Fabian was taking another deep puff off his pipe when he noticed what appeared to be a translucent woman floating in the air in front of them. "Whoah, this is some strong stuff."

"You complete moron," the woman said. "You killed me!"

"Say what?" Fabian said with a glazed look in his eyes.

The apparition sighed and turned to Brandon who was staring at her in astonishment. "Would you do me a favor, cutie? Would you knock that pipe out of his hand and smack him upside his stupid head? I'd do it, but I seem to be immaterial now."

"Are you... are you the dryad?" Brandon asked.

"I'm the eternal essence of the dryad. Now that my tree is gone I'm merely a spirit with no tether to this world. Yet it seems I cannot pass on to the next. So I think I'll stick around and haunt this idiot for awhile."

"Oh, you're going to haunt me?" Fabian said. "Big deal. You can't even touch me, you stupid ghost."

"Perhaps not, but I can call you an idiot and a moron and the king of all jackasses. And I shall do so at every available opportunity, you utter dunce."

"Eh, I've been called worse," Fabian shrugged. "Don't worry. The first cleric I come across I'll get to exorcise you anyway. You won't be sticking around long."

"I'm so happy that you're not gone," Brandon said as he leaped to his feet. He tried to give her a hug, but his arms passed right through her.

"You can't hug a ghost, dumbass," Fabian said with a smirk.

"It is you who are the dumbass, dumbass," the dryad said and waved a finger in Fabian's face. "You're ugly, too. Did I mention that?"

"I don't have time for this," Fabian said. "Come on, Scrote. Let's go back to that dwarf village and get that mangy furball so I can collect my reward."

They traipsed through the forest back towards the meadow. The spirit of the dryad followed them and continued to hurl verbal abuse at Fabian.

"You're starting to piss me off, lady. Why don't you shut up?"

"Why don't you make me?" the dryad responded. "I can't touch you, as you pointed out, but you can't touch me either. So it looks like you're stuck with me, you dim-witted buffoon. By the way, your face bears a strong resemblance to the nutsack of a goat."

"Have you spent a lot of time studying those?" Fabian said. "You look like the type of woman who's into some pretty sick stuff. If you were solid, I'd stuff you in orifices you didn't even know you had."

"As if I'd let you touch me, you pasty little puke. Why don't you do the world a favor and jump into an active volcano?"

"Hey guys," Brandon spoke up. "If we're going to be traveling together, do you think we could stop sniping at each other? I mean, wouldn't it be more pleasant for everyone if we could continue our journey in peace? Maybe even friendship?"

"Shut up, Scrote," Fabian said. "Nobody asked you for your input. Plus, it's obvious the lady is flirting with me."

"I'm doing no such thing," the dryad said. "You are the most repulsive being I've ever encountered in my lengthy existence. Also one of the most idiotic. I've met amoebas with more brain power than you."

"Yeah, and you run your mouth just slightly more than the average woman. See, Scrote? This is why you don't get in relationships with chicks. They never shut up. You get in and get out. That's the Fabian way."

"In and out in thirty seconds," the dryad said. "I bet the reason women talk so much around you is so they don't have to listen to you flap your gums, you troll's armpit."

"As much as I'd love to continue this conversation, we appear to have a bit of a problem here. The dwarf village is on fire."

"What the heck?" Brandon asked as he squinted his eyes. "Are those pirates?"

"Aw man, not those guys," Fabian said. "Those stupid pirates are a real pain in the ass. Almost as much as you, lady."

"Come on, cutie," the dryad called to Brandon as she floated forward towards the village. "Perhaps we can save those innocent dwarfs from those foul brigands who are pillaging their home."

"They're not exactly innocent," Fabian said. "They took us captive and locked us in a cage with a killer rat. I say let their village burn. But then I suppose they might set the cat on fire and I'll be out my reward money. That's no good. All right, let's go stop them so I can get paid."

"Yes, sir!" Brandon shouted as he took off running towards the village. A look of intense focus crossed his face before turning to rage as he passed the smoldering ruins of a house.

