I am a survivor of those late nights when I soaked my pillows, of moments when I felt myself breaking apart, those times I lost hope in everything I believe in, felt worthless and not worthy of what I have. 

I am a survivor of immense pain that devoured every mote of glee within me leaving behind skeletons of sorrow and desolation, of the damages left behind by someone's sharp tongue, slaughtering opinions and spiteful voice. 

I have risen from the abyss of obscurity into a translucent domain of clarity. I am a survivor and with every hitch life throws at me, I evolve STRONGER.

A decade since her death, yet each time he thought about her, his contentment is feasted upon by scavenging pain, ripping every single jot of comfort, peace and happiness from him, leaving simply carcasses of guilt and anguish. Toni was twelve and he was thirteen when Toni and her family moved in next door. The house they lived in was an aged story building with twenty eight apartments. The walls were worn out, painting fading with uneven cracks that was an indication of the building's weakness. The neighbours who lived on the top floor complained about leaking roof during rainy season and everyone complained of the lack of ventilation during dry season.

Each apartment contained a single room, a bathroom and kitchen and they all had tiny windows that barely ventilate the house. His mother could not cook in the miniature kitchen. She took out the kerosene stove to the corridor to cook just like most neighbours did. Different families, most husbands, wives and children could barely afford a three square meal. Those bland stews and soups with no meat or fish could still be tasted on his tongue. The concoction rice his mother made is still a repelling image engraved his memory. The men were mostly danfo drivers, okada riders, or minimal labourers and the women were hawkers or seasonal small traders. Joshua's mother used to hawk food for a living. His father was a danfo driver who scarcely spend time with his family for he worked every day.

They lived in a community where the use of hard drugs and alcohol were widespread. Gang fights were nothing new. The sudden outbreak of a fight or someone dying from the slash of a cutlass or stab of a broken bottle was a normal thing. Parents do not even care about the lives their children lived or what their children did but his mother did. Yet, he lived a life of his own choosing. The youths were thieves and they did dangerous and illegal jobs for a living.

On Toni's first day at the community grammar school, her mother had requested Joshua to walk her to school since he goes to the same school. It became a regular thing. They arrived from school together. Assignments were not taken serious. They did not even have notes for most subjects. In a class where there were over hundred students, no teacher cared whether the students have notes or do assignments. There were barely enough seats in class for the students. They either sat on the windows or brought chairs from home.

Growing up with poor parents, they were forced to pick people's purses and items at the busy bus stop. People, packed together, strolled through the bus-stop daily. They snuck in between them and picked whatever their hands could reach. It was a talent they were skilled at. After stealing, they sorted out the purses, bags, wallets and valuable items then sold them for money they could never explain how they spent. No one suspected children of their age. It was fun and an act they did for a very long time until they got tired of it. Well, he did not. Toni did.

Joshua worked for a man called Chairman. Chairman ruled Isale Eko then. He was feared by all and worked for rich men and politicians who owned illegal businesses. He carried out their dirty jobs. Chairman was a drug dealer, sold hard drugs to the community, an assassin and the bad guy no one wants to cross. Any kind of hard drug could be gotten from him. Joshua was sure he was making a lot from his illegal works. As a young boy, he looked up to Chairman. He chose to work for him because he hoped to be like him one day, have people bow at his feet, sit on a throne and have people carry out his dirty jobs. Toni was against it yet, he went ahead with his decision. He knew he would get to places, earn a lot of money and learn the illicit skill from Chairman and one day, rule Isale Eko. In his early teenage years, he delivered drugs for Chairman because he was smart. No one could cheat him. He was an outspoken child and was good at calculations. Toni used to escort him until she said she can't again. He remembered how she tried to talk him out of such a life but he never listened. He wanted a good life where he could afford anything without looking at its price and he was going to have that life no matter what it takes.

As he grew older, he began to do other jobs for Chairman just to get on his good side. He was fourteen when he took someone's life for the first time. He had not flinched as he pulled the trigger. Now, he wonder what had gotten into him to do such an act at such a young age. Should he call it determination? He was sure there was something that gave him the heart to do so. Chairman had told him that his job was not for the faint hearts. He has to be strong, cold hearted to be able to reach where he was. He might have gotten the courage from those words. He had it in mind that he would lead his mates and those older than him. He would rise above them all, have a stand and create a name for himself. But what does a child who grew up in the ghetto know about the legal way to do so? That drove him and kept him going. With time, he rose above his mates. Many feared him for he was smart, had a short temper, knew how to use his fists when fighting and was good with bottles and knives. He led them and most obeyed him.

He was Toni's protector while growing up. They grew up in a neighbourhood where females, young and old, traded their body for money. Aside from that, at the early age of ten, twelve, girls were cat-called and flirted with. Most men hit their bottoms and touched their growing breasts like they have the right to. Toni developed quickly. Her physical features sprouted earlier than most girls of her age which made her a victim of such act. He stood up for her, fought men who acted in such way with her even though some left him very injured. Most times, those fights were bloody.

Toni used to hawk agbo (traditional medicine) and cigarettes for her mother. There were days he goes with her for reasons he does not know. He just wanted to be with her, hear her speak and watch her as she does her thing. There was a day they had hawked agbo, a boy few years older than him teased her by slapping her backside and pressing her breasts while she sold agbo. He can't tell why but he had lost the only thread of sanity left, began to trade insults with the older boy and before anyone could blink an eye, he had broken a bottle and stabbed the boy. They ran away on Toni's orders even though he had not wanted to. There was no big deal in stabbing someone. He had killed. Stabbing was nothing.

