The last few weeks have been calm while extremely stressful at the same time, exams just ended so before we barely worked or did anything outside the apartment beside study at the library.

Even Logan and Conner calmed down a little for exams, but the Reeds did manage to set their Literary Law professor's desk on fire and not get caught so there's that.

But now we're back on our routine something just has to happen.

And that something happened just when I came home from my afternoon classes too.

I walked into my apartment building to find Ares and another guy having a silent glaring contest in the hallway.

What freaked me out the most is the fact that I know this guy, he was my person in the foster system.

Valentino Cancio.

We didn't stay in extreme contact after we turned of age and got away from our abusive foster parents, but we did make sure we knew how to find each other at any time and promised to help each other if we needed it.

Him being here is bad news, but that doesn't disturb the fact that I'm happy to see him.

"Val!" I squeal, tackling him in a hug. 

Valentino staggers back with a laugh but catches us both, "Hey Ever."

My excitement quickly fades as I see the bruises on his face, the evidence he's been hit recently. 

We're twenty two, no foster parent should be beating on us anymore but knowing him and the life we used to have this is worse than a foster parent.

"What did you do?" I ask, my voice serious as I take a small step back.

Ares's arm slides around me, holding my waist in a protective gesture. Valentino's eyes narrow at the movements before flicking back up to my own, a eyebrow raised in curiosity. "Who's the boyfriend."

"Not boyfriend," I correct. "Roommate."

"Some roommate."

"Be serious Val, what did you come here for?" I cross my arms protectively over my chest. "I've moved on completely. That part of my life is done, don't ask me to go back in if I don't have to."

Behind me Ares's body goes rigid.

"I wouldn't if I didn't have to." Val practically begs me with his eyes. "You know that Ever, please. Trust me on this one, some real bad shit is gonna happen if you don't take the wheel."

I follow suit of the giant and tense at the underlying message in his words.

Before I can stop myself I've already grabbed the front of Valentino's shirt and slammed him back in the wall. "Are you fucking serious? Who did you bet me against?"

"Raphael." Val says, gulping. "I-I didn't mean to, I was just talking about what you used to do and said that you could beat anyone. He didn't like that. It's you race and risk it or-"

"Or they kill you to settle the Pride Score." I finish.

"What the fuck are you guys talking about?" Ares asks, grabbing my wrist but I only shake him off.

"I have to go," I mutter. "I'll um, I'll probably be back tomorrow."

"Oh fuck that. You're stupid as shit if you think I'm letting you go anywhere alone with him." Ares says. "I'm going, don't even try to test me right now Everly."

I wince at the use of my first full name.

That's never a good thing.

"Okay! Okay. But you're staying in the car." I tell him, watching as Val smirks. "You are too." That wipes is smug look right off.

"Where will you be?" 

"In a different car."

Apparently not explaining my 'different car' meaning wasn't good enough for Ares because as soon as he realized we stopped at a storage containment place for my old pride and joy: my race car, he wasn't happy.

He was actually quite far from happy.

But Valentino telling him that people will literally shoot him and me- -though they probably don't even know I'm still alive to shoot- -quieted him nicely.

He didn't ask why all the racers were saying goodbye.

I'm so freaked out, so stressed right now that I've gone silent again.

"Raphael said your race is the only one today, they've been waiting or a half hour. You can just pull right up," I look to Ares in worried, though I should be worried that cops will be suspicious of us towing a unlicensed car. "Don't worry, I'll fill him in." 

I raise a eyebrow to ask what, but Val only grins with a small shrug. "Everything."

Winning my race didn't seem to matter to Rafael, he pulled a gun on me anyway and threatened me until I had to hand over my keys.

At this point I didn't care, but he didn't need to know that. 

Now there should be a mutual truce between him and Val.

"What the fuck Ever! You just handed him your keys? That's the best car in town." Valentino scolds me, I flinch back.

"I didn't want to start another thing. Both of us are in the clear now, stop hanging around these people Val. I can't dig you out of every mess. What did you tell Ares?"

"Once he saw you were way too calm for this to be a one time thing he asked a million things about your past."

"And you told him?" I ask incredulously.

"You said everything!" Val stands straighter, defensive. "He got mad about that and even madder when he saw the crashes. He knows you could die and pretended not to know before you went on the track. He's pissed."

"Pissed? Why?"

