left her wondering. She just wanted to clinch to him. His arm around her waist gave her security and she burrowed into him for more. There's nothing she needed more than that. He received her lithe frame into his firm build. She took note of everything he did, got hold of every word he uttered and listened to the jingle of his laughter. Most things about him that were never captivating were at that moment. He touched her with a tenderness that was so soft she could barely feel. She loved the feel of his hand in her bin, pulling at one of her moisturized curls.

She said something that caused them laugh. The end of his nose grazed hers. There was something right there, in the tip of their brushing fingers that ignited sparks in their bodies. A feeling so strange to her yet familiar to him. She'd take her hand away shocked by what wrecked through her then brush her soft pads against his rough ones. He gripped her hand tenderly, his breathing heavy and she kissed him differently that day. It was not meant to be. She could have stopped it but there was so much she was feeling that she wanted him to know. He was smiling with satisfaction when they broke apart. And he kissed her again, so soft, so gentle and she loved the way their tongues romped.

Lola tried to live like Anthony was not still in her life and the drastic positive change in her relationship with Joshua does not scare her. It was hard to pretend everything was alright with her, laugh hard like she got no problems of her own, visit friends and pretend to enjoy her time with them when all she wanted to do was cry. The intake of her pills have become more regular because she needed the rest from emotional exhaustion. They visited Joshua's mother the weekend that followed. Lola was not so excited about it but it was kind of nice to speak to his mother again. Both mother-in-law and daughter-in-law do not have a cordial relationship but they could converse without feeling any resentment toward one another. Ope's yet to warm up to her just as she was yet to with the teenager who kept giving her nasty looks. There's still a cold air around her and Sophia for reasons known to them alone.

The smell of frying samosas had made her stomach grumble and pulled Lola to the kitchen. She saw the fried samosa in a coriander and had reached out for two, taking a bite immediately to calm her grumbling stomach. Ope was by the gas cooker, flipping over the last set of samosas and spring rolls.

"You should not be eating that?" The teenager had said, her voice anything but nice.

"Why?" Lola asked after swallowing her previous bite.

"You did not make it. You should have a little shame when eating what you did not make or help in its making."

"Why?" Her eyes held Ope's angry ones. It made her wonder why the girl feels so much anger and hate towards her but like always, she does not care. Everyone can't like her. In fact, many people never liked her. Why should she be ashamed to eat something she did not cook? In her house, there are cooks and kitchen staffs to prepare their meal. She has not done anything more than make coffee for herself all her life and the coffee was terrible. That's why she had to hire a cook when she got married to Joshua.

"It's what people with conscience would do."

Lola's brows soared. "Too bad I do not have any conscience." The words came out with an aloof attitude that powered Ope's fury.

"How do you even keep my brother?" It was not a question that came out of curiosity but out of disdain for her. "You do not even know how to cook or do anything. You have one of the worst characters on earth."

Lola took a serviette, wiped her mouth gracefully then said "Who told you knowing how to cook and do household chores would keep a man?" Her chuckle was a mockery that surprised Ope then infuriated her. "Like our mothers succeeded in keeping their husband after doing that." Lola rolled her eyes, resting against the counter to cross her legs and arms. "Allow me to ruin that illusion for you, sweetie." Her smile was the sweetest she could muster. "You can know how to cook, be the best housekeeper in the world, be a wife and a slut for your man. You can also try to be his side chick but let me tell you the bitter truth, a man who does not want to be kept can't be kept. Do not allow anyone feed you those lies about knowing how to cook and do household tasks would keep a man. Don't grow up to invest your all into him. Most times, the result is never good. You can give him a part of yourself but don't make the mistake of giving him your all. You have yourself to love and invest into. Do that instead."

"Don't say that to her?" Sophia snapped behind them.

"Why?" Lola spun to her enemy.

"She's just seventeen." Expelled Sophia's lips.

"So? That does not mean we have to lie to her and allow her imagine a fairy tale love when there is barely any in this life."

"Keep your negativity to yourself! There is love. True love that will find her one day! A man who will appreciate her!"

Lola scoffed at those words. "What's negative about what I just said? She's old enough to know and learn such thing. I bet she is no virgin. Dear, it's not a bad thing." She beamed at Ope whose jaw dropped.

"Lola!" Sophia called under her hot breath, her eyes held a very strong warning.