His parents' found out and his mother had made a big deal out of it. She hit him, crying and scolding him. His father's eyes had always held disappointment. He gave up on him when he knew he would never change. Those eyes still haunt him because he never got the chance to make them watch him with pride. Her shout had attracted their neighbours. Most had watched what was going on. Some interfered. He was angry because most people saw his mother beating him. He had a stand in the community. He remembered shouting at her before walking out with his shirt thrown over his shoulder. Her screams, cries and words fell into deaf ears as he glided down the stairs to his usual joint. Her worry for him had been hate to him. No mother who loves her child will embarrass him in front of everyone. He had, many times, doubted if she was really his mother. He had nearly spent the night in the cell that day but Chairman saved him. The man had not scolded him instead he praised him and told him it was good to have his girl's back.

"She is not my girl." He had grumbled out.

Chairman had laughed and said. "Not now but very soon." He patted his back.

When he got into fights that left him with bruises and wounds, Toni took care of his injuries amidst insults only she could spew at him. He had a reputation among girls of his age including those who were a couple of years older than him. They liked him. He used them for physical pleasure and dumped them but they knew there was a limit to everything. They cannot raise their voices against him but Toni could. She harboured no fear for him. Only she could get away with anything she does to him. Had she feared him, he would never have liked it.

Everyone knew them in the community. When they are looking for one, they asked the other. They had dreams. He was not sure if he did but she had dreams to leave the ghetto and make a good life. He knew he just wanted to count money in every currency, legally or illegally. Anyone was fine by him. She wanted to be a pianist. She was good with the piano. She played well. He had seen her once or twice playing at the church on a Sunday his mother had forced him to attend church service, hoping that one day, she will have her own recital where people from far and near would come to listen to her play. He had laughed it off because it felt impossible at that time. The life they had did not give them a chance to dream that way. If anyone from the ghetto wanted to make money, it had to be the illicit way.

There used to be cocaine joint. It still exists. There was a building which was meant to be a story building but after the down floor was constructed, the construction of the building was put to halt. They used to sit there with their peer group, making noise and disturbing passers-by until late at night. They got each other's back in their time of need. They had one another's shoulder to cry on. She knew his weakness and had seen him in his lowest point when he cries. She understood him. She was there to calm him down and shout at him whenever he fought with his mother or any member of his family or did anything stupid. She had an idea of every bad thing he did. Stealing. Fighting. Building his own gang. His use of hard drugs. Yet, she stayed with him. She friended him without judging him or questioning his character but she tried to talk him out of everything. He knew her weakness too, had seen her in her saddest moments. Her mother was in an abusive marriage with an alcoholic father. Her scars from her father's merciless beatings were never hidden from him.

He never wanted it. Those thoughts that makes him wilding, that lit the embers of passion in his veins. He never noticed just how round her ass was or how nice her figure was against his during those friendly hugs until a friend pointed it out. Her scent imprints images, once forbidden in his head, of him fondling her. He remembered staring at her with amusement, his heart sang a different tune for the first time. There was something about her that change the rhythm, pulled the strings in a different way. Maybe the way she laughed or something she said. There might have been more to it. There was nothing striking or extraordinary about her face. In fact, her face was flecked with acne no remedy cleared. He was drawn to that plain and witty face. Though she was conscious of her physical endowment but he like them just the way they were. She got him in a way none of his numerous playthings had.

Her touch transmitted an electric impulse more than any power could give. Soon, he found himself stuttering when talking to her, a thing he had never done around girls before. During the night, he craved her warmth like a duvet. Such feelings had never been evoked by any girl. It was a symbiotic sexual relationship that they knew better than to become clingy. His possessiveness over her grew. It gladdened him that her boyfriend had ended his relationship with her for someone else. It was a chance for him, a chance to show her how much he cared, how he would always be there for her. She had him to cry to. If he had acted on his anger then, Emma would have ended up with a bashed face. Still, he was scared to show too much that will make him appear vulnerable. But then, he realised with her he was always vulnerable. He thought he hid his feelings for her so well until chairman pointed it out at a gathering in his home. He hated that feeling that got him thinking about her everytime, laughing at things she had said and smiling at the mere reflection of her face in his head. It made him wonder if Toni sensed it. Her glow that makes him burn. The strong urges to bite her lips. Those lips, so luscious he could suck them dry. Does she feel the same way?

With her, he was ready to tumble, take that fall through the rough road that leads to her even though he would be left wounded. He would heal for she was his doctor. He took that fall the day he kissed her on New Year's Eve after throttling every resistance that left him in urgent need of her.

"You kiss better than other boys." She said, her face flushed. Other boys? He was stunned by her words. Oh! Those boys she had snuck into corners with to do God knows what. She had just ended her relationship with one of them who was insecure because she was close to him. The guy, Emma, could not confront him. He knew the repercussion of that. "I have always wondered what it will be like to kiss you. It's great." And she got up, left him daze then angry. What? He had put his entire emotion in that kiss and all she felt was platonic.

She came knocking on his door the next day after a night of getting drunk and high on drugs from anger that his feelings were not reciprocated. He was a laughing stock amidst chairman and his friends still chairman told him to be patient and allow everything to fall into place. He had gotten into a bloody fight that left him injured and his opponent nearly dead but the physical agony he felt was nothing compared to the wrench in his chest. The pain was almost strangling, squeezing the life out of him. And he was angry at himself for falling so hard for her. He should have halted his feelings from growing. Had he not fallen deeply, he won't be hurt.

She said in concentrated pidgin while opening the curtains to the little apartment chairman gave him in his boys' quarters. "So, this is where you are? Why did you not come to school? I asked your friends about you this morning but they had no idea where you were."

"What do you want?" He grumbled out, turning away to face the wall as he winced at the injury on his back.

She scrutinized him, brows went up as high as they could before her eyes narrowed at him. "You fought again? Who did you fight this time around?"

