I understood Michael. I knew that pain of wanting to end the suffering. I knew that death felt like the fastest route to peace and I knew how tempting it was to find it. Once in a while, breathing became a chore. Existing was more hassle than it was worth. How much difference would it make if I just. . . wasn't here anymore?

The scent of the sea reached me on the rooftop tonight. The waves were stronger, the breeze more harsh than it had been this morning. There were clouds covering the stars and I felt a tear slip from my socket as I stood at the edge and watched the world pass below me.

"Arian?"

I startled with fright for a brief moment until my mind caught up with me and I realised that it was a Aiden who was approaching. I quickly dried my eyes as he came to a stop beside me.

"Jules said you were on a break. I thought I might find you up— what's wrong?"

He angled his body towards me, staring down with concern. I'd tried to hide the fact that I was sobbing on the edge of a rooftop. But I couldn't seem to put the grief on pause. I wasn't a fan of Michael, but that wasn't the point.

"My manager— he um— he killed himself last night. I just found out about two hours ago and— I just—"

My sentence crumbled as I burst into tears. I'd been holding it in from the moment that I found out. But when I said it out loud, it made it all that much more real. Without hesitation, Aiden reached out and gently pulled me into his embrace. His arms wrapped around me while I nuzzled into his chest and I couldn't believe how instant the relief was. Hugging him was — it was soothing. He smelled amazing. His chest was firm but he was warm. He had one of those hugs that you would crave whenever you remembered what it was like.

"I just wish that I could have done something," I quietly cried into his chest. "Maybe I could have asked him how he was—"

Aiden leaned back but kept his arms wound around me. "Arian—"

"I never asked how he was. Maybe he just needed a friend! I mean, no one is that grumpy all the time for no reason! Maybe I should have looked a little harder—"

"Stop," he cupped the nape of my neck and lowered himself so that he could directly stare at me. It caused the sobs to choke in my throat. "You can't shoulder that kind of guilt. Don't—"

"But I—"

"No!" He said with a fierce tone. His brows pulled together as his gaze travelled my face. "Everyone, everyone, has shit that they don't want other people to see. We're all hiding something. You can't blame yourself because you couldn't see something that he didn't want you to."

I exhaled a trembling breath and nodded. I still felt a swirl of guilt that was making me nauseous. But he was right. I was hiding something from everyone. I made sure that no one could see the truth. And I never once blamed other people for not seeing it themselves.

It was then that I noticed Aiden's thumb softly stroking my jaw as he held my face. I met his green gaze and saw so much emotion in his expression. He clenched his jaw and the lashes that framed his emerald iris' were so thick and full. With each flutter, it would be easy to pretend that they were the breeze that was causing a storm on the seas. His presence was just that powerful.

It would have been so easy to close the distance between us. I wanted to kiss him. I wanted it so bad that my chest was rising and falling so damn fast. But then what would he think of me? He would think that I'm a cheat. A tramp. I didn't want him to think that about me.

"I'm not irrationally emotional," I broke the silence and noticed how he flinched. He straightened up and took a small step back. It wasn't much, he was still close. But it left me colder all the same. I took a deep breath and turned to stare out at the waves. "I know how he felt. I've felt like that before."

I stole a quick glance at Aiden and noticed his brows pulled together. He leaned against the brick wall, his hand resting atop it as I took a deep breath and continued.

"A long time ago, I stood on this roof and I th- I thought about jumping," my voice broke as I re-lived that night. I closed my eyes and felt a tear slide down my cheek. It was so hard to talk about. I hadn't realised that saying it out loud would be so painful. But I desperately wanted someone to know more about me. "I sat on this wall, with my feet hanging over the edge. I just didn't want to hurt anymore. I'd had enough."

I couldn't look at Aiden as I blubbered through my story. As if sensing that I needed to get through this both alone and with his support, he pulled me into his hold and cradled my head against his chest. It was the perfect compromise.

"I figured that no one would miss me. It just- it just felt like the solution that I needed. It was the fix for all of my problems.

"But then I don't- something- I don't know what it was but something reminded me that if I died at that moment. I died unhappy. I died without ever getting to see what else was out there for me. I was letting pain win and I didn't want pain to win. I wanted to win. I wanted to be stronger than that."

