I wasn't sure how I'd escaped alive. I thought that he would kill me. But instead he raped me for almost an hour while I drifted in and out of consciousness. It could have been longer, or less than an hour. It was hard to tell when I was in a state of total shut down.

What I did know, was that he enjoyed it. I remember hearing his cruel laugh through the haze. The constant shouting that I was never going be good enough for another person. That no one would want me after he was done.

Desmond has been always been a monster. But this was something that I had never seen. The evil. It was unfiltered.

As soon as he he'd stopped for . . . whatever, I laid there for hours. I just laid on the floor, naked, sobbing, defeated. I felt just how he'd intended me to. Tarnished. Damaged. Worthless. I didn't understand why this had happened to me. I just wanted to leave him. I chose to spare him from being murdered. He was alive because of a decision that I made.

And then I ended up being stripped of my dignity and honestly, the will to live. For a while, I wished that he would have just finished the job instead of leaving me to live with this kind of shame. Because he was right. Who would want someone that had been violated and tainted so violently by another man?

It was dark when I came to. When I finally had the strength to sit up. My head was pounding and my face throbbed. Almost my entire sight in one eye was gone and my lips were stinging as I tried to lick them. They felt split, I could taste dry blood all over them. The rest of my body hadn't taken much of a beating this time. But between my legs was searing with a burn that made me wince whenever I moved.

When I focused, I could hear the television in the living room. I could see the light casting a faint glow on the bedroom door. But when I listened closer, I could hear the sound of male voices laughing, cups clinking and the fridge being opened and closed.

He had guests. . while I was naked on our bedroom floor after being raped and beaten. I shook with anger, trembling and wincing when I began to shake with sobs. It hurt. Each movement of my face hurt, my vagina ached as I slowly stood up and almost toppled over.

It felt like it took a while, but I pulled on some sweat pants and and a t-shirt. My body was functioning for the most part. But I was stiff and sore which slowed me down. But the minute that I had a pair of shoes on, I went straight to our bedroom window and climbed out on to the fire escape. I wouldn't let him do that to me again. Or anyone. I was going to fix this. But I needed some pain relief and I knew that I needed Maddie.

She was amazing. She was calm and understanding. She cleaned me up and listened when I told her that I didn't want to leave her apartment. Once Desmond knew that I was gone, he would be out for me. He would find me in a hospital. And as much as I wanted Aiden, I felt disgusting. I couldn't face him after what had happened. Would he still want me if he knew that Desmond had been inside of me like that. If he knew that I was broken?

It hurt. It killed me that after the time that we'd spent together, it was spoiled by one bastard that thought he had the right to touch me however he wanted. He thought that he owned me. I laid on Maddie's couch, not getting a wink of sleep because I couldn't close my eyes without it hurting. Without that monster appearing in my nightmares. I was so wound up when the sun started to show through the blinds that I knew what I wanted to do.

I wanted to show him that he had no right to hurt me. That I wouldn't let him handle me like that again.

So that's how I ended up back in our apartment with a gun pointed at his head. He'd been sleeping. In our bed. Not a care in the world. It was like he wasn't even worried about me going to the police. Why would he be. It was clear that he had them under his thumb.

The gun trembled in my unsteady hand. My breathing was harsh and ragged as I stared at Desmond. His face was cruel and challenging. No matter what I did, I couldn't regulate my breathing as my finger danced over the trigger of the loaded weapon. I'd been waiting to have the upper hand. I'd never felt this amount of power before and some twisted, fed up part of me, wanted to savour it.

"Put it down," he snarled, raising his hands in surrender. He cowered in the corner of the room beside the bed. He could have leapt at me, over powered me and ended this. But I had a feeling that he knew, I was done. And I wouldn't hesitate to pull this trigger if he made a move. "Put the it the fuck down."

"Shut up!" I snapped, stepping forward. An ache in my head threatened my vision from where I'd been hit so hard last night. As it was I could hardly see from the swelling. "I. Have. Had. Enough."

"Put—"

"Shut up!" I screamed so loud that it pierced even my ears.

I hated that I was hesitating. There was no where else for this to go. I had him where I wanted him. All I had to do was squeeze my finger a little tighter and it would be over. The fear, the trauma, the constant abuse. But something was stopping me. There was a mental block keeping me from taking such a final step. It was infuriating and I felt tears sliding down my cheeks as my heart pounded with anger. My pulse rang in my ears, I could feel it to the point of pain, the blood violently rushing through my veins as I clenched my jaw and screamed with a closed mouth.

"Arian."

I startled but didn't turn around to the sound of Aiden's gentle voice. I had no idea what he was doing here but I wouldn't be surprised if he'd noticed the gun missing from his car. I listened to his footsteps come closer but kept a watch on Desmond who was scowling at the man behind me.

"Ari, don't do this."

"What?!" I spat with disbelief. I thought that when he arrived he would give me the push that I needed. I was sure that he would encourage me. It was a relief to know that I wouldn't have to fight with myself. "Don't do this? This is what you do, right? You take care of lowlifes. Well this one, this is the lowest one of all."