"How is that your concern, Toni? Let me be! I want to sleep!" He snapped.

"Get up!" She snapped back. "I am here to clean your injury. When you are ready to talk, I will be waiting! Get up!"

"I am alright!"

"Chairman told me you are injured. Get up Joshua or I will force you up!"

Silence fell upon them as she cleaned his cut, dabbing the raw surface with antiseptic, her action hard and deliberate. He was so used to the sting that he no longer winced at it. The stillness stretched and his thoughts raged on. Her quietness about everything pissed him off. Did what really happen mean nothing to her?

"Did last night mean anything to you?" He found himself asking.

"No. It does not mean anything to me." She covered his injury with cotton wool. "I am sure it is the same for you."

"I am sorry for shouting at you." He apologised but she said nothing. "Last night meant something to me."

"Funny hearing it from a playboy like you." She snickered, moving away from his back.

"I am serious Toni." He caught her hand before she got up.

"I am also serious. Getting into a relationship with you will leave me broken. I am not taking that risk with you."

His throat closed for rejection felt foreign to him. Almost every girl he had been with threw herself at him. None were hard to convince or take to bed. Toni wanted to make things hard for him. Why does the one he feels genuinely towards have to be difficult?

He wanted her to look into his soul, see the sincerity in it. The chaos she caused in his mind. The thoughts that lay there. So he looked into her eyes and said. "I like you in a different kind of way. What I feel is intense and unfamiliar but I understand it." When she said nothing but stared at him, he knew he had gotten her the right way. "Toni." He gripped her hand, the air suddenly electric. She took the next step that threw them into the pool of ecstasy. They wallowed in an intimacy they never got back from.

They spent the rest of the day indoor. In a haze, she told him of her fears. He is the ladies' man and his reputation among them had not been so good. She fears she will have to compete with other women for him and his attention. His habit of excess use of hard drugs can be destructive. It would kill him slowly. These habit of his are one she tried not to hate even though she does not like them for they would make her dislike him. She had no idea that what she was requesting for was going to be hard for him to offer. Change was going to be hard to implement but he won't lose her for his reckless life.

She failed to believe him when he told her she was the only one who rules his heart. Those other girls meant and would never mean anything. He had to make a promise, swear on her for her to believe he would give up his reckless life. Smoking. Drinking. Girls. Killing. His bad work. Every bad thing except his relationship with chairman. He meant every word. He was would have kept his promise but the temptation was strong when he was out with his friends the following day that he gave in to it but he hid it from her and acted normal.

And so it continued. He showed her a different side of him, the changed him and he acted different when he was away. He knew he would hurt her when she finds her but these habits have become a part of him that he could not give them up. He was addicted to that way of life that it nearly destroyed him. He had no idea love could be the best feeling. They spent beautiful moments together. Those days they stayed in bed, never running out of what to say, the days he chased her through those narrow smelly streets, and the echo of her laughter. Every moment with her was memorable, moments he would remember for a life time. How he fell so hard, he never could tell. He stopped bringing his other girls home but met them somewhere else. Chairman had warned him against such deed. If he was serious with Toni then he needs to be sincere. The foundation of their relationship should not be distrust and insincerity because the end result would be damaging.

Chairman's words had been a bluff to him so he had not taken them to heart. Everything came crashing down when Toni found him pants down holding a girl to the wall in a compromising position at a corner. Toni would never have found out had a rival of his not told her. He never understood how she felt but he felt the guilt, so heavy in his chest it ate him deep. He told her he loved and she believed. He told her she was the air he breathes in and she told him she had more than enough to give him. Then he broke her trust for his needs. He knew he killed her emotionally for her eyes were dead when they looked at him. Every terrible thing she had predicted came true. He was going to break her and he did. It took him months for her to forgive him and for her he stopped being promiscuous.

Addiction could drive anyone crazy. It is destructive. Every effort made to forgo those bad deeds was futile. The urge was stronger and he was always restless without smoking a joint or spliff or sniffing cocaine. There was an unexplainable relief that came with him injecting, sniffing or swallowing these hard drugs. He lost drastic weight because he refused to eat. One day while he was at UNILAG, he stayed in door for days doing nothing but sleeping and taking hard drugs. Along with his mother, Toni found him few days later almost dead from an over dose. In his drowsy and almost unconscious state, his mother's teary face is an image he will never forget. Those sunken eyes that shed tears still haunt him. He had offended her, stressed her the way no child should yet she forgave all his imperfections. That was one of his weakest moment. Toni knew how flawed he was yet she accepted him because she believed he would change. There was still some good in him. She knew how hard he was trying to change and she was there to help him.

He remembered pushing her away because he felt he was hurting her. She does not deserve someone like him. He had no worth and his life . He was hurting her beyond amendment. He was breaking her. Why is she still with him? There are better men out there. She said she does not want better men. She wanted him. She knew he will change. She believed he will. Yet, he sent her away. He became so involved in his cult activities that he barely had time for himself. He wanted to forget her. Delete her memories from his life. Despite her absence, she had a very strong effect on him. One evening, he walked into his room, a self-contain he rented at UNILAG, to find her dead on his bed, her blood saturated the bed and her lifeless eyes stared at him.

Joshua opened his eyes. Darkness was all he could see. The same darkness he had been in. Those eyes plague his dreams. Ten years and he could still see them and the blood that dripped from her slit throat. Her death was a message, a message that broke him. She paid for his sins, sacrificed her life for him. He never had a chance to tell her how much he loved her, how sorry he was for everything.

There was no reason to why he never gave up his old habits for her, why he caused her so much pain and made her cry despite he claimed to love her. He loved her. He genuinely did from the depth of his heart. He meant every word of affection he proclaimed to her. She was the one. The one he wanted to spend the rest of his life with but his way of life ruined it all. It ended everything.

