"Quick Anton!" Valentino shouts, starting our best friend. "Say hippopotamus."

Slowly, without even blinking or breaking from his now creepy smile Anton raises the hand he had resting on the back of the couch and smacks Val in the back of the head -which of course he asked for and knew the consequences of when sitting next to him.

Conner, also sitting on the couch, frowns at Val like he knows the dick move Val just made isn't just him being weird.

Yeah right, Anton wouldn't share that with a man he just met.

My thoughts drift off to Ares, who's acting like he's not sharing something with me too, but I'm broken out of it by the twins poking each other viciously while asking each other random questions.

"If God was real what do you think would happen?" Conner asks us all instead of his brother, voice hushed. Livia frowns, and due to the cross hanging from her neck I think she thinks God is very much real. And of course, he catches this. "I don't mean his isn't, I meant that if he proves he is and everyone believes it."

"For one," Anton starts -having use to believe in God but stopped, he now has a very low key kind of hatred for him. "I think he'd open up the sky and say 'Oh this does not vibe' and just smite us all."

"Honestly?" Logan, who has been looking for a way to get on Anton's good side all day, nods. "I believe it."

"I think he'd fix a lot of broken things." Livia says, now holding her necklace. I smile at her and nod, that sounds really nice.

"I think if God were real, she'd probably be crying." Angelina pipes up, smirking slightly. "We all know that God would be a woman."

Staring over, I watch Ares -who is away from everyone and leaning against the metal pillars. His jaw is clenched as he stares down to his phone, making me frown.

He's acting a lot like he did when we first moved in together, distant and he's glaring at me a lot like when we got 'broken' up. It's worrying. Ares doesn't act this way to me without being mad or upset with me, and I didn't think I even did anything this time.

I'm worried.

Normally I don't have to be worried about him, which makes this even worse.

I stand quietly, not cuing anyone in on my absence tho I do have to shake my head at Angie when she raises an eyebrow at me.

Reaching the giant, I gently touch his arm and look at his jaw. "What's going on, Mars?"

It annoys me how much I suck at eye contact.

When he pulls away from, I have to admit that it hurts. "Nothing for you to worry about, Ev." As if sensing that I don't believe him, he playfully ruffles my hair but it really doesn't make me feel much better. "You  actually enjoy racing, don't you?"

Nodding, I attempt to hold his hand again. This time he doesn't pull away, making me smile. "Yeah. But for fun only, not for money or my life. That's why I like riding with you on your bike, I don't have to do anything and you don't pull anything that makes me question my safety."

"That's good."

"Yeah." We stand there for just a second, looking at each other before I sigh -holding him closer to me. "I know something is actually wrong Ares...talk to me?"

"Later? Yeah." With that he pulls away from me completely, despite the lack of contact I can tell that he's pulled away even further mentally. "I actually have to go...I don't know if I'll make it home tonight."

Home, my mind jeered at me. A place you've previously failed to give him.

All I do is gulp and nod, not wanting to push him.

In doing so, in letting him fall away from me, I feel my mental flinch away from him too and try not to let my emotions ruin me.

Why does it feel like I'm losing him?

Nothing has happened between us, I didn't do anything wrong this time, I didn't do anything.

I don't want to lose him.

But for some reason I just stand there, staring as he walks away from me, mouth closed and body tense.

I do nothing to stop it.

I do nothing to help.

As per usual, I'm useless.

Ares wasn't lying when he said he wasn't going to come home that night.

What he didn't mention was that he wouldn't be home the day after, or the one after that. He didn't say that he'd go to work but not come home. He didn't say that he would check in at his gym but not come home. He didn't say he was staying at his sister's, Nico herself being worried.

He didn't say he was going to leave me.

Why should I get a warning?

I deserve this.

I didn't want to mention this to someone else because I didn't want to seem needy or be unvalidated. We just, officially, got together after five years.

He probably needs space from me.

Can't blame him for that, I get tired of myself too. I'd leave myself if I could.

That being the most likely reason for him being MIA on me doesn't change how worried I am about him.

Usually I think he'd explain himself while still giving himself space. He'd at least read my texts or leave me a voicemail.

It's like he's a ghost.

This entire thing has put me in a bad mood, giving me a lapse in judgment.

I've known since I got my antidepressants and the medicine I was prescribed for my anxiety attacks- -but never use, since it makes me loopy- -that I'm not suppose to mix them together, least of all mix them together than consume alcohol.

Very, very poor judgement on my part.

I know that.

But I'm home, the doors are locked and I'm in Ares' room on his bed. What's the worse that can happen?

Before all this, I took Blink to the twin's apartment and asked them to watch him.

