Until when? Until when should I be pretending? Until when that I keep on putting myself behind because of my past?

Nakakapagod? Sobra pa sa sobra.

I didn't know until when that I will keep on acting this way. Pretending to be fine even though there are thoughts that keeps on bothering me. Na kahit ang takot at kaba sa bawat segundong lumilipas na kasama ko si Samuel, halos ikaataras ko para hindi lang mapalapit pa sa kanya.

Being with him even for a short period of time, it bothers me a lot yet it comfort me. His choice of words amaze me a bit. I admit that fact. And it made my heart flipped a little everytime he's saying something.

I thought he's someone complicated to understand. But he isn't. He's simple and kind. Akala ko no'n ay kagaya sa kung paanong malamig siyang makitungo sa ibang tao ay gano'n na talaga siya. And my assumptions were proven wrong knowing how warm it is to be with him.

"You can only say those words because you haven't seen a person who will turn your thoughts into negativity, Samuel," matabang na sabi ko sa kanya.

I leaned on the recliner of the chair before closing my eyes lightly.

Totoo ang sinasabi ko. That he can say those words only for now. Not until he meet a woman who will turn his virtues into something unwanted.

"Even so, Poresa," he muttered softly.

Napangisi na lang ako sa isinagot niya sa sinabi ko.

Bigla akong napaisip dahil sa sinabi niyang iyon. Hindi ko maiwasan ang mag-isip na baka hindi siya kagaya niya. Hindi katulad niya na kayang sumira ng buhay ng ibang tao.

What he did to us give me frights. Takot sa maraming bagay lalo na kung may kaugnayan sa mga taong kagaya niya. That even trusting someone, it takes me time longer than the usual. Dahil takot ako.

Thinking with what had happened to me, words suddenly left my mouth.

"I'm a victim of rape," closing my eyes while breathing equally, I confessed.

Naramdaman kong mabilis siyang tumigil sa ginagawa niya at biglang lumingon sa akin. I keep my eyes close. Maintaining my calm.

"Alam mo ba kung bakit takot na takot ako no'ng araw na hinawakan mo ako sa braso nang nasa may gate tayo ng NSC?" mahinang tanong ko.

Hindi siya sumagot sa akin kaya itinuloy ko ang sinasabi ko.

"It was because I saw him," I admitted. I instantly feel my chest went heavy. "It was because he was there," I uttered. I heaved a deep breathe and released it softly. "My grandfather was there," I said.

Mas masakit sa akin dahil kadugo ko siya. He tainted my moral because of his fucking libido.

"It was not only me. But also my mother," I smiled bitterly. That I even tasted the bitterness of my words.

Hindi ko maiwasan ang mag-isip na marahil ay diring-diri na siya sa akin. Na baka hindi na nga niya ako kayang tignan dahil sa mga sinasabi ko. But I thought that, he might change his feelings. That he might stop liking me because it isn't good. He will only get judgments for liking someone like me.

"Taon na ang lumipas, oo. But nothing of it will change the fact that I don't deserve anyone..." ani kong nakangiti ng walang buhay.

It's not because I don't want to have someone with me. Kung hindi ay alam ko sa sarili ko na hindi iyon dapat sa akin. Because if I am to tell what I badly wanted, it is to have someone whom I can lean unto. Gusto kong maranasan kung paano ang magkagusto. But I just can't. I shouldn't.

I turned my head and looked at him. He was still looking at me. I stared at him with my eyes piercing on him. Kumunot ang noo niya. Mahina akong napatawa bago muling magsalita.

"Even you, Samuel. Kahit ikaw, hindi ka babagay sa akin. That's why I'm pushing you..." I trailed off.

Hindi pa rin siya umiimik. He was just staring back at me while his forehead was knotting.

Muli akong nagpakawala ng malalim na hininga.

"I'm pushing you to stop liking me. Stop liking me while I can still hold myself back, Samuel," ani na bulong ko.

Ayaw kong magpatuloy siya. I don't want him to continue liking me and treating me this way. Dahil baka hindi ko mapigilan ang magustuhan siya kahit ano ang kontrol na gawin ko sa sarili ko dahil lang sa hindi dapat.