A couple of days after her death, he was arrested for the killing the guy from the rival cult who murdered Toni and many unspeakable offenses. He was sentenced to life imprisonment which became two years imprisonment. How he got out is another day's story. He still walks some streets of Isale Eko, revelling in the memories he had once shared with Toni, visiting places they had been, laughing at many things she had said, and weeping when the pain feasts him deep. He should have given up everything for her. She might have still been here with him.

And for Lola, he was taking the fall again, feeling emotions he had buried years ago. This time harder, stronger and painful for he was giving it to a woman who can't reciprocate his feelings. Nonetheless, he was ready to accept the little she offers. The mistakes he made when he was with Toni won't be repeated.

His mind was quiet. The silence within stretched on until it deafened him. Today's just one of those he is reminded of the pain buried deep inside him, of his demons, of the wild life he lived, the woman he loved and who he really was. The muted buzz of his phone caught his attention. He took the phone from his breast pocket. An unknown number surfaced on the screen.

"Joshua!" Loretta's voice shot deep into his ear. "It shall not be well for you, your family and all your generation! How could you do this to me?" And she ranted on about how the man he sent had nearly killed her. He should have just killed her but he knew there are better ways to instil fear into people without killing them. That's what that man had done.

He said nothing, his mouth hauled up a bit then he ended the call. There was a gathering he had to attend with his wife and his unpunctuality will displease her.

-----

Guilt was like ten thousand tons on Lola's chest. It devoured her, left her disturbed and was a reminder of an offence she committed. Remorse banged her throat like tack hammer nearly knocking air out of her. For how long will this continue? For how long will she have to keep lying and pretending? Joshua has been faithful and what has she been? An infidel, one of those things she hated the most.

Last two nights proved her the liar in their relationship. They had been at a barbeque night at Boye's place together with Joshua. It was an outing she had never wanted to go but Joshua had done all he could to convince her she will have a great time. She did have a great time until Naya, Dozie's fiancé, chose her to be the next victim of her razor sharp tongue. It had not ended well for Naya had not succeeded in bringing her down and making her feel so low about herself. It was something that has never happened to her. Whatever happened was an act instigated by jealousy. Many people she had met had been so jealous of the life she has not knowing it was anything but perfect.

Naya is filled with bitterness. She has no joy in her. She finds everything to be as dull as she is. There's always a fault in the food, drink, someone's dressing and virtually everything. Nothing seems perfect to her. Everyone is a prospective victim of her sharp tongue. Her man, Dozie, is her number one victim. She emotionally abuses him. Lola had left Naya angrier than she was and as red as blood after turning over the glass of wine on her head, deliberately and slowly. She had to leave the place before she does something disastrous because her anger the past few weeks has not been the best.

Joshua was at the back with the men when she found him. They had been talking about Loretta, Pelumi's cousin, who used to Joshua's ex-girlfriend. The revelation left Lola shocked. Joshua has never spoken about Loretta. He acted like he does not know her when they met her at that family get together that did not end well. There was no ounce of recognition when he looked at the woman. She might have told him Loretta was a client she once worked with and he had been so neutral about everything.

From the men's conversation she deduced that the lady had come back to rekindle things between Joshua and her but could not get her way. She chose to blackmail Joshua.

"Lola is still yet to know?" Bobby asked, dabbing the end of his joint in an ash tray. What do they not want her to know? She and Joshua got secrets they are yet to tell one another but what could be so big that Loretta has chosen to blackmail him with?

"No and she can't know."

"When will you tell her?" Bobby poured himself a glass of brandy from the almost empty bottle.

"Soon. Maybe. I will tell her one day." He replied, disturbed, uncertain as he rubbed the back of his neck before drowning the rest of his drink.

"So you did not fuck Loretta?" Boye asked, gazing at Joshua over the rim of his wine glass.

"No! What? Never! I have not since we broke up few years ago!" Joshua bellowed out.

"Despite she stripped for you?" Dozie questioned, his smile smug.

"Fuck you, man!" He lifted his two middle fingers. "She did not strip for me. She...What the heck! She tried to seduce me. I could not sleep with her."

"But you were moved. Tempted. Not after seeing all those assets. The babe carry load front and back."

"Yes! I was but I could not just do anything. Lola is there. I can't cheat on her. The mistake I made with Toni is something I do not want to repeat again." Toni? Who is Toni? "What I feel for Lola is genuine and I am not ready to lose her because of some goddamn temptation."

"Funny hearing that from you."

"I am changed. I might have been promiscuous but I have changed. I have been faithful." He placed a hand on his chest like he was pledging to something. "And I am glad to say that."

"Oshi!" Boye teased. "Hin dey act like better person!"

"I am. I am better than you. You should be voted in as the president of promiscuous men association."

Boye looked away from the men just to make eye contact with her. "Jesus Christ!" He hollered, spitting out the barbequed meat in his mouth.

"Hello gentlemen. I can see you are having a great time." She spoke, stretching her lips. Four pair of eyes stared at her. "Joshua, we really need to leave. It's getting late and I have a long day tomorrow. Please round up. I will be waiting in the car and I want to drive. So you are having the passenger's seat tonight. Goodbye everyone." She said and left.

In the car, that familiar feeling consumed her, the feeling that takes her down the old memory lane. It reminds of just how unforgiving what she was doing was. It is an act she won't forgive if it had been her someone was doing such to. A sudden headache set in. What is she going to do? How is she going to end things with Anthony without having to give up her freedom? Lola could not find it in her to get angry at Joshua for he did nothing wrong. She is the unfaithful one in their marriage. The one sleeping with her ex, a psychopath. That's what Anthony is. A very delusional person who is finding it hard to accept the fact that she is not and can never be his. Lola yelped out at the sharp pain in her head. She pulled out the hairpin, rubbing the sore spot.