"What?" Lola blew at her baby pink fingernails. "She isn't. Look at her." She gestured to Ope who was beginning to flush and heat up. "Do you want to tell me she has not slept with that boy who calls her every night? They would have done more than kissing. My seventeen years old sisters aren't."

"Just because you have sluts in your family does not mean everyone is!"

Those words hit Lola hard into her chest. Her next words came out with vengeance and a very poisonous venom. "Wow!" Lola exhaled, trying to ease the burn in her chest. "Nice to hear that coming from a woman who slept with her teacher in the toilet." Sophia's big eyes grew bigger. Ope gasped. Lola gave a victorious smile. "I saw you that day with your Maths teacher. You were my senior and would have been fifteen or around her age."

Sophia's chest rose and fell. Her take in and take out of air were loud and hard. Vehemence incensed her veins. "You psychopath!"

"Does it hurt that I have tainted your reputation as the good daughter-in-law, wife and sister-in-law. You and I know better than anyone that you are no saint." They held one another's eyes with a heat that could cause destruction. Ope stood rigid, wordless and sweaty. Her eyes kept moving from one furious woman to the other.

"What's going on here?" Joshua's voice broke the tension and their unforgiving stare.

"Nothing." Lola sang out with a release of air, her lips took a sudden turn upwards. "We were just having a friendly conversation." She beamed at a shocked Ope and angry Sophia, took two more samosas and left.

Lola still basked in the victory she felt after doing that. It was kind of good to be a villain. Sophia deserved that, even worse after all she did to her. A story she does not want to reminisce.

Ten days later, she parked in front of Anthony's beach house. She had called few hours back to meet him because they had a very important conversation. She's losing her grip on a number of things. Each day she spends with Joshua only intensifies the guilt in her. That guilt has become a rope around her neck that would soon squeeze the life out of her. She's a cheat, three words that have been playing over and over again in her head. She's what she despised the most and that makes her a hypocrite. Joshua had embarked on an official journey from work. He said it might take a while and he was not sure about coming back soon. She had spent the past two days of his departure at her parents' house enjoying time spent with her family and thinking hard.

Where does her relationship with Joshua take them? What does she want with him? Does she want to continue in this path to something new? The foundation of their relationship had been based on lies and distrust. They are not telling each other a lot. And with her infidelity, they might really have no future. Should she tell him and free herself from this guilt?

Her mood swing had grown worse. One minute she's happy and the next she's angry, frustrated and everything becomes annoying. Her thoughts runs wild and she's shouting at nothing. Those voices in her head are still there. The ones that tells her how useless she is. The voices that calls her a murderer. Many voices. A lot of them. She recognises some and the rest are unknown. She would tell them to stop. They should just stop and they won't. She had humiliated herself at Nathan's thirty-fifth birthday party. People had looked at her as she screamed. She was also seeing Anthony. He was everywhere she turned to. At the buffet table. Behind the people she spoke to. Beside her. He was everywhere doing nothing but smirking at her. Her illusion. A hallucination. Important people had been there. Owners of popular gossip blogs had been there. Had it not been for Joshua, it would have been worse. He had taken her inside where he tried to calm her down. Her mother had followed them and taken over from where he stopped. The next day, she was at Doctor Ben's doing the same thing again. Stronger doses were administered. The same talk but a different topic. It did help and she was glad she went there even though she hated it.

How easy it is for people to say they have a disease of the body but when it comes to that of the mind, everyone turns silent. Even the one who is going through it becomes quiet; can't talk about it or tell people about it because of fear of what they would think of them and fear of being stigmatised. When they end up telling people, people usually do not have anything to say or someone would just end up using it against them. It's easy for people to pray for a person having a disease of the body, but prayers do not come easy to a mental health patient. You have a mental disorder and you can't post that on any of your social media pages for the reason that many usually have nothing to say and in the process of someone trying to show they care and know about mental disorder, they end up saying something insensitive.

Parents can tell friends and family their ward has been admitted into the hospital because of a surgery or ailment but no one will tell anyone that a child has been admitted because of a mental disorder. After a visit to the doctor where you have been diagnosed with a disease, you come back to tell a trusted relative or friend even though it is difficult but you arrive from the psychiatrist or psychologist and can't tell anyone about it nor your diagnosis. Mental illness has always been a silent battle many have to fight alone. And she was one of them, fighting her battles alone with great support from her mother. Her siblings, father and immediate family won't still talk about it with her. Many people in her life still pretend she does not have a mental disorder. When she flips a bit, many of her family members are already taking a step back, ready to flee if the need arises. It's sad and thinking about it drowns her into a chasm of desolation.