"Because...you have family. They're not good people but you have them." I make a face at Val's explanation so he continues. "He thought you were all alone...that he had to be there for you. You made him feel guilty and like he needed to protect you for no reason. I know you didn't mean anything by being 'alone' but it means something to him. You've met his mom Ever and you didn't even tell him about the fortune. You act like a struggling student with him but don't mention your family fortune."

There's a long pause as reality syncs in.

Money was never a issue for us...

"I think this time you fucked up Ever, I'm sorry." Val says, giving me a quick hug. "Call me if anything happens. I'll drive you home."

The entire time on the road it was silent, it was silent on the walk to our apartment and when we went to bed.

It was the next day Ares exploded.

"You're rich as fuck, had a family, had a life, you have uncles and cousins and people who probably care about you and you didn't tell me? Every finacial struggle, every christmas when I felt bad because you didn't have anyone and you didn't tell me that was a choice?" A choice? "You said you were just like me, a struggling college student. You said you had no one left. You lied. You lied every time you had to call me for something because you 'didn't have family.' You lied when you said your only friend was me, what about Valentino? You're close to him. you lied at every doctors appointment, every job interview, every drive to work, every night we would talk."

I clench my jaw, trying to think my way past this.

Had I lied?

Was what I said, thought, felt the truth. Yes I had extended family but they'd only want me for the fortune.

"Every single time I stayed up at night thinking how broken you must be because the only person you seemed to have was me. Shit, those thoughts nearly killed me. What the fuck Everly! I trusted you and you, and you kept something like this from me? Why?" Ares explodes, grabbing me by the shoulders.

"I saw my bio mom die when I was eight. We were in her office and these guys came in with guns and knives. One of them grabbed Mom and threatened to cut her throat if she didn't give him what he wanted, I don't remember what it was but when that didn't work they threatened to shoot me and took the safety off the gun." I reply back, struggling without looking at him but his grip is like solid steel.

"What the fuck does that have to do with anything?" He snarls.

"She did what they asked but shot her up anyway. Have you ever put your hand on a beating heart then suddenly not have it beating? Didn't think so." I say, seeing as he stayed silent. "Every night before bed mom would sing a song to me, and after she died my dad came in and tried to sing it to be."

"Ev I-"

"But he started crying so hard he couldn't get a single word out. I was eight you know, I didn't know what to do. A day later I found my dad on the bathroom floor. Overdosed on pain killers as if that could mend his broken heart. A lawyer from my mom's office came in and made me sign a contract, one that said I couldn't use the money until I was eighteen and any guardian I would have in the future wouldn't have access to it either, or even know about it. And soon I forgot about it too. Being bumped in the system made me forget the kind of life I could have. I grew up humble. I wanted to earn this Mars, I wanted to earn being a person instead of just another Barbie."

"That doesn't change anything." Ares whispers, I can just feel how much he wanted me to look up at him but I don't. I can't. "You lied to me."

"And I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to h-hurt you." I sniff, trying to stop the tears. "I don't like to hurt people."

"If I didn't think you weren't lying I'd laugh." His voice is cold, void of emotions. "Because for five full fucking years all you did was set me up to get hurt. I want you gone."

"W-what?" I stammer, snapping my head up. "Gone?"

"Move out, but pay the rest of your rent. You're rich enough to figure something out. I don't want to see you again, I don't care about any excuse you could have. Text me when you're done packing and gone, then loose my number." Fat tears roll down my cheeks as he talks, my eyes clenching shut as I beg this not to be true. "I'll give you two days."

"I'm s-sorry." I repeat, knowing it won't change anything. "You know I love you, r-right?"

Ares grabs my jaw, finally forcing me to look at those dark hazel eyes.

This time the anger is directed at me.

"Unfortunately." He drawls, sounding as cold as ice.

My eyes close again and I try to remember an early time, when this position could have turned into a kiss but it just makes more tears pour from my eyes.

"Stop crying." Ares snaps. "You look pathetic."

"I-I know, I'm sorry." He drops my jaw with a look of disgust, obviously about to turn and never look back but then I grab his arm, which makes him glare and shake my touch off like I burned him. "You mean a lot to me a-and I know this won't change anything. I am in love with you, okay? A-and I'm sorry that doesn't matter t-to you because I hurt you. But I really am sorry. I'm s-so sorry."

"What was it you said once," A dark look overtakes Ares's features as he pretends to think. "Oh yeah. Apologizes don't mean anything when they come from the wrong person. You're the wrong person and I'm not sorry, because I don't love you."

I nod my head, trying to keep eye contact just as much as I struggle to accept that.

But I've always believed Ares was a good person and he isn't a liar.

