They had only been running for a few minutes when the wizard Delroy suddenly materialized in front of them. "Did you really think it would be that easy to escape my clutches?"

"I was hoping so," Fabian said. "But if nothing else, Fabian is persistent." He kicked the wizard in the balls again and they took off running once more. A few minutes later the wizard materialized in front of them again.

"Your cheap schoolyard trick will not work a third time, thief," Delroy said. "I have created a magical shield around my testicular area which shall prevent you from delivering any further blows. Now return the princess to me or I shall be forced to destroy you with my magic."

"Never, you horrible wizard," the princess shouted. "This man has rescued me from your clutches and now he will return me to my kingdom and as a reward my father shall give him my hand in marriage."

"Wait a minute, who said anything about marriage?" Fabian said.

"That is the reward my father offers to my savior," the princess said.

"Aw crap," Fabian said. "Well, in that case you can have her back. I thought we were talking strictly a cash reward here. I guess I'll just have to sneak into your dad's castle at night and grab the cat, which is what I wanted to do in the first place until Scrote and Mikey talked me into coming here. What a waste of time this was."

"So you will willingly give me back the princess?" Delroy asked.

"Well, wait a minute here, not so fast," Fabian said. "I certainly don't want to marry this chick, but I feel I should at least get something in return for my troubles. You seem pretty good at kidnapping things. I mean, you already captured the cat once and you stole the princess pretty easily it seems to me. How about you teleport back to Wingwang, grab the cat, bring it back here and I'll trade you the princess for it. Sound like a deal?"

"Agreed," Delroy said as he extended his hand to shake.

Suddenly an arrow whizzed through the air right between them. Jaana emerged from behind a tree with another arrow nocked in her bow and pointed right at them. "There will be no deals today, thief."

"Go away, Jaana," Fabian said. "You're messing this all up for me. What are you doing here, anyway?"

"I saw you descend from the tower and take off into the woods and decided to follow you."

"Oh, so you just abandoned all your friends to fight that dragon on their own? Real classy."

"I followed because I didn't trust you, thief. And it seems like my instincts were correct."

"Yeah? Well you think a stupid bow and arrow is going to stop me?" Fabian said as he drew his dagger. "I can rush up and slit your throat before you can let another arrow fly."

"I am the fastest shot in nine kingdoms," Jaana said. "I should like to see you try."

"Oh dear, I do so detest violence," Delroy said as he waved a wand in the air and Fabian, Jaana, and Princess Wartha suddenly found themselves bound together by a magical rope that had appeared out of thin air. "Unless, of course, I'm the one inflicting it. In that case I find violence most entertaining. Now, I believe I shall magically yank all the hairs out of your bodies in the most painful manner possible. After that the real fun will begin."

The wizard waved the wand again and chanted something as he clenched his other hand in a fist. Fabian felt a corresponding pain shoot through his gut. He let out a cry of anguish in spite of himself. Jaana let out a similar scream as blood began dripping out of her nose.

"Don't worry, guys," the princess said. "Apparently some guy named Fabian is on his way here and he's going to save the day."

"You're either seriously dumb or being tortured by this wizard for who knows how long has rattled your brains. I'm Fabian."

"No you're not," the princess said.

"What do you mean I'm not? If anyone should know who Fabian is, it's Fabian who also happens to be me."

"No you said that Fabian was a legendary hero and adventurer. You're obviously not that. Plus I imagine Fabian would be very handsome and manly."

"Well putting aside the fact that I'm obviously extremely handsome and manly, you were ready to marry me not five minutes ago."

"Yeah, but now that the light's a little better I've come to realize you're pretty weird looking. And now that the wizard has captured us, you haven't exactly saved me have you? That means no reward for you. But I'm sure this Fabian character will be turning up soon."

"Enough of this idiocy," Jaana said through clenched teeth. "If we don't figure out a way out of this the wizard is going to torture all of us and that dragon is going to kill all of our friends."

"Oh, there's no way out of this," Delroy said with a giggle. "I've planned for every possible contingency. There's nothing anyone could possibly do to save you now."