At the door, after ringing the bell, Lola contemplated turning back or staying. She could have just called off the whole thing over the phone. There was no need to drive down to meet him. What if this does not turn out well? What if..... she sucked in air. A memory raced in her head which she halted breathing to. Why did she have to get into this with him in the first place? Because her freedom matters. What happened to Eva was something that could send her to jail. She would rather go to jail, get what she deserves than be stuck with Anthony. Well, that's not completely true. But at the moment, she would give up anything and do everything to be away from him.

"There you are." His voice froze her to place. She had not noticed the door open. "You arrived earlier than I expected." The curve of his lips was so wide that his smile creeped her. What is he up to this time around? He tried to embrace her but she was quick to reject his arms. Those bushy brows rose then dropped as he shrugged off her attitude. "Come in. I am cooking something you will love." His smile did not still shake.

"I am not hungry and I am not here to stay." She followed him inside.

"Then what are you here for? Let me guess?" He chipped in before she could speak. "You want to end things with me?"

"Quite smart." She smirked, trying to put on a bold face even though she was anything but bold at that moment. Anthony had a way of diminishing her confidence into nothing.

"Lola." Her name came from his lips breathlessly. His quiet laugh was a low reverberation in his chest as he took a seat on the L-shaped sofa set then crossed his legs as he relaxed. "Are you sure this is what you want, Lola? Prison is not what you imagine it to be. It can be worse. I have been there." His eyes grew from amused to hard and the malice he had for her took dwelling in them.

"I don't care! I do not give a damn anymore. If giving up my freedom is the way I can be free from you, I would do it over and over again." Tears nipped her eyes. "How could I have been so stupid? How could I have fallen for your blackmail? You just have a theory you can't prove."

Delight was written over his face that showed he does not care about anything that has to do with her. His was for her to rot in hell and live a life worse than the one he had in prison. Life there was hard. He was bullied and abused. Every day, he slept with fear and woke up with it. The prison food was the same and tasteless. He had no one to talk to. Loneliness was his companion. Inmates were ready to pick a fight with him because he was weak. It was all Lola's fault to begin with. She has to pay for every drop of blood that left his body when he was beaten. Every sweat and tears he shed. He will ensure she knows no joy for the rest of her life. He will ruin that fairy tale life of hers and snatch everything she has. That was an oath he took years ago.

"You did that for me. You confirmed that my theory was right. The truth was written all over your face. It was also in the way you spoke."

"It's still a theory. I will not confess to something that's a lie." Lola wiped away angry tears. His presence reminds her of a lot. That night and the many nights that followed it. The way her life had changed radically and how she's still trying to find balance in a life he crumbled. His presence only fuelled her anger. She just wanted to kill him, strangle the life out of him, only then would she have peace and finally rest. It minces her to still have something to do with him, still have him lay those filthy hands that should be chopped off on her. How did she get herself into such situation?

He grew quiet, his eyes fixed on her stubborn stance. "Remember how we met, Lola?"

"What does that have to do with this?" Lola grinded out. She still hates that day. She wished that day never happened. She might have not seen him had she chosen to stay at home. But everyone was in the mood for something crazy. They wanted to race on dangerous roads.

"You are as beautiful as you were that day. Your driving skill is still as perfect as it was. Where's that ride by the way? Did you sell it?"

"I am not here to reminisce. I still curse the day I met you." The acidity of her voice could burn him.

"So much hate for me. You used to love me." His eyes held her fiery earthy pair. "You still do. I can feel it. It is hidden somewhere in that frozen heart."

"You are so delusional, Tony."

He was quiet which was scary. "Sit down, babe."

Her fist closed at his phrase of endearment. "I am okay!"

"You will need to sit down because what I am about to show you might weaken you physically."

She frowned with confusion. "And that is?"

His hand disappeared behind him then produced a white envelope that he dropped on the centre table. "Take. Enjoy its content while I check the chicken."

"I am not taking that."