I planned to get blacked out drunk but when it came down to it, I still felt sad after the first two drinks. I still felt anxious. So I took that medicine I never do, I took it because I was already kinda drunk anyway and who cared how extra messed up I got after that?

Certainly not me.

Then when time came, Monster was meowing at me for a treat and deciding to be nice to myself because I knew it helped my sadness, I took that other pill too.

Disney movies were being played on a loop on my laptop, it being set up when I was sober so drunk me would have something to enjoy.

I clung to my boyfriend's favorite pillow tightly, wrapped in his blankets like I've been for the past two days.

It's not a good feeling when your favorite person in the entire world is avoiding you.

Personally I hate it.

And messed up, drunk me proves that.

Given, it does take a few minutes for me to realize that stupid annoying noise isn't a bird from the Lion King but the doorbell instead, the point is that I do notice and am proud of myself for actually having the courage to get out of bed and check.

It's the middle of the night.

Messed up, drunk me didn't much care what time it was. All I knew at that point was when someone is at your door, you answer it.

Drunk me would die first in a horror movie, which isn't far off from sober me but sober me would last longer than drunk me even if I died first both times.

Stumbling around my apartment, I trip over myself like a toddler on crack merged with a blind eighty year old and that image in my head just gets me to giggle. I'm aware at that point that I probably won't remember this tomorrow, but I think for a second that maybe I should write a note saying how proud of myself I am that even messed up and drunk I checked the peep hole first.

At this stage in the game I doubt I could spell anything right, let alone actually write it with my lack of coordination and the fuzz around the edges of my sight.

This was wild.

And honestly?

I kinda liked it.

Messed up, drunk me only had to worry about how to write. This version was proud of myself several times tonight, regular me is never like that!

Giggling when I see Ares, I know my body wants to cry but I can't understand why and it's so weird that I just laugh more as I open the door -falling into the frame.

"Woah," I slur out, grinning at him. "I f-forgot you were such a g-g-giant. It's weird." My giggle makes him frown.

It only amuses me, makes me want to see his reaction when he smells the liquor on my breath or see the ways the pills made my pupils go all wide-like.

It's funny, I've never seen my eyes like that except when I took all those pain killers and got a woozy-high that didn't ware off. That was probably because I kept taking them. That was funny too, because I could poke myself in my broken ribs and feel the breaks like a little sliver and feel nothing.

Feeling nothing is so freeing.

I should feel nothing more often.

I wonder if Ares likes me like this, I'd be less of a burden and not talk as much. He might just keep me in my room, wouldn't that be good for him. Out of the way, staying excited and happy as long as Bambi was playing.

"You don't look good, Everly." Ares says gently, hands gripping onto my hips.

The smile falls from my lips and I take a clumsy step back, knowing, just knowing that lately he doesn't like my touch. "I never d-do." At this, I giggle and slap my thigh. "Woooow, a self burn. That's rare." It's funny though, because for me, it's not. "We had more liquor in here than I thought we did, that was a g-good surprise!"

"You're drunk." He says, hazel eyes scanning over my features making me feel squeamish. "You don't like it when you're drunk Ev, remember? You hate losing control."

"I just want to l-let g-go for once and not feel, oh my dio, it's exhausting to constantly feel. I've been so worried about you and now, I'm just glad you're home." Drunk me doesn't care what I say when I rant, because drunk me doesn't deal with the consequences, sober me does. "Is that bad? We were so good...and now I don't care. I don't care!"

Now, I laugh. And that's funny at first but then I start to cry and it's not fun to cry.

Wrapping me in his arms, the giant pulls me to the couch where he seats me down and crouched next to me on the floor.

"Did you do this because of me?"

That has the tears drying up in place of confusion.

"Because of you?" I slowly repeat, not quite getting it. "I know it isn't your fault I'm s-so fucked up, Mars. Me hating myself has nothing to do with you. You mostly make me h-hate myself less, it's like magic!"

"You still hate yourself Ev?" Ares asks, making me frown too. Ugh, I hate frowning, it hurts! "Why?"

"Did you know I don't deserve you," Is what I say instead -answering would make me sad and I've done so much tonight to not be sad so that wouldn't be fair. "Like, at all? You're too good for me and I'm too messed up for you. But not tonight, tonight I don't care how fucked up I am. You're here tonight, I-I didn't expect that. You were g-gone last night! And the night before. So I slept in your room, it's safer in your room."

Messed up me likes to rant, drunk me like to think about Ares.

The perfect combination for disaster.

This really all is disappointing, I thought Ares might like me still when I'm not so broken.

Pills and bottles can fill in my damaged cracks just for tonight. That's fine by me, even if those cracks are twice as deep tomorrow.