That was when Brandon swooped by overhead on a flying carpet and snatched the wand out of Delroy's hand.

"Hey, no fair!" Delroy shouted. "Give that back!"

"Scrote!" Fabian called out. "I never thought I'd say this, but it's good to see you."

"Oh, hello Master Fabian. It's good to see you, too. I was worried about how I was going to get down from the tower, but then I started poking around in the wizard's stuff and I found this flying carpet."

"That's really fascinating," Fabian said. "Why don't you use that wand to undo these magical ropes we're tied up in? Actually, you can leave Jaana tied up. Just free the princess and me."

"Uh, I don't know how to use this thing, sir."

"Just point it and utter some mumbo jumbo. I'm sure it'll work out fine."

"Don't do that!" Delroy shouted. "That isn't a toy for idiots to play around with. If you say the wrong thing it could prove very dangerous for everyone, including me. Put that thing down right now, young man. I promise I'll let your friends go if you simply return the wand to me."

"Don't listen to him, Scrote. It doesn't take a genius to do magic. Any idiot can do it. I mean, look at this guy. He actually walks around in a pointy hat and robes with moons and stars on them. You look like a total retard, dude."

"I don't know, sir. Maybe I should give him back the wand. It seems like magic could be pretty dangerous in untrained hands."

"Then why the hell would you give it to an evil maniac who is trained in magic?" Fabian said. "Doesn't that seem like it would be even more dangerous? Look, I said you didn't have to untie Jaana, but why not take a practice run on her? Point the wand, say some sort of gibberish, and if she explodes no harm no foul, right?"

"Or you might unleash a poisonous gas that would choke us all to death right here," Delroy said. "Is that what you want? Why don't you just give me back my wand and we can all go on with our lives."

"I've got an idea," Brandon said. "Why don't you tell me exactly what to do? Once my friends are free and safe, maybe I'll give you your wand back."

"Are you crazy?" Delroy sputtered. "That would violate the code of magic users everywhere. A magician never reveals his secrets. Never! There's nothing you can do to make me change my mind."

"Nothing?" Brandon said thoughtfully. "I have an idea. Be right back!" He turned the flying carpet around and zipped away over the tree line.

"Oh great, Scrote just abandoned us here to die. I never should have taken that kid in. You treat them like your own son, teach them everything you know, and the first chance they get they stab you in the back. You see that, princess? Never trust anybody."

"He said he would be right back," the princess said. "Maybe he's fetching this Fabian person you keep talking about."

"Fabian's already here, lady!"

"Are you trying to say there's a little bit of Fabian in all of us? That we can all be heroes if we just dig deep enough and believe? Wow. That's pretty profound, mister. I never thought about it that way."

"That's not what I'm saying at all. There's only one Fabian and the only way you're getting a little Fabian inside of you is if I decide to throw you a bone, and since you seem like the clingy type that wants to get married afterward I don't think that's going to happen."

"Will you two please shut up?" Jaana said. "You're giving me a horrible headache."

"Why don't you shut up, Jaana?" Fabian said with a scowl. "I don't see you contributing anything useful to the discussion."

"Why don't you all shut up?" Delroy said. "It's true I'm not as powerful without my wand, but I'm still perfectly capable of casting spells that will put the hurt on you. Now if you'll excuse me, I believe I will do just that." He closed his eyes, held his hands a few inches apart from each other, and began chanting. A glowing blue ball of energy began to appear between his palms.

"Well, that doesn't look good," Fabian said.

"Look!" Princess Wartha shouted. "Your friend is returning on his carpet! He's actually pretty cute. I hope he's the one who rescues me. Then I can marry him!"

"Whatever happens here, clearly I'm going to be the one who ultimately rescues all of us," Fabian said. "But no worries. You can totally marry him. That boy's been needing to get his cherry popped for a long time now. It's a shame he'll have to be saddled with you to accomplish that, but better him than me. I just hope for his sake you don't get as fat as your father when you get a little older. But once again, not my problem."

"I've returned!" Brandon shouted triumphantly. "And I brought something with me."

"Is that-?" Fabian squinted his eyes. "Did you go back to the tower and grab his mime statue? Oh for fuck's sake. Now we're really screwed. Great plan, Scrote. Way to really nail that."