Two strong hands slithered through her shoulders to encage her in a hug. She felt someone's head nestle in between her neck and shoulder and that well-known cologne filled her sense of smell. Scruff of hair rubbed against her smooth cheek. Nothing of such act flamed desire in her belly. She gazed at the woman in the mirror who stood as still as a statue, as cold as snow, so emotionless her eyes depicts what she feels.

"Can't you spend the night?" The rich baritone of a man's voice filled her eardrums.

"It was never in our agreement." She answered, using her fingers to comb her bob.

"We look so good together. So perfect. So beautiful." He hummed, nipping a part of her neck. The act was not arousing as he might have expected. She felt immune to his touch and her body itched to his caress. Had Joshua done that, her legs would have liquefied like butter beneath her.

Lola gazed at their reflection in the mirror. Her skin crept. They might have looked good together. She might have thought that way when they were together but now, they were anything but good or perfect or beautiful. The memories of them together was gloomy and troubling, memories she wants to get rid of. Their eyes met in the mirror and she felt her repulsion transform into bile in her throat. Bitter. What she felt was complete disgust.

"Stop being delusional. We aren't anything like that."

"We are." He held her firmer. "You need to stop denying." A hand caressed her arm.

She walked out of his hold. Anger was like a tiny fire ball in her stomach, one she had tried to hold in since she drove down to see him. If she does not step out for something that would cool it, it would grow into a big ball of flame that would consume a lot hence, causing a damage beyond repair. Lola snatched her bag, got into her sneakers then headed out.

"See you soon." Anthony's voice followed her as she banged the door shut.

Nina Simone drawled on from the phonograph, her voice soothing. It wades off every negative feeling she had before stepping into the studio. The feeling of anger was replaced with calmness and her guilt has faded away for the time being. Lola wondered how someone's voice would fill her with contentment. Since she had begun to listen to classical music, Nina Simone is one of her favourite. When there's a storm brewing inside her, Nina's voice was her medicine.

Lola picked the picture from the fixer with a thong to hang on the thin line running across a wall in the darkroom. Excitement grew inside her at the thought of how beautiful the end result of her work would be. Few days ago, she had a photo shoot with Joshua. It was a thing they could have done weeks ago but she kept postponing it due to her tight schedule. Joshua's good in front of the camera. The angles were perfect. His poses were artistic. She has taken most of the pictures with his tattoos evident because they are a piece of art, beautiful art she has fallen in love with. She made sure his scars showed. They define him. There's a story behind all of them. Every picture she took had a story to tell. She made it her responsibility to print out the pictures by herself in black and white. Something she does not do on a normal day.

Her work for the next couple of hours was monotonous. By the time she was done, it was raining, something she had not noticed. She had been on her way to her office when a call from Joshua came in. He was outside the studio.

Endless drops of water bathed earth in diagonal waves. Joshua was on the other side of the glass door, his blazer held over his head but it did little to protect him from the rain. "What are you doing here?" She questioned as she opened the door. Little gust of water sprayed on her. The wind was strong, dragging the door with her. With Joshua's help, she was able to lock the main door.

"I wanted to check on you." He removed the drenched blazer from his head. Water dripped on the floor where he stood. Lola's eyes trailed the length of his body to his feet where water pooled then back to his face. He gazed at her, His tensed shoulder relaxed as he breathes out. There was contentment at the sight of her. Only Joshua knew what kind of tune his heart sang. "I missed you." He husked out, sure to hold her brown eyes as he pecked her lips. "How are you?" There was a small smile on his face.

"Good. You are drenched and you will sodden the floor." She turned on her heels. He followed her. "You can use my bathroom. There is a towel in it and a space to spread your blazer and shirt. What are you doing here by the way?" She twirled around when she got to the landing. He paused too, just a step away from her.

She watched his lips break into a smile that flustered her heart. Such an appealing face to look. She thought. "I am here to see you." He stepped closer. "Were you busy?"

"Kind of." She tucked the left side of her bob behind her ear. "I was working." His eyes lingered on her face. Bob makes her look chic. It give her a different look in a sophisticated way. He likes it on her. For weeks now, it has been her hairstyle. Unknowingly, his hand reached for a curl of her hair. He twirled it with fondness around a finger.

"You listen to Nina Simone?" His voice was tender.

"Yes." She pushed his hand away. Her chest heaved as she exhaled.

"I do not see you as the kind to listen to classical music." He was at her heels again.

"I listen to them when I want to clear my mind. Your pictures should be ready by tomorrow." She led him to her office. Thunder clapped in the sky.

"I expect an excellent job from you."

She chuckled. "You speak like you are paying me for it."

"You should be paying me for it. I was your model. Remember?"

"We never spoke about payment. It was a thing done out of humanity."

"Humanity? I remember clearly stating you will be paying me." He joked.

"Joshua." His name came out amidst tiny giggles. "You can do this for free. I am your wife." She folded her hands on her chest. The way she said "my wife" sounded so appealing to his ears. It was almost foreign hearing it from her. His heart blossomed. She has never really admitted she was his wife, perhaps a few times. Under the luminous light of the room, she noticed the new bruises on his face. Her eyes lingered on them longer than normal. She raised a hand to his face, brushing the pad of her fingers over it. He winced. Her fingers retracted. "You are hurt again?" She met his eyes, this time with a questioning stare.

"It is nothing." He took her hand lifted it to his lips. Bit by bit, he planted tender kisses on her finger tips, a hand pulling her closer by her waist. Her body became suddenly away of the male nearness.

"When will you tell me the truth behind these injuries you come home with sometimes?" Her voice was as soft as the breeze, a caress that rose goose bumps on his skin.

"Very soon, Orekelewa."