It's easier this way, if I'm the only one who loses someone I love. Maybe this way it won't hurt him anymore.

"Goodbye Mars." I whisper, trying not to stutter with the last thing he'll ever hear me say.

For this I can't look at him, I can't see another person leave me, another person I destroyed.

I could lose anyone else in the world, anyone else and I would have been okay but not him.

Not Ares.

"Two days Everly." He snaps, not bothering to hide the malice in his tone. "I want you gone."

Don't worry, I'm gone.

Until I find a suitable place around here Valentino is letting me crash at his place and despite his protests I'm paying half the bills so there's less of a burden for him.

The guest room has become my permanent residence, I found out the hard way the effects of leaving your cat that reminds you to take your antidepressants at your ex-something's apartment.

In all the packing I've somehow lost the bottle and the weekly dose container, without my medicine and not being able to get another bottle for at least a month and 12 days- -I checked- -I've spiraled back down.

Like the loving person and friend Val is he's come in here and made a effort to talk to me, get me to eat or take care of myself every day.

And I do get up, I take a shower and brush my teeth and put on deodorant and change my clothes.

But then I sit back in bed, I just sit and hold my head in my hands while I will the voices to go away.

At first I was able to listen to music but that just made the memories worse, as if certain lyrics triggered it.

I know I'm a burden, I know that.

Because most days I wake up with my screams muffled into my pillow.

Valentino is like my brother, I've known him my entire life, he was in the system with me. He's seen me like this before and doesn't let it make him mad.

He actually cares about me, I've told him he doesn't have to but he insists it's not something he can control and smiles.

All those years of education and they never taught me how to love myself.

I can love other people though...that's enough, right?

Right now I'm doing exactly that, sitting on the middle of my bed, head between my knees as I covered my face with my hands, not listening to anything but my own breath -wishing, even, that that would stop too.

"Hey Ever," Val says, a smile in his voice. "Someone's hear to see you."

This gets me to lift my head, confused as all hell.

But then I hear the Reeds familiar bickering in the living room and groan, hanging my head again.

"Okay," Valentino tells them, sighing slightly. "She's in there."

I look back up, grimacing slightly when Logan enters to room but able to offer a slight smile by the time both the twins are seated either side of my bed.

"Hey Peyton." They speak in sync, a worried look unable to be hidden by Logan's signature smirk and Conner's fake grin.

"Hey guys." I say, clearing my throat after I realize how small and coarse my voice sounds.

Must not have been speaking lately.

I didn't notice...

"How are you doing?" Conner asks, but looks like he already knows the answer to that.

"I'm alive." My smile grows weakly as I wink at him. "You?"

"I've been better, we just wanted to check on you...Ares told us everything he said that night and how you lied and moved out." I look away when Conner says his name, trying not to cry.

"Oh." I mumble. "Yeah, that's true. Is he...is he okay?"

Tears are obviously wanting to make and appearance as I look back up, wanting to make sure neither of them lie.

"Surprisingly he's actually doing okay. Better than I expected." Logan says, wincing slightly as he probably thinks that's not what I want to hear.

"Good." I nod, looking away again. That's actually exactly what I wanted to hear, Ares is the strongest person I know. He deserves happiness. "Promise me something guys, will you?"

"Anything for you Peyton," Logan says, smirking again while his twin just nods.

"Keep him that way, okay? Make sure he's actually happy. A-and I'm sorry that me hurting him hurt you, I don't like hurting people." If heartbreak was an expression the Reeds know how to wear it. "Pet Blink for me, I really miss that dumb blond. Please." My voice cracks.

I laugh slightly, just at the thought of him but a tear slips down my cheek. Putting my head on my chin I wipe it away, offering them the biggest smile I can.

It's sad how small it is.

At this point Conner, the more emotional one, looks like he's about to cry too and I can't stand it so I clench my eyes shut and hope by the time I open them the twins will be back to their chaotic happy-go-lucky bubbly attitudes they always seem to have.

The saddest thing on earth is watching the happiest people cry.

"I'm sorry that I'm making you sad." The words bubble out of me, not letting me take them back. "And I know it sucks, I didn't mean to upset you. I don't like to hurt people."

"We know that. Hey Peyton," Logan gently pulls me into a hug as I began to bawl. "We know that. I know you wouldn't want to hurt people, please stop crying."

"I'm sorry." I repeat, weeping into his chest. "I always hurt people b-but I don't like it. I don't like to hurt people. P-please believe me."