"You give me that statue this instant, young man!" Delroy shouted. "Do you hear me?"

"Tell me how to free my friends or the mime gets it," Brandon said as he pointed the wand at the statue's head.

"Young man, if any harm comes to that statue I am going to be very, very angry."

"I said tell me how to free my friends. I'm not bluffing."

"All right, all right!" Delroy said as he raised his hands in the air. The blue energy ball vanished into nothingness. "I'll do whatever you ask. Just don't harm the statue. I'm begging you."

"What's the deal with that statue?" Fabian asked. "Ew, is it your sex doll?"

"No," Delroy said with a sigh. "You see, long before I became interested in the arcane arts I dreamed of becoming the world's greatest mime."

"That probably wouldn't be too hard since all mimes inherently suck ogre balls," Fabian said.

"I entered a competition in the city of Klonisburg, which is pretty much considered the center of the mime world."

"So in other words never visit Klonisburg," Fabian said. "Got it."

"I took second place in the competition and that statue was my prize. I gave absolutely everything I had in that contest. I really put it all out there. Alas, I suffered a grievous injury in the process that pretty much put an end to my mime career. I decided to become a wizard instead and became most fascinated by turning water into tar. But I still love mimes more. That statue reminds me of my glory days and as such remains my most precious possession."

"I've got to give you credit," Fabian said. "That story was almost as lame and boring as Derek's tales about that dumbass sheep god. I didn't think anyone could get in the ballpark of that, but you went and did it. At least your story was more concise."

"Oh, I could go into much, much greater detail," Delroy said. "You see the first mime I ever admired was the great Bonzo Featherfoot. He journeyed across the land delighting everyone he encountered with his brilliant rendition of being trapped inside an invisible treasure chest."

"Aren't mimes not supposed to talk?" Fabian asked. "Why don't you make like a mime and shut the hell up. Only don't be as annoying about it as mimes are. Also could we hurry up and get these ropes off? My butt's been itching for like ten minutes now and it's driving me nuts."

"Yes, tell me how to free my friends, mister Delroy. And don't try anything funny or the mime will suffer."

"All right! Just point the wand at them and say 'Releasimo!' That will make the ropes vanish instantly."

"Releasimo?" Fabian said. "Jeez, is magic ever lame. I'm glad I spent my youth doing awesome stuff and actually getting laid."

"And I'm sure all those prostitutes appreciated you spending your allowance money on them," Jaana said.

"Hey, that's just plain not true. I never got an allowance! I had to steal the money I spent on whores fair and square."

"All right, so just point the wand and say 'Releasimo?' That's it?" Brandon asked.

"That's all there is to it. Quite a basic spell really."

"Why don't you do a practice run on Jaana just the same," Fabian said. "Just in case this untrustworthy wizard is lying and she turns into a tree sloth or something?"

"Okay," Brandon said and pointed the wand at Jaana. "Releasimo!" The ropes that bound her instantly disappeared. She immediately drew her bow and arrow and pointed it at Brandon.

"What are you doing, you psycho?" Fabian asked.

"Release the princess next," she said. "I will be taking her into my custody. Then you can give the wizard back his statue and take off out of here."

"Wait a minute, if I'm following your plan correctly that leaves me tied up in ropes and at the mercy of this wizard."

"That's correct, Fabian. You killed Arrick and for that you shall pay."

"He's the one who threw the fireball," Fabian said while nodding his head towards Delroy. "Why don't you stick a few arrows in him and leave me out of this?"

"Or maybe I'll stick a few arrows in you first, thief," Jaana said.

"Hey Scrote! I'm pretty sure I've got the hang of this whole magic thing. Point the wand at her and say 'Explodisimo.' I bet she'll blow up in a million pieces."

"Gosh, I don't really want to hurt her," Brandon said.

"She's pointing an arrow at you. Even worse, she's threatening me! Blow her ass up!"

"Uh, how about this?" He pointed the wand at her and said "Dropyourweaponisimo!"

"No!" Delroy shouted in abject horror as everything suddenly vanished.