"I will advise you to do so because sweetheart, it is about your husband." He wore a pleased smile as he left for the kitchen.

Curiosity had her checking it and it was one of the biggest mistake of her life. She should have just walked away and waited for fate to do its thing. The folder contained photos of Joshua contents she understood, secrets she knew about. Ones he still thinks are unknown to her when she had known all these while. All those journeys he embarks on and those times he came home injured, she knew why. But what increased her heart rate, caused her to sweat and shook her to the core of her being was the actuality that Joshua had a son, a seven years old son.

-----

Tribalism plays a more damaging role in our society than many of us choose to admit. We don't talk about it and the fight against it is so poor. Osasere had met friends who told her they have read about it but have they in one way or the other, communicate its damaging effect and how to combat it with other people? No.

As a child, she was made to believe Hausas are dirty and a bunch of illiterates who are extremist in religion and tribe. Yorubas are loud, unpleasant and loose set of people. Igbos are ritualist who can do anything for money. Ebiras and Igalas are cold hearted and very wicked people. Bayelsa men are drunkards. Calabar women are known just for two things, to be house helps and prostitutes. And the list goes on. Over the years, as she became older and began to stay away from home, she met different people from different tribes and religions, interacted with them and for a very long time, the bigotry her parents and many around her had whispered to her had always lurked somewhere in her heart, making her look at people from other tribes lesser than they were. Until a time came when she began to see the absurdity in everything. These people, despite the difference in tribes, had related well with her and vice versa. Their tribal differences had not affected their relationship. Instead they loved one another, stood by one another in their time of need and had many of her best memories with them. They had been good and nice. She would be sincere, not everyone was good and it's okay because we are humans. We have the good and the bad. So also in tribes, religions and races. She had also being a victim of tribalism and she believes everyone has. Someone will always make a negative remark about your tribe, a remark you will never be pleased about and in return, you have done the same.

Meeting a bad person from a certain place can actually cloud our judgement about its people hence, closing our minds to good attributes someone else from that tribe would portray to us. Parents tell their children the tribes they could and should not marry from, the people they should friend and stay away from. Some had told their children they could marry from their tribe but they had mentioned the states they can't marry from. She once had a conversation with a friend, Kofo. Kofo was a Yoruba lady who had met a Christian Ijaw man during a conference in Lagos. He had told Kofo he can't date her nor can he marry her because Yoruba women are too hard and strong headed. Kofo had laughed and told him he needed to change his philosophy and open his mind and eyes to see beyond what he had been told. Osasere could not blame him. That opinion might have come from what he had been told or maybe his past experience.

When there is crisis in a certain area dominated by a certain tribe, the lesser tribe would always be blamed for it. She does not even want to dwell into tribalism in Nigeria's politics. That's another terrible thing. Osasere realised as she grew older and became more enlightened that when relating with people, she does not care about their tribe, religion, colour, race or country. She had been a tribalist and the moment she realised how bad that was and how it was doing little to no help to anyone, she stopped being one, stopped making tribalist comments and worked on accepting people irrespective of where they are from and who they are.

Osasere looked at the wall clock. Excitement bubbled inside her. It was the kind that wanted her to jump on her feet and dance, wanted her to scream and fly if that was possible. It's happening. Something that had been a dream, almost impossible, is finally coming to pass. It felt so real yet fear had managed to creep into the bubbling universe within her. Doubts had her pausing sometimes and wondering what she would do if things do not go as planned. Jafar's taking her to see his mother. Her heart jumped in her chest. What would the woman think of her? What's Jafar trying to prove by taking them to his mother?

Her mother's eyes were on her, analysing and drilling a hole in her body. Osasere saw the menace in them, the disappointment she hated so much and an unspoken warning. Her mother had a lot to say but since their last argument. Her mother had a lot of imperfection to point out from the Hausa tribe. She has said so many mean and close minded things that ticked Osasere off. Her disappointment in her mother had given rise to anger which pushed Osasere to threaten to leave the house if her mother tries to make life unbearable for her. The older lady had not uttered a negative word about her daughter's relationship with a man she does not approve of.