"I do. We both do." The twins reassure me, bear hugging me at the same time.

It takes a while for me to stop crying and I apologize for that too, but then I look at a clock and realize how late it actually is and gasp. "You two need to hit the road, it's almost midnight. Any longer and you'll fall asleep driving, I'll be okay but please, take care of yourselves."

They stand but extremely hesitantly, nobody mentions the tear streaks on Conner's cheeks.

"Please." I beg them, and Logan steps bag. "I'll see you guys again, promise."

I'm pretty sure the reason they only nodded in response, then bolted from the room was because they didn't want me to see them cry.

I don't want to see them cry either.

All I do is hurt people.

"If you had to ask Ares two things what would they be?" Conner asks over the phone.

Him and Logan and tried desperately to stay my friend while I slipped deeper in depression.

I finally moved out and into a new apartment. Val made me promise to take care of myself, get out of bed and do everything like I would at his place.

So far I've stuck to that, but it's tiring.

I've stuck to a somewhat healthy diet, but its mostly fruits and then 5 minutes meals.

Anything longer and I lose interest and then just don't eat.

I haven't lost weight but I don't have a lot of energy.

I'm drained.

Still, I'm thankful for the effort they put into maintaining our relationships, even if it's not worth it in the end.

I'm not worth it.

"Two things?" I frown, what a weird question.

Logan usually tries to avoid conversation about Ares but Conner lets me talk about him.

It helps, thinking about how fun, peaceful, he wad without me knowing it.

I lost him and he was my everything.

That's why Conner lets me talk, because its the only bit of my whole world I have left.

"Yeah, what two things." The Reed twin confirms.

I begin to think, racing my brain of hundreds of possibilities before I find what I would want to ask. "You need the context first, to understand it."

"Shoot."

"One time me and him went on the roof and watched the sunset," I have to clear my voice because of how thick with emotion is was. "And we were talking about meaningless things, I can't remember what they were but I can just remember thinking 'If I was going to pause time, this is when I would do it' and we were sitting really close."

I smile at the memory, tears building in my eyes.

I'm thankful Conner can't see me.

"We just kept getting closer until I was pressed against his side and he's a human heater, so it was really comfortable. He kept looking down and getting even closer, though at that point it was nearly impossible. It took me so long to realize that what he kept looking at was my lips, but he never tried to kiss me and I never tried to kiss him. After the wind slammed the door shut we were too jumpy to do anything as risky as ruin what was the best friendship with that."

Because I ruined the best friendship with something so much worse than kissing someone who doesn't want to kiss you back.

"Then what's your question?" Conner asks, and I can imagine him raising a bushy brown eyebrow.

"If he wanted to kiss me then, just once in that moment if he actually wanted to kiss me as much as I wanted to kiss him." I say, letting the tears roll down my but not letting my voice reflect the fact I'm crying. "Do you think that's possible, that he ever wanted to kiss me?"

Conner releases as shaky breath, "I think that sometimes Ares wanted to kiss you more than you wanted to kiss him."

I laugh a bit, but that quickly turns into silent sobs. Ones Conner wouldn't be able to know are racking through my body.

"What's your second question?"

I'm silent for a moment, hoping one of the Reeds themselves can answer it. 

"I would, I would ask him if he, if he knew how long it takes dogs to forget someone they l-loved." After I ask it's quiet on the other end but I can hear someone's labored breath, like they're trying hard not to cry so I try to change the mood from depressed to bored. "Because I heard that dogs can forget someone in two years but other things only take them months to forget, especially if that thing wasn't i-important a-and I don't think I was necessarily all that important to Blink. But he was the cutest little dumb blondie I've ever met. I think it would suck i-if he already forgot me."

"That's it!" Logan declares. "I'm stealing the dog again and-"

"Fuck you disphit! Watch it asshole." A deep voice yells as the sound of a elbow smacking into what I would guess is a forehead rings out. 

Then they're all silent as the mistake dawns on all of us.

Ares was obviously close enough to hear everything, as Conner had me on speaker so Logan could talk too.

Logan must have hit him grabbing the phone, and Ares being Ares yelled out the first vulgar thing that came to mind.

Ares heard all that.

Has he been listening to all our calls?

Is he the only reason they've been calling at all?

Not knowing what to do I fumble with my phone, managing to turn it off before I just haphazardly throw it into the corner of my room.

The next thing I do is dash into my bathroom, tripping over myself as I strip and sit on the bottom, letting the water I didn't bother to warm up stop my panic attack.

I don't come out for a while.