"You are going to wet my clothes." Lola swirled away, snatched her laptop from the centre table then sat down with her legs crossed on the table. "There's a towel in the bathroom. Why don't you dry yourself up?" She said without looking up from her laptop.

It was a dismissal, Joshua noticed. It might be a way to put an end to the sudden change of energy in the air. She felt good to hold. Soft feminine body, just what he had craved for all day. Had work not been hectic, he would have said she occupied most of his thoughts. Joshua did as he was told. She was engrossed in work when he came out in his trousers, shirt discarded and spread to dry. He looked out through the ceiling to floor window, watching the long thread of water immersing the street. Only few cars passed by, the occasional honk echoing through the night was muffled by the resonance of rain. He shifted his eyes to the clock. It was almost twelve midnight.

The picture of Lola skydiving caught his attention. She is an adventurer. Those albums of places she had been to were concrete proof. He had sat with them and checked each of them, amused, smiling and laughing hoping he would be able to tell her to narrate him her adventure stories. She still does not have an idea he did such. Her collection of music at a corner spiked his interest. They were records of different musicians, most classical. He had not really paid attention the last time he entered her office because Lolu had been there. He headed to it, browsed through until he saw one that suits the atmosphere.

"What's the craziest thing you have ever done?" He asked, initiating a conversation.

"Hmmm?" She hummed absentmindedly.

"What's the craziest thing you have ever done?" He repeated, stopping the current music to change it.

The change in tune caused her to look up at his penetrating eyes, "Chopin?" He bobbed his head his agreement. "Why are you asking me about the craziest thing I have ever done."

"Lola." He groaned out, his tone deeper. "Do not spoil the fun."

"Alright." She laughed.

The craziest thing she has ever done was crash a wedding. Amy's father was getting married to a woman older than his ex-wife. He ended their marriage because Amy's mother was not as exciting as she used to be. She was not charismatic and does not have the same vision as him. They had different dreams. Those were his lame excuses after twenty five years of marriage. So he had been having an illicit affair with an older woman he met at some charity event. Amy was having a bad day over it on her father's wedding day and they thought crashing the wedding would make her feel better. They ended up sleeping in the cell that night for Amy's father's new wife could not just let it go. She told him few other crazy things she had done like play a prank on someone, bungee jumping which scared her soul out of her body despite she has skydived and many funny things. They laughed so hard. He told her crazy things he had done like jumping from a building while trying to save his life from a gang that was after him.

"Which one's your first tattoo?" She enquired, her eyes set on his bare chest, a finger trailing the dark pattern.

"This." He pointed at the chain imprint around his left arm.

He was sixteen when he got it. Chairman had wanted another tattoo to the one he had. Joshua had always admired the art on the man's body. He had always wanted one. The man gave him a go ahead on a day he never expected it. Chairman told him to have a simple design because it can be excruciating. It was painful but he liked it which made him have more. One after another, the black imprints began to form something beautiful. His mother had nearly fainted from shock when she saw his tattoo. She told him he was going to regret ever piercing his skin. He has ruined his body and nothing he would do will make it what it had been. He had not believed her words and he was glad he did not listen because he does not regret ever having tattoos.

As their conversation progressed, they grew comfortable around one another. It felt easy to laugh at something either of them said. They ended up realising they liked a certain kind of song together. The weather made the atmosphere cosier. Just the two of them in a building, rain cascading against the roof, and Chopin played at the background. Joshua increased the volume of the phonograph. Smiling, he held out a hand to her.

"What?" She questioned, her eyes moving from his outstretched hand to his face.

"You know what I want to do. Dance with me." He got hold of her hand then drew her up, resting a hand on her waist.

"This is actually the least of what I want to do at the moment." She said as they began to sway to the music.

"Then do this for fun."

"Dancing with you is no fun."

"How about you give it a trail." He led and she followed.

She had danced with a lot of men, more than she could count. She had been wild with them at clubs. She had danced at events with quite a number of the male species but this was the first time it is just her with a man who gave her tingles down her spine to legs, her body gently pressed to his. She has never felt the way she did at that moment. Her body was very much aware of his closeness, her nostrils caught the whiff of his cheap cologne mixed with wetness. The music drew them into a different world of theirs. It felt almost like they were the only one existing.

Joshua looked down at her. A stray strand of her hair fell softly against the side of her face. He curled it around a rough finger. "I want to say something and I hope you won't hold anything against me for it." Joshua stated, his low voice raspy.

"What's that?" She followed his slow steps, loathing that he made her sweat and caused her heart to hammer.

"I....I....I."

"Go on." She encouraged with a smile.

"I want to be a part of your IED experience if that's how to put it." Her hand stiffened in his, a mirror of her hardened face. He knew he was stepping on broken bottles but maybe he might end up yielding a good result at the end irrespective of how much he would bleed. "I want to be a part of it. You had to battle with it nearly all your life with maybe few people to tell about it. I actually want to support you through it as long as I can. Whatever happened the other day does not change anything. It does not make me feel different about you."

She was as rigid as a bridge, lacking emotions as they danced on. "Shouldn't you be distancing yourself from me? It is what most people do when they find out who I really am. I could have killed you the other day." Her brown eyes were set on his eyes as she spoke with a brusque tone.

"But I do not want to distance myself from you. I want to be closer to you than I have ever been. I am not sacred of you, Orekelewa. It is not your fault that you have to deal with a disorder. What happens is not even in your power."

She shook her head as if dismissing a thought. "Why are we even having this conversation?"

"Because I want you to know I care. Nothing change how I feel about you."

"How you feel about me?"

"Yes. You know how I feel."

"I don't. You have never told me."