His eyes that was still on me, turned into something I wasn't sure what it was. The look of it gives me a sense of disturbance as I always saw on it. But there was something I couldn't tell. Something that makes my insides go in panic.

"Do you really think that I will stop just because you said that you were raped, Poresa?" Words that left his mouth after minutes of being silent.

Inilihis ko ang paningin ko mula sa kanya at tumayo. Nilapitan ko ang mga gitarang naroon at kinuha ang isa.

"I will give you nothing, Samuel. You will expect for nothing," I said instead.

Is it that hard? Mahirap ba ang sinasabi ko?

"Hindi ako nagbigay ng utos sa sarili ko para gustuhin ka. Kaya hindi rin ako magbibigay ng utos para hindi ka na gustuhin, Poresa," tumigil ako.

Naramdaman kong parang lumukso ang puso ko sa sinabi niya.

"Isn't it selfish ordering someone who adore you to stop liking you?" he asked.

Imbis na mainis dahil parang ang hirap para sa kanya na sundin ang gusto ko, ay hindi ko maiwasan ang mapangiti habang nakatalikod sa kanya dahil sa tanong niya.

I strum the first string of the guitar I was holding.

"Then can you continue liking a person who had been touched? Kaya mo kaya ang patuloy na gustuhin ako kahit alam mong ginahasa ako?" tanong kong nakatalikod sa kanya.

From a single strum until it followed twice. Thrice and so on.

"Hindi naman pagiging birhen mo ang punto kung hindi o gugustuhin pa rin kita, Poresa," sagot niya sa tanong ko sa kanya.

"But I'm sure that it's one of the reason, isn't it?" I asked.

"Yes, it is," he said. I didn't know why I felt a bit of disappointment hearing what he said. "Most of the guys wants a woman's virginity. And I have no intention of lying whether I thought about it or didn't," should I be offended? Because of his words? "But there's no use even a woman is a virgin or not anymore. Why? Do ripping their hymens done multiple times before making love? It isn't, right? I do understand that some of you consider it as sentimental as your existence since you wanted that thing to remain special so you can give it as a gift, but in your case, it was an accident. It was the accident that took your virginity and not your will to do it freely so who I am to criticize you of not being pure and touched?"

Thinking about what he said that night, I couldn't stop myself from feeling the comfort of his words for the fourth time.

Akala ko noon ay hanggang doon na lang ako. Hanggang sa gabing iyon na lang ang buhay no at titigil na pagkatapos no'n. But after I met Samuel and know the worth of his words, I suddenly felt that I can still move on. That I can continue living beside my past.

"Hoy, Poresa!" Nabalik ako sa aking ulirat nang marinig ko si Eunice na tinatawag ako.

Nilingon ko ang pinsan ko at nakitang ayos na ayos yata siya. She was wearing a halter top and a mini fitted skirt. Even her hair was lose and in a curl. She was wearing make-up also.

She has a date?

"What?" I asked her.

Nirolyohan niya ako ng kanyang mga mata na siyang ikinataas ng magkabilang kilay ko.

"How do I look? Good?" she asked me.

Psh! What do she think of me? A fashion designer? An artist?

"Fine," tipid na sabi ko.

"Just fine?" tanong niyang parang hindi yata kuntento sa sagot ko.

Kinuha ko ang libro ko sa ethics at binuklat 'yon. I can tell that she was still waiting for my answer so I put the book down and ran my eyes from her head until her toes.

"Who's the man? Is it Kairos?" I asked out of curiosity.

Nahahalata ko ang dalawang 'yon kapag nasa NSC kami. Minsan nakikita ko silang magkasama at nagtatawanan. And it was because they're going out? Akala ko ba gusto niya si Samuel?

She smiled creepily at me. I shook my head before opening the pages of the book again.

"Hindi na masama. Papatok 'yang suot mo sa babaerong 'yon," saad kong ikinabusangot niya.

"You really have no sense of fashion! Nakakainis!" she shouted angrily.

Tumawa lang ako habang inis siyang naglakad paalis sa sala. I highlighted my book in ethics for our next topic when I heard my cousin yelled that made me stilled on my chair. Nabitawan ko ang highlighter na hawak ko.

"The medicine student's here, Poresa! The President of your club!"

Shit...?

W-wait... What? Did I heard it right? Medicine what?!