"Yeah, we might want to put together a plan here," Fabian said.

Brandon let out a noise that was somewhat a cross between a snarl and a scream as he barreled into a short pirate at full speed and tackled him to the ground. He began smacking the pirate's head into the ground repeatedly.

"Or on the other hand we could just go in there half-cocked and lose the element of surprise," Fabian said.

"That pirate looked plenty surprised to me," the dryad said.

"Scrote's actually putting up a pretty good fight," Fabian said. "Maybe he might prove useful to me after all."

Brandon leaped up from the pirate who was now lying unconscious on the ground and tackled another. A third pirate approached in an attempt to help his comrade, but Brandon began picking up rocks from the ground and hurling them furiously at his head.

The dryad materialized suddenly next to another pirate and said "Boo!" The pirate let out a high-pitched yelp and dropped the box he was carrying as he took off running.

Fabian skulked around the background attempting to stay concealed by the smoke and the general chaos. If a pirate happened to wander close by he would stab them quickly with his dagger. Otherwise he was content to let Brandon and the dryad do most of the work.

Before too long the last of the pirates had fled and thanks to the use of a bucket brigade the surviving dwarfs had managed to put out the fire.

Brandon was panting hard as he continued to senselessly beat an already unconscious pirate.

"Whoah, relax, Scrote. He's done for. You fought like a wild beast. Where the hell did that come from?"

"I don't know," Brandon said as he sat up and wiped the sweat from his brow. "I guess I had a lot of pent-up emotion from when I thought the nice dryad lady was dead. Then I got to thinking about these poor dwarfs and how they've lost their homes and how upset I'd be if somebody burned down my house and something just sort of snapped."

"Yeah, you went into a berserker rage there," Fabian said. "That's good. We'll have to harness that. You can protect me if we run into trouble. To that end, I think it's time we got you a weapon." He found a cutlass on the ground that one of the pirates had dropped. "Here you can use this. You're not allowed to use it on me though. Not ever. You got that?"

"Yes, sir," Brandon said as he accepted the cutlass. He gave a few practice swipes through the air with it. "Gosh, I've always wanted my own sword. My pa said I'm not allowed to have one until I'm eighteen."

"See? I'm much cooler than your dad. Don't ever forget that either."

By this time a small group of dwarfs had gathered around them. An old woman stepped forward and shook Brandon's hand. "We'd just like to thank you for saving our village. Those dirty pirates snuck in and murdered most of our men while they were sleeping and then they set fire to the whole place, as you can see."

"You're welcome," Brandon said as he began to blush.

"How about showing your gratitude in the form of some sort of monetary reward?" Fabian asked.

"We would love to shower you with riches, but those pirates took off with all of our gems."

"I'll bet they did," Fabian said. "As if you don't have some hidden store of them somewhere. But fine, go ahead and hold out on us. We're actually looking for the wife of the dwarf known as Thark."

"I'm Thark's wife," a plain looking dwarf woman with dark hair spoke up. "Those pirates slit my husband's throat while he was napping. Are you here to bring justice to the killers of my poor Thark? Will you exact a terrible vengeance on their murdering souls in the name of rightness?"

"Actually, we just need your cat," Fabian said. "Hand him over and we'll be on our way."

"Oh, my poor sweet kitty," the dwarf woman wiped some tears from her eyes. "That nasty pirate captain snatched him out of my hands and said he was going to feed him to his pet parrot."

"For crying out loud," Fabian said as he smacked his forehead. "It looks like we're going to have to track those pirates down after all. This is turning into a hell of a lot of work. This countess is going to pay through the nose when we bring her cat back to her. I can tell you that right now. Come on, Scrote, those pirates can't have gotten too far. I'm going to need you to summon your hulk strength again."

"Don't forget about me, you gigantic nincompoop," the dryad said as she floated up behind him.

"All right," Fabian sighed. "Come if you must. You were kind of useful back there when you were scaring the pants off those pirates. I guess you're not completely worthless. Now let's get after those scurvy bastards."