Now, is she playing to be ignorant? He chose not to answer her. "I want to be able to remind you about your medications without us feeling awkward about it. You don't have to hide your pills from me. I want to be able to ask you how your doctor appointment went, calm you down if I can. I just want to be there for you."

"What you are asking for is too much?"

How does he tell her he want to see her by his side whenever he looks? How does he tell her that he cried and his heart bled when he watched her the other day lose herself to her anger? He has no word to express his need to be her ray of sun at the break of dawn. There's no way to tell her he wishes time stops forever when he's together with her, that he does not that moment to pass. She is always somewhere in that chaotic mind. "It is too much because it is how you feel. I might have said this before but showing how you feel does not make you vulnerable. It is not weakness, darling."

"You do not understand." Her hand fell from his and she stepped back. He held on his breath. She was pushing him away. It's what she does each time she lost control of a situation. When she knows whatever she does won't make him back down.

"Then make me understand." He pled, his eyes expressed words he could not say. So much feeling he abhorred for her, emotions so deep she could drown in them.

"You can't. How can I forget? You are crazy."

"I am crazy about you."

"You have gone mad."

"I am mad about you."

"Do you have to always have an answer to everything?" She laughed. He did the same. Their laughter withered into silence. Lola rubbed her hands together. Not sure of what to do, she turned her back against him. "Joshua."

Her insecurities, her fears set in. She want to have a normal relationship without doubts and anxieties. She want to be able to reciprocate how she feels without restrictions or worry that the receiver of her feelings could be deceitful.

He came behind, shrouding his hands around her stiff form. "I won't promise to be perfect." He whispered, his head cushioned in between her neck and tensed shoulder. "I can't promise to give you the world but I can be different."

"You are offering so much, Josh." She spun in his arms. "I might never be able to give you half of it."

He kissed her gently. "I will manage that." His lips curved. "Relax." He rubbed her taut shoulders. "Give me a chance, Please."

-----

The heat of the sun roasted her skin. Sweat trickled down her back, creating a wet patch on her tank top. Lola was grateful she had gone for a tank top and shorts but was reprimanding herself for putting on a five hundred dollar sandals when she saw the muddy path that leads into the market. But then, the cheapest of her shoes were a little over hundred dollar and those are flip-flops. The breeze was hot, doing nothing to cool down her hot skin. The ground boiled, heat penetrating through the sole of her sandals. Perspiration smeared the surface of her forehead, nose-bridge, above her lips and travel down her face to her neck until she was wet. Yet, no one cared. They all moved about with no care of the sun burning their skin. Lola balked, realising she did not rub any sunscreen. But how would she know the sun was raging when she has not been out all day. Now, she would return home with sunburn. She should have taken a hat. The sun reminded her of her days in the desert, riding with friends and enjoying a long vacation in countries like morocco, Abu Dhabi, Sahara desert to mention amongst few. She still have pictures of the dunes, an endless sea of golden grains of sand.

This madness was Joshua's idea. Lola thought as she shut the car door. What is she doing with Joshua in a local market? Shopping at Shoprite would have been better. The supermarket is more hygienic, less populated than the local market they are in. Bodies swamp the various paths leading in and out of the market. 'The worse was no one was concerned about how unhygienic everywhere and everything including food items were. They continued buying and selling irrespective of the condition of the market. What was Joshua thinking when he suggested he was going to cook and get the ingredients for catfish pepper soup from the community market. Her eyes, once again, scanned the entrance of the market and she had the sudden urge to get into the car and leave whether Joshua wanted to or not. She can't imagine threading through the dirty paths and jamming into sweaty bodies that were not properly washed. Her skin crawled. Yet, she hooked her arm around Joshua's when he offered and no complaint left her lips as they entered the market.

Why does she have to do this kind of crazy things with Joshua? And what was she thinking agreeing to go to such a place with him? She wanted to spend time with him. His company has become enjoyable that she was looking forward to always been with him. What harm will going to a market do to her? A lot! A voice shouted in her head. He told her she should not apologise to anyone if she steps them or jams into them. She needed to manoeuvre her way through the crowd and follow him. If she pays too much attention on bodies touching hers, she might get lost.

"Then why don't you tie my tank top to your vest so you won't have to look for me!" She spat.

He chuckled saying he would gladly do that if he had to. A middle age man, in rough clothes, right next to a young woman who sold oranges in a tray, advertised the effective insect killer tied in transparent nylon he had hanging from his neck, stored in a basket he held and in his hand. He said in broken English that the insect killer will kill cockroaches, mosquitoes, bugs, any kind of insect and was also effective on rats and wall geckos. She had a brief eye contact with a young girl in long hijab, sitting by large bowls of palm oils and groundnut oils filled into plastic bottles. Lola wonder where the girl picked those bottles from. They could be from the dumpster.

"Aunty, buy palm oil!" The girl marketed. "Groundnut oil dey!" She added.

Lola grimaced. She can't believe people buy such unhealthy oils. The cholesterol in them is very dangerous to one's health. Her jaw slacked at the sight of a woman thwacking flies away from roasted fishes arranged in a large stainless tray. As she swatted the flies away with her dirty wrapper, she called out to people to patronise her. People will still buy those fishes. Those restless flies might have laid eggs on them. The woman's neighbour had a carton over her fishes which prevented flies from playing on them. The woman could also do that. The disorderliness of the marker was alarming. You can find a meat seller by an open boutique made of planks and zinc where second graded clothes are sold. The women selling pepper were right next to those selling vegetables. Those who had their commodities in wheelbarrows stayed anywhere to sell.

Joshua got hold of her hand as he led them to where they would find the catfish sellers. On their way, there was a little delay caused by two wheelbarrow pushers who have refused to part way for one another. Impatient people shouted, barked and traded insult with them before one of them volunteered to move aside for the other to move. They wore dirty, worn out clothes. Their shorts were faded and stained as though they have not been washed for weeks. Their feet were rough and soiled in dirt. The slippers they had on were so flat that a hole had begun to form on the soles. These slipper have been sown many times just to make them wearable.