"I know that you want justice," his smooth voice wrapped around me and in the midst of the chaos, I felt my heart slow down a fraction. "But taking a life has its price Arian. No matter how much that person deserves it, you can't kill someone without baring the weight of that choice for the rest of your life."

No no no. "He needs to die."

Desmond spat at me, his entire frame was vibrating and it was clear that he hated being the one to have no control over the situation. "You're both fucking dead," he seethed with sincere threat. "Dead. I'm going to put a fucking bullet in your throat bitch."

"Baby," Aiden was behind me now, his breath fanned my exposed neck and Desmond slammed his fist backwards into the wall. "Don't do it. You're too pure to tarnish that sweet soul."

"There's nothing pure about this whore," Desmond spat. "She's been screwing you after I've held her down and fucked her so hard that she cries. Trash. She's trash."

Aiden's soft voice whispered in my ear. "Don't let him take this piece of yourself."

As he reached out and wrapped his hand around the gun, ripping it from me, he pushed my head against his chest so that I could see nothing but darkness and several gun shots rang out around us.

I felt liquid shower the side of me. Aiden's hand rubbed circular motions against my head as I trembled in his embrace.

The clatter of the gun sounded against the ground and then both of his arms were around me, holding me so close against him as he peppered soft kisses on my head. "It's over Ari. It's over. You're safe."

I couldn't wrap my head around it. I wasn't sure how long I stood there in his hold. It couldn't be that simple? It couldn't be over just like that? I leaned back from Aiden and turned to glance at where Desmond had been standing but Aiden positioned himself in front of me and gently cupped my swollen face.

"Don't," he whispered. "Don't look Ari."

"He's— He's dead?"

"He's gone. You don't have to be scared."

I didn't know what to feel. I was relieved. But after all of that, I was still a mess. I still couldn't take back what he'd done to me. I kept my gaze down at the floor, ashamed to meet Aiden's eyes. But he put a finger underneath my chin and tilted my head up so that I had to meet his stare.

He couldn't keep the anguish from his features. I was battered and bruised. But instead of dropping his hold, he cupped either side of my face and began pressing the softest kisses on the wounds that covered me. Tears began to slide down my face as he feathered me with his lips. With each brush of his mouth against the pain, I could feel the fear of rejection becoming quieter and quieter.

"I'm so sorry that I didn't stop this from happening."

I opened my eyes at the sound of his broken voice and saw a single tear slide down his cheek. He brushed it off and shook his head with a deep breath. "I should have stopped him sooner."

I tip toed and threw my arms around his neck. "It's my fault for thinking that I was strong enough to do it alone."

"You are strong," he told me with a fierce voice. His hands cupped my neck and he held my stare. "You were going through that and you never failed to smile or show kindness to the people around you. You're the strongest woman that I have ever met."

My lip quivered as his thumb grazed it. He was so gentle, watching me with admiration as I sobbed.

The sound of sirens interrupted us and Aiden whipped his head towards the window as he adopted a calculating stare. "I can't cover this up Arian. It's too late."

He let me go and turned around. He grabbed the gun and walked towards Desmond who was unidentifiable. I caught a quick glimpse of his face before Aiden told me not to look. "Listen to me," he said and I couldn't help but peek as he wrapped Desmond's hand around the gun handle. "This has all of our prints on it. I walked in on him threatening you with it. Him and I wrestled over it for a bit and then you got hold of it and shot him. Alright?"

"I'll go to jail?"

"You won't," he dropped the gun on the floor again and pulled out his cellphone. It was then that I noticed his white t shirt was drenched in blood. When I glanced down, so was mine. "It was self defence Arian. I don't mean to sound insensitive, but the sight of you will confirm the story that he's a violent piece of shit. His knuckles are busted too. You will not end up behind bars. I promise Ari. Trust me?"

I met his green gaze and nodded as he lifted the phone to his ear. "The police will be here soon," he said to me before whoever was on the phone answered. "Ian, I need a nine mil serial number MG998HL cleared. It doesn't exist. It needs to be done now."

He listened for a moment and then hung up the phone before he walked back towards me. I was still processing the entire morning. It felt as though I was having an out of body experience. It didn't seem real. It just didn't seem like I wouldn't be at the hands of Desmond from now on. I still couldn't accept that it was over.

"Arian," Aiden wrapped his strong arms around me. "Just breathe. Baby, calm down."

I didn't even realise that I was crumbling. Hyperventilating and gasping for air as I stared at the dead mangled mess of a man on the floor. The man who had spent so long tormenting me. The man who I feared to the point of accepting that I had to live in silence. It was all too much. It was too much.

"I'm here Arian. I won't let you down again."

_____

I found peace in your violence. Can't tell me there's no point in trying.
I'm at one and I've been quiet for too long. I'm in need of a saviour but I'm not asking for favours.
- Silence by Marshmello.