There were times Mama mutter words that were meant to guilt trip Osasere and sometimes, she succeeded. But Osasere knew better than to show it. She's not doing anything wrong so there's nothing to feel guilty about. A phone started to ring, snapping everyone's eyes to the direction of the noise except that of Esosa who had her eyes fixed on the big screen where her favourite cartoon played. Osasere took a quick look at her daughter, unexplainable emotions filled her heart, spreading through her being. She looked back at the ringing phone then at her mother, whose curious eyes were on her. It was Jafar, a name that had managed to bring a smile to her face and caused a flip in her chest. Blush crept to her cheeks. She picked the phone then headed to another part of the house that will give her enough privacy.

Few days ago, he had been at her office after days of not hearing from him. No message or phone call. His house was locked and the security man downstairs had said Jafar had not been home for days. For days? Where did he go to? His absence worried her, left her yearning and scared. Had something happened to him? She might have gone to his parents' house if she knew the address. His manager at work said the boss had not told anyone about his departure and he had not been at work for days too. What could be the problem? Sleep was deprived at night and her heart was filled with worry she could not show but she did share it with Lola. Then days later, he walked into her office. Furious was an understatement to explain how she felt. Her anger was at the brink of slipping past its shackles but that one glance at his slumped body and swollen eyes held it back. Something was wrong. Dark rings colours his eyes and the bags beneath were swollen.

"We need to talk." His hoarse voice was so heavy. Dread permeated her.

"Where have you been?" Even though those words came out calm, her eyes spat fire that could blaze him.

"I travelled." His calmness only intensified her annoyance. "Sorry for not informing you."

His countenance was not welcoming. Weariness oozed from him and the situation had prevented her from giving him the warm hug she had always welcomed him with. Their eyes met and her worry deepened despite her emotions. Unspoken words laden his eyes that were heavy like he had not gotten a good night rest.

"You good?" She asked. He grabbed her hands and encased them in his. Hers lacked the warmth they always had, fingers limp and not entwining with his as they would on any other day.

Jafar's throat tightened, so hard, the movement of his Adam apple was vigorous. "Let's sit." He tugged at her hand but she did not move.

"You are scaring me." She blurted out. "You can't just leave for days and come back like nothing happened. I was worried. Now, you are here and acting strange. Did something happen to you?" His lips curved for the first time into a real smile. "I am being serious here!"

"I told Amma about us."

Osasere's heart seized beating. The flow of blood stopped. She moved fast to the sofa when her legs felt like they can't hold her body anymore.

"And she also does not approve of us. Right?" He lowered his eyes. She got her answer. "What now?"

"There's someone they want me to marry. Qawiyyah." And in that instant, he dropped a bomb that blew everything she believed and hoped for away. Shock stilled her in the chair and shivers coursed through her spine. Why had she not seen that coming? Why had she not thought such thing could happen? She shot up in a way that had him hopping back then moved briskly to her table. Her lips stayed sealed as she returned to a work she could not concentrate on, leaving him in the middle of the room, staring at her. "I had to meet her once but she isn't what I want. She is not you. It was all a pretence, a pretence I do not want to take into marriage with her. I have been at Amma's place trying to think things through. Baba wants my opinion but I already know the answer he wants me to give. "

"Then go ahead!" She barked, hating herself for not keeping her sentiments at bay. "Marry her! Don't you think that will do both our families and also ourselves some good? It would save you and me from this mess. From swinging back and forth and going ahead with a hopeless relationship." Pain jarred her heart bringing tears to her eyes. She bled from the cleft of her crushing heart. A bleak future and thousands of dreams shattered. She tried not to flap her lashes to prevent those tears from falling. His presence was overpowering. It was the kind she could not ignore and concentrate on other things.

"I choose you, Osasere." He took precise and calculated steps to her table. Those words melted her resolve not to cry. Salty liquid soaked her eyes. "She can't make me happy neither can she complete me the way you do. I can't make her happy either. With you, I can be who I want to be because I know you will love me that way without criticising me."

"Leave, Jafar. Just leave." Emotional and physical strength drained from her. So it will come down to this? Letting him go. Does she want to? No. She just needs space and time to think. "Go, please." Her hands had stilled on the keyboards, tearful eyes gazing at nothing.

"I won't. I can't." He took a turn around the table to stand next to her.

"I am not going to beg you to stay because we knew what we were getting into before we started this. We knew the risk we were taking." She chocked on her words. "We were just hopeful but that hope I once felt is no longer there."

