I left. But I bid my goodbye.

I never thought yet that I would see him this fast. I haven't achieve anything yet that I can brag about. I wasn't ready yet to face him. I don't have my reasons to tell him yet.

Yet...

I freaking felt my insides rumbling as I look at his eyes while he was staring at me in surprised.

His eyes...

The looks of it, made me damn weak.

His eyes that was showing the different emotions, dancing with longing but it also seems that he was... Mad about something? Were glued unto me. His pupils were saturated with angst and yearning about something I know but I don't want to understand.

Habang ako, while staring at him for the first time since the night I left, the agitating feeling and the thirst of looking at him this close, prevails.

Agad dumapo ang mga mata ko sa pares ng kanyang mga mata na ngayon ay nakatuon sa akin. Kung paano kumurap ang kanyang pilik mata ay animo'y dahan-dahan na sinusundan ng aking paningin.

This can't be real...

Alam ko.

Ngunit alam ko ring imposibli.

"I-It's been a... w-while," putol na ani ko.

Ang kaninang puno ng emosyong mga mata niya habang sinasalubong ang mga titig ko ay biglang naglaho. It became blank and lifeless and it makes my heart flinch a little because I know what could be the reason behind that looks.

I wasn't dumb. I know what he's trying to imply. He's trying to disregard what he probably feels and I know for sure that I shouldn't let my damn emotions to surface in front of Samuel.

Dahil alam ko...

I will only look pathetic and I hate it...

"Samuel—" sa mahina at malumanay ang boses na tawag ko sa kanyang pangalan.

The moment his name came out from my mouth again, I can feel the familiarity when I mouthed it. It was like I've been calling him in a consistent way that I haven't even missed a single seconds but I know the truth. Maybe the feelings inside me just want me to be like this. To feel exactly like this.

I tried to address him just how I did before but I failed when he suddenly raised his hand as the sign for me to stop.

Napatitig ako sa kanya ng mariin habang siya ay hindi ko mabasa kung ano ang gustong sabihin.

"Shane!" the man in front of me called someone's name.

Dahan-dahan kong pinihit palingon ang ulo ko upang lingunin kung sino iyon. And right after I settled my eyes at my back, I saw a woman wearing a white lab suit while smiling brightly as she walked towards us.

Nangliit ako.

She was pretty. Her hair that was tied up with a black ponytail on her back, made her look elegantly stunning.

The woman he called made her way towards him as her lips was curving into a soft and gentle smile that shows her pearly white teeth and made her shine through the rays of the sun that gives spark to her beauty.

Yeah, right.

Why would I even call him the way I did before? It's almost been a decade. Something's changed. At kasama sa mga pagbabago na iyon ay marahil ang pagbabagong iba na rin siya sa dating siya na alam at nakilala ko.

Alam kong may kaunting kirot ang gumapang sa puso ko at marahil nga ay kita iyon sa kung paano ko sila tignan na magkasama habang ako ay nasa harap nila at nakatitig lamang.

The woman he called Shane kissed his cheek and held his arm possessively. My eyes landed exactly at where her hand was.

Napalunok ako. Sa ilang segundo, pakiramdam ko ay biglang may bumara sa lalamunan ko. I swallowed hardly. Kumurap ako at mahinang tumikhim bago magkalas ng aking tingin sa kamay niyang nakahawak sa braso ni Samuel.

"Mama, why are you trembling po?" it was my daughter's voice that snapped me back to my senses.

I looked down and saw how Ivey held my hand with her tiny fingers. Doon ko lamang naramdaman na nanginginig na pala ako nang makita ko kung paano gumalaw ng kusa ang mga kamay ko. I was shaking and it's kind of embarrassing.

I bit my lip.

Bigla akong nahiya sa paraan ng asta ko. I know that I shouldn't act that way. I shouldn't be acting this way especially right now. Dahil ano nga ba ang pakialam ni Samuel sa maaaring nararamdaman ko ngayon? Wala.

I stretched my lips to form a smile for my daughter and answered her question as if I wasn't. As if she was mistaken.

"Trembling?" kunwaring pag-uulit ko sa sinabi ng anak ko. Tumango siya sa akin. Pinakiramdaman ko ang dalawang pares ng mga matang marahil ay nakatuon sa akin bago sumagot. "It's because I was—was nervous, Ivey. Kabang-kaba ako dahil akala ko ay nawala ka na, anak," sagot ko sa anak kong ngayon ay nagtatango ng kanyang ulo sa akin habang nakanguso na animoy humihingi ng tawad dahil sa nangyari.

The way that my daughter,  looked at me, she was confused and was sorry yet I couldn't help myself but feel warmed.

"Pasensiya na, mama. I am sorry po that I scare you," paghingi na niya ng tawad sa akin.

Yumuko ako ng bahagya sa kanyang harapan. Turning my back from Samuel and Shane, the woman she called a while ago.

"It's okay. But promise to me that you will never do that. Tinatakot mo ako, Ivey," saad kong alam ko naman na naintindihan niya.

She raised her right hand on the air. Making a promise sign as she speak.

"I promise po, Mama," nodding her head cutely, she said.

Nabalik lamang ang atensiyon ko sa likod nang marinig ko ang matigas na pagtikhim ng isang lalake. Palihim akong huminga ng malalim bago pumihit paharap sa kaninang kausap ko.

I saw Samuel looking intently at me before his eyes darted at my daughter. I never saw him creasing his forehead before unlike to what he's doing this time. Kunot na kunot ang kanyang noon na animoy galit siya sa isang bahay o... Tao?

Ngayon ko lamang napansin kung ano ang suot niyang damit. Hindi iyon kagaya sa babaing tinawag niya kanina na puting-puti.

Samuel was wearing a ripped and faded blue jeans with a black belt probably one and a half width. His black t-shirt was tucked on the right side partnered with a black alpargatas. The style of his hair was kind of weird and perfect at the same time. Perfectly comb on the other side while weirdly messy on the back and on the other side.

A perfect mess, maybe...

"Quit staring, will you?" his raspy voice is what I heard.

Mabilis akong napabaling ng tingin sa kanya. Kita kong nakatitig na rin siya sa akin. Bigla akong kinilabutan sa uri ng tingin na iyon.

'Parang kakain ng buhay...'

"H-Ha?" Tangang tanong ko pa.

Pinasadahan niya ako ng tingin kaya napatingin din ako sa sarili ko.

"Leave, Poresa," matabang na aniya sa akin.

Humigpit ang hawak ko sa kamay ni Ivey. Alam kong napatingin doon ang babaing katabi niya.

Muli akong tumalikod mula sa kanila at kinarga si Ivey kahit bigat na bigat na ako sa tuwing bubuhatin siya. I started to move my feet to walk away from them without uttering a word.

Yes, he did called me by my name. But he shooed me away.

Bakit pa nga ba ako magtataka? Siguro nga sa mahigit sampung taong nawala ako ay marami na rin ang nagbago hindi lang sa iilang bagay. He's on the right age. I have Ivey. I'm an ex-con. A killer.

Kung ikukumpara sa babaing nandoon din kanina, malayong-malayo nga ako. Kahiya-hiya nga ako. But I shouldn't be ashamed because I have my daughter. The outcomes of my hardships and misery that in my life I would treasure more than my own existence.

That way, sa paraan na iyon ko mahal ang anak ko.

"Finally met you again, love!"

Is what I heard while walking away.