The restless catfishes were in old bathtubs. The flapped and danced, splashing water. Lola jumped back with an alarming squeal as the water from their bathtub hit her. Joshua laughed at her dismay, taking mirth in the disgusted look on her face and how she frantically rubbed the water off her body. The seller apologised as he welcomed them in pidgin Joshua answered with. Lola watched, trying not to look at her feet where she stood on a plank. Beneath the plank was black stagnant water. The foul odour of the water and that of the slimy fishes slammed her nostrils. She doubt if the seller changes the fishes' water. It stunk. She pressed a manicured hand to her nose which did nothing to block away the smell.

The hustle and bustle was everywhere, at every corner and the buzz was endless. Joshua pointed at a bathtub that homed the biggest catfishes the man had. Lola listened to Joshua as he bargained. The negotiation went on and on like it will never end.

"Just buy the damn fish, Josh." She spoke, eager to leave the market. Her skin was beginning to itch.

"That's not how we do things here. We negotiate. How much you wan sell last?" He continued.

Despite how repelling the place was, it was intriguing. A new experience to her. She wished she had brought her camera so she could take pictures of these activities. She can create a story out of the goings-on in the market. She would come back here one day. It was certain she would. Lola paid attention to the conversation between a woman and a seller. The woman was pricing at a price lower than the initial price the trader said. When the trader refused, she turned and began to leave. Few steps away, the trader called her back.

"Madam! Madam! Madam!" He shouted until she answered. "Pay one five." He said. The woman nodded her head negatively and turned to leave. "Alright! Bring money." He shouted before she could leave.

The gentle tug of her hand snapped her attention away from them. She was by Joshua's side as he bought pepper she feared was not fresh enough to eat. Quiet right, the tomatoes were big and ripe same with the rodo, tatashe and shombo but they do not seem good enough to consume. She knew it was just her being careful of what would go into her stomach but her husband does not seem to care. He was conversant with the market. He knew where to get the needed items and how to bargain. All her life, she never had to shop for food. When she was staying alone, she had a maid who comes twice a week to take care of the house. The fridge was always stocked. Most times, she ate out alone or with friends. Joshua showed her vegetables she does not know when he wanted to buy efirin which he translated to be saint leaf. The vegetables were green and healthy. All the food items were stored in a bako bag Joshua bought at the rate of hundred naira. So cheap! She thought as she stared at the bag she has never seen in her entire life. The bag, in different colours, was like a small sack big enough to contain plenty food items. Her only worry was the untidiness of the market.

An old woman who passed by her, coughed and spat sputum to the ground very close to Lola's right foot. Lola's stomach rolled. Her breakfast found its way to her throat. Jesus Christ! She clung unto her husband's arm, jumping away. The woman had no glanced her way as she headed past them with no apology. When they left the market, she was very relieved.

Lola rushed into the shower as soon as they got home. When she came to the kitchen, cleaner than she had ever felt, Joshua had brought out the food ingredients, washed and put them in various bowls. He was about to blend the pepper when she walked in.

She has never done this before, to sit on the kitchen island, watching a man cook amidst a never ending conversation, her laughter ringing through the kitchen. They gossiped, a thing they have never done. They spoke and laughed about the fights that occurred between Mama Emperor and Sasha and Halimah. The woman never ceased to fight them, always taking whatever Halimah and Sasha do to heart. His remembrance of the little things she had done and said marvelled her. It made her realise he paid so much attention to her and how good a listener he was. And she melted in his arms when he kissed her, her legs straddled around his lean waist, the pot of pepper soup boiling behind them. He smelt of spices and sweat, a smell that caused blood to roar in her veins and fired her need for him. They parted away in a fist of low laughter when his phone rang.

"I will be right back." He picked his phone and rushed out.

She exhaled long and hard, staring at the entrance he just left through. Her hands came around her body as if to shield herself from coming threat. When last did she know happiness that made her want to soar, dance, laugh and sing, a man its catalyst? As foolish as it sounded to her, she wanted to twirl and twirl, relish in the moment that felt almost like a fairy tale. When last had she laughed freely, fears disappeared, insecurities drowned under the weight of ceaseless glee, the dark shadows looming around gone? Lola stepped out into the backyard. Day was beginning to give into twilight. She lifted her head up to the sea of blue. A bird roamed in the sky. Just like that bird, she hoped to soar, spread her wings without worry of them getting clipped.

She wanted a safe place, one she could go to when everything's not alright. A place she can receive comfort knowing that no harm will come to her. She longs for love, the kind that lives on, not the kind that comes and goes like the season. A love that lasts. A love that pushes against all the briefness of this world. A love that's certain. When the pieces are unsuitable, in spite of plenty defiance than resolution, more dissatisfaction than trust, she wishes for a love that progresses. A love, regardless of its wanes and cracks and twists and desires, still pushes for the eternity they pledged, day by day and each movement they take together.

Perfect love does not exist. She just wants a love that thrives amidst destruction. Bodies won't last forever but the love thumping hard within them would. The question now is, can she have that kind of love?

Arms locked around her midriff, pulling her into hard planes, into warmth that eases. "What's on your mind?" He murmured, his lips pressed to the side of her head. His affection's bared, poured out freely for her to shower in.

She accepted the cosiness he offered, leaning deeper into him, a hand placed over his interlinked fingers. Looking into nothing, she answered, "A lot."

"Do you care to share?"

A sad smile broke across her face. "One day, I will." She lifted a hand to cup his face, an unknown mass in her chest. "But for now, just hold me." She pled and he held her.

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