"Osasere." He was beside her, so close yet far away. She looked at him as he took her immobile hand. He had tears in his eyes. Why? Was he also scared of the known? "Don't speak that way. I love you." A tremble made his voice croaky.

"Love does not solve it all, Jay. It does not!" She cried, trying to take her hands from his grip.

"Stop it please." His voice was low, vulnerable as he pressed his forehead to hers. She stilled, sucking in her breath then released it. At the same time, tears flooded. "Just stop, please." He sniffled. She didn't want to cry but his nearness, his need for her that cannot be fulfilled, the uncertainties, destroyed every determination. As her body gave into her outburst, he locked his arms around her. Together, they cried.

Later, she rested into his body, her back to his chest, an arm around her and his free hand playing with her fingers. The silence was serene making her wish they could stay that way for long. "Come home with me." His soft tone filtered through the room. "Come and meet my mother."

She sat up to face him. "What are you trying to prove?"

"A lot. I can't let you go, Osasere." He took her hands and held them tight, a way to tell her how desperate he wanted her. His eyes declared the same need. "I want her to meet you and Esosa. I want a family with you. Me, you, Esosa and Umar. We can do this."

"And your father?" His heart pranced.

"Don't worry about him. They are my parents. I will know how to deal with them. Trust me on this. Hm?" And she trusted him like always.

Osasere closed the door behind her, allowing her exhilaration to rupture through her. "Hey, Babe" She chirped into the phone.

"We can't go to Amma's anymore." Was Jafar's immediate reply

Colour drained from her face. Elation sifted out of her. "Why? Did something go wrong?"

"We should not be doing this."

She flinched. "What?"

"I mean I need time. We need time. Don't you think we are acting too fast?"

"Have you gone mad?" She can't believe this? This cannot be happening. What's the meaning of all this nonsense?

"I am so sorry but I need time to think things through."

"You have to be joking. Think things through? What do you mean?"

"Please give me time. My hands are tied."

She took a deep breath to calm her raging emotions. Hurt seared her. The feeling of abandonment engulfed her in a blanket of anguish. Once again, she felt foolish for trusting and loving. For believing. "Coward!" She told him and ended the call.

-----

This was her mistake born out of her own foolishness. She should never have visited Anthony in his house. A public place would have been good. Had this happened there, nobody would blame her. Many witnesses would be present. Now, here he laid, red viscous liquid discharging from his wide eyes, gaping mouth and ears, his cries strangled and marred with pain. How will she get away with this? Someone might have seen her going into his house and leaving. Who will believe she had nothing to do with it? Dread lanced Lola. Her body, rooted on the same spot, quavered.

Her mother needs to be informed. She would find a solution. She had to save her. Her mother had always done that. Relating with Anthony again had cost her a lot. As she spun around to get her phone from her bag that was on the chair across the room, the front door came back with force, ending up on the floor. The windows shattered into broken pieces just the way her life felt at that moment. Her heart soared out of her chest. Shaky knees gave way beneath her sending her body to the ground. Moisture spilled from her closed eyes. Now, she was done for. Someone had caught her. There was no escape from this. There was stillness that threatened doom. She might never recover from this. If the only sanity she got left does not slip away and her life goes back to normal, then she would be lucky.

Then came that voice that had her looking up with enlarged eyes, confirming her past fears, prompting her to rise to her knees. "Orekelewa?" It said.

Hey lovelies! How are you? I know I have been off for like almost two months. Reason being that I have been sick. Constantly sick. Malaria then typhoid then cold and catarrh and typhoid again. Still recovering but I had to write because I knew I got readers waiting for an update.

Aside from that, I have also being off social media including wattpad for both my physical and mental health. Yep, I said mental health but not because of depression or any mental disorder. I was at that point in life where I just wanted to be alone and those I want to talk and relate with are my family members. No friends! I have refused to pick people's phone call. Lol. As someone with so much to accomplish, it was hard for me to see people of my age excelling at things I want to excel at, do things I want to do. There are times I feel like I am not doing something right but then,  I would also be like it's their time. My time will come. It's really okay to feel that way. It's just part of life and being human.

So, Joshua has a son? Hmmm. Who suspected? That was the part I enjoyed writing the most in this chapter. I danced when I wrote that scene.

I hope you like the chapter? Please do not forget to vote, comment, share and follow.

Lots of love

From Queen.