Aiden's hold became tighter. He clung to me, his large frame encasing me into such a safe and secure embrace. We stood like that for a minute. The wind whipped at us and the crash of the waves were thunderous as rain drops began to shower us.

As I leaned back and stared at the sudden fall, Aiden pressed a soft kiss against my forehead and I met his small smile with an enamored disbelief. "You are strong," he said. "I'm so glad that you're still here."

I swallowed. I hadn't been one hundred percent factual with that recount of events. It wasn't a long time ago, but months. And the pain. . . that was Desmond. But the strength that I needed when I safely hopped off the ledge, that was real. It meant everything to hear him recognise that.

"You're happier now, right?" He said, still holding me and appearing hopeful as he waited for an answer. "You met someone. He made you happy and now you're okay?"

I chose to live for myself. I made that choice for me. I stared up at the gorgeous man before me. Rain drops glistened in his dark hair and dampened his fitted white dress shirt. "Yes," I answered. You do make me happy.

Back in the staff room, before I continued my shift, I stood in front of the mirror and re tied my now wet hair. My skin was still tingling from where Aiden had held me. The ghost of his fingertips lingered on my nape and in the strands of my hair. In just a few short months, I had become enraptured with this man. I was besotted and it was killing me. The way he held himself, the way that he held me! It was addictive and while I suspected that he might have felt something for me, it was hard to determine whether he saw me as a good friend or more. He was close with Maddie as well. Perhaps he just had a preference for female friends.

Whatever it was, it was getting harder to resist him and I knew how dangerous it could be to get caught up in what I felt for him.

The door opened and I saw Jules in the reflection of the mirror. She stood behind me and folded her arms with a disapproving scowl. "Were you with that Aiden Emerson guy. . . again?"

I turned around and arched a brow. "Yeah, why?"

"Does Desmond know how much time you spend with him?"

I swallowed and felt my heart rate speed up. "Yes," I lied.

"Bullshit," she scoffed and threw her arms up. " He rang me on friday night. No idea where you were. Worried as hell. I didn't tell him about Aiden. But you sure as hell should."

I could feel my hands trembling at the mere thought of Desmond finding out that I was spending time with another man. "Jules, Aiden and I are just friends-"

"So why can't you tell Desmond about him?"

"He just wouldn't be comfortable with it. Even if it was innocent."

She rolled her eyes with a harsh scowl. "If you can't tell your husband about what you're doing in your spare time, then it's not innocent."

"Well do you tell your boyfriend whenever you graphically talk about all of the sexual things that you want to do with every hot guy that walks through the restaurant doors?!"

"That's just girls talking shit!" She snapped, pushing her short pixie cut behind her ears. "You know that I don't mean it! But do you really expect me to believe that this hot rich man that's been giving you all this attention, isn't giving you all sorts of other things as well?!"

"What are you, jealous?!" I shouted.

She stepped back with a dropped jaw. A sneer soon crossed her lips and she shook her head with a humorless laugh. "Delusional bitch. You're not even that hot. I have nothing to be jealous about."

I'd heard Jules talk about enough of our co-workers to know that she wasn't quiet when it came to her distaste about people. But I was still hurt. I thought we were friends. Part of me wanted to get her back on side so that I didn't have to stress about her talking to Desmond. But I was too pissed to spare her another glance. So I pushed past and left the staff room with frustration.

The rest of the shift was tense. People were quiet and upset about Michael. That and Jules were weighing me down for the entire evening. But I kept up professionalism while I served the patrons. Jules and I avoided each other wherever we could, only talking when it was absolutely necessary. After the doors were closed for the night, we had a small memorial for Michael in the staff room. It consisted of kind words and memories from co-workers. I didn't speak. I didn't feel that I had the right. We never got along while he was alive and I felt terrible that he was in pain but I couldn't pretend that we had some fantastic friendship, when we didn't.

Still, I hung around and had a drink in his honor. By the time I left, there were suicide hot lines scribbled on the white board, as well as a small quote that someone had scrawled in neat handwriting.

  "If you were born with the weakness to fall, you were born with the strength to rise." — Rupi Kaur 

I smiled, despite the ache that followed me wherever I went, I smiled and remembered that there was always hope. I just wished that Michael had known that too.

_____

I know exactly how this book goes from beginning to end and I'm like struggling to not just jump ahead to all the juicy intense chapters 😂